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Suicidal feelings User Group
jaquta
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When something happens in your life and it is too much to handle mentally and physically and you just don't want to feel it anymore.

Founded by BellaMarie84 on September 26, 2009
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jaquta

I am too angry to speak to my mum, maybe in a few months time but not now, she has never been any support to me, i have tried to please her all my life and i have never been good enough, there are too many issues surrounding it. For a while i was taking the children around, then two weeks ago she called and expected me to apologise for my partner, why should i?
I was more social than i am now, i was anxious but being there helped, i loved the music the people and feeling normal i did panic sometimes but it was a challenge, i made friends but only on a superficial level they never really knew me but it didn't matter.
I got four hours sleep last night but i am going to watch a movie before bed tonight not scary this time.
My social worker really likes my partner, annoys me a bit i can't tell her anything because i know she likes him and i am afraid she won't believe me, what i did tell my therapist he told my social worker and then they passed it on, so i'm not sure whether to trust him or not, he gave information to the police before too i know he had too but it caused stress for me. I was assaulted then the police got my mental health files read my notes and accused me of having an affair, doesn't make sense does it, so instead of looking for my attacker they looked into my life my background and have came up with nothing, it got so bad my therapist wrote a letter of complaint to them so did the doctor, then my therapist called a meeting with the police to explain a bit about me and that my silence was my defensive side and not a sign that i was withholding information, so now i have no faith in the police either.
The police are still supposedly investigating the assault.
I hope you have a good day. Sorry for going on.
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42 Comments
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Maybe once you are more stable??
I know what you mean.  It also fills in quite a large chunk of your day or gives your life some meaning.
You must be feeling quite tired again.  Lack of sleep can make people more vulnerable.  I had a pretty sleepless night which didn't help.

No, no problem.  The police treating you like that would feel like a betrayal and would leave you feeling really bad.  I know I think that people think everything is my fault because I have mh issues.  They seem to think that because I have issues that that absolves them of all blame or responsibility.  This has caused so much damage to me.  It has also made trusting quite difficult.  I was lucky my last T came alone when she did.  She was good.  Helped me see it wasn't my fault but the services and how they were treating me.

One lady here got gang raped by police.  Of course people never believed her and she finally got her case taken to court and the cops ended up in prison.  It took years though and it must have taken a huge emotional toll.
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The police caused me so much stress i didn't trust them to start with and they made it worse. Its been six months and they are no further forward with the case. I was so tired yesterday and i couldn't sleep last night, my social worker rang this morning and i was annoyed at her she is so positive at least you don't feel worse she says, i said and is that supposed to be a good thing i feel terrible and i had a bad weekend, i told her some stuff but i angry at her too not sure why though i know she is trying to help.
I eventually got out of bed and went to town before the social services people came out it went ok. I bought my children some new clothes makes me feel good, i hate buying clothes for myself nothing looks right on me so i don't bother, makes me feel depressed when i try things on and look terrible.
I think the police thought they could treat me whatever they wanted because i have mental health issues i was so glad my therapist stuck up for me, they must have been so annoyed at him complaining because when i tried to contact them after she said she wasn't allowed to talk to me until she got permission from my therapist, serves her right.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar_f_tn
I expect you're angry because her comments felt invalidating.  I would feel pretty angry if someone said that to me, especially when I'm struggling.  Actually I was angry with my GP when I was having a had time coping with all the suicidal stuff and he told me that I knew he needed his break.  And what about me I'm screaming inside.  When is my break, when do I get support?  How nice just to have a break.
You possibly don't look that bad.  You may have distorted just how bad you do look.  My GP says I do that with weight.  I think he's lying but who knows.  I think he under-estimates while I overestimate.

If you initiate contact though they should talk to you.  Sounds messed up.  Sounds like your T may have taken a little too much control away from you.  Maybe a good thing if it worked to your advantage.

