Ok, I know spring is around the corner, but I've had it!! I can't live another winter like this cooped up in a house for 5 months a year. It drives me crazy, I need sun and I'm feeling suicidal. I'm going away in May, so I have to get through this. I just needed to vent, thank you And I will be definitely going away next year for a few months, I need it for myself. Wow, I sound pretty bitchy :(
I've also been frustrated when I wake up in the morning. I am very groggy, I feel sick, and am usually in a clammy sweat! Basically it feels like I have the flu every morning, so it is hard to get out of bed! I seem to need to take my meds and then wait 30 minutes to get up. Do any of my friends out there have similar problems? Do you think it's all drug related? And does anyone have any good hints for helping to wake up and not feel so crappy? And be up and dressed before 11am! I aim for 9 but it always ends up being 11 ish.
Help me, help me, I am so down. I've been forgetting to take care of myself! That's how I know I'm getting depressed. I can't get my laundry done. It takes me two hours to shower and get dressed ( if I can find something to wear)
I'm dreading going to the store, I've stopped going to yoga, I've stopped getting massages and manicures..........
I don't feel like doing anything. Do any of you get this way too?
And March 22nd is a special day for me. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 3:00 am 1990. It was a long labour, with lots of back pain, wow foreshadowing, Once I was ready, I spent 4 hours trying to push this kid out. Then we went to a surgical room to maybe have an emergency Caesarian. But luckily she turned, and came out easily. We named her Jessica Maria, she was 8 healthy pounds. So tomorrow we will celebrate her 23rd birthday with her, and give thanks for being given the privilege to help raise this young woman.
This should be enough to lift my spirits, but I'm going to have to fake being a happy mom tomorrow.
I am so full of love, but the pain and med side effects , and the depression are taking their toll on me.
Please give me all your support and any helpful suggestions.
Thanks to you all, Sue
Oh Sue.....can i relate to your post......yes omhome and dalubaba are correct when they say " fake it till you make it" but depression is the gift that keeps on giving, just when you think you have a little bit of it figured out, it crawls into the dark recesses of your psyche or soul and finds a bit of fluff that has not been dealt with and it takes off running with a life of its own down a one way street of potholes and crevices.
I have had depression since I was a child and held hostage with younger children in a extremely tense situation involving loaded weapons and murderous intent. Fortunately the police intervened in time and the children, all the children were found unharmed and thus saved.
50 years later sueduva, I am still suffering from the depression of this event. But it surely does not have to be a big horrible event that happens for depression to occur. Depression as an illness carves its way into the brain, allowing less and less resistance to negative compulsive thoughts and negative self assertions to make their way in. This has been proved scientifically. So for instance, the Standoff Happened, I received no treatment at all, and then over the years, the constant thought patterns of " What should I have done", "What could I have done", along with the intense emotions of puberty and problems with feelings during adulthood just culminated into days and months and years of dread and sadness and pain. I am not a doctor sueduva, but all your symptoms mirror my own until I went into recovery in September 2012 and found this wonderful site with dalubaba and omhome and now you and other friends here.
I use journaling to keep a map for myself and reread it often so that if I come to the similar boulders and ankle traps I know what I did the last time to step away or around and continue on my journey...
I am wondering if you are under a doctors care or are receiving counseling. If you are afraid for your own personal safety I would say that this would be an excellent time for you to call a crisis hotline and just talk with an anonymous helper who is trained to guide you further in your journey....Please please know dear friend that I and WE care about you very much and are committed to helping you as much as we can....You can send me notes off the boards if you like, and I get here every day, sometimes I have things to say, other days I just read notes and then meditate.
There is also the Inner Spring which is available by shifting your focus to just Right Now Sue. I hear tomorrow in your post---a longing. I hear the past---the memories ---a longing. Both to escape the situation you think you are in now.
Decide just for right now to accept the situation. Decide just for now to smile and say Yes in the inner voice-Sue! Try it now----a smile--inhale a yes and imagine light like a cocoon around you. Feel "bright". Pretend it---powerfully. OK just enough for a second or two go ahead and feel effing Good Sue. Do it. Now. Really!
Ok---after you do that--p--post and tell me how it went. Important to post how it felt to you.
Everybody: yoga is to expand and lengthen the ability of the brain to hold that positive focus for longer periods of time until....!!!! om
one more thing Sue...........instead of saying to yourself or posting to us that "I am depressed" i want you to start saying or thinking "There is depression" or "there is grogginess" or "There is dread" . Not "I am such-and-such" but there is. It is a powerful and effective change and easy---remembering to change the statement is kinda hard.
