PLease help me, I have depression and I dont knwo what to do.

[lozzbra374]

I am 15 and I am sorry for this long story of my life. Just warning you now...

When I was 1 and a half my parents split up and I was living with my mother. I was seeing my dad every second weekend, and sometimes during the week.
I spent most of my time at my nan and pops. My nan is my idol and I cherrish her with my life. My pop was a very sick man and was in a wheelchair due to a stroke. So he could not do anything for himself and he could not talk either. As I grew up he got sicker and sicker, besides becomeing my bestfriend and my life. When I was 5 he was in hospital because the pain was to much. A few months after the doctor gave him the wrong medication and killed him. I have been like this ever since. I still have to cry myself to sleep because I can't take the thought of my bestfriend leaving. Me and my nan have been even closer ever since and then as I grew up not seeing my father all the time killed me also as we were so much alike and so close. Me and my mum started fighting to the point I tried more then once to kill myself because she was close to killing me. We had to get family counseling but that didnt help at all, in fact I think it made it worse at times. At about 13 I was going out with my first ever " boyfriend " and I thought he was my world, but after a year we fought way to much and it just brought back way to many memories of my mum and dad fighting in front of me. I couldnt take it. So I broke up with him after 1 year and 6 months. After about 3 more months I thought I found the most incredible guy, who actually liked me for me. Turns out he just plays girls and I was just another one. He cheated on my at a party and so I broke up with him and now we fight and scream everytime I see him. My first boyfriend was still obbessed with me but when I told him to go away because I didnt love him anymore he now tries to get back at me by threatening me with stuff he knows about me. And he is slowly killing my life. He broke me and my best guy friend/ boyfriend up and now he hates me, over something the other guy made up. I am slowly loosing all of my friends and I want to die. I have depression thanks to everyone calling me name because of what he made up about me. And that thought of my pop leaving. I live with my dad and step mum now because of me and my mum fought way to much. I now have an amazing boyfriend but I now have sleeping anxiety and I shake in my sleep. I don't know what to do because I dont want tot go to someone about either of my problems and I havent even told my boyfriend because I feel that he will think im weir and different.. Help me..  
WHAT SHOULD I DO !?!?!?!?!?!

[lozzbra374]

Thanks alot :)

[ku111]

I think a councelor like everyone else takes a while to earn trust.  I don't think it can be fixed quickly but over time.  I don't think anyone likes  to tell anyone their deepest secrets but I like that they can't tell (the HIPPA thing).  I hope you can find someone to connect with so that you can do all the wonderful things in life you are meant to do.  Wishing you a great day!  One day at a time, one step at a time, K?  ((hugs))

[lozzbra374]

Thank both of you.
Yes that is me, but I still see myself as fat and ugly and not what any guy would want.
I want to talk to someone, but I think if I see a counselor and talk to them, they know what I look like and if they see me somewhere in their minds they know all about me, and if i talk to somone over the phone they can hear me crying and upset. I know this sounds rediculous but thats what I feel.
Thanks to everyone x

[Nate666]

I read your story and it made me cry, you've been through so much and it's still happening. I know alot of people say "Aw, it's alright, you'll get through it," but it isn't necessarily true unless you want it to be and are prepared to make it happen. Depression is extremely hard to deal with, but if you try your absolute best to stay positive, you'll be positive about things eventually. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.
Nathan

[ku111]

Is that your picture?  If it is then the person I see is beautiful!  Everyone is different.  Thank gosh for that!  I am so glad there are many different people in this world because if everyone looked and acted the same it would be such a boring place to be and we wouldn't have all the talent and ideas that make this world a great place.  You are going to have to find a way to love yourself.  If that means looking in the mirror every single day and saying all the GOOD things about yourself then do it.  I think you need to talk to someone that you can trust and that can help you.  Your parents seem to worry but are confused on what to do or how to help.  Sometimes it is nice to have someone (like a counselor. etc...) to listen and guide you that doesn't know you at all and can't tell anyone what you talk about.  Would your parents be ok with this?

[lozzbra374]

I definatly am not beautiful. But thank you. I know he would never want to see me upset and thats why I hate myself more then anything. Because everytime im upset or sad I cry and I don't like crying because my parents and family get upset and I dont like seeing them upset expessially over me. But if I tell them not to worry because I don't want them to have the stress of me aswel they get angry because I dont tell them whats wrong so they cant help me. I dont know what to do.. I feel like I can't do anthing right. I am a failure

[ku111]

You are a beautiful girl!  Your grandfather would never want to see you sad.  He would want to see all the wonderful things you are going to do in your life.  Your grandma too!  You probably mean the world to her and she wants you to have the best life ever!  A boyfriend will never, ever make you who you are.  The only thing you can rely on is YOU.  You need to take all your talent and be who you want to be.  It doesn't matter if you are good enough to others only matters if you are good enough to YOU!  This is your time to shine and make the world a wonderful place.  Be proud of yourself and this is all that matters!

[lozzbra374]

I don't feel like I am good enough.. for anyone.

[fix934]

I understand you.First thing you need to know is that none of the things that happend are your fault.Sometimes bad things happen you need to turn to something that makes you happy.Do not give up.I have depression too and it is hard but you just have to keep telling yourself that things will get beter thay have too after all the things you gone through.Best of luck.