I need to go.  I have my GP appointment later and don't want to be late.  Will let you know how I get on.
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Yeah the world to her is all nice she has no idea what i go through, last week i told her i was struggling and she made me sign a no suicide contract, where was the sense in that. When i was on the phone to her today i told her i was still in bed and that i was struggling and she didn't know what to say apart  from take control i feel like shouting at her don't you listen to me? Maybe i will have more luck with my therapist tomorrow. I am overweight but not too bad but i hate my body, my partner is happy with the way i look or so he says but he knows it stresses me and at times he uses the fact that it hurts me in the past by making comments on me.
I don't want to call the police they stress me so i will wait on them to call me if the ever do, they will probably wait until i have had therapy and then come back and start me of again.
At that point my therapist needed to take control, i cried our full session that day something i never do i just couldn't believe the way they treated me and a social worker was present its the law as i have mental health issues, she confirmed everything i said thats why a complaint letter was sent, then two weeks after i disappeared for 7 hours with the intent to kill myself the police were called my cousin found me and i was put in
hospital, well i was talked into going voluntarly, not that it done me any good. I have to control my urges now to disappear as i don't want the police looking for me or anyone else.I hope it went well at the GP's. Have a good day.
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Avatar_f_tn
My GP is just going to refer me to get me finger ultra sounded.
He didn't bother asking about the review.  Was a bit angry about that.
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How have you been thats frustrating that he didn't ask about the review, when will they ultra sound your finger?
It went ok at respite i went at 12pm yesterday and came back at 12.30pm i was so bored. My therapist came out yesterday and talked about stuff i wanted to avoid, then in the evening i took a panic attack and went to be and slept for two hours then i woke feeling sick, i stayed in my room alot and then watched tv and talked to staff until 1am i couldn't sleep, i fell asleep about 3am and woke at 7am when the staff came in to see how i was. Then my social worker came at 11.30 and we talked for a while then she left me home so it was ok, i am very tired today and frustrated though i'm not sure why. The staff are nice but i am glad to be home.
I hope all is well with you even though you never heard about the review. Hav
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Avatar_f_tn
OK.  Have been binge eating lots.  Will start my diet today ... maybe.
Not sure about my finger.  They may have tried to call while I've been on the internet.

If you're bored then you need to find something to occupy yourself.  Boredom, or lack of mental or physical stimulation, drains me too.

Not sure why you're frustrated either.  I should get my butt out of the house and go for a walk.  I had to stay home yesterday because a guy was installing our shower and my parents had put heaps of electric fences across our driveway ... and the guy had had heart problems.  Which the electricity may have messed with.
Anyway, I need to go get some exercise and get off the internet before my parents come back.
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Did you go for a walk? I would love to walk but i panic so i don't go, last year i could waqlk for miles now i won't walk as far as the end of our street.
I tried reading when i was away but it bored me so did the tv and so did the people they are so different from me all with their own issues different than mine and all men which didn't help, i did talk to the staff a bit they are nice enough. Yeah i will go there for the intensive therapy well i hope i will.
Hope all is well.
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Avatar_f_tn
I went for a slow run.  My leg felt a bit better but is still not right.
I know what you mean.  I have heard that the only way to confront stuff though is by addressing it head on.  To go through it.
The doctor on the mental health expert forum says that fear/ anxiety is created by irrational beliefs.  Likely what we stress and panic about won't happen.

All is OK.  I'm trying not to be such a big pig today.  So far I haven't had too much extra rubbish.  Dr Gould said that I need to stop doing what isn't helping and I guess do more of what does help.  I don't interpret his comments very well so you may like to check some of them out yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Its good you can run at least you exercise.
I am really depressed today weird i felt ok this morning and i went to town, i had planned to go with my partner to his mothers but now his brothers are here and i don't want to go i want to go to my bed i feel uncomfortable and emotional thats weird i have no reason too.
No, phone call today either i will call him on Monday or Tuesday if i don't hear from him its a bank holiday Monday so he might not be working or i will mention it to the social worker next time she calls. I thought i was doing ok but obviously not i feel like i am back to the start now.
I hope all is well with you.
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I'm just going slow at the moment.  I don't want to do more damage to my leg.
There will be a reason.  It could be due to the change in plan or having more men in the house or ... ??  A number of other reasons.

You go through peaks and troughs and plateaus.  It's life.

I had a call from the medical centre yesterday.  The doctor who was to do the review is away till December.
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Does that mean you won't get the review until then, how do you feel about that if that is the case? I would be upset if it was me i don't mean you should be though. Is there another doctor that can do it?
I guess that is life. I went to his mothers and there was a massive row between one of his brothers and his father, plus my partners younger sister is a brat and is always rude when we are there she walks out of the room and stomps about she is twelve so she is old enough to know better, but my partner had enough of her and we left there was such a bad atmosphere in the house and now i feel anxious and panicky i don't know if that caused it or not.
I really hope another doctor could do the review for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't know what it means.  It's hardly therapeutic to have no support for over two years.
I think the onus is on the service to provide an alternative.  The doctor may have transferred his caseload onto someone else.  I don't know.
Having no support till someone is available to do a review which I expect would be more like the following year isn't appropriate.
No one in my service.  Maybe someone in one of the bigger centres.  ??
Maybe now is the time to push for an intensive inpatient residential program??

