Depression, Not sure?

[fluffinmuffin13]

Hi im 14 and ive been through quite some ****** stuff. For the last past couple of years my life has been getting harder and harder, ive come so close to ending my life so many times. I started cutting myself in grade 6 just small little cuts with scissors, but then in grade 7 it started getting really bad i started using razors and cutting deep and lots more, i also started a bad smoking and stealing habit. And now im finishing grade 8 and its really really bad i have cut soo deep and so much that you could barely even see my arm. I also started planning and writting suicide notes to family and friends. :$ i also have come extremely close to killing my self, but again and again i debated and talked myself out of it. I also steal pills, it got so bad at one point i stole huge bottle of pills from a family memeber. And throughout all of that there has been soo much fighting between me and my mom and stepdad and exspecially my friends or used to be friends/boyfriends, ive been called every name under the sun worst of a bisexual **** up. Ive been sexually abused from the age 10 or 11 to age 13 just recently it has stopped. And the worst part is i know i have a severe problem i do understand but i feel like i dont want to get help, im so indenial and i know i can feel it, all of this hate in me and i dont know why but i lash out on everybody. One time in summer last year my mom got soo mad she pushed me into the house and down the stairs and then dragged me to my bedroom, also Just recently my mom has told me she does not want me while i was at school she packed my stuff and then picked me up at school and drove me to my dads and dropped me off, i didnt even no. I was soo hurt i yelled and told her that if she left me here to consider me gone from the rest of her life, because i wasnt coming back and i would hate her for the rest of my life. At that moment i seen the pills and i came 2 steps closer to killing myself i felt like i was dangling off a cliff, a verdge between dying and staying. I dont ever want to get up from bed, but also i cant ever fall asleep ,i wanna die so bad :$ and i know if i dont do something soon i will end up dead. I really dont know what to do anymore somebody please help me! My mom doesnt think i have a problem she avoids stuff like this and doesnt wanna believe i have a problem. also i dont want to live with my mom bcuz i hate living with her and all we do is fight and its too stressful and i dont want to live with my dad bcuz all he ever does is drink and fight. I dont no were to go or to do?

[Lulu69cb]

I can honestly say we had things in common, except i grew up with a down syndrome brother as well. He used to beat me when i was little, almost killed me. I was too little and skinny to defend myself. It was also hard for me to deal with having a brother like that, I felt hate towards him. We couldnt go anywhere because he had tantrums,  attacks, and alot of things to get used to. I wasnt ready for that, i was little. My parents got divorced, my parents were both ignorant as well... My mother was not very caring she was too busy with my brother.  I have 5 siblings, they were all in their 20's 30's , i wasnt there responsibility.  I had trouble in school, which i asked my older brother if he can help, he rejected me. I ended up going to drugs and wanting to commit suicide.  I was into heavy metal, i didnt believe in god and i just blamed him for everything! When i was 17yrs. I decided to pray, very odd for me but i did, i asked god to help me out because i wasnt gonna be able to finish my school and time was just ticking, i dropped out and felt more like crap , my credits were justtoo behind. So, then i asked God to help me out and to give me a partner that can support me and help me out in life, i told him i wanted someone to love me and care for me. Well 2months later, He blessed me with my husband (Angel) which is 26yrs, i am currently 19yrs old. He knew about god and i kinda did too, we decided to go to church and our lives changed drastically,  although patience is very important. You say you're not that type of person,  but maybe if you give it a try youll see a change. Who cares what people think, at the end everyone has their own account in life so worry about yours and not about others thoughts or anything! Good Luck. God bless you:) If you want to talk just message me.

[fluffinmuffin13]

Thank you, i appreciate it alot. Also i think im going to talk to one of my close teachers. But i dont feel like right now is the time. Right now im nott feeling as bad, but i know ill probably end up back there again. And when i do im going to for sure talk to her. But seeing as how no-one has answered my question yet......Is this some sort of Depression? Like what is this? i just wanna know also would it help if i told you thta i barely sleep and when i do its for like a hour or two sometimes not even?.....

