I would count my blessings, but I just can't...

[mishymoshymarcy]

Before I begin, I want you to know that I am not one of these teens who has had some kind of traumatic thing happen in their life, or has been abused or any of that. So if you don't care anymore about me, that's fine... Don't read on, but I would like some comments though.....
Anyway, I struggle with anxiety and school, and have for about the passed almost two years. I am a perfectionist and sometimes stay up til about 3am doing homework... My anxiety was so bad because of this and also the fact that my grandad had Alzheimer's disease, and it was like torture seeing him suffer so much... but after he passed away my anxiety went down a little.. which was a relief because I was on the edge. Last year I became depressed because I was so anxious at school and at home, and I wanted to kill myself, but never had the courage to.  I self harmed (cut) once and never did again, but now often use the rubber band, or punch myself on the arm (they don't leave permanent marks).
I also have this thing for the teachers at this my school, mostly the ones who have tried to help me with my problem. I love talking to them, but miss them so much when I go home... I have a feeling that may be part of my anxiety.... I always seek attention from them because I feel if I don't, I wont be happy... I just want to make them proud, or want them to be my family...
I have lately been very self-conscious about the way I look at the moment, and it has crossed my mind to starve myself, i love food, but at the same time, i can't even walk without feeling that everyones eyes are glued to the way i walk or the size of my body... I just want to be smaller, i am not that big, but i want to be skinny... BUt i know anorexia will lead to even more problems...
This is the stupid thing though, and i don't know what its about... WHen i am at school i scan peoples wrist for scars, and when i find some, it switched something inside me which makes me think i am jealous and upset. Its as if i want to feel all the pain that they are feeling, or i want those scars to be on my wrists... Maybe i want to take away their pain and give it all to me, or i want to feel like the only one with problems, (that's all i could come up with). I know its selfish, but i can't stop thinking about this... But i keep wishing that something terrible will happen to me (maybe to give me a right to feeling the way i do), like maybe getting raped, or abused, or something traumatic.
I want to kill myself, or maybe just run away from home. BUt i don't want anyone to notice, especially my family... I just want to be invisible, or do drugs and alcohol (don't tell me its bad, i know, we are studying in class, but i still wish i could do it..). I want to stay back a year in school, or just not turn up at school, or drop out... I can't work so hard anymore, i just want to sleep and not wakeup. Sleeping is nice... Its peaceful... Its an escape from reality at time... Help me please. My mid is telling me i am not okay... after this long, i am starting to believe it...

[mishymoshymarcy]

Well i asked for an appointment with a counsellor today.. I literally stood in front of her office, then left like 3 times before i actually knocked on the door. hehehe BUt anyway, we'll see how it goes. :)

[mishymoshymarcy]

Awww thanks so much. It means alot.  I will try it out. :)

[Salinasaurus]

I'm so sorry to hear that... :( I've been through it too, and it *****. There's a forum i use to he.. It's called life revived.  You could try that. Its a group of people who are depressed and just look for friends to talk too that care. Beingin high school is rrough... If you find time try that site or you can talk to me.  

[Deanna11]

Glad I could help and very happy to hear you're looking at getting help :)
As with any disorder, there are different extremes and variations and variations and the internet often describes the most extreme form of them. So yes you probably sit below that extreme somewhere on the spectrum. Keep me updated darlin! Take care :)

[mishymoshymarcy]

Oh and I just looked up those disorders that you mentioned earlier... They sound like they fit me quite right, however, I would never plan on doing anything like faking an illness or passing out or something like that. I mean I wouldn't go to that extent. But the rest of it is quite true. :)
Thank you xx

Marcy

[mishymoshymarcy]

Yes your right. I had a talk to one of my friends (adult) and she told me that the same thing.. Maybe I should go and see a counsellor again, I mean its almost the end of the school year, and if I don't go soon I don't think I will be able to cope with year 10. Once I develop the courage to just go and ask for an appointment, then hopefully I will be okay. Thank you for your help. :) :) It means a lot :)  :)

[Deanna11]

Even if it is fake, a counsellor can help. They should never make you feel stupid for going to see them and if they do then they aren't a good counsellor and you should find a new one! To a good counsellor, no problem is too big or small or stupid for them to help with. Its hard to know how to start, especially if you're nervous or scared to tell them! Might be best though if you start by telling them how you feel when you go home. Or how you feel about yourself and the way you think people look at you. Sometimes once you start you telling them everything comes out. If it would make you feel better. You could always make notes of everything you want to tell them or just write them a letter with everything and talk about that after. Good luck! :)

[mishymoshymarcy]

Awww thank you so much. It means a lot..
I used to see a counsellor, but what if I am making it up in my head, what if its all fake? I don't believe I have a right anymore to go and see a counsellor... I feel like I need to, but I wont know how to start it off, they'll think im stupid...