I am 15 years old, just began my sophomore year of high school.
As long as I can remember, I have had problems sleeping. When I was younger I would repeatedly walk around my house and lock all of the windows and doors, I would lock my bedroom door and my bathroom door and shove blankets under my curtains to prevent strangers from peering into my bedroom. I would have my parents sit outside of my room until I fell asleep. This was all when I was 5-10 years old. I would also hallucinate and see floating orbs of energy and ghostly figures around my house. Those have stopped, but I still stay up at night shaking and crying from the noises I hear around the house, I still methodically lock the windows and doors. I cant sleep in the dark. When I was in middle school I was bullied severely and my parents didn't believe me, I was alone. I became extremely depressed, I cut and attempted suicide a countless number of times. Whenever I told my parents about my feelings they would yell at me, call me a freak. So, I stopped telling them things. In 8th grade I stopped cutting because I had gotten arrested and when I showed my mom the 60+ cuts on my hips, she told me I was a disgrace. I have self-diagnosed myself with depression and I have been living with it for 4 years. The paranoia has not stopped, when I am awake, I am terrified. I shake and sweat and cry. When I am asleep, I have horrible nightmares. At this very moment I hear creaking noises and I am panicking. This is every night. I have begun drinking to help myself fall asleep at night. I cant tell my parents this, if I do they will realize that I am not their perfect child. They will ridicule me and degrade me. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I want to know. I need to know what the cause of this 15 year phobia is. Anything will help. Please. Thank you.
First, your parents sound insensitive to not listen to you bringing up your feelings and telling you you are a disgrace for having cut. You aren't. We are all human and make mistakes. Cutting is an outward sign of an inner pain in my personal experience. They're the disgrace not to consider the fact you need some help and counseling to deal with what you are going through. Most of all, you need their support and validation.
There are several things which could lead to the sort of paranoia you are having, primarily caused by brain chemical imbalance. Is there anyone you can talk to? A school counselor or something? Can you make a doctor's appointment? I know here in California anyone over 12 can make an appointment without their parents' knowledge.
This sounds very serious.
I'd say you should get a more professional opinion on this. Drinking and cutting are not solutions, and are dangerous "solutions"
If your parents are uncaring about your situation, I would go into a hospital in the Emergency room area and explain what is going on. They have to help you in any way they can. If they ask about your parents, tell them the truth. You need to be as truthful as you can when it comes to seeing doctors, or they can't help you like you want them to.
That's my more professional idea. Now onto other subjects that I took note of.
I'll tell you now, I am severely connected to the paranormal, so what you described as "hallucinations" don't really sounds so fake. As a child, I could see spirits and ghost lights, but that disappeared as I got older. This is because children are easier connected with the spiritual realm so a lot of times these things you see are not your mind playing tricks on you, but just spirits trying to connect with you as a child. You say they've gone away. It's simply because you have gotten older and have less of a connection with them.
Of course this does not mean they left your house.
The spirits in your house can also lead to the paranoia and obsessive behavior you have been showing because you mentally aware they are present, but you cannot see them so your mind thinks it a danger. This puts you on high alert and so makes you paranoid and afraid to be alone. And it's not just that. If you are having nightmares about this and so such, then one of the spirits may not be so friendly and could be affecting you in your sleep. Don't panic about this. Just remember, they can't seriously harm you so you don't have to be scared.
i suggest if these nightmares are still persisting or getting worse that you may want to speak with a priest. Tell him about the nightmares and the images you saw as a child. Ask him to perform a blessing on you to protect you from the spirits if they wish to cause you harm.
Also, take some holy water home and perform a small blessing on your room or any of the places in your house that you feel safest. It's easy to look up how to do a simple blessing on an area of space. I did it with my room when I was having a similar issue with unsettles spirits that were attracted to me and since then I've had better dreams and I've felt much safer in my area of home. All I did was trace a cross shape over the door and window of my room and asked God to cleanse my space of any negative energy and to keep me safe while I am in my room. It's very simple.
After that it's all mind over matter. You have to believe these things will help or they more than likely will not. It's an act of faith.
Sorry for my ramblings. I really have only heard of cases like yours every so often. It's rare. If you don't really believe in the supernatural or follow the church then I'm sorry for the useless information that you may not take into account. But I do strongly suggest going to a doctor and explaining the behavior. They will help if nothing else will.
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