It makes me feel awkward.

[Calqoo]

Hi all, I have no problem admitting to myself that I have a problem - but the thought of revealing my 'secrets' to anyone makes me feels physically sick. Im a guy aged 17, and I would say my 'depression' first started when I was 12. I felt anxious around people, like I couldn't compete with these people - I just felt worthless. I started cutting, it started small cuts on my thighs and soon I was cutting my upper and forearm and wrists. I never thought much of it, it just became something I did to feel good - some people played sports or went out with mates - I would cut. By the age of 15 I was still cutting and had suffered from several anxiety attacks. by now my arms were a piece of art of scars and cuts. After 3 years I stupidly forgot to cover up and went downstairs at home. My mum saw and was horrified. She just didn't understand why anyone would do it and assumed I wanted to die. she just didnt understand. I ended up at a walk in mental health unit that I went to once every week for the afternoon to 'talk'. I hated it. We went twice and never again. It was pointless people just did not understand. 2 years on and I feel my life has avalanched into despair. My parents divorced, I moved out of home (only to later move back in with mum). Both my parents are on anti-depressants and things with them have been messy. My mum tried to take her own life by taking an overdose - all these things I just feel have built up and I feel hopeless. I dread the future. I feel through typing behind the safety of my computer screen I can be honest about my feelings - I just cant do this in person. My college have noticed that something is up and I saw the college counsellor. I told him bits and bobs but I felt so sick, I just wanted to get out of there. He was understanding and a genuine nice guy - and he wants me to see my GP. Why do you think this is? The thought just fills me with dread.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense - its the first time ive ever written down how I feel. If anyone could offer me any guidance I would more than appreciate it.

Cheers guys, Callum.

[AngieWay15]

I am literally crying right now. I too suffer from depression and I cut. I wish you the best. Try to get on the road of recovery. If you ever need to talk or are just bored, I'm a good listener.

[helplogan]

Sorry posted before I had chance to add., therapy when given in the correct way by someone you eventually feel able to speak openly with can help not only getting well but can give you a way to live with a mental illness not just exist Don't write it off because it didn't help before .
Please let me know how you're doing,  message me if you want to chat and take care.

[helplogan]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much and you are dealing with it in the best way you can.
Realising that you have a mental illness and you're different, especially as a teenager can be  daunting and hard to come to terms with. The fact you've managed to accept there's a problem is something you should be so proud off.
I know how isolating feeling different Can make you feel so being able to confide in someone is important , it's finding the right person that's maybe the key.
I always  knew there was something wrong, I was different from my friends  they didn't seem to have to try to be happy as I did. I didn't know who to confide in,I didn't get on with my mum and as far as friends knew I was fine. I went to therapy a couple of times but that didn't help me because they never asked the right questions.  
I'm sorry things aren't ideal with your parents , as a parent with a mental illness myself all I can say is maybe when she was suicidal she was too unwell to see past her own pain too see how it would affect you. I have always sought immediate help if I've felt that low,  especially as I have children to consider, some people don't realise how unwell they've become. I'm not making excuses for her actions maybe just something to consider.
My advice would be use whatever resources you have available to get help and support.Your college counsellor sounds very supportive and his advice on seeing a GP is spot on in my opinion, That should be the first place you go so they can assess you and then once you know what you're dealing with the right  treatment  and support can hopefully be arranged

[Althera]

Admitting that something is wrong is a greatly needed step, so well done! :)
Are you trying to stop cutting?  It's not worth it; the scars just prove as a reminder of your darkest times in life.  It feels good earlier, but in the end...
Your mom may have had reason to think you wanted to die--cutting can often lead to death.  Either through depression and then suicide or slicing a vein or major artery by accident or on purpose.
Show your mom that you are there for her.
Don't dread the future--fight through it.  You wouldn't be going through these things if you were unable to overcome them.  :)
What kind of GP are you meaning?
This counselor you are currently talking with sounds like he is someone you can go to :)
If you'd ever like someone to talk to, feel free to message me :)