You shouldn't let other peoples problems get you down.  If not like you don't have enough to deal with as it is.

Me too.  I guess.  I'm too tired to care anymore.
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I was so depressed today i just stayed in bed, then my social worker rang and my partner brought the phone up to me so i had to talk to her. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday so he didn't forget about me, i am glad he didn't.
My mother was trying to cause trouble today again by ringing my daughter saying it wasn't fair that she couldn't see her grandchildren and that my partner was to blame for her being ill which is exactly why i don't talk to her the last time she told me if she took a heart attack it would be my fault so now i don't want to talk to her so i can't get the blame for nothing. If she wants to see my children she is free to do so but i don't want to be there.
I think you should talk over your options with your doctor there is bound to be something they can do its unacceptable to have to wait that long. Are there residential programs that you could do? I know here there isn't unless you are really ill or suicidal.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar_f_tn
There's one private one.  I expect accessing that through funding from the mhs would be highly unlikely.

You are creating more stress by allowing this tension to exist between yourself and your mother.  I think you should both grow up and deal with it in a mature way.
If you don't want contact with your mother, then fine, but it probably wouldn't hurt to set aside a time each week or fortnight or whatever when she has them.
Ask her when a good time is for her and drop them off and pick them up at a prearranged time and place.  Easy.  No stress.  She has the grandkids, you have some peace.  It's a win-win situation.
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Yeah i guess your right but she has been told she can see them if she collects them and she won't. I did make the effort to talk to her the last time and even visited her and then she called me to say how could i visit them as if nothing had happened and that i needed to apologize so i think its her turn to make the move this time when i did i got it threw back in my face.
I am just not bothering with her its easier that way.
Not a good day today again but i went shopping to buy new clothes it didn't help though.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar_f_tn
You have all the control regarding your kids but don't use them as pawns in your fight against your mother.  It's not fair on them!
It's easier for the short-term but not the long-term.  
If you are able you could phone and make some arrangements.  Put limits on it though.
You will drop the kids off.  You will pick them up.  There needs to be other stuff there so that you can feel as though you can maintain your self-respect, etc.  Perhaps tell her that you're not ready to discuss some things with her at this time but that you are OK with her having the grandkids.  Find something that can work for you.  Ask your social worker.

The weather is good here today.  Mum and Dad are about to go to a home show.  I need to clean the house but then I will try and get some stuff done.  I put on more weight yesterday.  So much for my diet.  Anyway, hopefully I can sort all that out.  I'm hoping to try and get some structure back into my day.
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Its not that i don't want her to see them but so much as been said and for years she walked over me and i let her away with it so thats why i am so angry now.
I weighed myself yesterday at my GP's and i have put on weight i really didn't need any more weight, i am hoping to go back to the gym someday next week even if i only went one day a week its better that nothing. I find it so hard to lose weight i know what to do but when i am depressed i couldn't be bothered.
I went shopping today and bought some new clothes i thought it would cheer me up but it didn't.
Yeah structure is good, i try to keep to a routine but i get depressed and end up going back to bed. Enjoy your day.
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So set very strong limits with your mother.  That way you have power.  You could even ask your T and role play with him, or your social worker, if it would be helpful.

