Help for the Helpers anf Those in Need of Help

Helping others with addcition issues can be just as much of a roller coaster experience for the person providing help as it is for the person being helped. This is where we can share experiences and exchange ideas in conjunction wiiht helping peole with addciiton issues. It is also a place for addicts to request help.

My passion is helping those with addcitin problems who truly want to gte better.

Currently I have a freind who I am helping. He has took advantage of our friendship by asking for favors and lying about the reason for his need. I suspected something along the lines of drug addiciton but had no proof of it. In January of this year he hit bottom and came to me and admitted his problem.

We had a long talk and I listened for a while and then calmly explained my dissapiontment in him taking advantage of our friendship. He was very apologetic for this. I also understand that adicts hurt those the love the most. He also expressed a strong desire to get help for his problem. Long story short he has done this and has stayed clean ever since.

As far as the hsi recovery is concerned nobody except for myself and his fiance believes that he will stay with the program. Doubts have been raised my most of his family members. I understand their concerns because they have been burned by him in the past as I have. However but I am willing to help him now as he really is determined to do this and do it with professionals managing his recovery where he is subject to random testing. I wish his family would be more supportive of his efforts.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing?

[1dogranch]

Yes I am experiencing this right now.  I too feel like my friendship has been taken advantage of, and this person claims they are serious about getting help, but suggestions I've offered have fallen on deaf ears. Kids are involved and this person refuses to tell spouse. Sometimes I wonder if I am just assuming the worst about this person or if this person has been truly lying to me the whole time.  They have already admitted the vicodin addiction but I don't know where to go from here.

By the way, thanks so much for creating this forum!

[Tab57]

Let me answer your post in reverse order. You are very welcome. I thank you for requesting such a forum. There needs to be a sounding board for the many people involved in helping addicts.

How long have you known this person that you are trying to help? I believe that an addict will try to take advantage of those they are closest to them. They are looking for as easy a target as possible when it comes time to ask for a favor. By granting the request the friend or family member is unknowingly enabling the addict which is the last thing we want to do. I say unknowingly as at the time the request is granted the person being used does not realize that the addict has a problem.

What was the nature of the requests that you complied with? In my case it was money. Once I realized what was going on that was stopped. I did loan him money one time to get professional help under the condition that he provided me with a receipt and the exact chnge, He did both and is now in the process of recovery and paying me back. It's not about the money with me but about trust and him getting the help he so badly needed.

The key question in your case is do you believe that your friend truly wants to get help. You seem quite skeptical and understandably so especially if they refuse to tell their spouse. Another question would be why doesn't he want to tell his spouse? This to me is a red flag.

In my friend's case he told his fiance, myself, friends and all of his family members about his addicition. He was very open about his problem.

[Tab57]

Now to continue. I believe then when a person hits bottom they will be completly honest with those who they are requesting help from.

What are you offering and what is his typical response? Obviously the response is not positive as you mention that thay have fallen on deaf ears. I know thta this is terribly frustrating. What type of help are you currently providing to you friend?

In what way did your friend take advantage of you? That is tough to take but I got over it since my friend was fully committed to his recovery. I hope that your friend gets to this point on.

Best of luck to you on this one. I look forward to your response. I will be in prayer for you and your friend. Please keep us posted.

Tom

[1dogranch]

I am trying to figure out a way to respond in the forum worrying about this person figuring out that I am posting here but at the same time wanting to help out others who will benefit from the posts.  Therefore I'll say what I can here and send you a private email.

It's hard to trust someone in this situation.  They tell me they didn't take anything but I don't know if I believe them?? What if they really didn't and I'm accusing them of something they didn't do?

[Tab57]

Feel free to send me a mesage about the rest of your concerns.

Addicts use those the love the most becasue they are easy targets. I have been a target in the past ad may be again with my nephew. You are right to be wary because addicts are prone to do most anything to sustain their habit until they hit bottom.

My nephew and friend have both taken advantage of me and both must earn my trust back. I take what my nephew says with a grain of salt as he has a long way to go. My friens has made good strides but must continue.

Both of their actions will speak for them.

Hang in there and I will pray fro you and you situation. Please keep me posted in whatever manner works for you.

[1dogranch]

Does it  make sense if I say this person runs hot and cold?  We can be really good friends one day and the next this person is completely distant and moody.

[barbiefrank]

My husband has been clean from opiates for 15 days.  He seems very distant almost like he does not even care for me anymore now that he is not high.  he is leaving for a 1 year rehab program next week and I can't figure out why he is not trying to be nice to me before he goes.  he won't help with the kids or even worry about what i am going to do while he is away.  He has made such a mess of our lives and our finances, and I have no job.  Is this normal or am I missing something?

[1dogranch]

My problem is I think the moodiness and hot/cold thing is because she is back to taking vicodin again and is lying to me about it.

[1dogranch]

This person is very defensive when I question her about being off the pain meds. She gets self-defensive, says "why, you don't believe me?", and my questions is, if she was really not taking the pills why would she care if I believed her or not.  I can only think she's being self-defensive because she is still taking them.  If anyone can share their insight with me about whether to believe this person or not, please share...thanks

[dominosarah]

Hi.....I am sara, a recovering addict/alcoholic.  My gut feeling about your friend is she is still using.  She is showing all the signs, denial, mood swings etc.  The one thing an addict hates is confortation.  I noticed her response to you asking if she was still using.  An addict who is trying to recover will say NO....one who is actively using says WHY.  We dont like for our secrets to be seen on the outside.  There is a saying about addicts and that is how do you know when an addict is lying?  Everytime they open their mouth.  Once we are in recovery our actions speak louder than words.  It takes a long time to rebuild the trust we have shattered with family and friends.  Hopefully she will get the help she needs.  It is right in front of her, all she has to do is reach out~~~I hope this has helped you some.        sara

[Tab57]

Hii,

I toatally with Sara's assessment. I fiully believe that your friend is still using > Denial and defenssive behavior are signs of this. My experience with my friend is that prior to getting clean he was very defensive but after starting his recovery efforts he was vey open. He answered every question I asked and  was happy to show mw proof to back up the fact that he was going top rehab and sticking to their plan for him.

