depressed teen seeking help

[sadk]

i think it's time i get help. last year i started the 8th grade and nothing was wrong. i am, or was now that i graduated, considered popular at my school. everyone was my friend, i wasn't getting bullied, and i didn't have any reasons to be depressed but that just wasn't enough i guess. as days passed i just became less happy. i didn't know what was wrong with me but i felt numb to life. nothing made me genuinely happy anymore. i began questioning my purpose. like every 14 girl i'm going through puberty so i blamed hormones. but it just got worse, i felt distant. i was and still am uncomfortable in my own body. i don't like myself. i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone. and the more i think about it the worse it gets because i feel like an attention seeking *****. i don't have any reasons to be sad, I'm not bullied, i come from a good home. what gives me the right to cry about myself when there are people in the world with real problems. i hate myself. i thought of myself as a horrible person, i mean i still do. christmas break finally came. at this point no one really noticed because i felt like i didn't deserve the pity of my friends so i acted happy. this also made me sad because no one noticed how different i had became, i began to question the quality of my friends. i decided i was worth anything so i didn't deserve friends at all. i shut them out. this has become a common thread in my life. when people try to help me i feel like they just pity me so i shut them out of my life and tell them i want to be left alone when in reality i want someone to care about me and see how i've really been feeling. my mom and i got into a huge fight over christmas break. i hadn't really texted or seen my "friends" all break. my mom said all i was was a bratty, dramatic teenager. i believed her. i'm just drama. i knew that all my life my parents had thought of me as just drama but that day it hit me harder then usual. i locked myself in the bathroom to cry because there was nowhere else i could be alone. we were living with my grandparents because we were in the process of moving. in the bathroom, i cried for a long time. i was just sitting on the floor with my head resting on my knees. i looked up at the shower. there was my razor. as u can probably guess that was my first time self harming. I've cut myself since then, i still haven't completely shaken the habit to this day. but i don't cut my wrists because i don't want anyone to know, so i cut the part of my body that i hate the most, my thighs. no one could see them bc they were in the upper part. we went back to school in january. i was as unhappy as ever, so i searched for something anything. i went to a private catholic school. so i joined youth group. they were preparing to give a retreat to the 7th graders so me being an 8th grader was allowed to join the retreat team. the youth group guy was the first to find out about everything that had been going on in my life. he gave me a topic to talk about at the retreat. the topic was being fake. i cried almost instantly and then he pulled my aside to have a talk. he said he knew what was really happening with me, he knew i self harmed, he knew i was depressed, he knew everything and i hadn't told anyone, not a soul. this man who i really just met just knew the real me while these people i had been around for 11 years couldn't tell the difference. he's the reason i stopped self harming. he's also the reason i have such a strengthened faith. no one really knows about that tho, i'm not some sort of jesus freak like in movies where they walk around like nuns. i honestly don't know where i'd be without the help of that guy. anyways i came out at that retreat, my friends cried my teachers cried and i cried of course. the thing is that on monday morning everything kinda went back to normal. i was all alone again. i kept going to youth group because i found it was my safe place. but not even he really talked to me specifically anymore. i hated myself even more than ever because i hated that i felt like i wanted attention. i did but really it was more about wanted a person to be there for me. things only go downhill from there. i'm getting worse. i made it to graduation, still pretending to be happy when life eats me up inside. i have horrible mood swings, i take anger out on people, i shut out anything with a pulse. i took some tests online and they all say I have moderate to severe depression. no one who knows cares anymore and i haven't told anyone since the retreat. i don't feel close enough to my parents and plus i'd feel too guilty to tell them. like i don't want to burden them. they have bigger problems then me and lately they've been fighting a lot. i don't really want anyone in my family to know bc they all think I'm the happiest person in the world and i don't want them to worry. but i do want help. i wish i could see a therapist or someone, anything that would help me. i've spent this entire summer alone in my dark room. I've gained weight and i don't really do anything social. anyone who has advice i'd really appreciate any help. thanks if u read this really long thing. i actually shortened it...

[Horselover720]

If you ever need to talk I'm here I self harmed and am depressed as well. I've never talked to anyone about those problems but I plan on trying to get it all out on this site later on.

[PrincessSaturn]

It's going to take some time and growth. I believe happiness is a choice, since it never came to me. I choose to see life in a better way even though its sometimes lame and depressing. I can't let it get to me. I let God do everything for me and I followed his path to greatness, and I obeyed Him. My life is so much better now, obviously not perfect, but I am way better than I used to be.

[sadk]

i wish i could see a therapist but i haven't had the heart to tell my parents. i totally agree with you when it comes to God. throughout this whole thing He's the only one that has been there for me. i always pray to Him when i need someone to talk to :)

[PrincessSaturn]

I suggest you seeing a therapist, they can break down each one of your problems and help you solve them. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression but is currently inactive and has been for less than a year. (assuming youre Christian) I became closer to God and started thanking Him for each one of my days, good or bad. I knew that He would always be there for me, and though nothing seemed to be changing in life, He was slowly working on my life. I got to the point where He changed my life so much in so many great ways and brought someone to my life who I cannot thank Him enough for.