[hollowedxXxbeauty]

Your not ****** up hun, your just having a really crappy life. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you so far in your life, and I'm sorry if I sound like another after school special, but you really do need to talk to someone that has some authority. Talk to a teacher, a councilor, someone who can help. I've been close to where you are now, but I  made it to where I can look back and smile cause I'm past that. The point is, you need to talk to a teacher or someone. And if you ever need to vent, you can talk to me :)

[fluffinmuffin13]

I'm sorry but I'm just not that type of person who goes or likes church. And right now I don't exactly have any motivation, I feel like giving up like there's no hope or point and I just feel so alone I also just recently found out 2 of my friends talk **** about me. I mean seriously what's the point in life if ur just gonna die. I mean why wait why not just do it now.

[hadassah21]

you know, believe it or not, that's what helped me (going to a Christian church and just getting to know God) You are right it doesn't happen magically and change doesn't happen at the blink of an eye or over night, it takes time, I can't explain what really happened, how I started changing when I started going to church, you would have to experience it on your own, but I'm just happy I did. I used to have suicidal thoughts as well. It started when I was very little, 5 years old I believe. I tried to commit suicide sooo many times because I was just tired of seen my parents fight, my dad hitting me, my mom blaming me for being the cause of her problems with my dad, my sisters hating me for being the one causing the fights between my parents and sooo much more that I had to deal with at a very young age, I'm now 21 and yeah I still sometimes get a bit depressed, but it only lasts a couple of minutes and then I just forget all about it and I feel happy again :)

You just have to find a motivation hun, you are too young and like the previous people mentioned there's still so much for you to experience, set goals. Think about what YOU want to make of your life, be a teacher, counselor, nurse, artist, engineer, a mom etc and let that be your motivation. You are gonna grow up and soon you'll have to start your own life, and that's when you choose who you want to be :) This suffering pain doesn't last long just think that something better is coming and it will, but that's up to you :)
Praying for you :)

[fluffinmuffin13]

That's true your right I am comfortable feeling this way. And your also right im not happy about anything in my life but I don't know how to change it or myself and im only in a 6 7 8 school and I know everyone there. PLUS the people I hang out with now help me, one of them is my best friend and she also cuts herself and feels the same and stuff we relate go each other alot I'm not just going to stop hanging out with her. And I used to do all that stuff before too in grade six and before that but in grade 7 it got harder to hide so I stopped also bcuz of some medical issues. I often think of having a child and how great it would be and what I would do if I had one and how things would be different and stuff.

[beck1006]

The reason u r undecided on what to do is because you are comfortable in feeling this way, that doesn't mean u actually want to die, I too felt like that before, and realized later on that I had nothing in my life that I was happy about? So I changed myself and started to think outside of the box, even hung out with people I wouldn't normally hang out with, and found out I was pretty interesting and so were other people! Sports, animals, hikes became my new focus and before I knew it, I had slipped outta my (funk) and didn't even realize it, but u have to be willing to experience something new. There is still so much u haven't yet experienced ...:husband, career, children & a real family:) Let me tell u I wouldn't trade my mini me for the world....it is a joy u can't explain but only experience.

[fluffinmuffin13]

NO I hate church and I don't believe in god its not like it's gonna magically heal me.

[pointless1997]

you might consider the idea of being religous....im.not religous myself...but pll say og u go to church or sth your life gets better....

[fluffinmuffin13]

I feeel soo danm fat all the time i feel sooo FAT compared to everyone else that i just want to use scissors to cut it all off thats why i cut my belly my wrists my arms my ankles my legs up and down ive even cut my hips and fingers......But yet.....everytime i tell my mom something she just seems to keep on thinking i dont have a problem......

