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Suicidal feelings User Group
I ******* hate my life
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When something happens in your life and it is too much to handle mentally and physically and you just don't want to feel it anymore.

Founded by BellaMarie84 on September 26, 2009
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I ******* hate my life

Im only 17, I cant live my life anymore.  I cant do it, I cant carry on dragging each day on.  Life is ******* unfair.  It is so hardand I dont know how people get through it.  I have horrible anxiety of throwing up and it has ripped my life apart.  I have "friends" who ignore me becuase they dont want to deal with me being depressed or anxious.  Ive lost so many relationships and I just feel so burdened with my life.  I look in the mirror and I cant even help but to cry since I absolutly hate myself.  I hate having no control of my life spiraling out of control.  I have been suicidal for like 3 years now and the only reason im not dead right now is because im a ******* coward and theres no gun in my house.  I have having this phobia of throwing up which has ruined EVERYTHING. Im ******* sick of being depressed.  How do people do it? How do people make it through the day? I really dont understand because everything around me ******* *****.
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I can relate to you. I was similiar to you at that age... The reason that you are not dead right now is not because you are a coward. It is because deep down you really want to live. Suicide occurs when a persons doesnt have the coping mechanisms needed to deal with whats going on with them.You stated you have horrible anxiety... Have you figured out what kind? What your triggers are? The more you learn about what you have, the more power and control you can have over that which is afflicting you.

Hoe do I know what you are going through? I have been to very dark places myself... I spent my first hospital visit when I was 17 after I tried to kill myself. I spent the next 8 years in and out of hospitals and treatment centers... Tried to do it again and again- I didnt see the point in all my suffering.

What I did find, was a support system- one that I could turn to in my darkest of hours... and even when that isnt readily available- I have cked myself into the ER on suicial tendencies- as I needed to be "safe" for awhile.

So you have anxiety and depression. What else is going on in your life? I understand the feeling of burdening others with whats going on.... I "lost" relationships because I shut people out thinking that they were better off not knowing whats going on.

Do you have a doctor you speak with regularly? Anything you want to talk about, I am here for you
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Avatar_f_tn
Funny how you say "sick of feeling depressed" but have a phobia of throwing up (being sick).  Not sure how to interpret that but a good T would be able too.

I usually say I am fed up with stuff.  But then I have food and nurturing issues.  What could throwing up mean?  You don't want to reject the good stuff that you have??  You need to get rid of bad/ negative stuff but you feel too afraid to?  Childhood stuff??

Sorry!  Hopefully you've seen me around enough to know that I'm not trying to be insensitive.

Have been/ are where you are now.  I think that it is just a matter of taking each moment as it comes.  Sometimes beyond that it gets too daunting.  I think that telling a health professional how you feel could be a good start.  Often there is stuff that they can do to help us through this.

Sometimes talking to others and helping them can be helpful (although sometimes not).
While you are alive you have the potential to change.  Dead has no options.

Reach out and talk to someone.  It could be helpful.  Have you been evaluated and given a diagnosis?
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Thanks for your replies and support...I have anxiety specific to vomitting.  It is really, very very severe. I get full on panic attacks if someone even says "i dont feel good" whether they mean they just have a cold or what, i automatically assume they mean they are going to throw up and i get a panic attack. I am very easily triggered into panic attacks when it comes to throwing up.  The main issue with that is that you CANT control when you throw up, its completely unavoidable.  You can control when other people throw up, or pass around germs so it makes it extremely difficult to deal with this kind of anxiety.

I am scared to tell anyone about being suicidal because i dont want that kind of attention, if you know what I mean.  I told my psychiatrist that sometimes I felt suicidal and the first thing she did was call my mom.  That made me EXTREMELY upset and now I just lie to her contantly cause im scared she will call my mom.  I had to tell my mom that she misunderstood me, and im really not suicidal.

I havent had a REALLY difficult childhood but I havent had the easiest...my parents never got and still dont get along...my dad is very abusive to my mom...more so verbal and emotional but I have seen him hurt her physically sometimes.  He is an alcoholic and does other perscription meds and smokes pot and cigarettes and pretty much does every drug possible with the exception of like heroine, as far as I know. He never really had a significant part of my life...we dont really talk much even though we live in the same small house.  I have always wished my parents got divorsed but they cant because financially they both cant make it on their own.  I really cant stand my dad...I hate the way he is SO horrible to my mom when all she does is try so hard to make him happy.  I have heard my mom saying several times she wants to die. And often since she has no one to turn to about the emotional stuff she goes through...she turns to me.  She tells me everyday how much she hates my dad and how hes a bad person and how shes depressed and she wishes she could die.  I try to get her to talk to a therapist but she doesnt like it.

Jaquta- Thats a really interesting way to think of it...I never have made the connection of "being sick" of feeling depressed and having anxiety of throwing up.  I am not currently seeing a therapist...im going to college in a couple months thats not in this state so I dont know what im gonna do about that...but that is certainly something I could bring up to them.

Thanks again for your relpies, they really mean a lot to me.
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Avatar_f_tn
You can't control what happens in the world but you can learn to gain control over your own thoughts and feelings.

Being dishonest about your true thoughts and feelings isn't helpful in the long-term.
Could you have a discussion with your doctor about safety and about how anxious it makes you feel when she discusses this with your mother?  Legally she can but maybe you could discuss some boundaries around it.

