Open Adoption

[NicoleLauren]

I'm having such a hard time right now. Yesterday I was granted a temporary restraining order against my ex, the father of my child (I'm 4 1/2 weeks pregnant). However, today I went to court and the restraining order was denied because he never physically abused me (he emotionally/verbally abused me, pressured me into sex, and threatened to stalk me if I ever left him). He commented offhand to the judge (yes, he showed up) that he was going to seek an attorney's help in order to find out if I have terminated the pregnancy or not, since I won't tell him. I understand that right now he has no rights to me because the baby is unborn, so technically it is in my full custody. However, when the child is born he will have some rights. I am afraid of this man. He has an explosive temper, and I've seen it directed at everybody, even his children. I do not want my child to be put in that kind of situation. Also, I don't believe he is fit to be a parent, although he has kids already. He smokes weed way too much, deals weed and pills to a few people, has no job and barely any money, has a record, has been on probation and spent a night in jail. I do not want my child to be partially raised by a man like that. I want my child to have a good life. And although I want more than anything in the world to keep my baby, I could never do anything to jeopardize its happiness in the future. I don't think this situation is a good one for a child to have to endure. I was thinking about open adoption, where I would go to an adoption agency and help choose the parents-to-be of my baby. Throughout its life I would be given updates on how it's doing, be allowed to contact it, and be able to see it from time to time. It would know who I am and why I couldn't raise it myself (I call my baby "it" because I don't yet know the gender, it's too soon to tell). Does this seem like a reasonable compromise for my situation? This way I'll know my child is in a good home and in a better situation than the one it would be in if it lived with me.

I was wondering if anyone knew if this is "legal" to do. I would be making this choice before the baby is born, when I have full custody over it and the father has none. As soon as the baby is born, it would go to its adoptive parents. But would I legally have to tell the father of my child that this is the option I chose if he brings me to court? Would he be able to stop me from making that decision? Would he be able to stop the adoption? Would he be able to contact my child? I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby.

[babyscience]

I think open adoption is great...if you cant raise the baby yourself.  The only question I have about it is....If the father wants the baby and he has already stated to the judge that he wants to legally know if you terminate...then dont you think he can fight for the baby if you decide to adopt out and he wants it.  This is also a confusing choice.  Definitely talk to a lawyer about all your options of parental rights.  I would hate for you to give up your baby for this man....if you can truly take care of it and you want to take care of it.  If you are partial about it and think you may not be able to take care of it, then adoption is a wonderful route!

[Kim1989]

if hes as minipulative as you say he would tel you he wants a baby. im trying to say to you all the things your saying about him dont add up! he doesnt seem like he really wants to have a baby. and im sorry but EVERYONE cares about money. hes moare than likely putting up a whole front. thats what my babys father did. most guys are full of ****! i dont belive for one second that he would honestly want a baby....and sometimes i swear it was just to make me miserable. and i kno what your saying i didnt and dont want my son around his father either but you youself just said " And as much as I want to raise this child..." sounds to me like you really wouldnt want to give you baby up for adoption"

and i said it before but it sounds like your  choosing adoption just becaue of this guy. because you will be making a choice out of fear and not what your heart wants.

so you dont have a steady job right now and stuff but most people dont and their fine. i kno youve posted madd times on this forum in just a week alone and one was about your parents wanting you to have an abortion or something....i didnt read it all tho, but im sure if you were in need your parents would be there to help you.

[JoyRenee]

Well remember Nicole, we're here to support you and that you still have time to decide what you want to do. I don't relate abortion and adoption. One is taking away your child's chance at a life and the other is giving your child a chance to live. However I DO believe you could make it work so that you could keep your baby. Keep your chin up, look at your options, and know that we're here every step of the way if you need to vent or bounce ideas off of us. Okay?! Feel free to PM me anytime, also, if you want.

[NicoleLauren]

He DOES want this child. He's said it many, many times. He doesn't care about money; he thinks he can support children just fine on welfare. He'll just ask for an increase in his state money, however he managed to get that approved. And yes, at first the idea of having a child was appealing to me, and it still is. But I'm scared for this child. Even visitation rights would be difficult. I'm moving to SC within the next year and the father lives in New England...visitation rights wouldn't even work out. And after I agreed to have the baby with him, I soon after changed my mind. I didn't tell him, I just tried to fight him off when he wanted to have sex all the time to try to conceive. I'm not blaming him, I know I made this mistake (I'm not calling the baby a mistake, I mean my mistake was not telling him that I had changed my mind). And as much as I want to raise this child, I don't know if I could give it the life it deserves. I have not yet finished school (I graduated high school, but never finished college) and don't have a steady job at the moment. I don't have the money to support a child right now. I know I could get it, though, so that's not the issue. The issue is the father. I don't want this child to have to deal with him in any way whatsoever. And you're totally right, I am scared. I'm terrified. I want my baby to have the best life possible, and right now I don't know if I'm the one that can give it what it needs most, and I know its father definitely can't do that either.

