Hello, my name is Cynthia. I am 17. I am clinically depressed, and suffer from up to 4 panic attacks daily. I hate myself, and everything around me.
I have a list of medicines I am on: Xanax, Citalopram, Lamactil, Ambien, the list goes on. The list for my diagnoses is just as bad: PTSD, Agoraphobia, Anxiety Disorder, Clinical Depression, insomnia,etc.
You see, when I was young I was molested by my older cousin. He terrified me, to the point that I have been afraid of men. My first boyfriend, ever, wanted sex. I politely declined, but then he pushed me down and made it clear I didnt have a choice. I was horrified. I was raped. After the raping, he beat me for months. I finally ended it and moved onward. Then my parents went through a nasty divorce, my dad scared me several times.
All in all, over the years I have been through a lot. I am horrified of guys, sex, even my own body. I have been cutting for years, burning myself, even tried to OD twice.
I seriously just want to end it all.
There is no happiness pill for life. But there is one very important truth, and if you carry that with you, like a baby, all the way, you will be fine. No matter what you have been through.
The truth is: all people have histories, problems, and therefore agendas: everybody wants something out of you. Not because they're evil, but because they're trying to fill some hole in themselves. When your boyfriend at the time raped you (and I am not excusing his behavior, just explaining why it's not your fault), it was because he needed something from you. He wanted to be loved in some way, and the only way he knew was to take it without asking. It's sad, but true. You are a beautiful, unique woman, and you must always remember that. But you must also protect yourself by trying to be strong, by making yourself stronger every day by feeding your self-confidence with good thoughts and actions. Try to use your brain in constructive ways: think about the people that harm you, and why they may do so, and you will be able to forgive them. Once you have forgiven them, you will see how you are stronger, and you will no longer want to hurt yourself. With all of what you have been through you have gained a lot of wisdom. Use it to help others like you. There are so many of us that are in pain and don't know how to deal with it, get over it, or continue living. But we must remember life is a gift, and it must be lived all the way, in the best possible way. Our duty is to be strong, be ourselves, and do what we feel we have to do. Your eating disorder is a way of reacting to the fact that you are not happy with yourself. Again, this is because you feel abused. You have been wronged, yes. Every morning when you wake up remind yourself that the reason you have gone through all these things is not because you are bad, or because you deserve it, but because other people are in just as much pain as you, and unfortunately take it out on you sometimes. Try to see their pain, and yours will seem less consuming. Try to love yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror, and see how that is you. Realize that if you take care of yourself: eat healthy, not too much, not too little, only eat when you are hungry, and have a balanced diet in every meal, eat whole grain bread, not white... keep away from soft drinks, sweets, fried foods and only eat nuts and fruit as snacks - you know what to do, darling. Be strong. We need you, the earth needs you to spread the message: love, don't hate. Give, don't fear. And when you are loving yourself, you will be strong, and no man will ever try to rape you, because he will see that you love yourself, and you will also be attracted to "healthy" men and friends. Take care, love.
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