[fluffinmuffin13]

I mean seriously am i just extremely messed up or something?...... i Smoke, i cut, i binge(once in a while), i eat 24/7 seriously i eat so much that even when my belly hurts....what do i do?!.......i go and eat MORE.....i also Drink i drink quite alot sometimes ive gotton drunk at the age of 13 and ive gotton buz's off of it in grade 7.My stepdad used to touch me and say oh im just trying to help, its what stepdads do. but deep inside i knew that this was NOT what stepdads do i feel so disgusting ALL the time i just want to die seriously ive come this close to dying |  | ive almost drowned in a ocean(the tide sucked me under) ive taken lots of pills i didnt even no what they for(failed) i used to walk so close to the edge of the highway that everynight walking back from my friends house at night that ive had such HUGE temptations to just step over that danm curb and it all there. I used to have boyfriends.....now all i have is nothing, complete emptyness i feel sooo alone sometimes that i can feel it hurt inside physically and it hurts it hurst soo much (crying so danm hard bcuz of it and being so clenched up at the same time it hurts inside so bad) I lie, i steal ciggarettes, i cant wait to grow up?.....i used to beg god sometimes to seriosuly just kill me now and get it over with instead of me suffering i used to ask him to just take my life bcuz i dont want! I have such a big atitude problem my parents dont even want me. People want to send me to a place where kids like me are bad and have big tempers and atitude problems. Ive made out with a guy in grade 6...so people call me a ***** a **** and ****...but you know what maybe i am one.....maybe i deserve to suffer......maybe i deserve all of this maybe its my fault.....Now.......you read this and you tell me if im ****** up or not.

[fluffinmuffin13]

Ummm.....idk i feel like right now isnt really the time to talk to her because i havent been all that bad LATELY.....i have stopped cutting for like 2,3 or 4 months now. and like i guess you could call them fases like were i get in these REALLY bad feeeling/suicide fases and it last quite a while like a couple months and then all of a sudden i slowly start to feel beter cuz i get so sick and tired of it and i feel good not as bad.......but then slowly that starts to fade away and the suicidal thoughts come all pouring back. I just need to know what i have? I mean like i feel so messed up :$ i just want to know what to do about this what this is? why it wont go away? why it wont just stay?......Somebody help

[heather7329]

Hi, it's me again...

The lady above is COMPLETELY RIGHT!  Tell this teacher you talk with, your concerns over being exposed, to your family for getting help!!  Tell her you need transportation for starts, you need this to be AS PAIN FREE AS POSSIBLE, so you will feel comfortable reaching out for the help you need!!  

Your family needs help too, but they'll help and protect you 1st!!  These people know how to handle these situations, BUT, DO STRESS, the importance of your privacy and immediate protection to your teacher and the professionals you come in contact with!

Make sure you save that # above, from above post..
..
My Dad's a teacher, and they're some really special teachers out there.  I think the 1 you talk with can give you that head start your needing to start getting your life back!  You must start somewhere, please love yourself enough to do this!!

Heather

Good Luck, let me know of your progress.....

[fluffinmuffin13]

Hi thank you, i never thought of that but i do have a teacher at my school that i really get along with and i normally tell her everything shes like another mother to me :) Also if i tell her would she tell the principal and the principal tell my mom or parents? :$ bcuz i dont want that to happen. And i always see people telling someone to call that number but i get too nervous and never call :$ i usually end up talking to one of my friends about how im feeling about then and they convince me not to do it. Also my mother always deny's doing all of that when i know she knows it happened even our neighbors saw. But "Apparently" this is not abuse what-so-ever but honestly ive asked my mom in a arguement to be adopted to please put me up for adoption bcuz i always think that maybe everything would be different if i had different parents.

[momoftwogirls2013]

Hi, little girl.

I am the Mom of two daughters, one of whom is struggling with depression.  If you don't have a psychologist at your school, talk to a trusted teacher about your suicidal thoughts, attempts and what is going on at home.  I know if you find the right teacher, he or she will help you.  Your Principal or Asst. Principal also might be able to help you.

If you have strong feelings of commiting suicide, please call this nationwide suicide prevention hotline, SAVE-Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, it is 1-800-273-8255.  They can talk with you as long as you want when you are in a bad situation.  If you are being abused at home, you can call 911, and the police can come and help you.  Sometimes police officers can be good community resources, they're not just out there to arrest the "bad guys."

Post again and let us know how you are doing.

I will pray for you.