Do not identify your Self with these dark clouds that always just pass on thru immense inner open Sky! All-inclusive Sky. Such a lovely Sky.
You can do it Sue and once you start believing that---well......yep........!!!!!!
i have had some scoff at the idea of creating a moment of "bliss" or "peace" etc. Like so what---i can't do it all the time---the bad stuff comes back later---blah blah blah the mind protecting its habit of worry worry dread fear blah blah.
Our mind's job is to search out the environment for any threats---to remember threats and pains and predict them for the future. So we survive. Normal to worry worry dread fear! I mean look at the environment!
Why not generate a mental-state of our own choosing? Worry when we need to. Plan---remember. Relax. Peaceful Contentment. Ease. We "set" the brain-mind for that bhava (emotional-devotional feel)......We learn to control the mind. We are adults now. Mature. So---yes we can do that!
No need anymore to worry worry dread fear all day folks. The lights are all on-----open up those eyes. Say Yes. Now.
Start the morning off by NOT reading the headlines in the newspaper or the web. I know I don't need any 'downers' to start my morning off before the coffee. I take enough 'downers' to sleep at night and depend of the coffee to do its job when I wake up in the AM.
Reading the headlines of the morning is enough to make me want to go back to sleep and put the covers over my head and forget the day existed.
Yes, coffee is a narcotic but I love it and I am proudly addicted but I can only have one cup (although I sometimes cheat during the day with one more).
Ah the sun is breaking and my coffee is kicking in. So nice to wake up in the AM.
when I was a teen, I read one booklet entitled "How to be Happy". Out of many points, the one I remembered and adopted was 'Never Read Newspaper". though I was a voracious reader, I did not read Newspaper till the age of 25. Never discussed politics with my co-students and friends. I had to start reading Newspaper when I started my career in pharmaceutical selling.
I think It became a necessary evil.Morning hours are full of energy in environment.And almost all persons spend precious hours in Newspaper reading. Yes we are addicted to read Newspapers. You are right about it.I am sure, if we do not waste morning hours, we would be doing more beneficial activities in the energetic hours.I was raring to talk about this. Thank you for raising this point.
you guys are right about those morning awake-alert-aware hours and how folks have been hypnotized into wasting them.
Those energetic hours are why yogis get up at four---some earlier---to meditate-chant-pray--etc...
In business or creative activities those are the best hours.
Hi omh, m, dalubaba, madman
Thank you, thank you for all your support.
I did make it through last Friday, even though I felt incredibly ill :)
My daughter and I decided to go clothes shopping, something I don't get to do very often. But she agreed to push the wheelchair, so coffees in hand, we hit the department store. Wow, I should have gone sooner. We may still have ice and snow on the ground, but it was Spring in the store. It was full of beautiful bright colours, and yes clothes :)
So we did a little retail therapy, and a nice time together.
Then in the evening we went to a pub, for food and beers (and I had a lot of fun). I did fake my mood at the beginning of the day, but I was feeling good in the evening esp after a few beers! What a good trick. It was a nice birthday celebration, and I made it through the day. Well, at least till 10pm!
My mornings are hard, because I feel so sick and groggy when I wake up.
It is painful to get out of bed, and I'm just in slow motion. I've also been waking up in the night with stomach pains. The laxatives are trying to get things moving, but I'm doubled over in cramps it is so frustrating.
I agree reading and watching the news is very depressing. Sorry guys, but some of the American channels have Anchors or tv personalities that yell at the viewers. Canadian news, which you wouldn't know existed outside Canada, is less sensationalized. I'm going to watch baseball this year, rumour has it the Toronto blue jays are going to do well :)
I missed the info on morning chats, but I'm definitely interested. What time for me, and just on the site? There should be a message chat, like on the iPhone, that's easy to use. But good, let me know the details.
Take care, Sue
I am clinging to this couch...
I so want to help.and need guidance thru the storm because omhome,dalubaba,m,mm, yourself..
Something higher is going to keep ticking out messages to better treat
Our predicament if we hang on!
You are not not alone..
I have the same almost identical issues...
You are not alone...
I read your post about your past.
I am praying for you to remember the good and keep remembering the good Remembrances, not the bad..
and I will be with you as we hold hands on the couch...
Thank you for your advice and courage regarding depression you put into words what I have felt but never dared share...
well.....i do not live in or any where near a "work" place. I do not "work it".....
i teach my students to have a "playground" attitude-feeling -like- "recess"---playground not workshop....------
And yes i understand the "if" i work it chant---i advise folks to use it--work it---oh yeah---all da time! HA!...
