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Suicidal feelings User Group
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When something happens in your life and it is too much to handle mentally and physically and you just don't want to feel it anymore.

Founded by BellaMarie84 on September 26, 2009
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Its me shaz853 i couldn't post on the forum and it wouldn't let me log in and i had to re-join, i would write my e-mail address but i don't know if it would let me.
The night went ok but i realised how changed i really am i was so uncomfortable and so easily annoyed and upset, it depressed me even more, my partner and i fell out then because he was so drunk we didn't get home until 3am
I was still frustrated from talking to the doctor as well, but i guess i can see i have been unpredictable lately, he asked me was i sure i could keep myself safe i said yes he said i had to work with them in helping myself. He asked had i reasons to live i said i'm sure i have, he asked me could i see a future i said not now, he asked was i driving home i said i was and he asked was i definelty going home i said i was, he asked did i have a plan and i said no. He asked me to reassure him that i would be ok for now and i said i'll try so thats probably why they didn't hospitalize me at that time i was ok when talking to him, if he had seen me after or this morning that was a different picture. He said if i say in that moment that i am ok then he has to trust me but if that changes i need to tell them i said i would. I think i would have felt better had he asked more about other stuff but your probably right the safety issue was maybe the most important. He asked that on Tuesday when i planned to go away he asked what brought me back i said talking to my therapist he seemed surprised that i came back for him and not my family but i was talking to my therapist at that time and he was making me think of him so thats why, i didn't want to think of anyone but listening to him helped at that time but now they trust me even less, i find that frustrating but i guess its my fault.
I am hoping my therapist will tell me what the doctor discussed but he might not. That form of depression you mentioned that was what he said, first time it was major depressive disorder but not now i've had it too long. I thought suicidal thoughts were more present with major depressive disorder but they must be present with depression in general.
I don't know why i couldn't post on the forum or log in but i hope this works ok.
I hope all is well with you, have a good day.
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32 Comments
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Now it lets me post, either way you'll know its me.
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Yep.  Hi Shaz!

I don't really get health professionals or guess that they don't really get us.  Having a plan may signify more risk but when the thoughts are so constant they pretty much become automatic and you don't really need a specific plan at any one moment.  They were pretty stupid in my opinion for not acting.  I think you probably warrant more intervention.
I have trouble going about getting contained but I think that if you can achieve that you should be OK.

Also, if you do need help or aren't coping you need to ask for help.

I hate it when you're OK in other people's presence.  I'm the same.  It seems a bit strange when the best period of my week is when I see my GP.  I guess I feed a lot off his energy.  He's positive, energetic, proactive, confident, etc.  Then when I walk out the door things seem even worse than they did before.  It's crazy and makes accessing help difficult and confusing.

I'm sorry about your night out with your partner.  Not sure why you couldn't log on.

I'm just hanging out till tomorrow till I can make contact with my doctor about my infected finger.  It is still sore plus it gives me motive to talk to him.  Have been up and down a bit.  Have become quite discouraged that that review is taking so long to organize.  If I suppose to have abandonment issues, etc then surely the least they can do is provide me with an appointment time.  Having a time frame can help.  I kind of feel caught in no man's land.  It would be easier for me in the short-term if I could tell the service to get lost.  Seriously!  This is more damaging than having no support.  At least then there isn't that illusion that it's available.

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but I seem paralyzed in this place.  I'm sure that's about a number of different things.

Is a beautiful day here again today.  I should go and finish the washing and get off the computer before my parents get upset with me.

I hope you have a good day too.
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My partner goes mad when i am on the computer, why are they like that. My mind is racing with thoughts as usual, i am confused as to why he changed the depression diagnosis, but i am thinking too much about it. I am glad they didn't send me to hospital, i have a family and they think that will prevent me or maybe they really think i will be ok, i suppose i have contacted them in the past so they think i will again. The thoughts are there all the time even when i was out last night and at my cousins daughters birthday party today i felt the same, i think its because i realise there is something wrong with me, i'm not sure what but i am differrent. Maybe i'm not so depressed but would i not need to be depressed to feel this way about suicide, its so confusing.
Will you ask you GP about the review? Or would he know when it might come up.
I am sure you are bound to be so fed up and frustrated waiting, i hope you hear soon. I need to go to bed, i hope you enjoy the lovely weather. It was nice here today but still quite cold.
I am like you i like to know when things will happen too it makes it eaiser i hope you hear soon.


