So just when I thought I was out of depression for good, this weekend happened... It's the first time I've been this depressed for ages... It started with a massive argument with my girlfriend, our first one for a while, of this scale. She told me I'd changed, and she didn't love me, and the insults came out... She means a hell of a lot to me, I've been with her 11 months, 3 weeks and 1 day now, and I have no intention of ever stopping counting. So for a few hours yesterday I was just sat there shaking and crying... It was horrible, the first time I've had suicidal thoughts and self harming thoughts in ages, I felt abysmal, my self esteem was at a new low... I felt guilty, responsible for everything, just a terrible person... But it's true, I am, I'm just... I can't even explain it, knowing what I am overwhelms me, it breaks me... And coming from the person I love most amongst everyone, it was a wake up call... I'd post the whole reason I'm depressed but it'd take me forever (it took me 40 minutes to type it all to my girlfriend the other day), so I'll shorten it. My main problem is I can't open up. At all. My trust in anyone, and self esteem, are so low I just find it impossible, my feelings are insignificant... I doubt anyone will actually read this and bother to try and help, I'm literally beyond helpless... I can't even open up to my girlfriend or my counsellor... My parents? Ha. I haven't opened up to either properly since I was about 10. They're split up, finally. It started two years ago, and it was so messy, and still is. I spent half a year comforting my mum from crying, every single day. The police were involved 7 times. I'm on social services records now, and I've been in counselling for about 2 years as well. I've been to CAMHS (Children Adolescence Mental Health Service), I've self harmed before... It's ruined me... It really has... Two years of my life they wasted and ruined... I've been forced to move house twice in a year... I've lost friends, dropped grades in school... That's the worst thing now, school. That's why I feel so terrible right now. It's 12:20 at night, and I have homework to do for tomorrow, which I haven't even started... It's so difficult... I'm staying up past midnight every single night, to do homework, so I don't fail my GCSE's, but my girlfriend's complaining that I'm too moody and grumpy... Which I am... But anyway! My point of all of this is; I NEED help. I need to be able to open up to people, I need a way to be happy, I need a way to be able to survive school... Please someone help me?
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