I feel like I don't want to keep living...again

I'm not really sure why.  I'm manic depressive, and it can come on very suddenly and stay in a down cycle for some time.
I'm sure some has to do with stress and pressure at work, the economy, all that stuff, and wondering if I'll get the new job I'm pursuing (with a cross-country move, etc.).  But I'm just tired of it all.  Right now it hurts again very badly, and I feel like I'm hanging from a thread.  I'm doing a lot of the things you're supposed to do to help this kind of feeling, but at the same time, I HATE every moment of my current job and I think because of that, I lack the energy and motivation to very consistently engage in other healthy things - like a decent exercise routine, and decent eating and sleep habits.
I'm just so tired of the endless cycle of being up and down.......And it does seem that the ups are not as high as they used to be, which is depressing unto itself.  I'm not sure what the question is any more, but I just needed to vent a little here.

[Jaquta]

Perhaps part of the answer is, a) because you have an illness and b).  Well b is something you have to work out for yourself but my guess is that it has stuff to do with work or maybe your ego.  We all can feel a bit low when something hurts or wounds our ego.  Reflecting back to you what I perceive you have tried to convey is: stress, work, finances, maybe a global dissatification with the economy/ world (maybe even prejudices there), a sense of insecurity.  It sounds like you're a little bit optimistic about the job though.

Me too!  I can relate.  I felt like I was hanging from that thread too.  I ended up pushing everything away in order to cope.  Feeling nothing and not caring is almost worse than the feelings of despair and desperation, etc.

I don't think it is your job, although you know your situation best.  I think that intolerable work can be draining but then a lot of people view work as a means to an end and don't actually seem to be all that satisfied with it.

Unfulfilling work could be used as a front or excuse for the other issues.

I have a PD so I get those mood swings too.  Maybe not as high but enough to cause consternation.  I find it draining.  You have the motivation, you start stuff, you don't have the motivation.  For me I end up starting stuff over and over and over again.  It's like learning to walk like about 10 times a week or repeating preschool.

Not so high highs is good, isn't it?  Maybe that feels like you're losing part of you in the process?

It's good to try and do the things that help and abstain from the things that don't.

I think the answer lies in persevering and learning more about yourself and others through each cycle.  I view mental illness as a growth process and that challenges me to look at things differently.

I wish I had the answers for you but my advice is just don't make stuff worse and that gives you a platform to work from when you do feel better.  Most of us feel better at some point, even if it is only short-lived.

Just wondering but have you seen your doctor.  A medication adjustment may be called for.  Seems like bipolar should be able to be better managed.  It's confusing with all the stress and stuff thrown in there.

I doubt my post will be very helpful but I would strongly encourage you to keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid to ask others for more support when you feel you need it.  Sometimes carrying less or carrying it but being able to put it down for a while is helpful.

Good luck for the new job.

[gandolfication]

Thanks for the reply.  I really appreciate it, and yah it is helpful.  Real close to getting an answer.  Taking some vacation.  And seeing my Dr. today.  

Good points, especially about the growth process.

Hope the best for you too.

[Jaquta]

Good luck, re the job, I hope that goes well for you.

Rest can be restorative.  Mental health issues can be so debilitating that that rest can be helpful plus become a period of increased insights.

Good luck with the doctor also.  I believe that you will be able to get on top of the disorder.  I think that with your intellect that with time and experience you will learn how to manage it.  Keep persevering and you'll get there.

Sometimes when I end up going through the same processes over and over again I ask myself what it is that I am not learning.

Me too.  I don't think I will kill myself.  Had a big enough scare last time to prevent myself from putting my life at increased risk.  With life comes hope and opportunity.

Thanks!

[cowgirlnerd]

I understand where you are coming from and have a lot of the same issues you do.  I try to take one day at a time.  (I know that's a cliche')  The days are hard sometimes, but that's how I cope.  

Hating your job stinks, doesn't it!!??  I'm the same way.  I am actively looking for another job, though, and that gives me some motivation that MAYBE that aspect will get better.  I'm also going to college part-time and that helps my outlook on where I might be one day.  

I miss the highs, too (oh, by the way, I'm bipolar (manic/depressive), too), but I know that the highs are really dangerous for me.  Depression has been my serious issue though and I have found that with my Lamictal dosage it makes them both a little more manageable.  Neither one of them "goes away", but neither is as severe as before I was diagnosed.  That in itself makes the highs not as high (yuck), and the lows still there but not as low (yeah).  

Hang in there.  You aren't alone.