I'm showkay, and im 18. Right.. I know this is kinda long story, I tend to include too much detail... All through school I had been bulied for being short (I am now 5'9), fat (I was a size 8) and ugly. At one point I stopped eating for a week because food just made me feel sick. Girls just hated me where eve I went and I found it really hard to make friends. Infact through school would just go sit in the library at brakes/lunch on my own to get away from them. When I was younger I used to be pretty confident, have watched videos my parents recorded and I was suprised ho confident I was. Anyway it got to the point where I didnt want to meet new people because I was scared they would hurt me too, I'd feel sick being in a room of people. Some of my family members have killed themselves and people at school would make fun of it, anythin they coul use to hurt me they would, I was never physically hurt - I nearly was a few times but my sister came to the rescue and got crowds of people to back off (shes scary, not scared of anybody). I was always really smart, top classes etc and I dropped back in year 10 so I had to try really had to get back up.
Anyway last year I left school, went to college and I did make one friend but she left so yes, didnt enjoy the course at all, I just felt like I was stuck in somthing I couldnt get out of, in presentations I faced the wall bacause I couldnt face the whole class and still made me feel ill. Then I was spotted and asked to start modelling and so I did, that has helped my confidence loads. Because I look at my photos, and I'm like wow! I have bendoing modelling and catwalks etc, but still don feel great about myself.
Earlier this year my nan died of cancer in front of me, it wasn't nice at all and I have been finding it super hard to deel with. try to talk to my dad and he will say something like 'stop being silly' and I can't talk to my mum because it's her mum that died,and thats more important than a nan and my ister says don be spitefull and make upset her too. I kind of talk to my friends about it, but I can't talk to much or I will cry and I dont think they realise how serious I am. I have startd a college course this year that am enjoying, it does take my mind of things I guess, and it's kind of weird because only like one person in the class doesn't like me. I get along with everybody! And I have friends on other courses. Its been pretty good. But recently I feel like I am having to put up a front, it's like I'm going back a step again? When I get home, I won't eat anything at lunch if my parents arnt there, sometimes eating just makes me feel sick, but i never really feel hungry anyway.I have now gone down to a size 4-6, but I still feel fat. I cant get rid of what was said whn I was bullied and it still hurts to this day. I am not thinking, I want to loose more weight, but I dont want to gain weight, Id rather tone I havnt been sleeping well at all, I am tired most of the day and just feel weird, but when it comes to bed time, i just cant sleep! and if i do fall to sleep, I wake up and fall to sleep and wake up and so on. when I get home from college I eat my dinner then go sit in my room and I cant help but cry. My parents have noticed me acting differently, and my mum gets mardy with me, shes finding it hard to cope with my nan dying too, shes been drinking a bit more than usuall, and then she says nasty things. Me and my mum are usually like best friends and I loved being with her but recently I jus dont get along with her most of the time. If she drinks and sas mea thins thn I fall out with her, then that drags on and when we do make up, it will happen again. I have tried to be grown up about it, I sat down and I said to her, its getting to much now and I think it needs to stop. Maybe drink somthing else? But she says its something that makes her happy and feel better. I do understand that, but its not real happy, its alcohol happy, and the alcohol only causes problems and upsets people. I have just told one of my friends about this,an I feel a bit bad because its like bing two face and going behind their back, and now writing on here, well i feel bad about that too, but i need to talk to somebody that will actually talk back and not just listen. My dad now tries to talk to me. He will say whats wrong, and I'm just like - I'm fed up of everything and i miss nan. He will say fed up of what? - But the thing is, i cant describe how i feel, wht im fed u of, i just feel like poo.
I thought I was getting better this year, I went to my first party a few weeks ago, and everybod was talking to me. but in the first hour I would not dance, I had loads of people trying to get me to dance But I didnt want to, boys buying me drinks - and I dont drink, it tastes nasty... but i tried some vodka.. then i was up! dancing andwas having fun and didnt want to go home, aha one bit of vodka and i felt okay and more confident. Iv not had a bf before and to be honest I never thought i was worth it. But this year its all diferent, but I am too scared to let anybody close enough to hurt me. Theres one (X) who seems really nice, he was at the party and he wentout of his way to talk to me and get me to dance and his friend told me that 'X' likes me. And like him, but I just get scared when people try to get to close. I think he may think that I dont like him.. but I do. I can talk to boys, well like I talk to them about motor bikes, sports, fouling, just anything like that.
I have been to councellors before when my uncle died, and to be honest they made me feel small. I tell them everything and theyre like - uhumm, and how do you feel about that? I dont no what I want, but they made me feel stupid. I dont no what to do about anything really.. I want to be more confident, so I can fit in and be more cofortable fitting in. And I dont no what to do to help me get over my nan :/
I don't want to just start handing out diagnosis's but it sounds like you might be suffering from a social anxiety disorder. I suffer from anxiety and sometime you just don't want to do anything or talk to anyone and its hard to open up. It horrible what those girls did to you and I know that therapy hasn't worked for you before but you might have a different experience with a different person. I'm glad you've gotten some confidence and made friends is sounds like that's what you really needed. It's really hard to open up to people after having an experience like that. You're really brave. Having someone you love die is a set back in anyone's life and it hurts no matter what but it does get better with time. You shouldn't feel bad about talking to people about your family talking is healthy and if it makes you feel better its what you should do. Think about talking to someone about your past and your nan passing away. Good luck. I hope that things start to get better for you again.
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