This patient support community is for discussions relating to pregnancy concerns for teens, ages 13-17. Please note, this community is not intended to discuss how to conceive. Questions regarding this will be removed.
If it's not unprotected, it's not unexpected!!!! ATTENTION; PLEASE READ! ! ! ! !
I have some things I'd like to say to all of you teenagers out there trying to get pregnant... I would first like to quote a comment I left on someone elses post, because it sums it up pretty much.
"Okay this is going to sound mean, but do you really think you want a baby? Do you even have the slightest idea what in all that entails?
Do you seriously think that you are prepared for what having a baby will do to your life? Take it from me, I'm 16 and my son is 2 months old and things around here are not looking pretty. My life has permanently changed from here on out and from the point at which I conceived him, onward, my life is now about him. Not myself. Or that wonderful fantasy of being in love, either. You need to take a step back, just like all of you teenagers trying to fall pregnant. You need to look at yourself, your life, your household, your relationships and most importantly, your maturity level and ask yoursel SERIOUSLY if you are ready for a baby. Not just because you feel like you want one or need one or because you want someone to love or some sort of play thing. It's not LIKE THAT!"
And for those of you who aren't "Trying" to get pregnant but are always on here saying " I had unprotected sex and I'm scared I'm pregnant, HELP!" WELL, as the title says, if it's not unprotected, it's not unexpected.You should all expect that 50/50 chance of getting pregnant having unprotected sex. It should not be a big shock to you if you end up pregnant or fear you are, if you're not doing anything to protect yourself. And for your information, the "Pull-out method" is NOT a method. You are just as likely to get pregnant.
And if you are asking AM I PREGNANT?! Take a test. We are not there with you, we are not psychics, and we are not in your body. It is physically impossible for us to tell you that answer. Especially with how different each person is and each person's symptoms.
I am sorry that I had to rant like that and I am unsure how many of you will truly read this, but you really should take it from me... if anyone. It's not easy.. Realizing you have a lot of adult decisions to make before you ever thought you'd be ready to make them, is hard. But life does not care if you are ready for it, you have to do what you have to do, ready or not.
This is a human beings life you are in control of. And it doesn't mean that because you have control, you know what to do with it. There are SOOO many tough choices to make, and you will realize you NEVER knew how much you DIDN'T KNOW about babies, until you have one of your own. You will never know how much you take for granted.. Such as privacy, quiet time.. and depending on your situation, things like eating, using the bathroom, showering, SLEEP, let ALONE socializing for god's sake!!! You don't have time and you can't make time. That baby will need you 100% at any given moment. And don't believe for a second he/she will give two s**ts about when YOU want to do something. It's all about THEM. And this is a permanent thing. PERMANENT. talking about forever, or 18 years at best. You can't throw your hands up when you feel you've had enough and say "Okay! I give up! I'm done!" If you really want a baby to love on and care for, get a babysitting job!!!!
And even if you know everything about babies, I don't think there is a way to fully prepare yourself. I often doubt that many grown women in their 30's are fully equipped emotionally, mentally, and most important, financially.. to take care of a child. So why throw your own childhood down the drain just because you think this is what you want?
Seriously, think about this.. Think long and hard about your life, your future, yourself.. Things you might not have considered before.. And then you make that decision. You have freedom and it's your choice what to do with it.. But you are the one who lives with the consequences of your actions.
That being said, please.. Those of you young women (or men) having sex.. PROTECT yourself. Not only from pregnancy, but STD's that could KILL you, or ruin your chances of EVER having a child. Ever. And could rob your mother of her own child. They ARE real, and they CAN happen to you. Just because you're young and think you're independant, does NOT mean you are invinsible. so PLEASE.. use condoms.
wow.id like to say that i wasnt offended by anything you stated first off.i do agree with you in that people do need to use protection...and young women shouldnt be "looking" to get pregnant..i dont think many young females understand what a difference a child will be on their life(s).
i myself, am in a crisis with not completely knowing if i am pregnant...and let me tell you, whether i am or not..my experience has opened my eyes up to SOOO MUCH.i was using protection(and would stilll be, but i had to stop after my +blood test)....and sex with protection, isnt a 100% secure thing either.....
so....id like to add that if your having sex..period...protected or not...it still shouldnt be a HUGE shock...as that umm...birth control isnt 100%..as is condoms...
Well said KStarr. I am 30 years old going on 31 in a matter of months. I had my first child last November. Let me tell you it is HARD. I didn't know what to expect either and I was ready. It is exhausting to say the least. The simple things in life that you used to enjoy, you no longer can do. Everyone keeps asking me, have you seen "Batman" yet or "Sex in the City" yet. Hello, I have an 8 month old...I haven't seen a movie in ages. Dinner at a restaurant is a challenge, my son is grabbing everything at the table, sticking his hands in my food, throwing toys, making noise. That's a good day with him. I can't even get undressed out of my work clothes when I come home from work because he's crying and wants me to hold him. Sleep, I get but it's interrupted sleep. When he was first born, I was up every 2 hours. Talk about sleep deprivation. I'm totally in love with my son but I'm soooo glad I waited and was able to enjoy life. finished college, worked, went on vacations with my friends, went clubbing, dated and waited for the right man. Your first boyfriend may or may not be the last boyfriend. Be prepared for that. It adds pressure and stress into a relationship that could've been fine before the arrival of the baby. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean the man in your life is going to stick around and be with you just because you have his baby. But now you are STUCK with him for the rest of your life even if you don't want to see his face. Imagine he cheats on you or breaks up with you to be with someone else...you can't just move on....you share a child. Now you have to deal with him forever!!!! It's hard work and even at my age. Enjoy your youth, take care of yourself, have fun and get your education.
