I have this feeling inside me that I may be living my life full of lies. Lying to other people about the way i am feeling. Or it may be a way of looking for attention. Although, those feelings are there alright, but i am not sure if i have been exaggerating them. Right now what has been getting to me is my anger, which i know has something to do with anxiety for sure. But anyway, as i sadi the feelings are there but what if i have made everything up. I immediately think, when i am having one of those good days, that everything is going to be alright again... pffft! Yeah right! Then a day or two after it's back to the normal life, which bothers the hell out of me and i dont know why. I can't say i have huge gigantic problems because i know i don't. But i feel like i have been bothering eveyrone (and not just on this website), about nothing. I don't know if it has something to do with comparing my problems with everyone elses to allow me to feel a certain way.... or something like that. For example i heard some people say: 'You shouldn't be feelign this way because you see that person over there, She has it 10times worse than you.'
My problems? Well first of all, i expect to much of myself and am struggling with my studies because i want the perfect mark. Although i tell others who are the same way, to get over it and that they are being silly, but i can;t seem to get it completely through my head. I am frightened of being a failure, or of being the stupidest person in class, and part of me knows that i am. Leading to problem number 2, my self-esteem. I feel like i can't do anything anymore, because most of the things i do are almost rejected by my family. Sometimes i think i am ugly and fat. I look at others and say, 'why can't i be as pretty as her?' Why can't i be as smart as her? (or him).
I can't do anything right, seeing my family are always complaining, especially my grandma who has now got parkinsons disease. My grandad has dementia. And my mum has been overweight her whole life, and i just want her to lose the weight. She says she has lost a little bit of weight, but she is too busy for anything else.
I am closed in my little dumpsite most of the day...my room. I can't get out. I mean i do come out when my family calls or to eat, but aprt from that i will find any excuse to go back in there. I don't have a father around. He wants nothing to do with me really, and neither do i. So i look for comfort from eveyrone else apart from my family.
So many people have helped me but i have days where it feels like i am takig that advice and putting into action, and others where it just feels like it doesn't matter. I also see a counsellor, but it is the holidays and she is not around to talk to. I still say to myself now sometimes, what is the point of living? I can't do anything amazing because i am too much of a wimp. I just sometimes wish i could die. I just wish i could scream or cry and let it all out.... but it's stuck in there. I sometimes just wish i had someones shoulder to cry on, if i could cry i mean. And just hug them until i feel better. But that will always be part of my imagaination i guess....
I know this probably makes no sense at all........sorry.
I know my problems see like NOTHING to everyone. I don't know if i can keep doing this... Why can't i just give up?! I dont know why i want to. I just need the courage to do so.....
And i have heard all that about suicide being a permant solution to a temporary problem, and i help others in that case, but when it comes to myself, it doesn't even matter sometimes.
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