Actions do speak louder than words when an addcisdt is recovering.

Good luck and God Bless,
Tom

[1dogranch]

Sarah - Thank you so much for your response.  That is my gut feeling too.  A couple months ago she admitted everything to me, but because I realize now I was enabling her she made me part of her addiction circle.  And also, I like my wine, every nite while making or eating dinner I will have a couple glasses. She has told me that I have a problem, saying that just because you don't wake up and drink doesn't mean you don't have a problem.  

Anyway, I don't know what to do, cause she is a neighbor and now a good friend after a year of spending time together.  But my priority is my family, and if she's not willing to get help, I can't help her.  She won't tell her husband and I just can't be the only person that knows, which I am because she told me that, it's too much of a burden.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks again.

[Tab57]

You are right about your family being your top priority. If she is not willing to get help then there is nothing that you can do for her. Be very careful.

She really needs to level with her husband. Unfortuantely addicts are real good at taking advantage of people. In doing so you believe that you are helping them when in fact you are unaware that you are enabling their behavior.

Tell your friend how you feel and if she gets angry then it will show you how little she really values your friendship. On the other hand if she really values your frienship your input may help her level with her husband.

Good luck and God Bless. Please keep us posted.
Tom

[dominosarah]

You dont have any meds at your house do you??  If you do make sure they are locked up tight.  Also dont leave your purse out in the open and leave the room.  This is also addict behavior.......

[1dogranch]

Thanks again for the responses. This is so hard because if she's telling me she's not using how am I supposed to tell her how I feel?  When I was with her the other day she acted totally normal.  But her old behavior of staying up to the wee hours of the morning and not being able to wake up when her kids do, and her spending sprees are all still there.  

I noticed she used to go to the bathroom every time that she was at my house and I thought that was strange. I'm guessing now she was snorting the painkillers cause she talked about it before.  She claimed she heard u could snort them to get a better high but that she'd never done it. Ha, now I realize she was doing these things all along.

Sara - I don't have any meds in the house and no $ in my purse anyway...

[dominosarah]

Snorting is actually harder to stop than swallowing pills.  She will have some problems once she stops doing that.  Her nose will hurt real bad.  Her behavior has "active using"   written all over it.  We dont want people, especially our friends find out our secret.  All you can do at this point is tell her you will be there for her when she gets honest with herself.  It is a helpless feeling.  Secrets keep us sick and she just hasnt hit her bottom yet....We as addicts spend a GREAT deal of time denying.....its the nature of the beast.  Another thing that really stands out to me is IF she was actually not using anymore she wouldnt be feeling very good.  Once we get off the meds most of experience withdrawal that is brutal.  We dont sleep, we vomit, we have diarrhea, no energy, we cant eat, we sneeze constantly and we certainly cant go shopping.  This doesnt go away over night either.  We are usually sick like this for a week or more with the sleep and energy lasting much longer.  Depression can and does set in.  Our legs and arms shake(RLS) also.  These are just a few of the symptoms we experience....sara

[1dogranch]

she claims she went through withdrawal when she ran out of pills 2 weeks ago and it took about 3 days.  here's the issue, there are children involved and I'm worried.

[dominosarah]

Usually the 3rd and 4th day are the worse.  I hope and pray i am wrong on this one but i have a feeling im not.

It is never a good scene when children are involved.  Is she married?  Does her husband know about any of this?

[1dogranch]

She is and refuses to tell her husband.  Supposedly I am the only one that knows.  She made me swear I wouldn't tell my husband (of course I did) and I can't convince her to tell her husband.

[dominosarah]

If she is still using and driving with those children those babies are in harms way.  Here in the state of Minnesota you can be arrested for Driving under the influence.  Are they being taken care of properly when she is alone with them?  You know the conditions of which they live, i dont so please watch this closely and if you feel for one minute that something is amiss(other than the obvious) PLEASE talk with her husband.  This isnt just about her.  Her secret could cost someone their life..........sara

[1dogranch]

Well, things came to a head over the weekend.  She admitted to me via email that she's still abusing.  I replied basically that unless she tells her husband I can't do this anymore.  She said in her email she just wanted me to be her friend and not bug her about the drug use.  She said she's not bugging me about my drinking and would help only if I asked for it.  Again, I drink wine with dinner every nite and she has made it out that I have the problem.  Worried about how she's going to react to my email....

[dominosarah]

Dont let her turn this around on you.  We are good at placing the blame on others.  She has to face her own demons.  Time to step back and let this play out as it will......When she is honestly ready to do something than you can be there for her.  You have done everything you can as a friend............

[helpus4]

I dont know if im doing this right but im desperate right now. I am dealing with several loved ones on drugs and i really need some help i dont know maybe some advise or maybe just someone to talk to i dont know. Im not sure if i post it here or not could someone let me know what im suppose to do please!!!

[Tab57]

You have come to the right place. I feel for you if you have sevelal loved ones on drugs as one is hard enough to try and dela with. NA (Narcotics Anonomous) can be a big help as can Alanon dependng on the specifics of your situation.

I am going to send you a message with more information.

Good luck with your efforts in dealing with your loved ones.