I was one of the teenages wanting to get pregnant. It didnt happen until I was 28 and THANK GOODNESS for that!!! I had no idea what I was in for. I thank my lucky stars every day that I had the experiences that I did as a teenager and as a young adult. Even at 28 I was not prepared for this experience. I can not image how different my life would be now if I had a baby in my teens. It would not be better...I can guarantee that!
Well said Kstarr I think they need to tag this and permanently set it at the top of the pregnancy 20 and under forum. Im not going to add about my situation because Im sure everyone has their own view on it and why its not "ideal" But I would like to add this.
To all the teenaged girls on here that want to be pregnant because you are "in love" I think you need to seriously rethink that. I got pregnant when I was 16 (resulted in miscarriage) with a guy that I was head over heels in love with. Well we are still together but we struggle with our relationship EVERYDAY and a lot of the time I wonder what it would be like if I would have never gotten pregnant by him and let myself make him my world. Yes I do love him but sometimes I wonder if I love him the way that a wife loves a husband and better yet I wonder if HE loves ME the way a man should love a woman. There are days that I feel completely drained and used by him. Driving him around when he runs out of gas and stupidly spends his money on other things, buying him food because once again hes spending his money on dumb stuff, and cleaning up the house after him and his friends trash it during a night of partying. Sometimes I feel like I'm STUCK and I blame most of this on the fact that I got pregnant at a young age and let myself get too attatched to him. Now 3 years later we are actually going to have a baby together within a matter of months. Everyday I wake up hoping that it will be the day he decides to grow up and guess what? It never is. He is 20, young, and immature. I am 19, faced with the fact that I have a child to support, and trying to make the best of my situation. Don't get me wrong, Travis and I get along well, but is he ready for the responsibility that a child presents? NO. Which leaves me in a situation where I will run myself out of energy everyday taking care of our baby, working to support the baby, and trying to be a good girlfriend all at once. I have set myself up not expecting anything from Travis since I found out I am pregnant because we aren't married and he has no "obligations" to me. Simply being boyfriend and girlfriend means nothing and guys can do whatever they want, face it. You are the one that will be pregnant not him. You are the one that carries the child inside of you for 9 months while he is out hanging out with his friends, drinkinking, doing whatever it is he wants to do. You are the one who is solely providing for this baby not him. Think twice.
Let me tell you, his age means nothing. My fiance is 31 and is the exact same way. Spends money on anything and everything except what his son needs. Comes and goes as he pleases (of course with my permission) but why can he have a life and my life is taking care of our son. I can't just pick up and hang out with my girls or even go get my nails done. I do almost everything for our son. I can count the number of times he's bathed him (zero), the number of times he's put him to bed (zero), the amount of times he's spoon fed him (1), the number of outfits he's bought him (3). I do the majority of the work. I don't think that is an age thing, I think it's a gender thing. It's tough being a mommy but it sounds like you will be just fine.
I thank God for my maturity level everyday lol because if I wasn't saving money and trying to be an adult we would be screwed in 3 months. I agree with you I should have worded that better.. My boyfriends oldest brother is 26 still living at home with a part time job. His 2nd oldest brother is 23, goes to the bars everynight of every weekend and gambles away money he doesn't have. He even gambles away his money to pay utilities and his house mortgage, he had to file for bankrupcy recently simply because of poor spending habits. This should have been a red flag for me when it came to finances with my boyfriend. He gets paid and his check is gone by the next day. This weeks choice items to spend money on unnecissarily were a skateboard (when he already has one that isnt cracked or broken) and the most expensive deoderant he could find at the store. 8$ to be exact and he bought 2 of them. so 40 dollars on a skateboard he doesnt need and will hardly ever use and 16 dollars on deoderant?? Umm I get deoderant for 2 dollars at the most and I dont buy 2 things of it at a time.. You arent just giong to run out and when you do you go to the store. He also thought it would be a good idea to buy the most expensive dish soap he could find "because it works better" well.. I dont care if it works better! scrub harder and use the 1 dollar stuff! lol he has bad spending habits and I cant stand it because then I get stuck giving him money for gas, food, and bills. so overall stupidly spent money this check for him. about 65 dollars.. and 25 to drive an hour to pick up a friend who was just in town the day before.. Why did his friend even go back home if you just had to pick him up again the next day?? 90 dollars that we could have saved or he could use to get back and forth to work until he gets paid again!
Ugh!!! I hear you loud and clear. My fiance gets paid and it can't even last a good week. Then he's dipping into my paycheck which I need to responsibly pay bills and buy things for our son. Then I'm short and need to rely on him when he gets paid, which I hate. Meanwhile our son needs a lightweight stroller, needs a bath seat, needs the next level nipples for his bottles, needs a walker, and needs new shoes. How the heck am I supposed to pay for all of this? The one thing he did buy our son was our carseat which was $275 so that was good. I don't know what c r a p he spends his money on either. Junk also. I to should have known better but we think with our hearts sometimes. I do tough love now. If he blows his money, he is screwed. I don't help him out. It seems to make him spread his money out a little better. You should try that as well and hopefully your bf will get his sh!t together before the baby is born.