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Because maybe just maybe we do spend too long on them.  It's not really all that healthy.  I don't know what my problem is but maybe sitting with my thoughts and feelings too long is too painful.  Maybe I just feel what is the point when I haven't been able to change my situation.  Hence, avoiding and distraction seem better strategies.  For now.

A diagnosis is just words, but can hurt like crazy.  I always felt invalidated when my diagnosis was changed.  You just start getting use to one and then another one is in its place.

You do OK at talking through how you feel (on a superficial level at least) and I think you do communicate well how stressed you're feeling.  Maybe that is the difference.  That and the belief that they think you will ask for help.

It probably reinforced some of your losses too and maybe made you feel a little disconnected.  Or maybe you felt somewhat distanced from where you want to be.

I don't think you need to understand it.  I needed too and I'm not sure there are ever really any easy answers.  Just thoughts that drive you nuts or batty.  =)

Dysthymia is still low mood.  I think it is the life issues and for you ptsd, for me bpd.  I have a book that says it can take five years of therapy before the depressive symptoms go.  That's in the context of the other diagnoses.  Depression alone would be worked through somewhat sooner, I would expect.
Perhaps if you weren't depressed you may still think about it but you wouldn't necessarily be as consumed by it.

I expect both my GP and I would be sent letters informing me of an appointment time.  His a carbon copy obviously.

Very fed up.  So fed up I possibly couldn't even eat that much more.  That's pretty lame humor but you know, I'm fed up in general and that has triggered me to over-eat.

I hope I hear soon too.  I may just lay stuff out for my GP because this is getting kind of ridiculous.  Mum told me to go for a walk today because I am eating lots and spending heaps of money which she says are signs that something is wrong.
Now she thinks there may be a problem.  It's taken her a bit.
This situation is just so damn aggravating.

What's up with the bedtimes?  I hope you're following good sleep hygiene habits.
Sorry!  Just felt I needed to mother you or lecture you.  My time puts you up at all sorts of odd hours.  Just watch that you don't get over-tired.
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I am having an ok day, i went to church this morning which was somewhat peaceful i didn't take the younger ones because they don't want to sit.
My mother is apparently going to complain to someone i don't know who that we don't allow her to see my children, i have never stopped her it was her who said i was unwelcome in her house i wish she would give up on it and leave me alone.
Will you should tell your doctor that your mum is concerned, i suppose at least she has noticed.
I am confused about the whole depression thing i feel ok today.
I over eat too when stressed espically crisps and i am too heavy as it it but i am lazy at the minute.
I think they know that the majority of the time i am ok and i will tell them if i need them, also i am afraid of being sent back to the hospital and they know that so they try to trust me and i can agree with them the most of the time other times i wouldn't trust myself i just need to be sure i can know when i need them. What stresses me the most is the fact that i change so quick i could be ok today and wake up totally different tomorrow.  
I think i am beginning to accept that there is something wrong i don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, i know i never thought or felt like this before and i wonder is it possible to go back to the way i was.
The medication i take for my hormone level and the doctor looked up the side effects and one of them is depression so i don't know if that makes a difference or not, i can't stop the medication so i guess i have to put up with it. But i have other factors i suppose that contribute to the depression.
They tell me i have a long journey ahead of me and recovery is a long way away but i am so inpatient.
Did you go for a walk, do you feel any worse than usual?
Yeah i think the PTSD plays a bigger part than i thought espically the nightmares and feeling distant from everything.
I don't sleep well i go to bed late and i wake up nearly every hour, i panic going to sleep sometimes. I do get really tired and hyper at the same time. When i go to respite i don't sleep well and in the hospital i was up until 6am. I refuse medication so its my own fault.
I hope all is well with you.

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I don't have time to write now.
Just a quick thought.  The medication may be affecting your weight as well as your mood.
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It was supposed to help my weight as the condition causes weight gain, it basically means my pitutary gland produces too much prolactin which supresses all my other hormones so i have to take the medication it can't remain high its too unhealthly for all my body. I only starting taking them again in April last year so thats a year on them before it was a few months and i was pregnant and had to come of them, i lost a bit of weight when i started them and my weight has remained the same since before that i put on a stone in about a month and my weight just kept going up so at least it has remained the same, but i would like to lose weight. In bed late again, need to try and sleep.
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I generally wake up feeling not too bad but my day can deteriorate from there.  Generally if I get to bed and go to sleep I'm good till the next day (when the cycle starts all over).