College could be a great escape for you although it may also put a lot of pressure on you (trying to deal with all the emotional stuff plus study).

Have you talked to your doctor about your family situation?
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1390847_tn?1344661068
Its weird, I always want to talk about my family situation but when the therapist says to me "so, is there anything you want to talk about in particular?" I always freeze up and talk about anxiety.  I always plan to bring it up but I cant seem to.  Its weird how I can so easily talk about it online on the web but I can NEVER talk about it in person.  Maybe partcially cause my anxiety first and foremost is what is unmanageable and is what primarily makes me suicidal.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I can relate to what you're saying.  It can be confusing and frustrating.  If you think about it though it is the stress and anxiety (from your issues) that make you feel overwhelmed, or whatever and suicidal.

I think the fact that you can't talk about it easily means that it is something that needs talking about.

If you were able to resolve some of the issues concerning your family then that might help you to feel more in control and as a result, less suicidal.  ??

Have you tried writing this stuff down on paper and giving it to your T?

Your situation sounds complex, like a lot of ours.  Seems easy enough to fix on the surface but when you start looking at all the other stuff and feelings, ...

Have you tried just putting it out there for your T?  Give her the information or some key points even if you don't discuss it in depth.  That would give her something to work on with you.

I think what helped me was just feeling safe with my T.  Have your T tell your mum stuff perhaps isn't all that helpful.  And would be different when you turn ?18.
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1390847_tn?1344661068
That makes sense.  Ive been to 2 therapists before. The first one was an idiot...she wasnt interested in me at all and would stop me in the middle of my sentences to make phone calls.  the 2nd one was better, but i felt really judged by her and just not comfortable...and I really dont think she understood my situation AT ALL and she had no idea how to deal with my vomitting anxiety, which I think is ultimately the cause of my suicidal-ness.  Im going to college in Rhode Island, a different state so I might find an on-campus therapist or something.  For the summer I am trying to find a new one.  I am going to try and talk to her about the family issues...its just hard for me to even think of realisticlly telling her.  Maybe I will have to tell her bits and pieces at a time.  
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That doesn't sound very professional (making phone calls during your appts).

Can you hang in there till college starts then?  In some respects it sounds like the best bet but still a life time away when you feel suicidal.

Are you seeing anyone besides a psychiatrist at present?  Could you ask whoever if you could write stuff down in an e-mail?  E-mails are easy to write and then you just press the send button.  They have the information then.  Would that work?
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1390847_tn?1344661068
Writing an email is great idea.  This lady who perscribes me medicine I thought was a psychiatrist but she really isnt...because she isnt certified in the psychology part.  But out of everyone profesional I have talked to she almost always makes me feel better.  Unfortunatly, I cant go to her for any matters besides medicine, but when I have to make appointments for medicine I be sure to talk about my other issues besides just medicine too because although she isnt certified in psychology she sure could be because she is the best therapy I have seen.  The problem is she isnt around a lot, next time I see her I am going to ask if she has an email so if I am having a panic attack I can message her or something.  I think I can hang in there til college.
And thank you so much for your insight and ideas, they really help!
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I don't quite get what you mean about the ?pseudo psychiatrist.  If she's not a psychiatrist then I would be careful about what meds you have been given.  Some meds family doctors can prescribe but others should only be prescribed by psychiatrists.  Anyway, ...

I know what you mean.  I think that your doctor would be the equivalent of my GP.  He's good.  Treats me with respect and seems to have more common sense that the entire psych service here.

Have you tried posting on the depression community forum?  Heaps of people visit there and you would think that they would have some good ideas.
The e-mail could pose a problem due to boundaries or limits that some health professionals have.

Other options could perhaps be a school counsellor, maybe someone in church if you attend church, a crisis hotline, any other support group in your area.

I really hope that you get on top of this.  I hope that college works out for you.  Must seem like heaven or respite.  I was pretty happy to move away from home for a short period to have radiation.  Well it would have been good if the walls weren't so thin and people didn't snore.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about this?  Have any chosen to stand by you through this?
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I do frequently post there...it is helpful.
I talk to my friends sometimes...but they tend to ignore me when I get in a depressive state.  i dont really blame them...because we are pretty young, and they probably have no idea how to deal with it since they have no idea what I go through.  I completely lost my friends sophmore year of high school when I found a guy who became my boyfriend who chose to stand by me and support me, rather than ignore me cause he didnt know how to deal with it. He became like my rock...since he offered the support I wasnt getting from my family and friends...i isolated myself, so I only had him.  For a while it seemed to help me, but then i really started missing my friends.  It was really hard to get close with them again...and no matter how hard I tried I couldnt gain that closeness back until my boyfriend left me.  he just outright left me in the dirt. He became a complete jerk and still is.  This all happened like 6 months ago...now he has another girlfriend.  We dated 2 years and he treats me like crap now.  This really really really really got to me...the whole losing my ex...we were best friends and now were nothing and i still get majorly depressed about it.  
I have my friends, but they dont support me at all with this.  I dont hold it against them, cause they just have no idea how to handle it...but still makes me feel very alone.
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Avatar_f_tn
That would be something to work through in therapy.  I understand how incredibly difficult it must be for you to deal with the rejection and lack of support..  It is hard when we feel alone and perhaps even worse when we feel invalidated.

I believe that stuff in life happens for a reason.  I expect most likely you are destined to meet someone else.  Give it time and allow yourself to grieve.
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