Am I really depressed?

I've been dealing with depression since I was 15 years old. I am now 18, turning 19 in January. I was hospitalised for three weeks and a half at the age of seventeen, seen numerous councellors and phsychologist, been put on countless amounts of medication for anxiety, depression and sleep, self medicated with marijuanna for a year at the age of 17-18 and had an eating disorder (anorexia) before I started smoking marijuanna. I also attempted to overdose and failed this summer. That was the first time I actually attempted. Before then, I would draft my suicide notes, make a plan, and come really close to running in front of a bus or a car on the highway but always stopped myself. I find myself very open about my depression and suicide issues, however not for attention.. But when someone offers to listen, I spill all the details and I can't help it. I'm scared though.. The thought of suicide scares me so much. I feel so alone, so hopeless and I want to commit suicide but never get the guts to do it.. What does this mean? Sorry for the vague paragraph, I didn't want to make it longer than it already is..

PS: I've been diagnosed with minor social phobia, severe depression episodes or watever, and insomnia.

[Rachhxo303]

I'm here for you if you need to talk. Feel free to message me, God bless

[vhvh112297]

I haven't overdosed but I have been thinking and haveing suicidal thoughts I recently think that smoking will help my depression I just turned 15 and I tried almost every medication there is that isn't a steroid my energy levels are low I don't eat that much and I have severe episodes where I cry my eyes out and can't seem to stop I have no way to talk with my family I feel that everyone hates me and wants to harm me I have very low self esteem I hate myself so much I can't stand myself. I would talk to myself in my head and then I would say stop he not this or that I'm a *****. Then I start crying I wanna get rid of my depression but I can't something is keeping me from reaching happiness an I think I know what it is its myself sorry for making this so long I have no one to talk to at home or school