I haven't done anything since last Tuesday.  Probably no worse than usual, no.  This is becoming the norm for me.  It's a bit like weight you can gain a little at a time and not notice.  With the mental health stuff you do notice but there's just not much you can do without the appropriate support.

The doctor on the mental health expert forum made an interesting comment about nightmares.  My interpretation or understanding was that they happen when you feel unsafe or insecure about something.  I should reread his comments.  I felt they were good.

I had high prolactin levels following being medicated in hospital.
My hormone levels seem pretty messed up anyway.  I seem to get truckloads of hair, or at least it feels that way because I am extremely sensitive to it, and I can't take meds that will mess with my hormones due to my cancer risk.

The doctor on the Weight Loss and Healthy Lifestyle expert forum may have some advice re: meds and weight loss.
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I am very stressed today, my partner asks about my suicidal thoughts i feel bad about him knowing, i don't want people to worry.
I wake up wanting to stay in bed i feel i can't cope with the day i want to hide, i got up today and took my children to school then came back dressed one of the younger ones and took him to playgroup, then i came home and went to bed i had enough i was so tired, my partner seen to the youngest one.
I have my therapist tomorrow and i am anxious to hear if the doctor has told him anything, i am too curious for my own good.
I am very anxious today also and i need to relax. I have spent too much time on the computer as well, i have my course tonight instead of Wednesday, my partner is afraid i won't come home after.
I hope you have a good day.
I hope you have a good day.
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People would worry more if you kept them to yourself and didn't disclose them.
I want to sleep in too.  This morning I ended up getting up at 5 am due to the tilers coming.  I use to be an early riser but now I struggle just to get out of bed by 7 am.
I often feel like that too.  You do cope with the day though.  As do I.

It's something.  You can't expect to do everything again all at once.  It will take time.  Depression is extremely debilitating.  Just take things one step at a time but make sure you do do something.  Write a to do list if that helps.

It's your health they're talking about.  You have every right to be interested.  I'm the same though.  I like all the details.  I feel frustrated if parts don't gel or make sense.

But you will because you have your therapy appointment the next day!
Maybe you need to communicate a bit more with your partner so that he will feel less anxious and in turn trust you more.  Maybe it is just about trust.  After hospital it took a bit for my family to relax.  It made me worse having them in my face all the time.

My GP said to come in and see him this afternoon about my finger.  I'm stressing a bit.  I should have made my normal appointment.  I don't know if he is seeing me during one of his breaks.  I hope not because he works late tonight.
I'm not sure what he'll do.  I'm sure half my problem is stress and that I am converting that to physical symptoms (although not necessarily regarding my finger).

Enjoy your course.  Guess that would have finished now.
Oh well.  Good luck for your therapy appt.
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My course went ok i found it very tiring. I have found out that to continue next year everyone who is interested has to be mentally assessed to see if they could cope with it so i don't know where that leaves me if they knew about me having a therapist and being in hospital they might not let me on it.
I am very tired today, 7am is early i struggle at 11am somedays i get up at 8am and take the children to school then i go back to bed. I didn't sleep much last night i took a really bad panic attack about 1am and i was so scared at that point i wanted to run away to escape it but where could i go, i didn't sleep for hours. I have therapy in an hour and i still need to shower i lack all motivation i wonder if i went to him the way i look now would he get the picture.
How did it go with your GP?
I have told my partner all i can and he still stresses he takes the car keys to bed and takes the keys out of the front door, he is making me feel trapped. He doesn't seem to understand that sometimes i am ok. He was looking at my computer history again last night when i was away then i know because he is in a bad mood with me.
I am so anxious about therapy and then i have a meeting tomorrow morning with all three of them, therapist, social worker and the woman from woman's aid i will feel so odd one out, i think i will feel most attached to my therapist thought because he knows me longest and i fell safe with him and i trust him, whereas my social worker would admit me to hospital she made me not trust her as much. I know its for my own good but i am anxious.
I hope you are less stressed today and have a good day.
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If you're not medically fit then they shouldn't have let you do this course.
Next year is a bit away anyway.  A lot can happen in a day let a lone several months.

