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Not afraid of death?
Some people think the worst thing in life, is to die. I think the worst thing about death is that you have to live to get there. Idk I'm not really suicidal and I don't really have any specific reason to die. I'm not particularly happy in life but idk I don't think I'm suicidal. All my life I've been waiting to die, eery car trip I take I always kinda hope we'll crash and then it'll finally end or something. I was talking to my boyfriend about how I felt about life and death and we talked about my dreams which pretty much all revolve around me dieing, and those are always my favourite dreams. I remember a dream I had once where I got suffocated by a pillow, and that moment where I got auffocted idk it made me really happy, like happier than pretty much anything really. But in my dreams they always either lead up to me dieing, or I die then the rest of my dream revolves around what happens after. I guess it's like once I die I still have 3 lives or something? Idk but I like those dreams. I have 'nightmares' where everyone else gets to die, but nomatter what I do I can't die and idk I really hate those dreams :/

Like doesn't seem fulfilling, my boyfriend is the best thing in my life and the only reason I think that I've stayed. I guess I'm just worried I'll hurt him if I leave. And idk it's pretty stupid but I'm worried I'll get in trouble from my mum if I go.

Idk I'm not worried about death, I'm not scared, I'm waiting. I've thought about my life and my future and I've always had this idea that I don't want to live past 40, idk it's like what's the point?

Idk I'm not worried I'm suicidal or something cause yeah obviously i really couldn't care if I was. But idk I'm just writting this I spose to see what other people think? Sometimes I've wished I could feel how others do and see the 'point' or 'reason' to life. my boyfriend says I'm the reason he wants to live, I've tried but I just can't feel that emotion though :/ I love him more than anything and he means the world to me, but idk I just always seem to be waiting for death and hoping it will come soon.

So yeah any thoughts anyone has on maybe why I feel this way would be very much appreciated. Thanks
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1937063 tn?1324243189
yes you are suicidal.  i was like this a little under a year ago.  even though you wouldn't actually attempt suicide, you are still suicidal if you think about it that often.  
i think you're really depressed.  chin up.  things will get better i promise you.  you just have to hang in there and live life freely without regrets.
you're at a low point in your life right now but once you get better you will have many things to live for.
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