Now---icoulda-shoulda-woulda- friend-------what is the "it" i am being told to work?
And if "it" and "working" it really "worked" (HA!)...then why Hunger---!---Children Hungry!---oh----just work it .-----it will work? When did it ever work ?
Ok you guys---how about we continue this type of discussion in the ,morning? ...anything goes.....thank you icannot for you energy and honesty!....
would everyone rarher do ther "meetings" in the afternoon or early evening?
or not try and do them?
Whaddaya think group?
ok now let's get back to sue and her sharings and questions about feeling depressed and that there is no energy or interest in much of anything anymore for her (sue---let me know if i got that right ok).
Sue----yes i do feel those same feelings and "do any of us get that way too?" oh god yes i for sure do....i don't know about others in our group bit ib think it is pretty common because ofn the constant struggle with the pain---and fr some-- for tyher struggle to "put up" with the drugs....
So to answer your question----for mr----Yes Yes Yes--i feel just like you Sue.Pretty hard road huh?
yes i say work it etc.
for a purpose
as a joke?
yes i say that because so many believe "it"
if it did work?
so to be clear------said in opposition to the whole concept---to the whole world of jingles--talking-points......guru jargon.....understand?
Yes, I don't know if it is lack of interest, it is just so hard to get going in the morning. Esp. with the drugs, pain pills, sleeping pills. I wake up stiff and sore, my hands ache and I am so groggy!
To be honest, I spend some days in my pyjamas. I don't have the energy to get showered and dressed, unless I have a Dr.appointment! I really do think a lot of my "melancholia" right now is due to lack of sunlight and sitting in the sun. I find it amazing, when summer does show up, how great I feel. It really has such a profound effect on me. I do have a light box, and I take lots of vitamin d, but it doesn't work like the heat of the sun.
In the summer, I wake up and put my bathing suit on. I make coffee and sit by the pool with my dog and cats. Then I swim, and play in the water like a kid. I am free in my pool, I am weightless, I can swim underwater and do summer saults and handstands. And I love just floating and looking up at the blue sky and practice my relaxation breathing. I can be in the pool for hours.
And then I can also read by the pool. In the winter, I seem to have trouble concentrating, or the inability to get into a good book.
But this Easter weekend, I will try to read a book. I know if I can find a good story that I like, I can get lost for hours at a time. Distraction, still does help me escape my pain levels. Even going to a good movie helps me to get out of my pain, and escape reality for a few hours. The trouble is finding a good movie. I watched the movie about J. Edgar Hoover the other day, with Leonardo DiCaprio. It was really interesting, I didn't really know much about him, "being Canadian-n-all", he definitely wrestled with his own reality.
My pain pills, Ultram/Tramadol are starting to loose their effectiveness. I was needing to increase the dose, but my brain must be getting too use to this drug. So I am needing to switch things up? Unfortunately there are not many choices for me, so I've started to take 15mg extended release morphine when I wake up. It's only been a few days now, but I think it is making a difference. I was able to decrease the Tramadol quite a bit. But I still need to go to the pain clinic and tell them what I've done.
Here is my opinion on the morning chats. I think if we start with once a week at a designated time, that would be a good start. Chronic pain patients are terrible with schedules lol. My Dr. Complains about it all the time, we don't show up, we sleep in...... Unless its a flight to the Caribbean :)
So maybe we could say for example Mondays at 9am, west coast time, which would be noon in Toronto? We just have to figure out what works, and I'm sure we can do it. Then if one day a week works, we could try two days a week? What do you all think?
This coming Monday or Tuesday works for me, what about other people?What would be a good for everyone? Maybe we could meet at Om's house, and have a week workshop? I would like to go to a pain workshop in California, it sounds great, I can find the post and pass it on. But it costs around $4,000. for the week! Too pricey for me, and for chronic pain folks who can't work :(
But the program sounds amazing.
Have a nice Easter weekend, I will be selfish and pray for the ice to melt off my swimming pool :)
Love you all, Sue
hi sue----i knew i could count on you to show up and post! And i like your idea for a day or two a week---maybe with an "open mic" or thread for daily talks in real time. So good idea sue and let's see what others think. thanks again hon. om
I issued a search warrant for you pasting a message. You will find it another thread.
While surfing a new website on News, I read suicide story of 8 family members at jaipur(Rajasthan). They did Havan and expected God shiva to appear in person. As God did not appear, they took a sweet balls laced with poison. they have video-taped the process. two childeren are included in the above calamity.Mr. Sing is a free lance photographer and he was very superstitious. He used to dedicate his blood on shiva's idol.This is the story of Monday.
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