Yeah, you too (to having a good day).  I would like to go to the gym too.  I'm broke though.
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Avatar_f_tn
I will leave it another while for things to calm down some more.
I had a quiet day today i slept late as i didn't get to bed until 3am because i had to collect my daughter from work she works in a night club, its where i used to work.
I will talk some more to my social worker about it.
Tomorrow is a bank holiday here. I hope to go to the gym tomorrow.
I have spent all day talking about what will happen when my daughter goes to university and where she will live and stuff although she doesn't go until next year.
How was your day?
The course i am doing finishes in three weeks i will miss it and the people. I want to carry on with it next year i hope i can. I have to work to finish and hand in before it finishes. I had a really bad night at the course a few weeks ago and when i went to write about it today i can't remember what i learnt so now i am confused and stressed about it.
I hate the confusion part of this i want to be normal i would love to move away when my daughter goes to uni its near a beach i would love to go there to live so if i can get myself together and actually leave my therapist and social worker i would love to go away from this town. I know i could probably get another therapist there but i trust this one so much i could never build that relationship with someone again.
I hope you have a good day.
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hi.  Having problems accessing my medhelp account.  Will write more when I can and have time.
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Hi Thats ok, i'm not having a good day today anyway. I went for a drive after therapy and i was tempted not to come back. My therapist was strange with me today i thought he was very abrupt i didn't like the way he spoke to me.
I hope all is well with you.
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I'm OK.  Just tired, etc.  Kind of feel a bit withdrawn like not really wanting to talk much.  I don't know what's up with that.
I spoke to my GP yesterday.  He's going to ask around and try and find another specialist who can do the review.  I am a little anxious about how long that may take.

I need to go and do some work or exercise or something.  I am getting very fat and very lazy.  Really not good.

I hope things improve a little for you.  Take care!
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I feel the same at the minute i just want to be in my own world. I hope your GP can find someone else to do it for it and that it doesn't take too long.
I went to bed feeling very angry at my therapist i don't know why, i really need to tell him this but i don't want him to be angry at me then because in the past he has been very good but lately he's not the same with me, i thought therapists were meant to be professional and not judge people he makes me uncomfortable now, or maybe its me and he is fine really i think maybe i expect too much from people and when they can't help i get angry.
What will you do today? I think its ok to be lazy sometimes though. I hope you have a good day.
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Tell him that you felt/ feel angry with him but that you don't know why.  Tell him that you don't want him to be angry with you.  Tell him that you feel that things have changed in the relationship and ask what and why.  Has his attitude changed since disclosing all that other stuff?  Does he feel too overwhelmed to cope?  Is he just waiting for that other opinion?  Is it because the therapy was in a new place?
I get angry and frustrated when people can't or won't help, especially when I feel they can and should and don't.  Just talk to him, there is probably a rational explanation.
I haven't done much at all since, ... it feels like a lifetime ago.  I'm not sure what I am going to do.  I do need to do something though.
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It could be anyone of those things but i feel it changed when i told him certain stuff, maybe he is over whelmed with it all but they told me to talk to him and i did then i felt bad and now i feel he can't cope. Perhaps he is waiting on the second opinion and things will improve then. I am going to talk to him though and tell him how i feel and tell him that i do appreciate how much he has been there for me in the past and that i don't want to be angry at him. I rang him this morning and he never called back which confirms what i think, it took along time to trust him and it will take very little for me to not trust him and i don't want that. I had a bad day and now too my partner is making it worse, i wonder am i really that bad, it makes sense though my mother and my partner think bad of me and now my therapist is treating me the same way, it must obviously be me, well i guess i answered my own question, i need to decide what to do next.
I hope you feel ok today and got to do something, it would probably help if you knew what was happening with the review.
I hope you have a good day.
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It's his job.  If he can't cope then he needs to talk to his supervisor.
You most definitely should be open and honest about everything.
That is good.  I think complimenting T's, etc and acknowledging their hard work can sometimes motivate them more to help you.  It doesn't hurt anyway.
He may have been out of the office or any number of things.  How many other clients does he see each week?  He has to talk to them.  Attend meetings with doctors and nurses and social workers, etc.  He will have paperwork that needs doing.  Every time he sees someone he has to write up notes.  It all takes time.  Then there are phone calls he needs to make.  Conferences, etc that he needs to attend.
I left six messages for my last T to phone me and he still hasn't.  This was at the end of last year.  Maybe October/ November.  It could even have been September.
Talk to him how fragile the trust is.
It's not you.  People made me feel that way too.  It is not you.
Your partner is abusive, your mother was at best unavailable, your T seems confused and overwhelmed by everything.  It is definitely not you.

Mum and Dad were gardening.  Dad insisted that dirt was removed from clump of grass before being shifted.  It was annoying and a waste of time in my opinion.  I now have a blister.
Dad also kind of stuffed up the oven door ages ago when trying to clean it.  Trust a man.  I think I told you about it ages ago.  Anyway, we tried to fixed it again properly today and that didn't work either.  It was very frustrating.