I'm tired too.  The tilers are back again today.  It was 6 am this morning though.  I have been getting out of bed between 6 and 8.  Which is still quite late, especially considering day light savings has ended and getting up earlier should be easy.

The appointment was during his break -I think.  He said he doesn't get any breaks.
He's going to try something different with my finger and then if it's not better in another 2-3 weeks then do an ultrasound and perhaps something a little more invasive.
He is going to follow up about the review.  He thought I might have heard.

Good luck for all your appointments.

If you want you could show your partner the website.  He would come back here straight away wouldn't he, to this group.  Maybe that would make things worse.  You could always let him post his own question somewhere.
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I was ok when i started the course but things changed and i got worse. The course finishes now in five weeks time then we are of for two months and then the interviews begin for September thats when it starts again. Do you get up that early all the time, what time do you go to bed?
Therapy went well, he asked how it went with the doctor and i told him he didn't say much, so he told me that i have PTSD, Argraphobia, Depression, anxiety and panic attacks and Ocd so now i know. The ptsd explains alot then i know now why i feel so suicidal and my moods change so quick, i am glad he told me.
I have that meeting tomorrow morning at 9am thats early for me, i will leave the children to school and go on from there, i am anxious, my therapist won't be going to it he just wants to work with me on what he knows best and then let others help in their way so i can see his point and i am glad he was honest with me.
What happened your finger? Its good he will check up on the review for you.
I don't want to show my partner he knows about here but he doesn't like me being on here. I took a panic attack last night when i was trying to sleep it lasted for ages, my therapist said i probably took one after the other thats why they lasted for ages.
I feel the anxiety building tonight again i need to remember its only panic.
I hope you have a good day.
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I would usually get up about 5.30 or earlier.  These days it is when I wake up which is usually between 6 and 8.
10.30 pm.  Maybe earlier, maybe later.  Depends what's on TV or how I feel.  Sometimes I stay up much later.  These days I'm going to bed sometime between 8.30 and 10.

It's quite a letter soup.  It's what you said you had anyway.

I don't know what happened to my finger.  It's been swollen, sore and infected for about 9 weeks now.

So far it's not been so bad.  Hopefully when my parents pick the mail up from in town there will be a letter for me.  Fingers crossed.

I hope your T is working with you to help reduce the anxiety and panic.
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I am having one of those days again where i have to fight with these feelings, the meeting went ok this morning but i still feel frustrated, my therapist didn't attend i would have liked him there but i know he had his reasons, i felt put on the spot a bit but they are nice people.
My social worker said my therapist wants me assessed by the hospital psychatrist the one i saw when i was in hospital, he said he wants his opinion on what is the best way to treat me and they keep feeling like they are missing something, the appointment is in four weeks time after that she said they will arrange the respite for a week for the intensive therapy, i should feel happy about all this but i am on my way back down, i hate it but i managed to stay up for a week this time well mostly up so thats progress.
My teenage daughter is pregnant and we are going for her 22 week scan today, i should be excited but all i think about is escape it makes me feel so bad that i am a bad parent. I can't get away today because of the scan then the midwife is calling to our house after she offers support because my daughter is only 17 thats the same age i was when she was born, so what can i say.
Not a good day so far and i am tired i didn't sleep again until 2am then i kept waking up then i slept in until after 8am and i had to get them ready for school and be at the meeting for 9am.
I feel my therapist is at a loss what to do about me and him asking for me to be re assessed just confirms what i thought. I knew i had what he told me anyway. He is helping a bit he is trying to boost my confidence in myself and encourage me to make decisions for myself, and just talk in general he is just offering his support until he is sure what to do and my social worker said all the suicidal thoughts are holding them back because they are unsure of me, makes me feel like its my fault, they are supposed to be the professionals.
Did you get a letter? How long have you been waiting? I hope you hear soon.
I hope you have a good day.
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If it makes you feel better my review could almost be considered a re-assessment so you're not alone there.  I think it is possibly a positive thing.  With me my mhs thought they knew everything so essentially they kept me trapped in therapy that they thought was beneficial but which was actually very unhelpful and traumatizing.
I think it is good that your T knows his limitations and is prepared to ask for help.  If he can't treat you though or doesn't know how he should refer you to someone who can and does.