I think you are a very very mature woman for your age. Everything you said was the truth. Im not sure if it will get threw to many women or not but I do know you have made a serious point. I love the way you write you are a very talented person! Keep your head because even thou you yourself is a teen mom it seems as if your doing one of hell of a good job. Kisses Ps thanks seriously for spreading the advice if no one else cares about what you say just pleae know that I do and I enjoy reading everything you post. Take care
Yep I know what you mean. Actually I just started doing the tough love thing too when it comes to money. Im having a 3D ultrasound done next weekend and if I dont save I wont be able to afford it. I have been working EVERYDAY including weekends. Sometimes at the hospital sometimes at my other job.. Basically when Im not at the hospital Im at Quiznos! Yay huh? I work 38 hours this week at the hospital and 15 at Quiznos. and thats between 5 days, I would normally be working 7 but I needed the weekend off for a family reunion. So im pulling a 53 hour week in 5 days where he is working 25 hour weeks in 7.. Its like.. He doesnt understand I bust my a** so I can be comfortable raising this baby. And he doesn't even TRY to pick up hours.. Not my fault when he doesn't have money because Im working my *** off so I do. Last night he called me and asked me to pick him up a double cheeseburger from Mc Donalds. I told him "no" I had 2 dollars in my pocket and was not dipping into my bank account so he could have fast food "eat macaronie and cheese" and he did. Thats what its coming to between us. I dont care if he thinks im being stingy at least he will realize that it was worth it once the baby is here and we aren't struggling.
i agree that young people should be more eduacted about contreception however ild just like to add im 19 now and execting my third child i had my first daughter when i was 15 and not every young mom doesnt cope i think your article was a little harsh to say the least i happen to find being a mom the easy'est thing in the world it just comes so natural as for things not looking to pretty for you im sorry to hear it im doing a child care course and have found haveing kids has not held me back in life at all, i do agree with what you said about many moms in there 30's not being emotionaly preperaed and ready but doesnt that go to show age isnt evrythng its about the person themselves being ready for a baby based on there feeling and mutuirty levels. being young has nothing to do with not being able to socalise after haveing a baby im sure any women be they 16 or 36 will tell you they have less time to socalise thats part of being a mom no matter what age you are. ild like to hear some stories of young moms out there doing well far to many people gudge on age not every young mom is single, unemployed and doing terible, haveing said that ild like to end this by saying to any women of any age that haveng a baby is a big step and to think it through first
i dont think its harst AT ALL! why a child would try to have a child is beyond me!\
froggy- im glad you find being a mom to soon to be three children at the simple age of 19 easy! but for mostly all and people twice your age do not find raising children easy. its not easy, paying bills it not easy, getting a good stead job, and going on to college is not easy when you have a child. its not about being mentally ready for a baby all the time, what about financially ready? physically ready? and its not about giving up and not being able to cope its about being able to provide the best for your child!
Thanks for your comments, and froggytori, I was not being harsh, if you ask me. I'm a teen mom as well. I said just what you said, that it should be THOUGHT THROUGH! That is the biggest point if you read down through I say to think about it and think hard.. Perhaps this doesn't apply to you, and if you truly are doing a good job, then good for you, and good for your children. However it's not that easy for most other people. I also pointed out that it is tough at any age.. I told the young women to evaluate their maturity level, not that every young women isn't able to be at that maturity level.
lol your welcome. i know adults that are struggleing to make ends meet better yet if you add a child into the mix! as well as providing a stable home for a child. what happens with divorce? or when your a single mom? what about education and making something of your life.
I think wanting to have a baby when you are a teenager is the dumbest thing I can ever have heard. Froggy you insist that you ate a great mom at almost 19... however I find that VERY hard to believe unless your parents are helping you out. Children cost money something that no normal teenager at 19 with 2 almost 3 kids would have. If you are happy thats one thing but being able to financially support a family is another. I'm 20 and didn't really expect my baby it was just one of those if it happens it happens kind of things. I am in college studying psychology so that I can be a defense lawyer. I've been in college since I was 16 years old and graduated when I was 17. Not a GED a real diploma. In between school I had a great job as a website designer at GoDaddy and I made like 4000 a month at least so when I got pregnant I though that there wouldn't be anything to worry about. Because of the crashing economy and because you can't go onto maternity leave unless you've worked for a company for over a year my position was unsecured and I can't go back or really get hired anywhere else because everyone around me is loosing their jobs as well. I've requested state aid and that to me is the most embarrassing thing I have EVER had to do. I take care of my own problems I don't shovel them on to other people. Financially I am strapped and all my money is almost gone out of savings. Plus like many other people have said having a child is EXHAUSTING. Most teenagers don't have the patience to rock a baby for hours while they kick you and scream in your ears because they are colicky or getting a tooth. What about when your baby is sick and gets you sick as well and all you want to do is sleep but the baby won't sleep a wink! Going to school and having a full time job to support your family means that you would hardly ever get to see your child. It is hard for people that are financially and emotionally secure... which sorry but no teenager is both of those things. For those of you who have had children when they are young and everything is dandy for you... realize that its probably not a good idea for the majority of children to be getting pregnant so instead of being like "it worked for me" just don't say anything. I know that sounds harsh but your not making the world a better place.
good post Kstarr! very well worded... Froggy do not take it personally, nobody is attacking you as a mother because of your age. I dont know you but I know its possible to be a great mom because at 19 I was too. and NO I am not saying- sure teens, get out there and get pregnant because "it worked for me". It was just something that happened to me and I did my best instead of putting my problems on somebody else. Fortunately my husband had a good job and was supportive of me and the kiddos and we both loved them to peices so for me it wasnt the horror story that the average teen mom has to tell. We all love our children. Love is what makes the difference. and I mean real love, not puppy love, the type of love that you can move mountains with if you had to. the type that keeps you up for 3 days straight with sick babies puking and cooking meals, whiping noses, and changing diapers in between mad dashes for the toilet.
