I don't know from where to start..Its perhaps going to be a very fragmented story but I will try to make it as easy as is possible for anyone to read. I won't say I have led a very unhappy life because I think people have suffered much MUCH much more than me... But I will try... I have grown up in a family where conflicts and abuses characterize it. Since whenever I can remember there has been a fight among some or the other members of my family... There has hardly been any peace. And if there has been any at all, it has mostly been short lived. I think I don't have any self confidence and I think I am quite ugly and fat though I am really thankful to God that I have always been healthy since I have seen people with physical deformities and ailments.
My mother was married off really early to a man who was 14 years bigger than her. She has constantly been telling me that she is living with my father because of me otherwise she would have run away. In fact sometimes the fight between my mom, her mom and my father gets so intense that often my mom has told me that she has suspected my father of cheating on my mom with my mother's mother. When I was very young (around 5-7 years) a girl had come to my house to stay... It was then I came to know through that girl who is around 28 right now and I am 18 that my father is her father too. I was devastated back then. I came to know that this was my father's second marriage and that he already had 2 daughters from his first marriage. Everybody in my mother's family came to know about it much later... So it was kind of that he had tricked my mother into marrying him. My father is a flirt. Sometimes his behaviour towards women really upsets me. When I was in class 3 I came to know that my mom was having an affair with my school teacher's husband. I was heartbroken and angry. She kept on telling lies to me saying that they were just friends but I had overheard many of their conversations and text messages. Some were outright obscene and flirtatious and I remember this one particular day when I was kind of eavesdropping their conversation and how hard I had found to breathe that day. I was choking and suffocating inside. The fact that that man was a close family friend and my school teacher's husband didn't help plus he had daughters as old as my mom maybe 4-5 years smaller than her. I didn't say anything because I tried to make myself understand that she is an individual and if she is finding happiness outside the house then I should have no problem. I often began to cry by locking myself in the bathroom and by not letting myself cry in front of anyone else. My mom has an anger problem. Once she gets angry she doesn't see left or right. She abuses me with the worst abuses possible, calls me the source of all her problems and the reason why she is so unhappy. In fact she says that I am responsible for 80% of her troubles. I know my mom is a little hyper and angry but I have never let that affect me because I know that she loves me. My father too has had multiple affairs though casual ones and I have come to know about those through his messages and of course through his fights with my mom. When my mom and dad fight it really reaches a peak. They both abuse each other with the worst things ever In fact once matters reached such a head that my father broke my mom's leg. My mom can really infuriate someone though her ill words... I am an average student though I am quite active in co-curricular activities... At school I have maintained this happy go lucky image and the fact that I have a perfect family. I have realised that my parents aren't proud of me I know they love me but they abuse me and hit me sometimes only if they're angry which they are mildly often. I know my father wishes that I should have been prettier ad my mom wishes that my grades were better so that she isn't embarrassed of my grades in front of her colleagues whose children are quite bright and well placed in life. My father too wishes that I am able to be at par with his friend's daughters but I always fall short of their expectations and I am to be blamed here. There is constant fighting going on in my family and immediate family and no one really gets along with the other. There is constant abusing, cursing and fights. My mom reprimands me for being careless and irresponsible and I think I really am. Very often my mom says that she will get me married off soon if I don't get the grades that are required to get in a top college.. She says I am good for nothing and have not faced the harsh realities of life and that is why I am so foolish and dumb. I have been constantly listening to all this since I was in class one and now I feel I am really losing my patience, something about which I am clearly worried because I don't want to offend my parents. After all they have provided me with everything- good clothes, good school, things which I need everything. It seems as if I am the one who has fallen short of giving them back everything. I have always been the one to whom everyone comes and tells their problem in the family. For eg, my mother will tell me how unhappy she is with my father and her life, my father will tell me how my mother needs to control her tongue and start behaving properly, my grandmom will tell me how she has been subject to disgrace and humiliation by her children... My mother's sibling are constantly fighting among one another... This year is my Grade 12 examinations. Something which is extremely crucial for me. But I haven't been studying at all. My parents are very disappointed in me and are constantly shouting at me but this isn't their fault. It's mine. I am not studying. I am often wasting my time on the internet reading books and all or watching T.V. I have become a little absent minded. I am finding it a little difficult to control my anger. I have never retaliated to anything that my parents have said to me so far but now I am finding myself retaliating slightly. I have done some things which I am ashamed about and would never forgive myself for it. I have started crying more often by locking myself up in the bathroom. But mostly, I have really not been studying. I have lost all focus and concentration and motivation. I have become a little absent minded. I am not able to meet my parents expectations. The least they expect me is to get really good grades which I haven't been getting. I think God is also a little angry with me. I love reading romantic novels because in the end the girl always finds happiness something I want to get in my life too but I think i won't because I am ruining my life by not studying properly. There are constant fights in the family because of me. Lots of cursing and abusing. I am the reason for all troubles. But I know my parents love me but they're just unhappy with me I think. All this has been going on in my life since I was 5 or 6 or maybe even smaller than that. There are so many other problems but I don't know how to write about them... But I know people have suffered much more than me in fact this is hardly any suffering but for the first time I felt the need to get this all out of my system... I already feel that I am so weak that I can't handle simple problems in my life.. when people have the courage and ability to emerge out of problems a thousand times more intimidating than mine. I have no real friends or people I can talk to. But I just tried writing it down today after all these years... I don't expect sympathy or pity just that.. I wanted to say something out of so many things.
Thank you :: to anyone who has read this so far.
Sorry if my grammar and english is a little bad. English isn't my first language.
I am 17.
I'm sorry you are going through such an ordeal. Have tried talking to someone about what going on at home? Have you tried talking to a counselor or someone that you trust? Don't let what your parent say get to you it's not your fault that they are doing this its their fault they should not be blaming you. Don't believe that it's you they are so unhappy with themselves that they blame you cause it's so easy for them to do. The more you retaliate the worse it may get. So be careful.
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