Suicidal thoughts is a lame excuse for them.  Either they commit you or they don't but they shouldn't whine about what they're left with.
What is important for them to know (other than are you safe) is what is causing or triggering the suicidal thoughts?  What function do they have?
I have some idea about which of my buttons if pushed will leave me feeling suicidal.
Obviously your team can't contain you and that is very, very bad on their behalf.  To me it shows a lack of experience and confidence in dealing with people with your issues.

No, no letter.  One from the government saying that they hadn't received my review form for my sickness benefit.  Which I had already sent in.  Apparently they are going to pay me $10 more each week.  Not sure why exactly as I thought my medical expenses had decreased.  ??
It will be eight weeks this week.  I told my GP that minimum I felt they should have sent a letter to say my appointment will be in x many weeks or months, etc.  The doctor could be waiting for confirmation from my mhs about funding.  Or it could be that he has a big long waiting list.  Not sure.
In our mhs an urgent referral would probably take two weeks.  In another I expect that would be longer and I think it's probably gone through as routine anyway.
The doctor doing the review may also want a specific number of consults to be funded so that he can follow it up.  A one off may be a huge waste of everybodies time.  ??  Maybe there will be a letter next time someone gets the mail.  ??  Doubtful.

Good luck with the scan/ midwifery visit.  Your daughter's decisions don't make you a bad parent.  It sounds as though your whole family, like mine, need intervention.

I hope all goes well.
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I agree they need to help me in some way they offer support but i feel no better for it. I am glad my therapist is getting other help because i know he cares enough to do it right and he doesn't want to make me worse. I know they are trying to keep me out of hospital because i have children and i reacted so badly last time i was there, when my therapist came to see me i cried the whole time and when my partner came i done the same, i didn't speak to anyone not even the staff although they were nice and tried talking to me, i was so scared there. I am glad in one way they don't put me back there.
I get the feeling that they expect me to control the suicidal feelings, and all they do is talk to me, i told my therapist today, the police had been in touch and i needed to talk to him first, i told him i was having one of those days where i have to fight with myself and all he says is keep yourself safe, basically meaning i know what i should do, but then again really what can they do?
I think the suicidal thoughts are a combination of things and the slightest stress sets them off even feeling frustrated and just depressed makes me suicidal. I just hope the assessment tells them what they want to know and me.
I hope you hear soon, there are always waiting lists for everything. Can i ask what was the therapy that was wrong how come they made you stay in the therapy?
Yeah my family is on a waiting list for outside help, its ok generally i used to cope really well but now my head is all over the place, that annoys me too i need to get control but sometimes i can't.
An idea of a time limit for you would be good its better to know when you might get seen. I was supposed to get the appointment to see that doctor four weeks after i was discharged from hospital that was in January, 18th May is a lot longer than four weeks, i know they knew i had a therapist and a social worker so maybe they knew i was ok, and now he is only seeing me because my therapist told him he needed me reassessed.
I need to go to bed its 12.40am and i have to get up at 8am.
Hope all is well.
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If I didn't do 'their therapy, their way' then I would have been discharged.  And eventually I was because things were just getting worse and worse.  I was in crisis they weren't helping, only helping to make things worse.
CBT, DBT -that sort of therapy.  That makes me worse as it doesn't really address the underlying problem.  It works at a level I can't use because my deficits are at an earlier developmental stage.
Plus some of the T's have been pretty bad too.  They have brought their issues to therapy and then it has become a massive power struggle between me and them (which equates to me and the system because they tell everyone how to treat me, which is their way).  There is no flexibility, no common sense.  My treatment history is a long story but it just makes me feel incredibly angry.

It sounds messy.  Jan-May is not four weeks.  I just think this very basic fundamental stuff is so important.  For some people that can mean the difference between life and death.  I have had people say they will do something (refer me, ring me, arrange some appointment or other) and never have it done.  I think it's potentially very dangerous.
So they are asking the inpatient consultant to reassess you?  Is he more qualified, experienced than the doctor you saw last week?  If not I would be wary.  I personally can't see the need for it.  Emotionally I know that things aren't right and therefore I would be encouraged by another review but ... your treatment team seem so fragmented  (which can make you feel fragmented).  It sounds as though they have no idea about what they're doing.  No one seems to be standing up and taking control.