I AM PROUD OF YOU!!!!! I had read soem of your past posts and of course you were a teenager.. you of course still are however you have grown alot since those first posts and i am happy. I agree with you 100% in everything you said.. I am 22 and had my son at 21 and he was planned..for the longest time I always felt like something was missing... UNTIL i met my baby boy....it seems as though all the love and care and everything I had I wanted to give it to my child.. I knew I always wanted kids and i figured I would have them around 26-30 but go figure...I do no regret anything but yes there are those days where it is hard.. I had a very good baby.. mind you he is still quite good but he is coming out of his shell with his attitude and whining,etc...he will not sleep in his bed and yes i am to my ends with it but yet I do what's best for him now.. he has a fear of being in a crib/playpen...why???? i dont know.. ive tried removing all from his room and nothing has helped but the joys of being a mother. I am currently a single mom and it's not like anything changed because I have been doing it on my own since day 1...I went to my moms for a total of 1 months over the past year and I have never pawned my child off to my mom EVER..., I do enjoy being a mom, I am returning to school which I know will be hard...I enjoy my life...Cameron he is my life but at 16 I would have NEVER been ready for this.. Sure I babysat ever since I was 10...But you can have all the experience in the world and you still dont know alot when it comes down to it...I am very proud of you for posting this and I hope those young teenagers out there listen to someone their age for once....having a baby is a BIG responsibility.. costs alot of money.. there is sooo much more i would love to give my son...I will choose not to buy alot of things just so my son can have what he deserves.. and he is already spoiled.. I can't wait to be working to be able to give him WAY more and that's hard.. Alot of teenagers are selfish and some realize only shortly after they had their baby...unfortunately.. so to those teens out there having unprotected sex and wanting to get pregnant think twice.. LABOUR IS HELL!!! you have to push a baby out of there... IT HURTS!!! and then care for that baby....it seems all nice but every baby is different and not everyone is blessed with an easy going child so please think twice!
ok maybe you were but i dont beleive that someone at 19 has the money to raise a child provide a stable home, finish their education.
everyone struggles and i just think that its a LOT better to wait at least until 20 something, because its hard and babies cost a lot, a house costs a lot, medical cost a lot, insurance, a car, education, a husband
luv2bmommy im not at all saying you or anyone in perticular arnt. i never said not a good mom. i said not the best mom possible. because i dont kno anyone personally. however i dont think that at 19 anyone can fully provide for a child, and themselves. most 19 year olds are still at least somewhat dependant on their parents.
lol i never said you said not a good mom. and i never said dont wait. i was explaining to froggy that it wasnt a personal attack on all young mothers or her. it was simply to warn the ones who want the responsibility at a young age. but that doesnt mean that when it does happen that the mother cant be the "best mother possible" I mean what is that anyway? every mom of every age could use improvement. theres no such thing as a perfect person, and children dont come with instruction manuals. but if we love our children we will do anything. and CAN make it work, i did. and when you say cant fully provide that doesnt apply to all because yes, i did. most 19 yr olds arent dependent, but some are. Im just saying, I know a group of 5 40 yr old women couldnt have done a better job with my children than me, because I love them more than anyone could. and yes, being a great mom is ALL about love, being a great anything is. a great wife, husband, person, friend, mother- anything. Because if you truly love your children you will make sure they are provided for, taught well, fed well, treated well; and nothing will get in the way of that. without love you could have a 3 story house, 6 cars, every luxury in the world, throw money at your kid and you would be a complete and total failure.
no matter how much love a mother may have for their child....sometimes its not possible to provide everything a child needs. no matter how great a job someone may have........sometimes it not enough. its not always enough to pay for the bills that need to be paid, medical, insurance, clothes, along with everything a baby needs.
harsh or not, unfortunately we live in a reality where "tough love" is the only way to go.....i got preg @ 15, and i was devasted about my m/c(sometimes, i still am!)....i'm 25 now, and when i question myself about the baby growing in me now, i rethink my question and ask myself...no, THIS baby will be fine....what about THAT baby??? these days its not enough to just trust your kids when they say they aren't doing anything.....you actually have to pay attention, and sometimes drill the reality of it into them! it's not our great grandparents, who got married at 16(grannies) and 20(papas), then had 5-8 kids and owned their house and farm and never worried for anything.....it's 2008, our economy is not geared for the overload we are facing, and i know this sounds wrong, but i can't find a job PREGNANT at 25! i imagine unless it's a town where you know someone who knows someone getting a job as a pregnant TEEN is probably not that easy either....(no offense kstarr), but girls who wanna get preg and have babies INTENTIONALLY do not realize not only are they setting themselves up for failure, but that if they live at home, they've now made a HUGE impact on their parents and siblings lives! but kstarr is very mature for her young years.....and she's one of the few who actually comprehend what her actions(again no offense!), have impacted on her life.....but not every teen is as intelligent as some of the others on here.....asmuch as i hate to say it, watch maury a few times.....you'll see.....
but again, kstarr--i commend you for sayin this, and i agree withthe poster who said this shouldbe a sticky at the top of the forum.....now, my response is not geared to younger married women, b/c i'm sure those women will think i/we mean them as well....and *I* do NOT.....
hey ladies, i've read all these posts and I'd like to share my story. I am 20 years old and 35 weeks pregnant. I am not married, but am still with my child's father and have been for 6 years. this pregnancy was not PLANNED, but would never have been turned away. i live in a place where teen pregnancy is not uncommon. in fact, you would not believe how many girls are pregnant at our local high school. it's sad to say that most of them are not with the baby's father, ever had a relationship with the father, or the father doesn't want anything to do with it. 1 out of every 10 girls here at currently expecting. it's sad, but true. many of these girls believe they can keep these boys around by getting pregnant or it was simply an accident. i hate that word but i cannot explain it any other way. i am not one of these girls. this is my final semester in school and will be graduating from nursing school, my boyfriend has a steady job that pays better than most jobs that require a degree. we own our own home, our own brand new cars, take care of ourselves, and have paid for everything we have. financially, we are stable. we do not worry about bringing a child into the world on our budget. we welcome it. most people cannot believe that two young people of only 21 and 20 could have that kind of security and stability in their lives, but it is possible. we are lucky i admit it. but it doesn't mean i should be stereotyped just because i'm 20. i'm doing better than a lot of 30 year old women. my relationship with my boyfriend is solid and always has been. we are very mature for our age. i read in one article that one women was saying having a relationship is HARD and requires HARD WORK, but what i want to say to you is duh! i work at my relationship EVERYDAY and thats okay! nobody is perfect and we should not judge them. when you see that 14 or 15 year old girl walking around with a huge belly, don't assume "poor girl" or "that *****" because i do believe everything happens for a reason. my only advice to those girls who are younger than me and looking to get pregnant or having unprotected sex, just remember that this is YOUR life. you can screw it up with or without a child, but it's up to you to make your child's life amazing and fullfilled. make sure you can give anything and everything to your child before even having sex. because trust me, the second you have sex, you start to think about a child. "what if i get pregnant?"