[Kim1989]

him having no money is more of a reason why they wouldnt want him to have the baby. i really dont belive he would want another child whens he on welfare, has other children, has to pay child support, can barely pay it as it is. i didnt want my son having to live with his father but as of right now....my son will never live with his father bcause his father doesnt want that and has said things to give me more reason why he shouldnt live  with him. if you want to give your baby up thats on you but as long as YOU want it rather than because your scared and hormonal. you might not want your son living with your babys father, "a man like him" but your the one who tried to have this baby. you knew what you were getting yourself in to. you do kno that if you have hard proof of how he is, then you can ask for him to only get supervised visitation.

and im saying this all to you because i can....because ive been in a situation very similar

[NicoleLauren]

Here's where this gets difficult. He did want this child. In a way I feel he manipulated my mind, because I agreed to try to have a baby with him when I knew I wasn't ready (I later changed my mind but was afraid to tell him). He wants this baby very badly, even though he doesn't have the money to take care of the children he already has and is living on welfare. He has already been to court and jailed for not paying child support for his son. So that's what makes this difficult; he wants this child. There is no way I will be able to get him to give up his rights. There is also no way I will ever let my child be in his custody. I'm thinking about open adoption because I want my baby to grow up happy, healthy, and in a good home. If there is any chance the father could get partial custody, my child would be subjected to a home that isn't fit for a kid. I do not want my baby raised or even visited by a man like him, and the only way to protect my child is to give it a home where it is safe. I'm thinking open adoption because I would still be allowed contact and pictures, and I would know that my baby is ok. I could never handle a closed adoption.

[Kim1989]

its like the same thing with an aborition. your against it but you babys father might be all for it and your terminate the pregnancy because hes threatening to hurt you or make you miscarry or leave you. you would be terminating the pregnancy because HE wants you to. not because you want to. you have to live with it....he does to but clearly he doesnt care. your body goes thru it. your mind is effect much more.

its the same thing with your situation.


like my babys fahter was abusive. he still is verbally abusive. he told me he would make my miscarry. make me have an abortion, take him from me when i had him and then put him up for adoption, etc.  then when i was due, he told me he wanted to see him, didn then did then didnt. then after he came he told me my son was going to have a new step mommy and he was going to get partial custody of him, and then he didnt want anything to do with him, then he wanted us to get back togethr if he found out he was his (wich his is and told him he was too) then he changed his mind. now he wants nothing to do with my son.......POINT IS GUYS MAKE THREATS WHEN IT COMES TO BABIES JUST TO GET WHAT THEY WANT. IN THE IN ALL YOUR BABYS FATHER PROB WANTS IS FOR YOU TO HAVE AN ABOIRTON SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO SHELL OUT MORE MONEY ON A CHILD HE DIDNT WANT!

[JoyRenee]

Kim, that is an EXCELLENT point! I was thinking the same thing but didn't know exactly how to word it. The decision is still yours and you've got plenty of time (almost a year) to decide what you want to do. Things could change. He could end up in jail, you could move, etc. I hope that things work out!

[Kim1989]

i dont want you to choose adopting just becaue of this guy. because you will be making a choice out of fear and not what your heart wants

[JoyRenee]

You can definitely do open adoption. You also have the option of closed adoption (it'd be very hard for you to find baby or baby to find you in the future as birth and adoption records would be sealed).

However, I have no idea if he has a say in the adoption process. You will need to call an adoption agency (look in the yellow pages under ADOPTION or ABORTION ALTERNATIVE) and just ask them over the phone if the father has to sign away his rights as well. Depending on what they say, explain that they are abusive and a druggie.

Otherwise I would work really hard at getting him caught selling drugs. That will put something on his record, making him unfit as a parent and hopefully you'd be able to keep your baby or give them up for adoption without the father's consent.

Every state's laws are different. The only thing you can do is call and ask! Also, there are maternity homes for young women, especially those who feel they are in an unsafe environment. If you are able and willing, check one of them out (a crisis pregnancy center, also listed in the yellow pages under Abortion Alternatives) and they should give you an address or phone number.

You'd be able to stay, safe, at the maternity home and figure out all of your options, with their help!