Suicidal thoughts could also be a way to control people or to have them take more responsibility for you and your life.  They aren't going to fix your life and them give you back the reins or the control.  In my experience recovery doesn't work like that.

I saw this quote yesterday.  Help me change my life.  (But don't make me do anything different.)
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Well, today i went to see my social worker i rang her it was a bad day, she was going to admit me i was so scared, then she brought another person in to see me and they got me to sign a no suicide contract, and what good will that do, i had to promise not to harm myself, i knew what to say when they asked me had i reasons to live do they think i am stupid. They know my fears about hospital and maybe they know i will be ok.
Yeah the inpatient doctor is the top doctor all the rest work under him, i wish they were more structured in what they are doing.
I know i need to take control and the suicidal thoughts make me feel out of control i don't want them, i know some time they will probably admit me again if i keep telling them i feel suicidal but if i don't tell them then i would feel worse, alone.
She is to call me in the morning and take it from there, i had the choice of hospital and turned it down so if anything happens its my fault.
I have respite on Tuesday night but i have to go during the day and have my therapy session there to see what the intensive therapy will be like in that setting. I have a feeling that during the intensive therapy i will end up going back to hospital, i'm not sure i'll cope.
Is the review because of the therapy that didn't work well?
I like the quote, sounds familiar.
Have a good day.
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They can't know if you will be safe or not.  They can guess or bluff but they can't know for sure.
The person who came in was probably a doctor or someone like a DAO (?duly authorized officer -they can be nurses, social workers, etc).  For me that's someone from the PET team.

From personal experience they don't care so much about the thoughts, as long as you don't act on them and jeopardize their livelihood, but about the thoughts and feelings behind them.

I could never sign a no suicide contract in good conscience.

I have this new philosophy that if they won't force anything on you that you don't want in hospital then it is a good option.  I was frightened of hospital but only because my family didn't understand and everything was so divided.
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I knew i had to sign it or i wouldn't have been able to go home, they did offer me the respite place as well but in said no, i just wanted to go home.
If i go of my own will to the hospital i can refuse medication, so as a safety option it would be ok it takes away my options then i would have no choice. I think she was a nurse and i was already with my social worker, i also knew thought that two people had to assess you before they admit you, thats why i was scared.
If i still feel that way in the morning i will try to be honest with her, i am tired of fighting with myself.
I hope you hear about the review soon.
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I have done that too.  One doctor said he would section me unless I agreed to take medication.  I eventually said yes but then never took any.  The doctor went back to the States soon after so it was never followed up that diligently.  The doctor who I usually saw told my GP he wasn't prepared to use the act at that time.
Here you need someone to initiate proceedings.  For me that was my T.  Then you need to be assessed by a doctor and then another one.  I think it changes a bit due to circumstances but for the most part it is the same.  Or it's something like that.  I can't remember the process exactly at the moment.

No letter again today.  I guess my doctor will let me know on Tuesday when I see him next.
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I had another day of fighting with myself it was unreal. i rang both my therpaist and social worker and couldn't get either, then they both rang back in the afternoon.
I just asked my therapist about the appointment on the 18th and he said he needed a second opinion so i understand that, i was getting frustrated with my social worker she makes it all sound so happy and easy. I was thinking they tell me to ring them when i need them, then i couldn't get them at that point i was still wasn't dressed at 2pm and i was ready to commit myself to hospital, i eventually calmed down when two woman called to see me a referral was put in my therapist to see if they could offer any help to my family, the distraction of them helped. My therapist said he will come and see me in the respite place on Tuesday for our session, then i will come home on Wednesday.
I am sorry you are still waiting to hear i hope your doctor can give you an idea of when you might get an appointment, i get frustrated waiting on appointments too.
How are things with you?
I hope all is well.
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Your T and SW have other responsibilities too.  They see clients, have admin, etc.
You should probably just go to hospital.  Decide and then act.  Can you afford to keep going on like this?  It sounds exhausting.  I forget how bad it can actually be.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated, etc.  I have been binge eating badly again and that is not helping.  It takes me further from my goals but means I don't have to deal with heaps on negative emotions in that moment.  Then I am left dealing with all the issues.
Mum and Dad are arguing, etc again.  It can get pretty tense.  It's not really a healthy place to be trapped in.

