For as long as I can remember I have been hitting myself in my face. First, I get really upset and become crazy like as if I am possessed by the devil and then start hitting myself on my right side of my face usually. I do this with a closed fist usually and smack my face as well repeatly! I feel very angry and possesed like in a way? But, there have also been times I have hit men whom I was in relationships with and when I mean hit them, I punch them hard! I even caused one guy to have to go the the hospital to get 6 stiches. Its crazy! And out of control. I'm so sick of it and all I do is blame God and beg to him why is he torchering me and if it isn't him, then I start to blame the devil for it? I know it sounds crazy, but its all true...I have been to a phychotherapist a few years back and I have also been in the physch unit because I called the police on myself and threatened sucide. I've been on medications, but nothing seems to help me. And back in 2005 I was diagnosed with Graves Disease (thyroidism). I feel hopeless and at times beg God to strike me dead. But, I feel very strongly inspite of everything wrong I still feel like I'm a good decent beautiful, bright woman who has been damaged. I'm 30 years old., but I feel like I just can't make it in this so called life of mine. And to put the icing on the cake to my story...Get ready for this one, The phychotherapist that I mentioned above who I saw on a regular for 3 years, well we live together for the last 2 years. Its crazy and I know.
I acknowledge it all. I just can't help myself. Its sad. I've gone to people and friends for help, but maybe they just didn't take me seriouly. Coz, really I'm a good person, I swear to God and on my fathers grave...I make effort and I keep getting knocked back down and I'm just worn down and the only thing that has kept me alive is a pothead guy friend of mine whom I sit around with everyday and when he needs me and smoke pot with him and I buy the weed, the blunts, my gas, pick him up, take care of him to make sure he has everything he needs as well as I. And how do I get the money for these things, well I have multiple relationships going on with other men who I ask for money and they give it to me. Its just crazy. But, I'm still doing all these things! When I had jobs, I always end up sabataging them by getting upset and hitting myself! I need help I can't live like this. Its not me. I want Me back...
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