I am feeling a little more positive about the review.  For now anyway.
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I rang him back this morning and he said sorry for not calling but he had forgotten so at least he was honest. He explained why he was holding back with the therapy he said he doesn't feel its safe at the minute and he wants to start intensive therapy as soon as possible but it has to be in respite or the hospital, so i agreed. I asked was it my fault that the therapy wasn't moving forward and he said no that i wasn't to think like that, that it wasn't my fault he said he was holding back he didn't think it safe to talk about anything until i was in a secure environment. I feel better for talking to him, i didn't mention the trust bit i want to see him face to face to do that.
Yeah the people around me don't help at all, but i guess my therapist is trying and i have put alot on him.
I feel like that too my partner and his brother tried to put a security lock on our computer last night and ended up loosing the internet connection so typical men they know nothing about computers so they should have left it alone.
I am anxious today i have my social worker soon and i am not ready.
I am also anxious about when they will start the intensive stuff and i am scared how i will react, if i react badly in respite they will put me in hospital and he is still talking about medication. I think you said you don't take medication either do you?
Did you try calling your last therapist again? I agree with you thought they are really busy, anytime i go there even to meet with the social worker she works in the same building its really busy.
I am glad you are feeling a bit more positive.
I hope you have a good day.
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Honest but not very professional.
Fair enough.  It sounds as though you resolved some of the things bothering you though.
It's his job.  Maybe you should just go to hospital (I don't think from what you have said that respite is a safe option for you) and let him begin his intensive therapy.  At least that way you can start to address things and move forward.  It will be slow and painful but will need to be done some time and like they say there is no time like the present time.
I don't know if things will feel more stable in time.  Waiting till you feel better, etc just feels like a waste of time.  You're still young and could be out enjoying life.  Don't waste years of your life by not taking action or by avoiding making good decisions for yourself.
I feel hurt and angry because I have just lost 10 years of my life.  I should have been able to enjoy my teens and early 20's.

That's a bit scary that they are trying to control you or what you do.  Thank goodness they weren't able too, at this point.

I look forward to my doctor's appointment all week and then on the day I become totally disorganized.

Ask them for a specific date.

I take medication occasionally when I feel particularly desperate or unwell.
It's difficult because I was very anti-meds -I wouldn't touch anything.  There were times I felt compelled to try an antidepressant but I wasn't able to stay on it for very long (days/ weeks.  Not long enough for any substantial benefit).
Because I wouldn't take meds when I was sectioned I was restrained and given injections.  Before I left the ward I was lining up like everyone else.
When I was home I stopped taking the meds.  I believe hospital and the meds stuffed me up lots.  I od'ed on all those meds because I felt so unwell.
With the new T I had I made heaps of progress even if it was slow.  I now take lorazepam to help me with sleep.  I should probably be using it at the moment because I haven't been sleeping very well for ages.
The doctor on the mental health expert forum says that xanax and klonopin are good for anxiety.  The best in his opinion.  I would stay away from the xanax but the other one seems OK.  I was so anxious about trying an antidepressant the doctor put me on that plus sleep meds.
If I were in your situation I would be looking at taking something to help with the anxiety.  I wouldn't be taking it indefinitely though.  Maybe even look to start it just before the intensive therapy.  Take it during and then when things ease off look at reducing it or stopping it.

In my opinion and experience I feel that when we are so anxious it defeats our efforts to get better and so that is why I think it is useful in these situations.
I would strongly recommend you discuss this with your T and doctor and look at the possibility of taking something short-term.  Nothing too sedating and nothing that will take away your sense of control.  Something you can take when and where you feel you need it.  Ask for it to be controlled though so you don't have too many on you.
That would be the best advice I could give you at this point and that is from someone who was once in a similar situation to your own and that was being very averse to meds.

I rang the mhs yesterday just to see if my last T was still working there.  He is.

