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3498755 tn?1374717730

dont have a question just need to vent

so , i have been on here before and it helped a lot writing everything down ive tried calling the suicidal hotlines but its just so hard to sit there and try to cry and talk about everything thats upsetting you to a totally stranger who you know feels bad but only can tell you everythings gonna be alright which im starting to lose hope on .. !! i honestly dont even know where to begin before i do you guys will have to know some things first .im 15 i live with both parents.. now an important person to know is Billy who is a boyfriend that i dated for 10months after that i was on and off with him for awhile and were back together we are very close i let myself be vulnerable to him and ive let him touch me in ways id never let anyone touch me meaning yes we have had intercourse something to know about my past is that i used to cut from 5 till the end of 8th still a little on and off here and there . im about to be in tenth its about 2 months away !! now here my story .. 2012 was a pretty great year i had a wonderful boyfriend who was with me all the time doing everything with me , 2 great bestfriends who were my sisters , my amazing dad who worked 6days a week sometimes 7 .. but i had a horrible mother one who would hit me when she got mad at her boyfriend on the side or when she didnt have pills to make her happy . having 4 people by my side to help me through that was everything to me i couldnt stand on my own two feet . in  the beginning 2013 my mom started to come around meaning she stop hitting me and taking her anger out on me but i still till this day cant forgive her .. my sister had told me she was thinking about moving far to north carolina i live in ohio .. this crushed me i couldnt even deal with knowing i was about to lose my sister the one i ran to for everything because i knew when she moved down there things wouldnt be the same and they really arent . after that happen me and my boyfriend broke up two days before are ten months and i was so attached to him i cried for days i didnt even wanna get outta bed i withdrawled from everything it was crazy .. a couple weeks after that i found out that my daddy had cancer . a tumor in his brain and he had stage 4 in his chest . guys are you listen .. are you still there ..? the day we found out about my dad having cancer he asked me to be strong for him to let him cry on my shoulder . and thats what i did .. i think that i took it wrong because every since then i stopped letting people see how i felt i became this girl who was so strong onthe outside but truth is im soo weak on the inside that im suprised that i can even fake that smile ... me and billy have been on and off but i feel like things will never be the same because he cant get over what happen with us he says its his fault that he can never make it up but i really love him all the past erases when hes holding me tight when he has his lips pressed against mine the whole world fades away and its just US standing there ... me and my sister barley talk but i try to talk to her every once and a while .. my dad had surgery and is doing ok but i fear that hes become like me hiding his emotions away from us to look like hes stronger now and not the guy who cried for hours when he first found out  .. me and my mom were ok i guess i still try to avoid her at all cost .. my other sister and i are trying to get close but honestly she has so many problems of her own i feel bad to put all mine on her to .. and finally ME ... ive become that girl who cries herself at sleeps but shes smiling in the morning acting like her life isnt crashing down around her .. ive wanted to just end my life but i care about these people way to much to hurt them in such a way ... people have asked me why do i cut some say its a ***** move if you wanna die then kill yourself but honestly i do it because i become so numb where i cant even cry out the tears have all fallen down my cheeks my mind erases everything and i just lie there until i feel myself moving to find the blade and as it touches my skin i feel no pain when i do thats when i stop . and i dont even try to hide them my parents never notice just some friend and even then i have the perfect lies if they dont believe me i let them think what they want these are my battle scars im staying alive for the who has my heart , my daddy , my sisters , and the women who gave birth to me and thats it the others i could give a **** about there opinion of what i do with my life doesn bother me  and never will but if your one of those five you best believe ever word you say to me good or bad i replay over and over like a cd skipping ... but anyway i really dont know what else to write this helped me a lot with the pain i was feeling now better then cutting ..  
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Avatar universal
You are literally the strongest person I have ever heard of in my life
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Avatar universal
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