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15 years old, been this way for as long as I can remember... Please hel...
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15 years old, been this way for as long as I can remember... Please help

I'm not sure where to begin...

I'm 15 years old and female. And I've had 'species dysphoria' for as long as I can remember. I've always felt very close to dogs and internally I've always felt like a wolf. I've always related myself to them. It's not a game. It's 100% real. Sometimes I cry that I can not be with wolves. I've never shown interest in fashion or anything remotely girly. I prefer things like fishing, archery and video games. I sometimes feel the need to chase something that's running. Much like a dog/wolf would feel when they see prey running. My nails grow very long within a week and people even call them 'claws'. I almost never feel the cold. I am also quite social and love fooling about with friends but I also need my time to be alone.  And I love howling and the night makes me feel alive and when I'm out at night and see no one around I feel like just running away and turning into my real self. Yet I don't want to because I love my family and friends. A few of them know about this. But I don't like talking about it with my mum or sister because they threatened to take me to a psychologist. My friends and other sister understand and support me. I also feel a little sad at times. My beloved cat was put down in January and I was howling the house down in pure grief for 3 days. I had never felt such horrendous pain and sadness. All my grandparents are dead. And I loved them so much but felt I was to young to know them properly. 1 of them died before I met. Also my dead uncle was really horrible and did awful things to my sisters and my auntie knew about this but did nothing. And I feel so confused. I hate them. But at the same time I don't want to hate my family.

Back on the wolf subject, I also occasionally see wolves. And in my dreams I know a pack who comes to greet me now and then. They have not been named. But I know the alpha female is a black wolf and the alpha male is a grey wolf.

A lot of the time my mood changes. I feel quite unhappy internally but don't show it. And this frustrates me because no one can see I'm not going through good times even though people think I've got it easy.

Please just give me some advice or support. Don't try to convince me I'm not a wolf otherwise because it's impossible and I've heard it too many times before.
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12 Comments Post a Comment
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1790633_tn?1328148600
have you went to the doctor yet to see if everthing is ok
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No I'm too scared. I'm scared I'll be misdiagnosed or they'll try to change me.
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Avatar_n_tn
Please is there anyone there? :( I don't want so seem pushy but I really need some advice.
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Avatar_f_tn
I do agree with diamondflow58, that it would be best to see your doctor to make sure that everything is ok. I know sometimes it can be scary to see your doctor, but you do need to do what is in the best interest of your health.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
Ah...have you read Robert Jordan's "Wheel of Time" series by any chance? just sounds like something you might relate to..

Anyway, I do agree with the others. While 'species dysphoria' doesn't mean that anything is WRONG with you...it will make life very difficult. Realistically, you know you are a girl...and you have things to do as a human that you simply must do to survive. So perhaps speaking with your doctor will help you come to terms with the fact that while you may always feel this way, in reality you are the way you are and wishing for something to change with all your heart just can't give you 4 paws and a tail.

I don't think anyone would want to "change" you...but perhaps they will be able to teach you how to cope and come to terms and understand things as they are. They may never chase away the feeling of being a wolf inside, but they may help make it easier to deal with the frustration and the unhappiness that comes along with being one thing on the outside, and another on the inside..does that make sense?

don't be afraid of being honest with your doctor..he/she is there to help you.

best of luck, it must be difficult.
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't think you fully understand... I know I appear to be a human on the outside. But that's not who I am. I'm internally a wolf. I don't *want* to be one. I am one. I couldn't convince myself I was a human if I tried.

But yeah the doctor thing does make sense. I do need to talk to a professional. It's not so much as being nervous around the doctor, it's me being nervous about telling my mum. She won't stop asking why and I'll likely be criticised. And the whole family would get involved and that would make me feel worse.

And no I haven't heard of the series. Why would I relate to it?

Thank you for the advice. x
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1790633_tn?1328148600
o then u should check your ancestry to see if any boday in your blood line may have had the same problem which can help you figure out whats wrong with your body hope this helps and sorry for late reply
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1035252_tn?1371343440
There's a character in the series who *is* a wolf internally, and he speaks with wolves in his dreams....but he doesn't want to be. Just thought it might be something you would find interesting.

I understand why you're afraid, and you're completely justified in being afraid.

But the truth is...are you going to try to find a way to live with this, or are you going to continue to be miserable and lonely because no one can understand you?

Would your mom make an appointment for you if you told her you wanted to talk to the doctor about something, but you didn't want to talk about it with her until you had spoken to the doctor? you could reassure her that it had nothing to do with pregnancy or sex or anything, but you've just got something that you're embarrassed about (not that you are) and you want to speak with the doctor before you open up to her about it.

I don't know your mom, so I don't know if that approach is possible...but maybe?
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Avatar_n_tn
Diamond: I strongly doubt there was anyone in my bloodline with the same problem. Or at least as severe. But my aunt is going to bring round a book of our family tree that dates back centuries ago. Which is on my dad's side.

Ashelen: sounds like an interesting book. I'll have to read it sometime. Anyway, I've tried explaining to my mum that this is 100% my personality. But she just can't seem to accept/understand it. She knows it's not a way for me to get attention or just for fun. She's noticed this since I was little. I guess she thought it was just childhood imaginative play that I'd grow out of. But it's always been serious to me. When I was little I actually thought I was a wolf inside AND out. But you're right that I do need to see someone or I'll always have a miserable feeling like you said.

That approach isn't likely. Don't get me wrong she's very loving and I'd sacrifice my life for her. She just doesn't understand this side of me. But there is a therapist at our local community centre that we visit. She even sees the therapist herself. Perhaps I can lie my way around it and say I want to talk to her because I'm unhappy about my cat being put down. (Which in a way isn't a lie because I'm very unhappy about that still.)

Thanks so much for all the help. I really appreciate it.
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh, I also forgot to say whenever I hear the howl of a wolf, I get goosebumps, a shiver goes down my spine and my eyes start to well up. I'm not a very emotional person. I only cry when something serious is going on or I'm deeply upset. I also cannot look ANYONE in the eye. (Wolves looking into each other's eyes is considered threatening.)
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Avatar_n_tn
I do hope you are still around.

If you are serious look into Therianthropy and Otherkin. The communities of both are normally nice and understanding and will help you cope because in the end that's all we can do. I too am a wolf inside and species dysphoria ***** and people will normally just say your crazy or your making fun of transgender people or some **** but really it's real and anyone who goes through it knows it. You are far from alone :)
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey - This is an old thread - but I am now a lot older than you but have been having species dysphoria for about 10 years - it has now affecte dmy life so much as the inner wolf ( Sandulf) takes up more of my time and energy than my human feelings - I have just been refered to a counsellor - and intend to tell them everythinmg - not so I can be "cured" but just so I can gain control of my life againa nd live ahppily as a human wolf - yes I would recommedn Therian community as they all feel the same to some degree and live with inner animals all the time - they have helped me - but dont listen to others who are not going thjrough the feelings we are as you wont get the understanding - stay true to the canine lupus forever
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