Teen Depression Community
I think I might be depressed?
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I think I might be depressed?

Im a 15 year old girl. Mostly nothing to unusual, but since my parents are going through divorce, I found stuff out, and you know. Stuff happened. I'll explain from the first day. About a year ago, my mom started changing, though she was still married to my dad, she started going out with other guys, and I figured out that she'd be paid for it. On top of that, I met one of the guys, who she was really close with. Hell, he proposed to her. Which is the main reason of them going to court and getting a divorce. This guy had a HUGE influence on my mom, he got her into drinking, she's now a terrible alcoholic, and even smoking. But recently, he died from liver failure. Which of course, drove my mom insane, she is drinking more then ever, and I'm pretty sure she is depressed. She'll always get mad at me for no reason, she'll shove and yell at me, and has become a terrible liar, and lies and blames me for everything, which gets me in trouble with my dad. She did meet another girl, who's shes best friends with, which she'll do anything for, my mom will constantly go out with this woman, she even tried to adopt her friends niece. Which of course, I didnt take well, I tried to tel her I dont like this girl, and instead I got the boot. I left for a few days to get away. But because of my dad I had to come back. But other then my family reasons why I think I might be depressed. I'm addicted to cutting, slicing open my skin. My arms, from shoulder to wrist, my thighs, hips, ankles, stomach. I've been cutting for a few months. I love it, and I can't stop. That along with I constantly think about suicide. I'm alone about 80 percent of the time. Left alone with my thoughts. I tried suicide a few times from overdose on pain killers. But yet, I just got really sick, and had to lie and say it was a stomach flu. I know exactly where to slit my wrist to kill myself, and I'm slowly bringing up the courage to do it. I only have a few close friends. I recently lost a few. I left with 3. One of them lives in another state, which isn't much help. So, I know I wont be terribly missed if I were to die, But still. My mother has told me to kill/cut myself more then once, even in public. We were out to eat a month or so ago and she gracefully mentioned that I should cut my wrists open with the knife next to me. Way to go, mom. Thats when my cutting got bad. I've been cutting slower, with the end of my razor, about 3 to 4 mm deep. I've cut to see the yellow fat in my thighs a few times, but it's usually to the purple-ish skin. I defiantly can hear skin snap and break when I cut. Its disgusting. I used to have a friend who also back stabbed be, she told everyone she knew I was a suicidal cutter. And I was constantly texted or messages about it, and they said, some nasty things. I've been seeing my therapist and councilor at school, my therapist wants me on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, But my mom won't let me go to the doctor. But am I depressed? If you want for information on my thoughts, or anything, Please ask away. I just need help. I know I'll get the courage to hurt myself too far one day. I'm tired of being strong, but I'm scared that I can't fix myself and make myself stop. Cutting doesn't even hurt anymore. Honestly, I'm not afraid to die. The only person stopping me is my dad. He'd have no one if I'm gone. Please, can I get some help..?
3 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through!

First of all your mother is obviously having some serious issues of her own and in time she will realize what she is doing to herself and you.

I know the cutting helps you cope.  Have you tried writing down your thoughts?  Write on anything and keep it private, write down what you  have been going through, write down how it makes you feel, write down what you would like to REALLY say to your mom if you could. It sort of gets some things out of your head and on to paper. (or in another place other than your head).
Then, write down your goals.....where would you like to be in 5 years, which may be working at a nice place and save some money. So then right down what you have to do to get that nice job, (which might be getting job experience that is related to the nice job you'd like to have).  Then, write down some places you would like to work and plan when and how you will apply for the job, what you will wear and make a resume.
Your goal may be to go to college, so then write down what you would like to take and what college you'd like to go to.  Then write down what you have to do to achieve that goal which might be choosing the right courses in high school and getting good grades.
What ever your goal is I think having something to look forward to is good for everyone.  
I know you're tired of being strong, you need someone to be strong for you!
Keep talking to your school therapist.
Don't worry too much about girls texting gossip, a lot of girls do that whether or not there is something to talk about, believe me this I know from my own experience!
Try to write, not cut please.  
Take care :)

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Avatar_n_tn
Have you heard of TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS ?

Writing on yourself instead of cutting....

http://www.twloha.com/vision


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1980361_tn?1345257809
Hey Im 15 too and i know how u feel with cutting and suicidal thoughts...trust me I've attempted suicide too and I just ended up with a horrible stomach ache too....please don't end you life it will get better believe me.
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