I think I'm feeling better because my period has started.  PMT is the pits.
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I agree he wasn't very professional and thats another reason i feel that our relationship has changed he used to always call me back so i am going to talk to him on Tuesday and tell  him how i feel, my social worker said to be honest she said i deserve the best treatment and if i feel he is not giving it then i need to tell him. I am just going to tell him that i feel our relationship has changed and i don't know why, i know he is keen to start the intensive therapy so he hasn't given up on me, then i am afraid that i look into it to much and maybe he is stressed in general and not just with me, but he never spoke to me like that before and when he was waiting on me to talk he stood and looked at me and ran his pen up and down a thing he has for cleaning the white board he was writing on i thought it was very rude of him, i don't know why he done that is it a sign of impatientence or was he trying to distract me to keep my concentration in the room, then when we were talking i got upset and i wasn't really listening and he told me to turn my chair around and look at the board i thought that strange as well, or maybe it is just me and i am too sensitive at the minute.
My youngest is sick today and i had to take him to the doctor, then we are supposed to going to my partners mum's tonight. We also took a new car for a test drive which was ok we are hoping to buy it and trade our's in against it.
They know i am so afraid of the hospital thats why they don't put me there for the therapy well i hope they don't. The respite place is staffed by nurse's trained in mental health they would have previously worked in the hospital, my therapist used to work in the hospital as well, not as a therapist but as a mental health nurse. Its supposed to be safe enough there thay are there if i need them and i can leave when i want but i need to tell them and i suppose if i have just had an intensive session they won't want me to leave, i still think i could leave without them noticing but my therapist said they would notice. i don't want to be away from my family for a week though but i know i will be in no mood for seeing them either and if i get upset i will want to run away my therapist knows this. I can be sensible at times but if i have to talk about what he wants me to talk about he knows i won't cope well.
I see the doctor on the 18th to get his opinion as they feel they are missing something and after they talk with him they will set a date depending on when they can get me a place, but it will be soon the end of May or the beginning of June it was supposed to be in January but because i tried to kill myself and was feeling so suicidal for so long they said it wasn't safe but he feels now that they have to do something regardless of how i feel because i'm not getting any better.
I am still so afraid of the medication.
I know i feel like i am wasting my life i just live day by day never knowing what mood i will get up in or will i want to disappear that day. I stared taking panic attacks when i was 19 and i had the hope that i would get better as i got older but no i have tried hard for years and i just got worse, well stuff happened i suppose to make it worse but i feel like so much time has been wasted.
Maybe during the intensive therapy i will want medication, it would probably help if i wasn't so afraid. Do you feel you benefited from the medication at all or did it make you worse? I feel if i had large amounts of medication i can be quite impulsive and i would take it all if i had a really bad day, in the respite place the medication is kept locked away and given out at certain times so i suppose it would be ok there.
Did you have the doctor this week?
I hope you have a good day.
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It seemed like he may have been impatient.  You won't know unless you ask him though.  Maybe he's tired and it was a stressful or particularly long week for week.
I think it was a strategy to get you out of the space you were in.  He probably didn't want to allow you to get too upset because he knows he can't deal with that in the current setting.  It could have just be a technique to help ground you.
I always had trouble listening to my T when I was too overwhelmed and too anxious.
She would have me sit with my thoughts though.  And try and help me work through them.

Hopefully the new car will be OK.  Buying a new car can be stressful.

Is your T a nurse or a psychologist?  Or has he trained in both?

They probably wouldn't notice.  People get distracted.  You could probably slip away unnoticed, for a bit anyway.  That is my concern.  I feel you need to be somewhere where you can't go anywhere.  Force you to deal with your fears and anxieties and not keep running from them.  And where you will be safe.

The meds I elected to take myself for anxiety and sleep have helped.
I felt the antidepressants made me worse.

I've been seeing my GP each week.  I was planning to space my visits out but I think because I haven't been feeling that great it's a good idea to see him regularly.  At this point it helps us keep in touch about the review and other stuff that is going on for me.  My infected finger, iron deficiency, etc.

