I don't know whether I have depression or not. I don't want to go on meds and I'm afraid of telling my parents because of the money they'll have to spend to take me to a doctor. And I feel stupid talking to people I know, much less a strange, about how I feel. I told my mom once but she laughed and said it was teen angst.
Basically, this emotional state formed when I was in seventh grade. Before that I was okay as a kid. I was really tall for my age and chubby so I had bad self esteem. Kids would say mean things but I wasn't particularly bullied. I started dieting in 3rd grade and my mom always said being skinny was better. My parents are immigrants; my dad would work all day and my mom would stay in her room on the computer talking to family so I got used to being alone. I was always really shy as a kid and found it painful to talk to people. Basically, I always felt inferior to everyone. I began being sad all the time, randomly. It wasn't just sadness either, there was a feeling of worthlessness. I silently degraded myself all the time. I began crying for no reason. This was fine as I always stayed home alone with the exception of my little sister so no one knew. It got horrible in eighth grade. I began getting into fights all the time with my parents. They were always stressed out and had short tempers, so they snapped easily. I also had a short temper and was always depressed, so I always talked back. My shyness and reclusive, independent nature resulted in me having only one real friend when I entered high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm all smiles when someone talks to me and I always soften my tone. It's my nice person act. But I'm one of those easily ignorable people and I realize that I do it to myself. And I act awkward around people sometimes. Recently I've been having mini panic attacks for no reason. My heart will beat and I'll feel like I'm about to explode and die and I just want to cry. I feel trapped and like I can't escape. It's really embarrassing because my face will flush most of the time too and I'll start sweating. I cry all the time, still, and I feel as if I've become more sensitive and nerve-y. I'm beginning to fight with my parents a lot again. I have no motivation to do anything though I wish I did. I have no inspiration for art or any other hobby anymore. I just want to sleep all day. I'm always tired. I have bad memory. I'm disorganized. I'm constantly trying to start a 'healthy life style' and lose weight but I continuously binge. I feel fat all the time. I don't like eating around anyone who's not my friend because I feel disgusting. I don't like social events unless I'm tipsy.
I recently got into a fight with my parents over driving. I'm 18 and have my license and a car and have been driving for a year with my permit. I'm a careful driver and drive plenty of times with no problem when my parents are with me. But they won't let me drive alone. The thing is, I constantly feel trapped. I sort of see the car as salvation because it will give me freedom and allow me to get fresh air and leave the house whenever I want. I tried telling them this and they think I'm being overdramatic. I don't know how to explain to them that this is really how I feel and I need to get out of the house once in a while (they're always working so can't drive me a lot).
My parents have loved me and everything but for most of my life they've ignored me in a way. I didn't get a lot of attention from them, which happened after we moved to the united states when I was four. I can't remember anytime they were really proud of me or anything I had accomplished. I recently got into college and I'm a first generation so I thought I'd get more endearment than I received but they just made a joke about how I only got accepted into 2 colleges (I only applied for 2, mind you since I had confidence I would get in so I didn't bother with other applications elsewhere). They think they're funny but even their most harmless jokes really get on my nerves. I'm sick of them and everyone else in my life and I just want to be alone. And yet I don't. I just hate depressing other people with my depression and getting into fights with my mom and dad and just being unhappy.
Also, the only real friend I have isn't any help. She's my best friend but she's not good at emotional stuff so she just replies with a 'oh, that *****' monotonously when I try to tell her ****. She did say, however, that she's noticed my random depressive episodes and I should go to a doctor.
I wish I could tell a teacher but I don't even know how I would go about that. I just feel like they'd go 'why the hell are you telling me this?!' since I don't have a real relationship with any of them and my grades suck so I feel like they hate me. My psychology teachers nice and I've thought of telling her but I don't want her constant sympathy. It's embarrasing.
Sorry for dumping the story of my life, there's more but I think this is enough. I just need some coping mechanisms, some tips to improve life, and just some advise on whether I really need to go see a doctor or whatever. I just feel like I'm on an island and I can't even reach anyone else, no matter how much I need help.
* I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a hormonal imbalance if that had anything to do with anything.
I started reading the comments on here because I know when I'm feeling ******, I hope someone's reading mine. Don't apologize for venting-if typing your feelings makes you feel better then by all means, type away. It's better than the alternative. I'm only 19 and a freshman in college, so I'm not too far ahead of you. Where you're at right now really *****. I had similar issues when I was learning how to drive and I can't say enough how good it felt to be able to drive alone and just get AWAY. Sometimes being at home is absolutely suffocating. My parents are just like yours; they're good people, they're just kind of jerks. The jokes get old, and if you react in anyway, you're deemed "hormonal" or "emotional". Teenage hormones suck, especially for a chick. But honestly, congrats on getting into college. That's so awesome! It's going to be so great for you. The second you step foot onto campus, whether you're near home or far away, you can be ANYBODY. You can have your history, or you can have the history you've always wanted. I don't mean lying; that'll catch up to you. I mean no one knows you, and you don't have to tell them anything. I'm an extremely social person, but truly, talking to people is so intimidating. I want to sit alone in my room instead of going out sometimes, but when I force myself to go out and smile at a stranger or jump into a conversation, it makes such a difference. You have to feel that fear of change and newness in order to accomplish something. And seriously, find a hobby. go to intramural sports or get involved in theatre. Keeping yourself busy distracts yourself from getting inside your own head. It can also keep you from bad habits, like eating because you're bored (such a bad habit of mine). Look, I know things are ******. And you don't want to hear things like "it gets better" or "keep your chin up" because those sayings are so cliche and so applicable to a wide range of issues. Sometimes our issues need to belong to just us without some stupid phrase to make things better. I guess the only advice I can offer you is what I would want to hear. You can be anyone, anywhere. Go to college, study abroad! Just go somewhere. Do something. What helps me is to close my eyes and focus on the future, Even if its looking forward to your next warm meal. Just have a picture in your mind of something that's going to make you feel better and allow that to push you through the day. You've made it this far, you can keep going
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