What would YOU do?

[NicoleLauren]

Some of you already know my situation. I left the father of my child (I'm 4 1/2 weeks pregnant) last week, because he became emotionally and verbally abusive and very controlling and manipulative. Since then he has been harassing myself and my friend, and today he texted my mother as well. I went to the police department and got a restraining order issued.

I do not believe in abortion. I think it's a horribly wrong thing to do under any circumstance; there is no reason to punish an innocent baby. Therefore, I will not terminate my pregnancy. Ideally I would like to keep my child and raise it myself. Though it'll be incredibly difficult to do by myself, it's something I'm willing to put my heart and soul into for the rest of my life. After all, it is my child. However, I do not want my child or myself having to live in fear that its father will one day show up and try to take it away. He is an unstable man with a horrible temper, and I will not have my child around a man like that. I know if he finds out I have the baby, he will be entitled to be a part of its life. If not partial custody (he could never get sole custody, I know this for sure), he would have visitation rights. That would be so hard on me and I'm betting on my child as well. The only other thing I can think of is open adoption, where I choose the adoptive parents and am allowed contact with my child as it grows up. It will know who I am, why I couldn't keep it, and I will be able to keep in touch. This seems like a good option, only I know for certain that it would absolutely break my heart to know I had a child that I wasn't raising myself. Also, I feel like that would be punishing me. The only reason I wouldn't be able to keep this child is because of the man that fathered it. I'm so stuck; I have no idea what to do. Any opinions and advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[JoyRenee]

The laws will depend on where you live and whether or not he is even granted any sort of visitation with his children. I lived with my mom in Iowa growing up and my dad lived in Missouri. He had to make the drive to come visit and/or pick us up to visit. My mom had custody but he was allowed to take us to Missouri for weeks or even months (during the summer). Which was okay with my mom. My dad wasn't abusive like your baby's father seems.

Anyway, my dad always worked while we visited and we hardly had any food because he was not very well off. So by the time I was 15 I made the decision, on my own, to not go for weekly/monthly visits anymore. As it is I see my dad every couple of years and we talk on the phone at major holidays and that is it.

I think this guy is manipulating you with fear and trying to see what he can get away with. That is what abusers do. Take what he says with a grain of salt. Keep your baby, focus on moving and getting your life together, and forget about him. If he comes after you for the baby, deal with that then. Courts award custody to the mother unless the mother is a drug addict, abuser, neglegant, etc. So don't even worry about that.

[Kim1989]

Will I then be required by law to move back so that the baby will be closer to its father?

*No! thats nuts. if your moving to a better living situation, or because you can get a
better job or stuff why would they make you move back.

Will I have to pay for its father to come out and visit the baby?

*no if he wants to see his child then he has to come to them. your not doing anything illegal by not paying for him to come see his baby. if he wants to see his child he has to come up with the money and or transportation to see he baby

What will be the laws there?
It depends on where you moving too

you need to talk to a lawyer or someone who knows the law and you will feel much better about the situation. your still really early on your babys not even the size of a penny! and glad to hear you stoped smoking weed

i know you say you dont have proof, which *****, but its not like your totally out of luck.

[NicoleLauren]

And another thing, he wants this baby REALLY bad, even though he doesn't have the means to support it. He would never relinquish rights or stop fighting me in custody battles. I don't want my child to be raised with its parents fighting over it all the time.

[NicoleLauren]

No, he can't take my baby away, but he could be granted partial custody or visitation rights, and I don't want my child in the home environment he lives in. He lives with two alcoholics, his mother and brother, and there are people over there regularly getting drunk. He smokes weed in front of his children, saying he's smoking a cigar. He sometimes leaves his daughter alone with people who are drunk. He cusses around and at his children. He yells at his daughter for no reason. He keeps knives in reach of his kids. He has a horrible temper. He sells weed to his son's mother. He lives off welfare. He has no money, so he can hardly ever afford the things his children want or need (he uses food stamps to buy food). He doesn't have a working car or means of transportation. He has a criminal history record including drug charges, he's been on probation and he has spent time in jail. He has not paid his child support for his son regularly. His son and daughter have to share a room when they're at his apartment at the same time. He lets them listen to music that is totally inappropriate for children their ages and subjects them to things they should not be subjected to, like foul language and drugs (weed). I do not want my child to be in an environment like that. I've always imagined raising my child in a clean, neat, quiet, child-friendly home. That's not what his apartment is. And granted he may not have sole custody, but he will have some rights over the baby.

And here's another issue: I want to move 5 states away, before the child is born. Will I then be required by law to move back so that the baby will be closer to its father? Will I have to pay for its father to come out and visit the baby? What will be the laws there?

Also, though I have all of these things I can say against him, I don't have documented proof on some of them, and I know he won't admit to it (like for instance that he steals and smokes weed in front of his children). When I bring these things up in court I know he will say I am lying just to get custody of my child, and I have no way to prove the truth.

I know I am more than able to raise a child. I'm wonderful with children, I'm mentally stable, I have the family and financial support I would need, I have no record except for a speeding ticket, I've never stolen. I did experiment with drugs in the past, but that is far behind me. When I suspected I was pregnant I stopped smoking weed (which was the only thing I was involved with) and have vowed to remain drug and alcohol free, even if I do choose an open adoption for my baby. I have been through more schooling than the father, have a bigger support system, and though I'm considerably younger, I know more about how to raise a child. I could do this just fine. My only fear is him, the father. I don't want him to ruin my child's life.

[Kim1989]

he cant take your baby away. i am and have gone thru these feelings of being scarred and worrying about my babies father. it will get better. he cant not take away your baby, espeically if hes being abusive towards you.

[NicoleLauren]

That is what I really want, to keep the baby. But I don't want to live in constant fear. I'm almost afraid my fear that he'll find us and take my child away is going to control me and lead me to be too overprotective, which will ultimately make my child resent me. I'm planning on moving soon, probably before I give birth, and when I leave I plan on telling no one where I am. That'll kill me, because it means leaving all of my friends behind and having no one to confide in at first (until I make new friends), but if that's what I have to do to keep my baby safe, I'll do it. I'm just so stressed right now and I know I have to make this decision, but I just keep finding myself dead-set on raising my baby. That's what I really want to do. I'm just so scared of my ex and what he'll do.

[Linzola1]

It sounds to me like you really want to keep your baby yourself. I would not let him have anything to do with the baby, but in most instances it dosnt work out that way... The restraining order should be enough to keep him away or he will go to jail. I think you should follow your heart and do what you think is best, but dont let him make your decision for you. I want to wiah you the best of luck in whatever decision you make....