I just don't know?

[Jimmy_formation]

I'm just going to get straight into it...

I hate myself. I think it started getting like noticable to myself 2 years ago. My family moved from the country to the city, at my old school I definatly wasn't a popular kid, I hung out with the guys in primary school but they rejected me in highschool cause I wasn't cool anymore to them and I was a freak. But my best friend who was a guy stuck with me cause he to was outcasted and we had been best friends since yr2 we didn't really care what other said, we had each other and we new they were idiots so yeah it didn't really bother us. At the end of yr 8 start of yr 9 my family moved to the city which was a very different change for us, I wanted to move but I didn't want to leave my best friend. I applied for the smart school here but didt get in however my two older brothers did, I felt like I failed my parets and was embarrassed by it and didn't tell anyone, not even my best friend. I decided when I moved here I wanted to be cooler and dress more like a girl and be part of a girl group and be more normal. I figured my mum would be happier with this and that I'd make friends more easily. I made friends quickly and settled in ncley but missed my best friend terribly. Both my parents are teachers and idk my mum semmed to start associated me with like slurry people because I now wear my hair out and wear a skirt which I never did before, she doesn't call me a **** but she just makes references to those kind of girls at her school sometimes at me and I can tell what she's implying. I also do army cadets, this is where I met my boyfriend who is in charge (CSM) and I'm a cpl, my mum I can tell doesn't like me going out with him, she doesn't approve of dateing at my age (15, nearly 16) and he just turned 17 so she never askes about him or invites him to anything and hardly ever let's me do stuff with him. It's gotten to the point where I am scared to ask my mum if I can do something with him on the weekends evause she gets angry at me when I do and I feel like I've dissapointed her or something. She never seems impressed or proud of me anymore, I recently won a scholarship to Vietnam along with 7 other students from nsw and idk she didn't really seem to proud of me, idk what it was but I didn't feel like she reallycaress I got it. When we left for the airport all the other scholars parents were the to see us off at the hotel and everyones parents were smiling and waving and sad to see us go, but my mum just stood at the back talking to someone and didn't even wave.

My boyfrind is so supportive of everything I do and always listens to my problems and tries to help out in any way he can although it's quite hard because we can only email though fb and call each other and rarely get to see each other except at cadets and there's a no frat policy and we hardly ever get to talk. For the past 2 years I have been cutting myself, not on the wrist but somewhere hidden and last week I finally built up the courage to tell my boyfriend, I thought he would be dissapointed in me and hate me and break up with me or something, but on the contrary he just hugged me and told me he loved me and he was going to help me and see me through this nomatter how tough things got. He also always tells me he thinks I'm the most amazing girl in the world and how lucky he feels and how beautiful he thinks I am, and idk I like it when he says that sort of thing but at the same time I kind of resent it and wish he would because I just feel like he's lying or something? Idk i just can't believe it when he says it and it makes me feel worse about myself for some reason?

Idk whenever I get home I imediatly feel like crap and I just want to cut myself again, I always go to my room but my mum gets angry at me for always staying in there but if i'm not in there she always judges whatever I do and get angry ause I'm not doing something else that she wants me to do. I just feel like I always dissapoint her and I'm not good enough. I have an older and a younger sister and 5brothers and I always feel like I'm being compared to my sisters. I'm nothing like them, I'm more like my brothers and my mum has made plenty of ill comments about this and I just feel even worse and not good enough.

I pretty much just hate myself, I don't see any reason to be here anymore? The only reason im living or havnt done anything stupid  is because of my boyfriend. He means to much to me and I mean to much to him. I don't know what to do? I feel like crap all the time, I constantly think about cutting and I don't feel good enough. I know my problems are just stupid and there's plenty of people out there with much worse problems and so I never talk about my problems and only recently have started opening up to my boyfriend but not completely, he's so carding and always tries his best to help. He seems to be the only one in the world who cares? Idk there's so mch I havnt put into this but I have trouble sleeping and am pretty tired atm... Idk I just haute myself is pretty much it and I hate my mum, but I love her? I'm so confused, I feel like the worst daughter for ever saying anything about my mum but she makes me feel so bad about myself? Idk I feel like I just need to forget about my problems and grow up a little but everytime I try somethig happens and then I just feel worthless and crap again.

I don't know what to do? I need some guidance or something? Please help me? Sorry I'm probably waisting your time with you reading this, it's just stupid idk sorry.

[j17c27]

you sound just like me...

I am so similar it is rediculous.  Especially when you say "I like it when he says that sort of thing but at the same time I kind of resent it and wish he would because I just feel like he's lying or something? Idk i just can't believe it when he says it and it makes me feel worse about myself for some reason?"

I had a boyfriend...who was my everything.  I dont have a supportive family..i have friends, but they dont understand my hatred of myself or my depression or anything. I thought he was the greatest, most supportive person ever...but it turns out i was wrong.  After dating for 2 years he left me...
Im telling you this, not because I think your boyfriend is a bad guy, nor do i think you should break up...but it is really important that you find friends.  Even if you dont tell them about your depression or anything...it just helps more than anything in the world to be able to have friends to go to, to just forget about anything stressful in your life and be able to get your mind off things and have fun.  
And I agree that you shouldnt change! You sound incredibly smart if you got a scholarship to Vietnam! thats ******* AWESOME! how many people do you know have gone to Vietnam?! You are your own person, so you cant even compare yourself to your siblings and you cannot be judged based off them.  You are making your own life for yourself!

I have also cut myself...and let me tell you...its not worth it. One day, when you are soo happy and learn to be happy and love yourself, you will resent those scars so much.  They do nothing but remind you of times you just want to forget.  Whenever you feel like cutting put a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it a few times.  It is a similar feeling, but doesnt leave you with a stupid scar.
I understand your feeling of hating yourself...but just think of what you mean to people like your boyfriend...you mean the world!

[CoCoTheHobo]

Its  not stupid t all!! I think you need to rid yourself of negative energy. Forget your mom, rebel. She cant control you! Listen to your bf. You ARE amazing. And at school, dont chhange, be yourself. Because those who mind dont matter, and who matter dont mind. <3 best o luck! <3