I've started going through the problem of depression since I was 9 and being the youngest of the family, i tend to keep everything to myself. Since i was young I've been living most of my life with my mother, my two elderly sisters (each with 5 years of age gap) are very close to each other but i was left out and made fun of frequently. My father works far away from us . He is not strict but i was never close to him. My family loves him but i always hated him. I do have the love for him sometimes but over the past years since i started to depressed, i began to hated him. Now that he's retired, i have hated him more. I have this unbearable feeling of hatred towards my father. He made me into a monster that i have become now, Manipulating other members of the family to go against me. He told me to change once before as i thought i was the one who is wrong but to no avail, it's not enough for him. He seeks more, more than i could ever give. He deceived me. He never takes me seriously. There's a level of joking and making fun of others. but for 16 years and soon to be 17 years of life, not once has he taking me seriously. He abused my mother mentally. He just sits around doing nothing while me and my mother suffers from doing one work after another. My mother kept on saying "Your father is tired, now that he's retired, he must need some rest" with an unconvincing smile. She cried in silent while i always stand up for myself. My mother still loves him and so does he with her but my father is very stubborn and doesn't listens to others. He kept on making problems for my mother as what i thought of him seeking such lowly attention to the point that he even refuses to go and see a doctor when he's ill. Without a doubt i still care for him as he is my flesh blooded father, but i can't help but to get frustrated and angry over his act upon me. Treating me as if I am stupid and childish. When i advised him on something he would make fun of me non-stop and brought it up until he grew tired of it.
The stupidest thing ever is that even if my family knows how he is, when i stand up against him, the had their backs on me leaving me alone in the darkness and strike against me instead. I was the black sheep of the family they say. I was left out in everything since i was young bearing depression alone since i was 9 years old. The only thing that i could gain their attention is through my grades, my achievements and the good name that i brought upon that none of my siblings could. My father only hold on to me for the name and glory. I need help... For years i bear the feelings of depression, anger, hatred, loneliness, left-out and much much more,,, i need to lift this feelings out in order for me to achieve my dream and get out from this house. I want to be free.,. Free from problems, the pressure that HE out onto me, the anger, the hatred, and most of all, i want to be free from HIM....
I seek for help for my problem when i was in elementary school the only person that i could talk to was a counselor of mine. He was a great man with great advised and motivation. But to no avail, it only lasted for 3 years and i grew into a middle school and then high school. over all in school i have no problems regarding my social radius or anything. I am just depressed to the extend that nowadays, most of the times i have to fake out the happiness in order to move on my life. I am heartless... I have no more emotions or feelings inside me anymore except for anger and sadness. Happiness occasionally comes to me but heartless is something that my family called me mostly.
That sounds like my family, especially my dad ( except for the work and retiring part, plus my dad used to hit me when I was little) I know how frustrating it can be, believe me, but I've learned that after all he's my dad and I'm not gonna have him for ever, and if I don't forgive and love him later on I'm gonna regret it. Plus someday you're gonna start your own life, enjoy your dad while you can :) it's hard at first, but when you put it to practice you'll see that it's not that hard, plus when you get mad, frustrated, sad, depressed , etc you are only hurting yourself. Don't give up :)
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