I hope you have a great day.
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Yeah i know they have other things to do but when i feel so bad i get frustrated at them but i know they are busy. I am hoping i will feel better soon and i won't need to contact them as much, that annoys me too that i need to contact them sometimes daily, why can't i cope on my own, maybe i need to try harder.
I didn't eat so much for a while but today i ate too much junk so i know where you are coming from. Arguments would be stressful to live with, do you have friends or family that you can go and visit sometimes. Feeling trapped is not good.
Things have been calm with my partner lately i am glad, the bad side is though then i have too much time to think and all those thoughts and feelings get worse, at least i know intensive therapy is planned well thats if the other doctor doesn't suggest something else.
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I don't think trying harder is the answer.  Changing the behavior, perhaps is??
I don't really have anywhere to go.  That's good if things are calmer with your partner.  What has made the difference?  Whatever it is you should run with it.

I just went for a short run.  I'm thinking about making an ultimatum for when I visit my GP next week.  I'm tired of doing this and of being stuck and not having access to support that can help.  This process is annoying me no end.  I don't expect there will be an appointment letter in the post today.  Is almost stupid getting my expectations up.

I hope the intensive therapy goes well.
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I talked to my partner and told him i couldn't cope with the way things were so that seemed to work for now anyway. A calmer day today thankfully. What will you say to your GP its a pity that they can't offer some support while you are waiting.
Did they give you any idea of how long you would have to wait? I know 10 years ago i waited two years to see a analytical therapist because CBT hadn't worked and i was really bad, i had post-natal depression and i wouldn't go anywhere so i actually took anti depressants for six weeks the first one i was allergic too but the second one was ok but i was less scared of medication then, since that alot has happened and i have been allergic to alot of stuff. I waited so long and that made me alot worse and i have been in some form of therapy since first the analytical one for two years and then with my current therapist since almost six years now, but it hasn't been constant therapy for a few years he was just supporting me every six weeks.
I hope you hear soon.
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I don't know.  I will probably end up discussing my finger, my pulled calf muscle and fatigue.  I'll see what he says about the review and when it is likely to be.  If it's not yesterday then I'm not really interested.  It's already taken forever.  They make it out like there is help there (like I have access to a review) but the reality is that I'm not getting any support.  That's a bit like someone having a heart attack and being told that help is on its way (when the ambulance is like a two hour drive away and stuck in traffic).

No.  I didn't expect to be waiting indefinitely.  When I'm not well the time seems to drag, a lot.
Two years is a long time to wait, especially if you're not well.  It's like the carrot and the stick.  They bribe you with some hope that new therapy will help.  You hold out for that.

Me too.  Sorry for whining.  You do sound a little better.  More relaxed.
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I hope you get answers soon, the stress of waiting will probably be making you feel worse. I know the two years waiting made me worse and i have been in therapy since so more support at the time would have helped, but i guess they are helping now. I know what you mean about the waiting you need the support now, not promises of it. I had an ok day i went to town but i was very anxious and panicked when i walked out of my comfort zone. I watched a scary movie tonight not good for the anxiety i will have trouble sleeping tonight, it was one of those movies that plays with your mind, i shouldn't watch them.
I think i'm maybe more relaxed because i have respite on Tuesday and i really need to go, my social worker told them i will be there before lunch, then i feel i have to go also because my therapist is coming there at 2pm, i'll probably want to go home after and i can if i want but then it defeats the purpose, i will have so much trouble staying the week there. Its not a bad place its just like a house with men on one side and women on the other there are living rooms and a kitchen, lunch and dinner are made for you but anything else you want you make it yourself, you are supposed to treat it like your home, eaiser said then done, i don't like being away from home, thats the problem with argraphobia i am so limited to where i can go. What annoyed me yesterday about the two woman who called from social services, i think i told you they called, well my therapist had told them stuff i had told him in confidence i didn't like that he's not supposed to when i told him the stuff he just said to leave it with him and he would talk to my social worker to see how they could help but i didn't realise he could tell other people too. I need to ask him why he told them, in detail.
What will you do today? I hope you have a good day, try not to stress, i know though its hard when you are so fed up waiting.
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Probably not before bedtime, no.  I use to watch a lot of the forensic medical murder programs.  My sister use to call it morbid, but I was absolutely fascinated.  I had interests in both medicine and the police force.  It got to a point where it was probably a bit too much for me to mentally process when there was so much going on in my own life.  Watching it before bedtime got a bit creepy.  And ended up in some lost sleep.

