The past 3/4 years have been the worst year of my life. I had my first serious relationship when I was 13/14 and I have never really got over him. Because of the relationship and the relationship between my dad's partner and myself, I have nothing to do with my dad anymore. While I was in the relationship I got pregnant (I was 14 please don't judge, I know we were silly) and me and my boyfriend tried to sort it but my mum found out and later that week I suffered a miscarriage but I still had to have an abortion and I had the vacuum aspiration type of abortion. Despite this, we got through it and still carried on our relationship for 6 months, in which my mum and grandparents put it behind them and learned to be okay with him. We then split up because he didn't love me anymore which sent me to have a mini breakdown. Since my dad made it clear he did not love me, I should have been used to being let down by the ones I love. His new girlfriend would send me threatening messages and once even waited at the end of my road so I couldn't leave me house.
Now I am 17, and things have not been so good. At the beginning of this year I was the happiest I had been since my last relationship. I had started going out with a boy who I had so much in common with (music, sense of humor) and as soon as we saw each other, it was literally love at first sight. My cousin who I call my sister and my mum took to him warmly and his parents treated me like one of their own as well. Little did I know, he was actually depressed and on valentines day took an overdose. Long story short, we are not together (pretty sure he cheated on me) but I have become very reserved. I lose my temper so much and its usually my mum in the firing line. We kinda have a superficial relationship but I do love her. I have just finished my A-levels but the stress and pressure of everything got to me so much, I found an abscess on my bum which I didn't think anything of until I went to the doctors and it was severely infected. I was in so much pain I would cry everyday but it just didn't occur to get it checked out as my exams seemed more important than myself and my well-being. The doctor took one look at it and sent me straight to A&E and 9pm two weeks ago I was having emergency surgery to cut it out and drain it. The first thing I thought about when I woke up was about school as would of had my last exam two days after and the last thing I was thinking about was my well-being. I now have nurses come everyday to pack the open wound I have and am staying at my grandparents who are smothering me to death. I literally feel my blood boil everyday as my nan doesn't leave me alone. I can't even move my foot without her asking me if I'm okay. I know I should rest but she wont let me out. I have been prescribed with tramadol for the pain of packing the wound and she controls how many I take. I had an reaction from them but I still feel I need them. When I don't have them I get sweaty and irritated and feel like I'm on edge. Being in this house 24/7 is literally driving me insane and recently I have been talking to my ex boyfriend again (the one from 3/4) it's just a comfort thing and feelings come back.
I just feel so anxious and hopeless and my anger is what I am most worried about. It doesn't take me long before I lash out at someone and there has only been one occcasion where it has been violent (with my mum, I didn't touch her but I smacked some papers she had in her hand) and that is what scared me the most. I just can't control it.
Sorry for this being so long, everything has to be said to understand it!
Realtionships can be challenging, especially when the honeymoon period fades away. At your age friends and family are an important foundation so that you feel safe, loved and supported. All families are somewhat messed up. We tend to think that it is only our family that is disfunctional, which I promise you is not the case.
As for you grandparents not giving you any room to breath, well that is also normal. Your grandmother probably senses that you are stressed and upset and instead of giving you some space she is going the other direction. I am sure that it is annoying but her intentions are in the right place.
17 years old is not a child, but it is still very young. I am 34 years old and I am still trying to figure this thing called life out. Life is very hard at times, and this go wrong daily. However at 17 years old you shouldn't use words like hopeless. I knoe the stress and anxiety can make you feel hopeless, but you have your whole life a head of you.
About half of marriages end in divorce, so just that should tell ya that relationships are difficult. Stress from everyday life can really test a relationship. Humans are social beings and solitude tends to drive us crazy. So it is normal to want to find the right person to be with.
I think that you have alot laying on your shoulder like the pressures of performing well at school. Plus having a pain on the butt can make everything else a pain in the butt to do.
Communication is key. The more you communicate how you feel the better you will feel. Don't hold onto all that hurt and anger because it will end up coming out by you blowing up towards someone. Like you said, " usually your mother". Have you ever though about talking to a psychologist......not a psychiatrist...just a pyschologist. Soon the pressure you feel at school will become the pressure you feel at work. The relationships that fail now are painful, but imagine with a child. So in the end thinking about all these things and coming up with beneficial ways of dealing with life many struggles has to start now. A psychologist can help you with that.
It is OK to make mistakes and others will screw up and let you down often. Life is a learning process. You will continually be confused and challeged. Make peace with those who have harmed you like your father. Let those around you know how you are feeling. You will be surprised at what may happen. If a fight starts it is not time to talk, because your emotions are clouding your judgment. However when things are calm, sitting down and talking about you worries is very important. Open up a clear line of communication.
I hope that one day you can make peace with your father. Maybe even write him a letter ltting him know how his actions have made you feel. Just remember that people the minute a person feel attacked verbally all comunication shuts down. So talk about how that person makes you FEEL, and not just a letter telling him it is all his fault ect ect
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