ladies, i do commend you for offering your guidance and opinions to the young ladies out there like me, but again, don't judge them, some of us are well off. i cannot say for sure that i won't get screwed over or never have to pinch pennies, but atleast i know my baby will never suffer. motherhood is something that must come naturally. age has nothing to do with the qualifications of being a mother. it's maturity levels. if you are mature, you will support and love your baby. be the best you can and know the consequences of unprotected sex.
safe yourself the questioning of being pregnant and buy yourself a box of condoms. they're not THAT expensive and that little 2-8 dollar box can save you a LOT of money, stress, and pain that was not intended on. or even that, get on birth control! i was on the patch to which i only had to change once a month and no one really knows it's there and i never got pregnant until my periods stopped because i was on it for too long. my dr took me off it for one month and i got pregnant. come on ladies, just find yourself a good form of birth control, or better yet, obstain from sex. it's okay. if a guy won't date u because of it, he's not a real man. safe yourself for the one guy that will be true to you and honor you and be able to share the commitment of a child with you. it truely is a joy to have such a man and a promise.
i just want to say it was nice to hear that you done well as a young mom your story was lovely to read and ild like to hear more young moms doing so well i didnt mean to affend anybody in my post i do agree alot with what every one is saying how brining up a child is hard emotionaly and finacally but was just saying it goes for every age group not just young mothers im sure every mother in the world has not had it 100% easy. i would just like to say i was a little affended by alaysha comments as i do belive im a good mom why is that so hard to belive just beacause im 19, i left home when i was 16 because i had a very bad childhood i havent really spoke to my mom since, and your right no one at 19 with almost three kids has all the money they need but i do have a partner that works and provides for us i didnt ever say i was good as a single mom infact without my partner i would proberly have been lost but i didnt just get pregnant for the fun of it i knew what i was doing and i gave it lots of thought first so i do agree with kstarr07 about thinking thigs threw first i wasnt aposeing you beacuase your right just because it works for some young moms it doesnt work for all and thats any age aswell, i feel for you the situation your in as ive never had to be on my own ive always had the love and support i need of my kids dad i hope things work out for you aswell
The trouble is, "giving it lots of thought" as a teen is not the same as "giving it lots of thought" as a 27 year old or as a 35 year old.
I thought many things through as a teenager, and now cringe at the results of the things I did and "thought through".
You just don't have the life experience as a teen to fully understand what you will be up against. Even if you've been on your own for a couple of years. Time and maturity bring a different perspective to "thinking things through".
Can teens be good parents? Certainly, if they have plenty of support, guidance, and help from either parents or in some cases, from the state in the form of aid and assistance. Can you give an unprepared and unsupported teen a baby and throw them out the door to survive and do it to the benefit of the baby? My opinion is no.
well said peek...mind you I think anyone thrown out the door to survive may not be able to do it to the benefit of the baby...but everyone having kids we make it all work for each of us and do the best we can do...I know it's a rough world out there and yeah it would be nice to have everything given to you but it surely doesnt work that way... EVER...Like I've said before repeatedly.. I am 22 and my child is very well taken care of by me...i see women who are older beyond their years and older than me and i see it on a daily basis...bars, men, clothes, cars, you name it.. it ALL comes before their children... on the 20th of the month when im out buying my child all his necessities and put money asside all i see if women buying themselves things and their kids are sitting in the cart with clothes that are too small, dirty faces, runny noses, you name it.. god id be so ashamed leaving my kid sticky and dirty especially in public...
I survived as a 21 year old mother, but certainly I was not the best mother I could have been. I had a well paying job and lived alone and did not receive any help beyond what any new mother receives from family (baby gifts and so forth).
I wish I would have waited, I thought I was ready. I got pregnant accidently and went through with the pregnancy. I don't regret that child, but I was not ready despite what I told myself at the time.
I lacked the maturity that a few more years would have brought. I made different choices than I would have a few years later. We change as we age.
im not saying that young moms arent good moms but im saying that they would be a LOT better prepared and their children would have a better start if they (young girls ttc) waited at least till 20something that way their parents hopefully have gone to college and chosen a good career and fully set up a house and great enviornment for their children.
i dont regret my son at all what so ever, hes the best thing that has EVER happened to me. but it would have been a lot easier on myself and my mother if he came through a little later in life, becuase now im struggleing to go to college (handing in that check today as a matter of fact) comming up with the money for his daycare, among a giant list of things. and because im not on my own, all the things that come along with a baby takes its toll on my mother
I am greatful I had my family to help out.. my parents did ALOT...they say there is help out there..some people got over 900$ in startup for a baby from assistance while I got nothing...whatever...my ex bought alot of baby stuff and i was given alot of things.. my mom,dad,gramma(she had money left in her purse...she was dead set on buying me this specific stroller/carseat) my uncles and aunts everyone on my moms side put what they could whether it was 50 dollars...and i got the stroller/carseat my gramma so dearly wanted me to get...like my mom said she wasnt able to see whatelse we got for the baby but at least she saw the stroller...she would have been proud but anyways.. my parents also paid for the paint for the baby room and the bed set...my uncle(dad's brother) bought the crib...so i was VERY lucky...i have extremely good family and one day i will return the favor...we bought 2 laptops(my mom and dad and it came up to 980 with mine and theirs VERY good deal..mine because they made a screw up, i would only have to pay 300 for a 2 yr warrantee, my bag and my laptop..originally it was supposed to be 597 with 100 off but when scanned it was 597 with 497 off but we didnt realize..we asked the guy why it was so cheap and he just said oh the computer rang it in...anyways i will pay half the bill 500$ to my parents since i had budgeted 800 and i needed one come sept for school...they have helped me out and if i can i repay them.. i appreciate all the help...
i can say without the help we received(we continue to receive even though we are doing quite fine now) i wouldnt have known what to do...We planned the pregnancy but you know most people doesnt take their second cycle off the pill to get pregnant...AND i was supposed to be done school and hopefully working by the time it happened...
