I'm 14 years old, and I think I might be depressed.
I have no clue what could be causing it, really. Nothing drastic has really happened in my life in like, ever. I have my group of friends that are great, my school's fine and family is fine as well.
And yet, I feel like a mess.
My friends all have their ambitions and goals in life, and that's great. I think I might have some too, but for a reason or another I don't really believe in them. I don't believe in myself, I don't think I'm good enough for anything. My friends tell me I have a low self-esteem, and I think that might be the case. I call myself offensive names on a daily basis.
I think it could be described as a voice, as to say. And no, I don't think I have some sort of mental disorder that would actually cause me to hear voices in my head. It's more like my brain, my consciousness, is divided into several different parts, all of which interject their opinions whenever they want. The biggest and loudest of them all is the one that enjoys putting me down.
If an opportunity is offered to me, I am predisposed to turn it down because I think I'm not good enough. I get extremely confused when someone compliments me, because I honestly don't think there is anything in me to compliment. I just think they're being nice to get me to do something for them.
And as icing on the cake, I think I'm worthless. I'm worthless of any sort of kind behaviour, I'm worthless of living.
I think of dying at least once every few days. The thought of self-harm doesn't sound as repulsive as it should. I haven't done anything, but I can't promise that I won't.
There are days when I wake up wanting to die. Wanting to just close my eyes once again and just never have to wake up to reality again. To just vanish off the face of Earth and be forgotten by all.
The funny part is that there is a part of my brain that knows it's wrong, that knows it's unhealthy thinking and that continues telling me that there is still something worth living. But even that part cannot straightforward name what exactly it would be for me to still stay here.
I love my friends, to the extent where I worry that if I do something to myself and commit suicide that they'd get depressed and sad and do something to themselves. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt anyone by my own actions. In some ways, I stay alive and live life day to day just for everyone else. And I think that's not a good reason to live. I live for others, not myself.
If someone offered me a way to just vanish from all existence and fall into oblivion, I would take that offer and go without even looking back.
The more I think about it, the more complex it gets. I just need someone to tell me what I should do. I don't want to live, and yet I do. I'm torn between harming myself or just putting on a smile and ignoring it all. I don't want to talk to anyone because I don't even know whether this is a real problem or not.
I feel similar sometimes. I have very low self esteem most of the time now. I'm not as confident as I used to be about stuff anymore. Like simple things like school work, sometimes I feel like I can't do it. Like it's too hard. I don't take up opportunities as I used to. And as for the worthlessness, I feel that way when i'm at my worst and that is often. I've thought of self harming, but i'm just brave enough to do it. I'm 16 now and I think i'm depressed. Because I have suicidal thoughts as well. Most days (more often than not) i feel like I want to die. Yet with me, i'm not brave enough to do it because I feel like it's permanent. When you die, there's no coming back. I'm scared of that. Yet I feel like life is so unbearable sometimes.. I also don't wanna leave my family with that mess, I don't want to even think of how things could be if I died. I feel like it would affect them in ways that won't ever be fixed. So I feel like I live for THEM. Cause sometimes the only thing that's stopping me from killing myself is when I think of what they'd have to deal with. And yeah I wish there was a get out of jail free card. To get wiped out of the Earth without having anyone remember me. That way no one will get hurt and I might be at peace. But if that was the case, it wouldn't be life.
I know this is gonna sound funny coming from me, but don't hurt yourself until you try and get some help first. The biggest mistake i'm making now is not getting help. I mean sometimes I feel like what use could it be. It may not solve any of my problems. But then sometimes I think, it could help. I feel like suicide of self harming is a temporary solution for a long term problem. We're similar and I think you may be depressed too. But I don't think you should give up. Because people have gotten out of these things, it's just not easy thing though. We know, we're going through it. So try and talk to someone don't ignore it. I feel like that may just make things worse.
That is the way I feel. I agree, you may be depressed. I can't give you much help seeing, i am going throught the same thing, but i can sya one thing. I beg of you, please do not hurt yourself or take your own life. I have self harmed once, and once only. For me it did nothing. It only make me regret it or feel worse. I didn't even feel ALIVE to be exact. I think of suicide every now and then, and went through i period of time where i thought that i may even do it. But when my anxiety and sadness went away for a while, I thought to myself, why? Things get better, and when they do, you will be extremely grateful that you did not give up. As the previous post says, "it is a permanant solution to a temporary problem". I am 13 by the way. You may need to talk to someone. And sharing it on this website is the first step you haev taken to getting that help.
I wish you luck!
A big hug to you.
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