Hi. My name is Merri. I am a single mom of a really amazing 12 yo boy, Thomas.I can honestly say that he is THE reason for me still being here.
Today, I am not in a good place, emotionally, from this relentless pain I am in. I feel sooo many losses..of myself, my life, my non-existent one...especially feeling awful for my son, who used to have a very active, fun, involved and adventurous Mom. I am a feeling like I'm taking up air... Pain, medications, sleeping, not sleeping, more pain, tears, and more tears have taken over my existence...I don't feel like I'm living, just existing and I really am so sick of it.
I'm sorry I'm so gloomy, but that's how I feel right now...
I'm grateful that I CAN vent to people to know the "P" word/PAIN.
I have Multiple Sclerosis (dx in 99), Fibro (dx ?about 5-6 years ago) along with a Mixed Connective Disorder: a mix of symptoms of Lupus, Sleroderma and Myocysitis.... I used to have many flares of MS... in a wheelchair, unable to stand or walk for weeks..but now I'm just sick, so sick. And SO relieved this group exists! I
I have felt soo alone trying to fight through days of this chronic, relentless pain...which no one understands. I think my 12 yo understands more than my family...I have alienated myself or disconnected myself from my friends. I was a vibrant, happy and involved person..I'm sick now and can't do much of anything. I compensate and push so hard to be the Mom I am to Tom. I fight for him. I'm just glad he doesn't see me while he's in school. Because, when he gets home, I am Mom... and I do more than I can to be the best I can be, for him. It's worked, but you can't fake the face of pain or sadness. I do the very best I can, but I still feel like he's missing out on all of the wonderful things we used to do..the person I used to be is gone. That hurts so much. The loss of self...soo many losses...
Wow, I'm so sorry for the doom and gloom of this..I'm supposed to introduce myself and I'm sounding horrible.
I am going through a lot right now. I must say, I feel better inside knowing this exists...the couch! My sanctuary...heating pads(on my legs and back now), coffee, tv, tissues, and soft clothes, any clothes that aren't comfy feel like velcro on my skin.
I need some help, support-wise. My family isn't understanding. It took me being wheel-chair bound for 3 weeks for my father to actually know I was sick. I am definitely babbling... I'm sorry..It's a bad day
I hope you're all hanging in there.. Pain is so consuming and life-changing. I'm sorry if you feel lousy today.
Welcome to the Chronic Pain Couch. Your plate is not full...it's over flowing and my heart goes out to you.
There is absolutely no need to apologize for venting. That's why we are here..and we all vent from time to time. So you will have to bear with all of us at one time or another. :o)
Chronic pain and disease often finds us secluded from the main stream. Other's don't understand because they cannot. They may care but they are uncomfortable trying to find words to cheer us or support us. So they simply stay away...too bad because when we need them most, many run. What you are experiencing is not rare....but I know that doesn't bring you mush comfort.
Do you have support groups in your community? If you haven't looked I encourage you to do so. Your local county services may have lists available. They also may be able to offer some in home assistance if you need it.
You sound like a wonderful mom. Healthy or not your son is blessed to have your love and concern. Please feel free to post when ever you feel the need....or just want to chat.
Reading your post just breaks my heart. I can relate to you on so many levels. I have two children and they are often the only thing that keeps me going. I have had so many days when I've been on the floor crying in pain, wanting to end it all and picturing them is the only thing that keeps me from doing it.
My family also does not understand. I do not "look" sick. They just think I am a hypocondriac (sp?) and LIKE going to the doctor. It makes me so sad. I do not choose this and would give anything to go back to the way I used to feel. I try and try and do everything that my doctors tell me to do and every morning when I wake up and feel like I've been run over by a truck it's just heart-breaking.
You ARE a great mom. I've been on this site for a while now, but not on this specific board and I am also looking for some more support. Please keep posting. We are all here for each other and understand what we go through.
Hello Merredith, and Bless your heart. You are having to cope with so much going on in your life, and I'm sorry you are having so much unrelieved pain and so much sadness. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom, and you such a wonderful son. You 2 sound like you make a great team. I'm sorry others are not as understanding, or available for you. When a person has never experienced chronic pain, it is impossible for them to know just how difficult the trials you are forced to face everyday of your life are on you. Please feel free to visit us here anytime you would like because we are here for you.
Good Luck and God Bless Brenda
Hi there sweetie, you poor thing. I 'm so sorry for your pain and helplessness. It's terrible to feel how you are feeling and not having anyone to sympathise with you. Venting is most welcome on this site as I have learned and it helps soooo much to get everything off your chest. I know how you feel when you say that people think just because you don't look like you're sick that you're a hypo or making it up. They just don't understand. You are a fantastic mom and your son will always be grateful for even the smallest thing you can do for him. On my good days i do as much as I can for my children and husband and on the bad days, well they know how much I love them and am doing the best I can. Please don't lose heart, you are a special person who deserves love and understanding. Finding a support group will definately benefit you. I am going to a Christain Councelling Center to help deal with my lot in life and it's helped so much to keep me sane and to vent. There are many things I can tell them that I can't tell my family like there have been times where I wished I were dead instead of going through so much and bankrupting my family etc. They listen and can advise without taking things to heart as family do! I really pray and hope you find the support you need. Write anytime, we are all here for you. Take care. Linda
Hi There, I too am sorta new to MH, It has been alot of help and I have met alot of new friends here all with alot of the same PAIN!! I feel your PAIN. As they already said above family and friends seem to run the other way when you need them the most, Yes because you do not look deformed or sick and when they do see us it is on a good day with alot of make up on!! Smiles and pain meds!!!. I tought I was the only one in the world that is happen to. I am still learning to deal with it! So I hope you will too. Just know you will make some great friends on MH that care and will help you though the days you no longer want to get up. You are A GREAT MOM! It is the hardest job in the world, Just allways remember Tom loves you and needs you!!
Hi, guys...and gals! I apologize for not being on here..Ive been going through a few things!! uughh
I have to say THANK YOU!!!!! YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL, CARING, REAL PEOPLE WHO MADE ME CRY WHEN I READ ALL OF YOUR SWEET, THOUGHTFUL NOTES TO ME!! i APPRECIATE YOU, i THANK YOU, AND iM SOOOOOO GLAD YOURE HERE!!
iM VERY ILL..i DONT WANT TO GET ONTO THAT,,,i JUST WAT TO GIC=VE YOU A;; A HUG (((()))) AND SA THAT IT'S NICE TO HAVE REAL PEOPLE WHO "GET IT"!!
fOR ALL YOU WROTE, i THANK YOU AND LOVE YOU!
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