I think I am a fairly good mom...I hope so anyways...I mean Cameron has more than he needs and he has so much love and i couldnt be any happier to have him.. When times got hard I thought about how easier it would be without a baby but that simply wouldnt be CamCam...I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world EVER...but at 16 I wouldn't have been able to do this.. without support.. i mean i have been the only person he's really been around and he's never really gotten babysat.. I can count on one hand which might be a mistake but I am greatful for the time I got to spend with him during the first year...Going back to school will definately be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do but it's for my son...
Kim it's nice to see how you realize the effect of you having a child has had on the people you reside with...I am alone and have been for 4 years...hence why i didnt really want to move back in with my parents.. i love them dearly but...i couldnt have imagined.. it would have been hectic i think
This is a great post KStarr. I got pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20. Being a single mom has been an uphill battle ever since. Finishing school, getting a job, dealing with my son's father, and the issues of child support and struggling with a tight budget. I've done well, but it is NOT easy.
First of all, most boyfriends that young girls are "head over heels in love with" are still just boys. Most of the time, their maturity level is still at that of a 12 year old boy's even though they're 16 or older (sometimes even well into their 30s it seems!). They may have the best of intentions for wanting a baby, they may not, but the fact of the matter is that when the struggles and hormone changes happen before and after the baby is born, a lot of guys are either gonna want to bail out of the relationship or they're gonna be the ones that the mothers are eternally frustrated with and complaining about because they just *don't get it* and they almost *never* help out.
Secondly, I wonder if these teen girls realize what it's like to try to get or maintain a job with a baby. Like it or not, BABY=SOMEONE NEEDS A JOB, and that someone is probably going to be the mother. And like it or not, Baby's financial support should NOT have to come from Grandma and Grandpa or the state. It should come from the baby's mother and father. They MADE the baby, they wanted the baby, they SHOULD be 100% responsible for the baby. That's almost never the case though, and it seems a lot of young girls have no shame in accepting the bulk of financial support for their child from someone other than themselves or their boyfriends/husbands.
Also think of this, because this is a harsh reality: it's much harder to get a job when you're pregnant or as a single mother, because #1) Employers know you'll need time off to birth the baby and recover. #2) Single moms need time off at least *once a month or more* in order to care for their kid(s) because they're sick or the daycare is closed for a holiday like Columbus Day. Then the next week, you have to take MORE time off because you got sick from the kid(s).
Then let's be realistic about job opportunities. On average, it's going to take $30K or more a year to *successfully* (but not easily) support just yourself and your child. Your opportunities are a whole lot better for that salary or above if you at least have a 2 year college degree. Better still with a 4 year degree. You need a high school diploma or GED to get into college. When you put a baby into the schooling mix, it's either going to delay any graduation or it's going to make acheiving a graduation quite a struggle. These education scenarios are difficult no matter how you look at them:
A) going to school full time and being a parent full time
B) going to school full time, working part time, and being parent full time
C) going to school part time, working full time, and being a parent full time
D) going to school full time, working full time, and being a parent full time.
Did I mention that being a parent is a full time job? You are on call and on duty 24/7/365. You carry a cell phone with you everywhere with your child's daycare number and pediatrician are on speed dial.
And like KStarr said, your social life is basically extinguished. You can't go to movies, restaraunts, parties, or most any basic social gathering without having to bring your child with you, and half the house in the diaper bag. It's so much of a hassle to go anywhere that most of the time, ya just don't. My son is nearly 4 years old, and I'm JUST NOW starting to get my social life back again, but believe me, it's limited. When I was pregnant and after he was born, I've had to decline whitewater rafting trips with my family and friends, amusement park trips, going to movies, and going to restaraunts that were higher-class than McDonald's. And if I was able to go even with my son, I'd usually have to decline just because I couldn't afford it--spending money on my son comes first, so I can't blow $40 plus gas costs to simply go to the zoo when my friends invited me, not to mention take more time off work.
Not only do you limit your social life, but your private life too. If you take your kids out in public and you've got to pee, they go to the bathroom with you. Ah, then the fun begins when your 1-2 year old wants to pick stuff up off the bathroom floor and put it in his mouth, crawl under the bathroom stall, or explore the little metal trash can on the wall where women discard their tampons and pads. Say you pull them off the floor and take the wadded toilet paper from their hand that they're about to shove in their mouth, and what do they do? They have a meltdown! All this while you're just needing 20 seconds to pee!
So I wonder, I really do, WHY kids between the ages of 14 (or younger) to 19 WANT to have babies, especially when they haven't finished high school or they don't even have a 2 year college degree or they're not married. I don't doubt some girls can do this and do it well and do it commendably, but the fact is, most girls can't, and neither can most young men. I'm referring to the "most" in this post.
i totally agree 100%. these kids on here are not even using their heads. they need to relaize that if they don't want to get pregnant why don't they just not have sex. it really is that simple. why are young kids out there trying to get pregnantor having sex to begin with. this is so stupid, i would also like to know what their parents think. i am a young mum, i fell pregnant at 17 and it changed my life completley. i have bills to pay, nappies to change midnight feeds, and all the other stuff. and then it gets worse, the bills get bigger, the clothes get dearer. and paying for school. all of this on top of trying to find yourself in the meantime. trying to live a life a teenager should have. go out have fun, but live life get a career and have fun don't go giving in to temptation, be a kid, grow up later.
