Is it alright if I think this way?

[AwkardDerna]

I'm a 15 year old female and a sophmore. For the past three years I've been feeling off about a few things. One being that I feel like I have no use on doing things I used to find important and a neccessity. I wanted to do things the right way the first try, but now I don't do anything at all. My grades have gone from A's down to constant D's and F's.

I also began to think things that I feel isn't normal. From elementary school I had dreams of things like the end of the world or life without my mom or family around. I used to be able to talk it out with people, but now since I'm older I feel like I will be a burden to my mom who already has my older sister to deal with.

I have random phases during the day while off in my day dreaming state of when I realize that 'Hey, your actually alive. This is you. Your in this world. Or are you, you?At you just a host for the brain that is creating every thought your typing down right now?'

I freak myself out sometimes with my little mini attacks and hide it by joking around and listening to music.

And this has been going on for quite awhile. My mom has taken me to a psychologist once and hasn't ever taken me back. I feel like I don't need a one on on talk, just advice that what I'm feeling is normal or not.

I want to hear if there's anyone who relates or even someone who does not,but can share with me what's wrong with my thinking.

I think that school is useless because we could die any second and I don't want to waste away behind a book(unless it's a good one) but doing something I want. I have dreams that I want, and I know someone's going to say 'You need a education in order to chase those dreams, dreaming comes with a price'.

I don't care.

I think that pretending to go along with what others want me to do is stupid because who ever said that us as humans are the rulers of Earth? When did someone decide that we need someone to rule over everything even a planet that wasn't even created by them?

What's the point of learning these things when tomorrow could well be my last? I have dreams,NIGHTMARES everynight about the what ifs. To many what ifs. My sleeping pattern is out of wack and now I can hear and sense everything to the last pin drop.

I say to people that I'm not afraid to die, not anymore.

I say that but I also know that I want to live, but not like this.

[YardBull]

More than a quick answer here, I recommend that you either return to the psychologist or start again with someone else for counseling.  A trained professional can help you sort out your thoughts and help you achieve your potential.

[AwkardDerna]

Thanks, I'm going to try and ask my mom to set antoher appointment soon so I can get help throughout the summer before schools starts back up.

[YardBull]

Sounds good.  

[AwkardDerna]

Oh, and sorry if Teen Health is strictly for the physical aspect, it's just that when I saw it I figured as in physical, emotional, and internal health.