Ann

[fluffinmuffin13]

Yeah but i still dont quite wanna go :$ i think its mainly bcuz some part inside of me doesnt want to change i want to stay this way(depressed, cutting, suicidal, etc) but a little part inside of me does want to change.Also who would i get to take me tho? to like the health department? and if i go what do i do?  Also i would still like to know if this is indeed depression or a sign of it? bcuz i would really like to know what it is that is wrong with me :/

[heather7329]

Truth is there's not a person on earth had to come to terms with problems, they'd rather NO ONE ELSE ABOUT!!  There is stigma associated with seeing counselors or Physiologist..However it's usually us, the regular folks, who attach that stigma.  There's not hardly person alive, that hasn't at some point needed a therapist, which is only someone who's trained to ask open ended questions, in order to get you to talk about your past in a healing way. After a certain amount time, often very soon, after counseling sessions are underway, your brain will begin to naturally work out the kinks causing sadness etc. This usually occurs through your dreams over time.  You actually end up healing yourself, Once the counselor, therapist, or psychologist, opens you up, with the proper questions!!

Psychology professionals often get counseled by colleagues who are ALSO Mental health professionals.  The therapist out there are very open-minded, as they get counseled themselves!  No human being has ever lived that could've done WITHOUT help at 1 point or another!!  People attach negative thoughts and stigmas to "The whole talking to someone" issue!  No it doesn't mean your crazy.  However because the thinking associated with therapy many people pass up the opportunity to work through their problems, WHICH IS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME, a chance to heal, which you will do yourself, once the counselor gives u the.tools.  You can have the happiness deserve, you just have to claim your own happiness.
I know your scared, but you must be brave for your future/future family/futire career, don't let fear take your dreams away, Or what could be your dreams for future!! ANYWAY, here's an idea
.. I keep forgetting how progressive the internet is,
You should be able to find this information yourself without going out!  That will give your more privacy.  Things I would look under, would be your health department, mental health department...they may even do some sessions online or by phone .

Please let me know how your doing!!

Heather

[fluffinmuffin13]

My school does not have a couple sleep and I don't know we're a local health department is and I don't have anyone to bring me there I'm too scared :$. Sometimes it's soo hard to laugh or to even be happy that I just stop trying and make my day worse. But I feel like by cutting it let's out my pain. Same with smoking both of them are addicting I have managed to stop but just recently I have relapsed. Also my mom has said before that we should go to counseling but I'm waay to stubborn to say yes I hate counslers bcuz admitting to go see them is like admitting you have a problem and I don't want anyone to think I have a problem me for that matter but at the same time I want help. I just I'm idk I guess :$$

[heather7329]

Hey,

Sorry for what you've been through...PLEASE see your school counselor and relay to him/her what's going on at home/with friend's/YOUR SADNESS and anger...I WOULD BE SAD & ANGRY TOO!!  IF, you can't get help there, go to your local health deparment for a referral to someone who can help this home situation your in, along with your want to end things1  NO ONE IS WORTH THAT!!  1 day you'll have career, set your sights high(YOUR WORTH IT!!!)  1 day you'll marry/have kids, who you will show the love you missed out on.. AND it will be paid back to you in full!!

You need an outlet, THAT'S HEALTHY, so you can work through all that's happened to you!!

It's NOT EASY BEING A TEEN, I USED TO BE ONE TOO!!  However, SOME of us get it a little tougher than the rest!!  I KNOW I DID!!  Did you know the very kids that treated me the worst, were some of the first ones on Facebook to ask me to be their friend...20 years later!!  I FOUND THAT PRETTY IRONIC!!  It wasn't important enough to give a 2nd thought...was interesting though!!
I have 2 teenage daughters your age and a son a little younger...My older daughter has been called some of the same stuff as you have...She was depressed too!!  LET ME REMIND YOU TO LAUGH...IT'S LIKE A DRUG!!   Surround yourself with happy things you love!!  Those little *******, AND what they say, won't mean a frinkin thing  to you in a few years(I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE)!  I know you've had it really bad, but killing, cutting, letting them get you down etc... is like handing them your life, TO DO WITH WHAT THEY CHOOSE, your worth way more than that!! ...These kids don't deserve that much credit!!  Please be happy and don't give them ANY power over you!
Someone also needs to intervene with your family, it will take some family counseling which they'll have to do... IT WILL BE WORTH IT THOUGH!!  YOU MUSN'T GO ON LIKE THIS!!

If you need someone to talk to,  I'm here!!

I'll pray for you,

Heather