I believe that I am dealing with moderate-severe depression...

[Kuriketto]

Hello. I'm new here (just made an account an hour or so ago...) and I need serious help. I'm thirteen years old and I think that I'm dealing with moderate-severe depression. It started on the first say of 8th grade, this year, and I was feeling this confusing "ball" of depression inside of me. I began to dwell on past experiences such as embarassments, bad decisions, arguements, things I've said, et cetera. It has been simply like this for weeks and little things such as dropping books, tripping on things, being late for class, et cetera, have been making me want to burst into tears. And then, once I spilled my lunch and my friends' lunches all over the floor I had to clean it all up myself with a mop and bucket. People were laughing at me and telling me to clean faster and stuff like that. I was so embarassed and stressed that I burst into tears and sat on the floor as people stared at me. I started seeing the school pcychologist from that point out. However, lately, she has been missing the mark for me. And because of that, I didn't know what to say. But anyway, the more times I saw her, the more my depression became clearer and, unfortunately, the more it got worse. I began to think dark thoughts and sinful things and became more lifeless around others, things like how my life is a lie, how I'm destined to go to Hell, how even though I try my hardest to help others and please them, I do it for myself, making me a selfish human being. I also began to feel like I wasn't worth knowing, how I was so foolish for not realizing these things until now. I go on an online composition site, where in the Forums I have made such tight bonds with the people there that I have grown attached to the computer and have grown to hate the outside world. I feel like people don't understand me on the outside and that people DO understand online. And I have proven this true over time. I don't have many friends on the outside world and the friends that I do have are not the understanding type and sometimes harass me and say that I'm just being overdramatic. And so I have attached myself to the web even more. Over the two years of being on that site, I have formed a love with a 17-year-old guy (who I refuse to state his real name here) who calls himself "Hawksearcher." He was overall the nicest person I've never met and he understands me most. Whenever I am sad or angry he does not react with depression or anger or guilt, but he reacts with a calm attitude, warmth, and kindness. Words can not express how wonderful he is. And so recently, it has grown from a crush to a love. One day, I had a breakdown on that site and released all of my terrible emotions, and once again, to my surprise he responded with calmness, warmth, kindness, and understanding. He wasn't demanding with me but he just understood and told me that he would help me in any way possible. So after I read that post, I admitted my love to him, right there. I know what you are all going to say, that it is too dangerous to fall in love with someone online and that I'm just getting over my head. That is true, but, however, I HAVE seen a picture of him and I've heard his voice. I refuse to believe that he is a liar no matter what anyone says. He is the most sincere person I've ever met and nothing would change how I truly felt about him. At that point, I knew that he would be shocked or angry with me once I said what I said. But he talked with me privately shortly after and he, once again, was very fond and warm. He said that if I truly wanted to take another step and make our relationship more serious, that I would have to somehow show him who I truly am (picture, video, et cetera.). However, he said that he isn't forcing me, and hat he respects my decision and rights and wants to make sure that it's okay with my parents before I do something. Ever since then I've never heard from him and I have longed for his physical presence, which has been tearing me apart. I have been questioning my love, and have been wondering if it has been just a childish delusion of mine that we could actually be together. He's so far away from me, in age, location, and wisdom. I know that I could never compare to him. This is the main reason at this point why I am depressed and confused. Lately, because I haven't been able to maintain contact with him and have been fading away from my physical friends and family, and because all of my hopes and dreams for the future are no longer visible to me, I have been thinking about running away or disappearing from the world. I no longer feel love for my parents or my friends and if something had been taken away from me I wouldn't care. And I've had this childish whim that when I would do that, that my love would be by my side, holding my hand as we ran. It's such a childish thought, and you have no idea how much of a fool I feel like. Also, what I have said here is NOTHING close to the full explanation of my depression. Most of my feelings have been writen on my computer and I continue to write them today. I just want to hear some thoughts from you guys. What do you think I should do? I've vaguely spoken to my mom several times and after what has happened, I know for a FACT that she wouldn't understand. And my mom and my dad would be so furious and disappointed in me, knowing that I became vulnerable online and ended up falling in love with a 17-year-old. My friends aren't close enough to me to even want to understand me. How severe do you think my depression has become based upon what I have said? I just don't know what to do. Time is ticking by so slow for me and I don't even see a future anymore. I'm so confused and I am seriously thinking about doing something drastic. Help?

[Kuriketto]

Thank you for supporting how I feel; you have no idea how much it means to me that you responded the way that you did. I've been abandoning Medhelp for a while because it hasn't been helping me as much as I thought it was. It makes me so happy, knowing that some people support me and don't want to change the emotions I feel. Thank you.

[AngieWay15]

Hon, it's okay to be confused about what's going on in your life. Some people blame depression on teenage hormones, but that's bs. I understand where you're coming from. The best thing I can tell you is that you need to tell you parents. I know you might think your mom won't understand and maybe she won't but she will know how to help you. She cares. Personally, I think it's okay that you've fallen in love with someone online. You just need to be carefull and I mean careful with who you are talking to. Because not everyone is who you think they are.

[Kuriketto]

I've also made a new thread, dedicated to the sole situation of my love...