It is suppose to rain here today so my plan is to put the rest of the firewood in a shed.  Then go to town.  Is mother's day here tomorrow so I should look at getting mum something.
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That makes alot of sense the grounding bit because he doesn't want me to get to upset and he doesn't talk about the stuff that we are going to talk about in the intensive stuff with me in his office he wants to wait until i am in that other place so maybe you are right.
Your therapist sounds like they were really good, i think mine is afraid of me well afraid to push me anyway but then the way i have been lately i don't blame him.
I think its good to see your GP regularly espically when you don't feel so good at least his support is better than nothing at all, i used to see my GP more when i was really anxious and stressed but now i have the therapist so i contact him now because if i go to my GP he tells me to contact my therapist anyway. How is your finger now?
Thats right its your Saturday and its early Saturday morning with me well its quarter to one in the morning, i need to go to bed soon, our Mothers day was in March, good thing really as mine isn't speaking to me now.
I know i probably need a safe place but i am really scared of the hospital so i hope he doesn't send me there, i know the respite place might be ok but i will panic there and i will run when i get too scared and if i have too many thoughts about what we talk about i don't know if i will cope, i wish i could be stronger and deal with this better but maybe in time i hope.
My social worker is afraid that i am putting to much hope on the intensive therapy she said i should just see it has the beginning of my journey on the road to recovery i am afraid i will feel worse it makes me anxious to think about it.
I had a strange evening i didn't like being away from home and we walked a short distance and i was so anxious then the argraphobia sets in and i get dizzy and i wanted to go home and i wouldn't walk any further then i feel bad for giving into it so now i just feel depressed.
Did you get the firewood sorted? Is it cold with you yet? We are still waiting on warmer weather here it is so cold still.
I hope you enjoy your day in town.
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I meant to say he is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist but he has a lot of experience he worked in a trauma centre before he works where he does now so he spent years helping people with CBT for trauma which is why he thinks he can help me as i have PTSD. He was orignally treating me for argraphobia and panic attacks and then he discovered there was alot more to my problems than he thought so he has been supporting me ever since, even when i haven't been recieving therapy from him, like when i was pregnant he met with me every 6 weeks or so just to make sure i had been coping so he has done alot for me so i would feel let down if he changed now.
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My finger is really, really sore.  Apparently the funding has been accepted for it though so I can now access treatment.  They sent the letter to the wrong address which has meant a 10 day delay.  Really annoyed about that.
I was fuming, then I saw my doctor in the supermarket.
In time you will.  I still think that hospital is the best and safest place for you to do this work in.
It probably will make you feel worse for a bit.  It can take time for us to process stuff.  That is probably why hospital is the better option for you.
Maybe just set yourself small goals.  Maybe go a distance you feel comfortable with and then extend it a little more each time.  If it starts to feel scary again, then pull back.

Yes, I got some wood in.  Gee, typing is hurting my finger and hand (where I got a blister from digging the other day).
It feels cold although we've only had a couple of light frosts.  It is suppose to be 8 oC tomorrow morning which probably isn't too bad.

Town was pretty stressful after I saw my GP there.  He did stop and say HI though.  It was a bit strange and awkward.  I'll talk to him about it next week if I remember.
I received a lengthy e-mail from my old T.  It was nice of her to respond to my e-mail.

It sounds as though you have a reasonable relationship with him.  Maybe his consistency has allowed you to trust him a little?

Not looking forward to tomorrow.  Everyone will be ringing to speak to mum.  It will be horrible.  Plus she has requested breakfast in bed at 3am.  It was kind of a joke as she's been waking up early.
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Its warmer with you than us it was 3oC this morning but it rose to 17oC this afternoon it was a nice day but i am too anxious to enjoy it, i went to the town but my 3yr old is a nightmare and he stresses me out he is so hard to watch and screams when you i try to leave the shops, yesterday he climbed out of our living room window and he went for the road but a woman saw him and took him of the road to the park nearby where my daughter was we were looking everywhere for him so now we can't even leave him in the living room on his own.
It was nice of your old T to e-mail you, you get awkward seeing your GP like me and my therapist.
Does that mean you will get treatment soon and will you find out what type of treatment you will get? I hope it doesn't take too long you have waited long enough. Things like post going to the wrong address happens here too its so frustrating.
I guess i have my therapist for so long i don't want another one because he knows me and he knows how my mind works and i really don't want to start over with someone else, i suppose i trust him as much as i will trust anyone ever. I agree maybe hospital is safest place and possibly thats where they will put me if it doesn't go well in the other place but i will wait and see. I am anxious thinking about the therapy even
before it happens it makes my panic attacks worse.
I hope your mothers day goes well. 3am that would be early i be lucky if i am asleep at 3am, I hope you have a good day and i am glad that at last you heard about your treatment.
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I don't usually see my GP in town.  It was awkward because he asked a question on the move.  I try to protect his privacy but I don't know if that's what he wants.

You need catches or security locks on your windows.  My nephew is nearly three and is into everything.

The letter was for my finger not the mh stuff.

Which is why medication to help the anxiety/ panic would be a good idea.

