I was diagnosed with depression about 5 years ago. Upto that point in my life, I was quite far from anything resemblinga man with any mental illness of any kind. I was extremely confident, outgoing, succesful at work, a happy man living a happy life with his wife and kids, life was great. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere (Although my many Dr's over the last 5 yrs have suggested a particular situation that seemed to "trigger" the depression, and it does make sense) I became severely depressed. I mean severely, to the point where my own kids couldn't come up and tell me "I love you daddy" without it causing me to break down and cry, sometimes for hours. I would sometimes leave work to go home and cry. It was a mess. Since I've been taking the Pristiq (For about 2 yrs now), the crying has subsided, almost completely. I can only think of twice in the last couple of years that I have had an "episode", as I call it. However, something I've noticed is that Ifind myself wondering a lot if it would be so bad if I were dead. Now, I know this isn't exactly suicidal thoughts, but its closer to them than I've ever been, and that I care to be. I have actually gone as far as to sit down and write out a letter to my children. As I wrote it, I viewed it as sort of a "release" for me, letting my kids know how much daddy loves them. However, the more I've re-read it over the last couple of months, it reads eerily like a suicide note. It's honeslty not something I think I'd ever act on, frankly I don't think I have the guts (Thank god, because sometimes I feel thats the only reason I've never SERIOUSLY considered it as an option). It's one time in my life I'm actuallu glad I'm not very brave I suppose. The thing is, it still concerns me, because I wonder if it could eventually turn into something more serious. Is this something to worry about? Thanks in advance.
Hi. I think that it would be something worth discussing with a therapist or doctor/ psychiatrist.
They could be classed as suicidal thoughts or perhaps even as existential issues.
I would be wondering if they're break through depressive symptoms. Thinking about death is often associated with depression.
I think the thing with depression is that you can do things that you might not ordinarily do. I think that it can creep up insideously and you're kind of drawn into it before you realise it.
Have you taken time to consider what was going on in your life around the time you became depressed? What were you doing? What were you thinking? Was something bothering you? Maybe something that triggered something from your past?
My advice would be to talk to your psychiatrist about these thoughts and feelings. I would also strongly recommend psychotherapy if you aren't already in therapy.
I think that as it is concerning to you it is something that needs looking into. I think that given your history of depression that they are red flags as well.
Maybe your doctor will want to adjust your medication?? There are lots of reasons why these thoughts and actions may be there but it would be best to discuss them with a doctor.
Not as a substitute for seeing and talking to your own doctor but there is a mood disorders expert forum. The doctor there may have some suggestions for you.
I agree with what Jaquta has said above. Good advice.
I have been the way you described above and then further as well.
One measure of how concerned you should be or seriously you should take it, is that....you are seriously concerned about it. In other words, you are closest to your own feelings and thoughts. So the fact that you're wondering if you should do something to address how you feel, is to a degree, its own answer. You should.
Talking with a therapist (and additionally a very close trusted friend and/or family member) also will help.
When I read your description above, I actually thought to myself that it is kind of fortunate that you have not had more specific or definite suicidal ideations, given what you described that you went through. I experienced something that for the most part was similar with stress, anxiety and depression. Although in my case, I did go a little further than just generalized thoughts about death. I feel better now most days....
....although the reason I'm back here writing today is that right now, I feel very, very low indeed. Strangely, it does always help me a little to try to help someone else.
For your and your families' sake, don't do nothing. The strong and the wise get help when they need it. You need it.
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