[Kuriketto]

Although I want to speak to my parents about this I know that it will take me a long time to get the courage to do so. My mom has been pestering me about my problems lately and, although I've wanted to say something I just have been pushing her away, out of irritability. I've been feeling very ironic lately; although I want to be around people and I want people to love me and to understand me and care about me, whenever they come I just push them away. My heart is so fragile and I'm such a weak person; whenever people surround me and constantly ask me what's wrong and why I seem sad, I TRY to smile and say that I'm alright but sometimes I end up crying and I desperately want to run away into a dark corner or disappear. I don't like it when people see me cry. It just brings me attention that I don't want. It's sort of the same with my parents. Whenever I seem sad they never leave me alone. I know that that's a good thing but since I'm a loner I like being alone sometimes. However (here somes the irony again) I always want someone to be around me, but once someone is there I want them to leave me alone. Sometimes, although I know that this is a selfish thought, I feel like their presence isn't good enough for me. Also, in the times where my father has punished me the more I cried the angrier he became. The more I began to hyperventilate the more he screamed at me. Sometimes I wonder if it will happen again.

[helplogan]

Now that must have been very difficult to go through and i understand why you're uncertain.  The whole thing was not nice and living like that afterwards must have difficult, you coped so well and should be proud of yourself.
When someone lets you down trusting them again can be difficult but when it's a parent, the worry that they can let you down again can stop you trusting them so easily. Parent's can't disappoint  or hurt you if you don't trust them. If you expect nothing but disappointment you can't be let down again.
My mum unfortunately always let me down, nothing i did was right and she made sure i knew it and my Dad worked long hours and we never really spoke when we were together. I won't lie to you and say growing up was great because it wasn't, i did try talking to her many times to see if things had changed but you can't change who a person is. I was lucky enough to have an aunt who i could speak to and trust, her support meant the world.
The thought of letting your Dad down is a real worry for you isn't it?
You may have to accept that pleasing him will be impossible no matter what you do or how hard you try, I tried to please my Mum for years before  i finally accepted nothing  i did was going to be good enough.
He probably isn't going to be happy you're going against what he said but would he be more upset knowing you are dealing with all this on your own. Not all parents are great, I wont claim they are  but i like to think most parents would deal with a situation differently if they had the chance again.
Confused  or exagerated feelings and confusion come with being a teenager and relationships with boys become  a really interesting aswell. You need  the support of someone you can trust so you can get all your feelings out in the open and hopefully understand them a little better.
I know you feel your mum let you down too but what do you think about speaking to her?

[Kuriketto]

My father decided to leave once. He left for months and I was so depressed; he would occasionally come back to our house once in a while but whenever he would leave I would run up to him and cry for a very long time. I was only a small child then, and I began to lose faith in him and I had missed him so much. I almost felt betrayed. Once he decided t come back he gave me two crystal butterflies, one green and on pink. He said that they represented him and I. By giving me these two butterflies it was a promise that he would never leave again. Several years later my parents got nto another arguement and my mom was so afraid of my dad that she would sometimes lock herself into her room or mine. I was listening to their arguement through my bedroom door and I heard my dad say that we was going to leave again. Because of sadness and anger I whipped the two butterflies out of my room and into the room they were in for them to see. Immediately my dad came into the room and began to scream at me. Whenever he asked me why I did that I was speechless. The arguement continued and eventually it got so bad that he began to swear at me and tell me to shut up. Once he left I began to hyperventilate and an ambulance came to calm me down. He didn't care. After he left and came back again several times he would punish me and keep me locked in my room because I accidentally said something offensve to him or something that showed that I did not respect him. Of course, he would let me use the bathroom, but my mom would have to get food for me and I would not be able to leave the room for any other reasons. He did that a few times and I realized that he would get angry at me for more reasons and recently he has been disappointed in me for not helping or for not being around much, or for not getting off of the computer. But the main reason why I hesitate to tell my parents (especially my dad) is because my dad is very strict about not dating until I'm 16. Telling him that I'm extremely passionate about this guy, who is not only someone I met online, but he's also seventeen... who knows what would happen...

[helplogan]

Sometimes the responce you get is not the worst you are expecting.I'm a mum and i have told my kids they can come to me with anything, and i'll always listen.  I would be disappointed in myself and feel i'd failed if they thought they couldn't come and speak to me without judgement. Thankfully my kids trust me enough to tell me anything, because trust goes 2 ways, they have to trust that i love and respect them  and no matter what they do i still will. You maybe need to try to trust your parents with your feelings , if they let you down then you will know to cautious in the future We sometimes don't think before we speak but most parents are just worried about  you and that's why they appear upset or disappointed when they're not at all.
Have they let you down before? everybody is afraid of judgment especially by a parent but that is what unconditional love should mean. It does in my case anyway,

[Kuriketto]

It surprised me and made me so happy once I got a reply.

My parents know about this website and they know that I spend a lot of time on it. But they don't know about my love and even if they do love me and understand I know that they will eb angry or disappointed.  But thank you so much; I have considered telling my close friend and my family about these things but every time I tried I got too scared and skipped the chance. Thank you for the support; it means a lot knowing that there is someone there for me.