I don't have children.  I do have a mother though!  Take care.
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Sorry i thought the letter was about the mh stuff, hopefully that will happen soon too.
Not another good day i am on my way back down again i was ok for about three days a bit depressed but manageable now i don't want to do anything i feel like i could scream.
I hope to go for a drive today to see if that helps but i don't want to be around people at all which is hard in this house.
Its good your GP feels relaxed enough to talk to you outside of work, you must have a good relationship with him. When i was ill with the blood clot i met my GP shopping one day and she stopped to ask i was and did i get my hospital appointment and stuff but i also have a male GP i see sometimes it depends on whose available, and he would just say hello, so they are totally different.
Did i tell you my daughter is pregnant? She is 25 weeks and she has another appointment tomorrow so i must remember because she likes me to go with her, i am glad though that she wants me there, i never wanted my mother near me at anytime even when i was ill with the clot, i never asked for her once, i preferred to be alone and when i was going for the ct scan to see if it was a clot i was thinking of my therapist because i was panicking so much i could hardly breathe and i was thinking what would my therapist tell me to do, i told him that afterwards. Its still scary to think of it how i got so ill so quick.
I need to go and do some housework or something. My partner had a row with the neighbor last night, everytime our children go out he is out watching them and shouting at them, then he put grease on a fence that sometimes they climb on, not just my children but all the children here, so my partner had enough, my son went out to get our daughter and the neighbor was out at him saying don't climb on that fence and he was no where near it. The neighbor was the one who got angry first my partner was trying to talk to him like an adult telling him that if he has any problems with our children then he comes to us he has not right to tell our children what to do. Anyway the neighbor was lucky that he walked away as my partner would have hit him if he had kept coming at him like that, i hid in the kitchen i couldn't watch if a fight broke out, that didn't help my anxiety at all.
I hope you have a good day.
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You told me your daughter was going for a scan, that was just before the social worker came to speak to her.  It's good that your daughter wants you around.  I expect she needs a lot of moral support, etc.  This must be pretty scary for her.
It's frightening how quickly we can get sick and how vulnerable that can leave us feeling.

The plumber's not coming today, but tomorrow now, so I can relax a little.  Is due to rain soon for a couple of days.
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I'm having another one of those days where i want to go to bed, fed up feeling like this.
I've been thinking alot about my parents and how they just cut me of like that and not care, they obviously don't think alot of me, anyway its not good thinking like that then i feel the need to escape this all again someday i will give in to these feelings i know i will. If it was just my parents but its nearly everyone who knows me, i don't know what i do wrong. I,ve been thinking about the police too and how useless they were in finding the person who assaulted me, its all so wrong, there is no one there, no point in calling my therapist or social worker they only care because they are paid too anyway not feeling so good, maybe today is the day it all changes.
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Parents do that because they are hurting.
It must feel invalidating that the police haven't caught anyone.  It seems very unfair and unjust.
That's what I use to say too.  That they only cared because they were paid too.  I don't think it's true though.  People do care.  People can also care but have their own priorities which doesn't mean they care any less.  When I was discharged from the service (because it wasn't working for me) I'd say stuff like they'll probably break out the bubbly.  They get very angry when they think we think they don't care.  If you want to see your T angry you could try it some time.  I probably wouldn't advise doing it though.

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I know they are hurting but my mother caused the hurt for herself, i feel like giving in but then i know i would be angry at myself because my whole life i have done things to please them, they treated me like dirt and i never said a word against them for years, so i can't give in now.
I have my therapist tomorrow and i am anxious and i know when i go i will feel upset and i won't be able to tell him what i need to, no it might not be a good idea to tell him i don't think he cares, i am afraid then he would give up on me. I would like to feel a better feeling from him tomorrow than last week.
I am still thinking about the police i really can't understand why they treated me the way they did its been almost 7 months and nothing, i am afraid that when my therapy starts they will be in touch and then i will feel worse again, i am getting the intensive therapy to help deal with what happened but i don't think it will work, my head is too messed up and too many things have happened, if it was one incident maybe that could be helped but there is so much in my head, that has never been spoken about and my therapist keeps telling me that he knows there is a lot i haven't said but i can't, maybe thats why he is frustrated at me as well.
I hope you have a good day.
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You know, we have this stuff in our head and we feel afraid to tell others for whatever reason, shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, etc, but at the end of the day none of that really matters.
I was afraid to tell people stuff that happened years ago now it's well in the past and doesn't seem like a big deal.  It is much easier just to give the stuff a voice and let it out.  People don't really care, they only care about helping you or me and helping to makes us feel better.
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