Is the place you go for therapy near the place you go for respite?
When I was in respite I went to therapy not had my T come to me.  It just seems a little strange.  I guess if you have therapy in respite they don't have to worry about you going home, or making it home.  I guess if you can become impulsive it is a good thing to minimize risk.

You do need to clarify, if only so that you know where the boundaries are and so that you can feel safe in the future.
Is the social services part of the same set up?  If not then it is a huge breach of trust and confidentiality.  Not sure what their role is so maybe it is OK.  ??
Your T should have told you that he would tell others.  Maybe to get the support for you he did need to talk to others??

I put some firewood in the garage.  We use the fire to heat our water, etc.  I had convinced myself that it would rain sometime and we would have no dry wood and end up having cold showers all through winter.  I got some in.  I will do some more tomorrow if it isn't wet.

Doing the firewood kind of broke up my day a little and therefore made it a lot easier.  I hate doing thankless and never-ending jobs on the farm.  It depresses me as it's the same and things never change or move forward (and I don't get paid).  It just contributes to me feeling trapped.  I like hard work.  Just not hard work indefinitely with no reward. It gets a bit demoralizing after a while.

I should go and cook dinner.  Mum and Dad have been gardening today.

My sister, nephew and in-law came out yesterday for a short period.  I was quite happy when they left.  My sister and her son alone are OK but I don't need extended family here.  Too stressful.

Chat again soon.
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I am glad you seemed to have a better day. I watched the movie, not a good idea before bedtime.
My partner and i argued for hours last night i didn't get to bed until 4am he will probably read this anyway, he doesn't trust me that is so frustrating.
The place i stay is used as respite, and an alternative to hospital for people who have just come from the hospital, yeah he will do the intensive therapy at the place they want me to be in a safe environment as they call it, so he is coming to do therapy there on Tuesday so i can see what it will be like, but intensive therapy won't begin until i see the doctor to see what he suggests.
Getting paid for work would be good. I used to work in a nightclub i left during my last pregnancy because i had the blood clot but i loved it there, the people didn't know me so i could pretend i was normal, no anxiety or panic or ocd .
No, social services are to do with the children to make sure they are ok because i have mental health issues and have attempted suicide they want to be sure my children aren't affected, my social worker said they are fine but my therapist knows some stuff about me and my partner and what the realtionship is like and he was concerned but i didn't think he would tell them what i told him but maybe he can.My fear was that the social services would tell my partner what i had said, they are supposed to be there to help. They said my house was fine, clean and tidy and the children were fine, she is calling back tomorrow then another day to meet the older children, if i go along with them my therapist said it will be fine they are there if i need help.
I get stressed around family too well not my mother as she isn't speaking to me she told my eldest son that it was wrong what i was doing in keeping my children from her but has she forgotten she told me i wasn't welcome in her house so how can she expect me to take my children to her house.
Did you do more firewood i forgot its your autumn, its spring here well supposed to be its not very warm.
I am kind of cautious what i write on this as my partner checks it, i have alot to say but i can't, maybe as time goes by he will stop checking and allow me to have a life.
I hope you had a good night and have a good day.
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I expect your T can and most likely that is a good thing.
We have so many child abuse cases here it is unreal.  Someone in town put their 3 year old in a clothes dryer and turned it on, hung the kid on the clothes line, slammed them on their head, etc.  It's disgusting.  I doubt you do that but it is nice just to have someone advocate for the children.

I think you're way more social than I am or will ever likely to be.  Working in a nightclub would stress me heaps.  How did you manage your conditions long enough to work?  My ocd and anxiety would almost prevent me from going through the door.

You need to work something out with your mum.  Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, so to speak.  It is not fair on your children to have to relay messages and not very positive ones at that.

Not yet.  Mum and Dad have the bike to do the animals.  I need it to load the wood on.  It's pretty foggy here today although not wet.

I'm going to go for a 20 minute run.  Or that is my plan.

Can you write messages?  They're private this end.  Messages don't come up in applications as do notes and journals, etc.

You know, if your partner is that controlling you should leave.  That is a very big warning sign.  There's been some TV coverage of that here because a university tutor stabbed his ex-gf and killed her.  It sounds as though your partner has some issues of his own he needs to work through.
If he does read then he should participate in the discussion.
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