Here, here KStarr07! My thoughts as a teen were very scary. I thought I was all grown and mature...until you hit age 25...then you realise how crazy some of your thoughts and actions were. You definitely think you are invincible! I am so thankful I made it through my teens without a pregnancy or STD's! I was able to graduate college and hang out with friends any night of the week. I even have a good career. All this could have happened if I had a child, but with my parents as a crutch! Now that my life is mellow, where I dont want to go out and party...it was a perfect time to have kids.
Yes teen mothers can be good mothers, but not without the help of many people. And you cant always count that your BF will stick around (and YUCK, I would NEVER want to be permanently attached to my HS boyfirend), so you would need to have your parents help out ALOT! Hell, I still have my parents help out and I am 28 years old. It is hard work!
I was (and still am) a young mom. But I've always been far more mature than my age. I wasn't the one out partying and sleeping around. I was at home giving my mom medication for her diabetes & cancer and doing the dishes. I think it's when you get into the 17, maybe 18, and younger crowd where there are problems. But some 18 year olds and on up CAN have the maturity. Just depends on the individual.
And I like what peekawho said about "giving it thought" because there is scientific evidence that a teenager's brain has not fully developed the "reasoning" part of their brain. Most of the time they are actually unable to fully think something through. That doesn't happen until their early 20's (and for most it NEVER seems to happen *chuckle*).
Obviously we know right from wrong as little children and we understand consequences. But actually thinking about the major things in life, all the way through---kids just don't have the experience or wisdom. I'll try to find the article I read about teen brains but I can't look at the moment. I have dishes and vacuuming calling my name!
Ok so somethings said I disagree with but for a good reason (in my mind any way) sometimes teenager's do things to get there parents attention or they don't care what happens to them IE drugs,wrist cutting,GETTING PREGNANT with out thinking about what could happen to the child or anything else And it's not there fualt they don't care to much **** happens for them to really think and for some people having a baby is a blessing even if they are teens it mite open up a new world of doors for them when the rest close so chill ok
"And it's not there fualt they don't care to much **** happens for them to really think"
Life is what you make it from your choices, even if the circumstances present too much ****. If they can't "really think" because of what's going on around them, then the last thing they should be *choosing* to do is have sex, because EVERYONE knows that sex, even protected sex, can result in pregnancy. If they didn't care enough to pay attention to the risk they were taking in choosing to have sex, then that IS their own fault.
"for some people having a baby is a blessing even if they are teens it mite open up a new world of doors for them when the rest close"
This is very true and a very touching statement. However, chances are that many doors will close rather than open in teen pregnancy. Not in all cases, but the probability definitely higher.
the reason everyone has replied to this, wether to agree or argue, is because you have a wisdom that literally requires people to halt their attention to ANYTHING you say.....that alone is a very large sign of respect, and you should feel very good about yourself for having that ability, and the fact that you are doing your best to make life for you and your son as best as you can.....not everyone can do what you are doing, esp with the things that go on in your life.....but after the event of your son's birth, you can do only your best, which is all anyone can ask of you!!!
another congrats on that handsome little boy, whos' famous for the middle finger!!! lol
I would like to hear more about froggys position. I would like to know how these 3 kids are being supported. We are 28, my husband has an above average job, I work at home and I am finding this very hard. Maybe hard is not the word...tight. I never went out all that often, but i have really noticed a drop in the amount I have gone out in the last year. I have noticed my friends not calling as much. It gets to be a lonely world and I cant imagine it being too "fun" for a teen. Everyone talks about the love that you get and give from a baby. You dont get love from a baby! You love him, do tons of work, for a lump to lay there and cry some more. I love my son and I know he loves me too, but I think there is a time for everything and your teen years are to have fun. To live it up. Our brains are made for that, our bodies are made for it. Your twenties and thirties are the time to enjoy this. I absolutely love this time in my life. This is the best time of my life, but I am very thankful for my free teen years and I can guarantee I consider the best time of my life my teens with a baby. I know I go back and look at things I did as a teen and regret a ton of them. I never want to think that I would have to look back and regret a baby. It does happen. You will always love your child, but you will eventually realize you missed out on a lot! Anway...froggie, please tell us more about your situation. I think you have strong opinions and I think the rest of us would like to know how you support your kids and exactly what you do and what kind of help you have. I am only imagining you taking on the amount of responsibility that my husband takes. Please prove me wrong.
been out of the convo last few days as ive now had my little boy antony :) again ild just like to say i didnt mean to affend any one with what i said i was just saying young moms can make it work, i totaly agree that its hard and i agree alot of young moms proberly would strugle more than an older women as there not all muture enough to raise a baby i was just saying some are, i know its not just a case of muturity, you asked how i supoprt my kids proberly like the rest of the ladies on here with great difficulty my boyfriend works as a forklift truck driver from 8 till 6 so its just me and the kids in the day but hes very supportive, he will do the kids for bed every night he reads to them he puts them to bed he helps alot with out him life would be alot harder, i did tell in an earlyer post that i didnt have a very good child hood and left home at 16 it was hard finding a place to live being able to afford the rent and bringing up a baby but i would never describe my experinces as a lump to lay there and cry more, i dont feel my kids are holding me back in life at all no i dont have the support of my parents my mother is an alcoholic and my dad who i was took of as a child for neglect is allways in and out of prison im not saying any of this for sympathy just to explain that i had to grow up very quickly and was already very mature at 15, i chose to keep my baby and i knew life would never be the same again but i knew ild be free from my cildhood and i knew my partner would stick by me, my second and third child were not accidents i chose to have more children as i felt our situation was right. ive just finished a child care course at collage and i have a level 2 in paretns with prosects it was hard money was tight but you just do your best and deal with it i know it will be harder in januray when i go back to get my level 3 ive been accepted at a nursery :) i have never regreted haveing my kids and so far since i left home these have been the best days of my life aswell. maybe in ten years time ill wish ild done things differently i couldnt say but at least i can look back and say i never took drugs and i never drank and at least i was happy with my life, i feel like ive rambled far to much allready so ild just like to say thank you to babyhardiman for her comment and suport, and again im not urgeing any young women to go out and have kids at all im not saying it worked for me it will for you im saying it works for those who are ready to give up there life to someone else it works for those who have the money and supoort to raise a child it works for those who really want it to work and will do anything to make it work, i belive you can do anything if you try and want it enough. Is that such a bad way to look at life.
