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what should i do?

Ok so i couldn't really pinpoint this on one thing cause it involves lots of things. Ok so i am  fifteen year old girl. in tenth grade but ever since i was younger i have hated myself in many aspects. i grew up in an abusive home but i had 2 older sisters and like 2 younger but i was always the one geting blamed for everything. 3 years ago i went to the police about being abuse mentally and physically and ever since then it seems like everyone hates me even more. lasy july after my birthday i moved into my grandmas house so i am finally out of my house but i miss my siblings dearly now i have 4 sisters and a brother. but last year when i was fourteen(october fourth, 2006) i was raped under a bridge (my mom had told me earlier i was the reason she had a miscarrige) so i just needed to be alone so i ran away from my house for awhile. I had cut my wrists with a peice of metal i found under the bridge then two guys came up to me and asked if i wanted a beer. i said no.. then they started walking at me and i was trying to move and get up but i jut couldnt. then when i got back home finally aftre being gone about 8 hours..it was about 11 pm. life just always seems to take the wrong path. last may i also got into pot and drinking. i have since quit. the ways i have always (since 6th grade) to realive stress were cutting my self then around aprilish last year i took up smoking it helped with the cutting thing..until like a month ago i got a bf who said i will dump u if u continue to smke. i still do but i just dont tell him about it. but i gave myself an eraser burn. My uncle died in august in the war. and since then my parents and grandparents have been harder on me telling me i have to make the first step. i was talking to my gpa one day and he was like what are u going to change i said i will not smoke or do anything that can hurt me in the long run nd he told me ive made the first step. now i have to make the second step. i have no idea what that is though. how can i talk to somebody like a therapist about all off this stuff.. in my life i trust like nobody. except like complete strangers i know i will never ever meet and if i do they will not know its me hiding behind this faulty screen name.
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Avatar universal
I bet you will remember me for this tip. Just log on to www.rujutapsychotherapy.com & discuss your problem confidentially with this elderly lady psychotherapist. She has a seperate panel for teenagers. Pl come back & share your experience.
Helpful - 0
294112 tn?1195343121
I agree with becks.... one thing that I have done that has helped my when I needed to talk was to find an anonymous crisis line. There are teen ones. They may ask for your name but you don't have to tell them and they don't trace your call. Those people we always there to talk to because like you I didn't have anyone that I felt I could trust just to listen and put me first. I understand how you feel about what your mother said. It is like a betrayal. My mom too said that she hated my and she even tried to strangle me once. I am also a survivor of rape and it took me along time to realize that it wasn't my fault. I thought that if I put myself there than I was asking for it. That is not true!!! Rape is no ones fault.
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Avatar universal
Awe honey - you have been through way too much for a girl your age.  As a fellow female (I'm 24) let me just tell you a few things.  You have suffered traumatic experiences no one should have been through what you have.  The abuse and rape was not right and not your fault.  Please believe that.  You are a young beautiful woman and you deserve to be happy in your life and not feel scared.  

The reason behind the drinking and drugs, you are self medicating to deal with the pain.  I'm glad you have recognized it as a problem and given it up.  You replaced that with cutting and smoking.  You need to find a counsellor or a therapist.  You think how could I possibly tell them these things. I know, but trust me that they have heard worse stories and they can help you.  They can be there for you and they can give you the support and security that no one else in your life is giving.  They can help you to stop all the self destructive behaviour - the reasons behind it are the abuse and neglect you suffered from.  Listen to me, you are worth it.  

I agree that smoking is a nasty habit, but if you are going to quit it has to be FOR YOU not a boy.  You will have plenty of time in life to find love, but first you have to learn to love yourself.  It's an old saying but believe me it is VERY true.  Please please find a counsellor - you will be amazed at how much it will help and how much better you will feel by letting it all out.  You should not go through all this alone and don't have too.  I know you are scared but please reach out - you are not alone, many many other girls have been through a rape, a bad family upbringing and a lot of the other emotions you are being forced to deal with, and there is support and help out there.

Know that the reasons behind your family treating you poorly are not because of you, it's them and their own issues and they should NEVER EVER take it out on you - they are wrong.  A counsellor is neutral and will not judge you they will help you.  Please go find someone.  You will not regret it.  You can get through this.
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