I'm a member of the Addiction and Recovery group. I read a very powerful post from 2007 on the subject of forgiveness, and I found myself wanting to add to that discussion. Since the post was back in August '07 I thought I'd best start a new thread. However, below is the original post.
by Tab57, Aug 31, 2010 04:55AM
by Dazon50 , Aug 30, 2010 03:53AM
I came across this while reaching for healing things this morning:
HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HAS HURT YOU
If you have intense anger in your heart for someone who hurt you badly in the recent or distant past, I encourage you to read Tyler's thoughts here:The End Of The Fury
-I can't get over how powerful his last statement is:
When you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.-
I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about theirs. You don't have to make it known to the people who hurt you that you have forgiven them. The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.
Is it possible to truly forgive all transgressions?
How do you forgive someone who physically abused you when you were a child? How do you forgive someone who raped you or a family member? How do you forgive someone who spread vicious and humiliating lies about you? How do you forgive parents who put their own needs and egos way ahead of your basic emotional needs as a child? How do you forgive a parent who left you when you were young? How do you forgive someone who has sucked the joy out of your life through his or her negative, hypocritical, phony, lazy, selfish, and ill-tempered behavior over 30 years of marriage?
I really don't have a clue how you can truly forgive others for any of the above. Maybe complete forgiveness is impossible in some cases. Maybe sometimes, the hurt is so bad that the quality of your health and life will suffer for the rest of your life because you will always harbor some anger towards the people who hurt you. If you are determined to find a way to free yourself of the burden of chronic anger, no matter how badly you have been hurt, there is one powerful and effective exercise that I can recommend.
It's to sit or lie in a quiet place and imagine your tormentors as they were when they were babies or very young children. Visualize these people one at a time, and really take time to feel the realities of their lives as toddlers. Babies are not born with a distinct desire to hurt others physically or emotionally. They are born craving love and protection. Visualize what your tormentors were like when they did nothing but crave love and protection. If you work at realizing how pure and innocent your tormentors once were, you may come to a point where it becomes clear that their hurtful acts as older children or adults stem from their own wounds, from their own emotional memories of being hurt and/or neglected.
If you know of another effective way of bringing yourself to forgive people who have hurt you badly, I would really appreciate you sharing in the comments section below. Your thoughts on this topic may eventually make a significant difference in another person's life.
I ought to clarify what I intended to say. My name is Georgia, and I'm a recovering addict, who was taking up to 8 oxycontin per day 80mg of oxycodone. I was deemed 'out of control' by the clinic I went to, and was put on a methadone maintenance programme. I've been on this since 2007.
The reason I felt it might be a good idea to join this group - at least for a little while - is to offer a perspective from the point of view of an addict, facing perhaps similar issues to those of your loved ones. I could perhaps speak on their behalf, on some issues. I could attempt to answer any questions you may have. This, because I understand well what life is like for them, the shame they feel, the guilt they live with, the sense of failure, the depression, the knowledge they have disappointed you and let you down
I implore you to be as patient and loving as it is possible to be. They do not CHOOSE addiction. They are not necessarily weak or powerless. Their brains are wired differently to other folk. Addiction IS an illness. A physical one. The brain is a physical organ of the body. When things go wrong, they can go QUITE wrong! The stigma surrounding mental illness (including addiction) is heartbreaking.
Please go easy on your loved ones, and keep in mind that it is going to be a long battle ahead. Remember that the single most IMPORTANT thing you can do for your loved one is to accept them, and love them. They owe it to you to try to get well. They owe it to themselves. You owe it to them to educate yourself as much as possible on their disease - addiction. You will need a thick skin. At times they will say and do things that hurt, offend, or anger you. Remember that more often than not it is the addiction talking and doing, and not your loved one.
Above all continue to love them. Continue to forgive them. Continue to support them and to reassure them DAILY if need be, that you are there for them. Love them. Believe in them.
None of this is to say you should tolerate things you should not. Live within your standards and retain your high expectations of them. Don't be manipulated, made to feel guilty, Follow the advice of a family counseller, or professional support person.
Thank you for your insightful comments as I can tell that they were written from the heart. Addcition is a disease that knows no bounds and effects both the addict as well as the people closest to them.
The toughest thing for me as a relative of an addict as well as a person wh grew up in a household domianted by addcition is when to draw the disctinction between helping and enabling an addict. Addcits tend to look for the easiest mark when trying to score the need their next fix. Often time they use the people who love them the most as they are the least likey to tell them no. By doing this the person "helping" is ofen times enabling the addict which fuels the fire of addcition and hurts the addict in the long run.
My nephew is an addict who refuses to admit that he has a problem and continues to hurt family members and loved ones with his actions. Many of us have tried to hep him in the past but I can not longer do so as at this point IO know it would just enable his addictive behavior. I just say no now. It hurts but I know that this is the right thing to do. If he were to come to me and admit his problems and desire to want ot get help to fight his addcition I would do everything that I could to help him but unfortunately he is not at this point yet so my heart aches for hm eac passing day. I pray that he hits rock bottom soon and hen really wants to get clean and stay clean.
I still love him but my patience with him has run out until he makes a siginificant lifestyle change. I will always love him and would forgive him of his past mistakes if he would admit his past mistakes and desire to fight his addicition problems. One can overcome this disease but it is not easy.
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