I agree ... girls our age dont understand how hard it can be having a baby right now. Not saying I dont love my daughter because I do til the death of me but I know if I would of had her later on she and I would have such a better life.
lol wow... uh no I never said that. If you read the responses I agreed with those that said it can be done.. It's just hard. If you don't understand where I'm going with all of this there is no point in arguing with you at all. And there is no need for that sort of language around here. Grow up.
I agree that this thread should be left up at the top of pregnancy and under for girls to read before they start posting new threads that ahve already been posted about a hundred times.
I do feel sympathy for young girls who are worried they are pregnant though. I think the reason they come here is because its easier than going to the doctors and talking over the internet isnt as hard as talking to someone in real life. Though they should be encouraged to go to their nearest family planning clinic, thats what those nurses are there for.
As for young teens wanting to get pregnant...WHY? I mean im 19, had pregnancy scares and thought about becoming a parent now but went away and thought about it and realised that it would be a stupid thing to do right now. Im starting uni in september and no way could i cope, as much as i really want kids. My partner and i live in a 1 bed flat and its too small to raise a child, he is having a tough time at work so a baby certainly wouldnt help matters. Although i would have his support all the way i realise it would be too much.
So we've decided that after ive finished my 4 and a half years of studying (3 years nursing 1 and a half years midwifery) only then will we think of having kids.
Well done to all the teen mums here. You all sound like your doing a fantastic job and i hope teens who WANT to have a baby will read this and understand that they should wait until they at least financially ready for a baby...that means getting through college or uni and getting a a good job or career.
I stopped reading when I got to the first thing in all caps. No one or any age knows what it's like to be a parent until they are, and it's hard no matter how old you are. Also, being 17 and 11 weeks pregnant (quite intentionally) I really don't appreciate being ranted at about how immature I am for making an unusual decision.
i have to agree with the op. i'm 23 and my dh and i have 6 month old twin boys. they were planned (well one was....we got the surprised blessing of 2). it's hard. there are days when i seriously don't think i can be a mother. then there are other days when i feel like the worlds greatest mom. financially...for us it's not so so bad...we are fairly well off...but it's still expensive. in an average month...we EASILY end up spending AT
LEAST $500 on the necessities for the boys. between formula, diapers, wipes, baby food, juice, clothes, blankets, bottles, etc etc etc.....it's expensive. when we were first getting ready for them...for everything we got (thank god our parents got us all of our big stuff. cribs and car seats) we spent a good 2k-3k on getting ready for them (and that was with us getting a lot of our stuff at the baby shower to). we haven't had a "date" in about 4 months. if we go out...we have to make sure it's family friendly. we can't stay out late with them because they get fussy. no more partying nothing. so being a parent is a hard job. but...i love it. i do love having my boys. while my friends are out at clubs, dancing and drinking.....greg and i are home with our boys. we don't mind it. we're used to it now. we had a few years of partying already. we had a few years of being carefree and irresponsible. we got to live exciting lives. while some of you ladies are only 15,16,17 years old. you won't get to have those carefree years. those nights of getting completely sh!tty with your best friends and going out dancing. you'll be tied down at home with a baby. and saddly most of you will end up being single moms. at 15,16,17 even 18,19 or 20 most guys are not ready and do not want kids. they want those carefree years. it took my dh and i 2 years to even agree on having kids. we were 22 when we got pregnant. even if they say oh i want one, i love you, i'll never leave you...i've seen so many of my friends go through it. the guy tells them their line of bs. they get pregnant and now are single moms, 21,22 years old....with 3,4 year old kids. they have no lives. didn't get to finish school (h.s or college) and struggle everyday.
so as the op stated....really think about it before getting pregnant if your are ready for it. emotionally, physically (it is hard on our bodies to be pregnant) and financially for supporting yourself and a child.
im a bit late in posting but just wanna add my comment!
i totaly agree that teenagers having babies is hard for them in all aspects but u have to take in consideration that not ALL teenagers find it hard being a young mum,
my friend got married and had a baby at 17, now shes 18 and her son is 6 months old and she could not be happier, her husband is away with the army alot but she copes, her son has to have a minor operation on his eye but my friend is fine about it (obv worried, any mum would be) but what im trying to get across is that not everyone is the same.
i think that some teenage mums are grouped with the rest that struggle if you understand me? there are some teenage mums that cope really well and are happy.
i always have to say the oposite cause im part of the stereotype that is different.
but i TOTALY agree with people asking on this forum if they are pregnant or not. WE CANT TELL YOU!
it drives me crazy, "is there a chance im pregnant" well if you had unprotected sex then YES isnt that just common knowledge?
im not ahving a go at anyone im just saying not everyone is the same so take into consideration the people that are different.
did i saw all guys?? no i said most. most is not all. the two guys you dated were rare. i know PLENTY of girls who got pregnant between 15-18 years old and the daddies are nowhere in sight. hell i know girls over 21 who's guys didn't stick around. like i said MOST guys don't stick around. and again most is not all. i know guys who would stick around. who if they got their g/f's pregnant would be upset but wouldn't run out on them. but those guys don't make up the majority. so please...read carefully before saying you "hate people like me". hate is a strong word and should not be used so carelessly.
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