So someone please tell me that you have felt this way - that I am not the only one with a dirty little secret that you don't want to admit - I feel like I am going crazy - the least little thing either makes me angry or makes me cry or both - there are times I feel so overwhelmed that part of me thinks about getting in the car and just taking off - I know I could never do it - but I sure do think about it - there have even been a couple of times where I almost am resentful that we have Alyssa - hubby keeps saying its just stress and being tired - feels like so much more then that - give me a break, I've taught preschool classrooms where I was with twelve kids in a room by myself and didn't feel like this - I feel like the world's worst person for even admitting I feel this way but I don't think I can possibly be the only one who has felt this way - I just think no one wants to admit to it because it makes us less then perfect - at least that is how I feel - I just need to know that I"m not going crazy and somebody else somewhere out there has felt the same.....
It sounds like Post Partum Depression like wannabenana says but you are definitely not alone. I sometimes miss the sleeping in, I miss the days we used to go on vacation alone or the times we could just go out to dinner by ourselves or decide to go to a bar. Now its nearly impossible and I kick myself for not doing it more often when we had the chance. When Jayden gets so out of hand and difficult, I find myself wanting to cry because I'm just so frustrated and tired all of the time. So believe me, you're not alone at all.
I was also going to suggest depression. I do get exhausted and overwhelmed, but I honestly don't have thoughts quite like that. I thought long and hard about it this morning before responding, because I wanted to be as truthful as possible. There are times where I wish I could ignore them for a few minutes, and plenty of times when I wish I could sleep more than 4 hours straight. But it sounds like your frustrations and emotions are in a different place.
I appreciate you writing this, because in the desperate try to have a second child (the failure of our last IVF) I have gone almost crazy, and it helps me a really lot to remember that no matter where one is on the having-kids spectrum, there is going to be some aspect that is hard to take. In my rose-colored memories of his sweet little hand wanting to hold mine, etc. etc. etc. I forget how hard and demanding and sometimes tedious it was to take care of my son as an infant We have every reason in the world to stop trying to have another child (financial reasons, the fact that there are "no guarantees" - of a healthy child, happy sibling relations, etc. - , my own age and health, my husband's desire to retire some day instead of working like a cart horse until he draws his last breath and dies in the traces, the ease of one child instead of two) but I am still aching and crying every single day. Your honesty helped me remember the days when my husband would get home from work and I would just lateral him the baby and flat-out dare him with a glance to say one word about being tired or uninterested. It helps to ease the pain to be reminded that not everything about having a child is an unmitigated charming delight all the time.
So very sorry to go on and on about MY problem when this was your post about your problem. I just really wanted you to know that what you said helped me. I hope that you reading mine helps you say "Well, jeez, at least I'm not crying every day in misery over wanting another child and not being able to have one." You're definitely not alone in having a "mommy rough road". I would certainly see your therapist or your ob-gyn about PPD, and I would also start making some plans about preschool. One thing that helped me in the past when I was overwhelmed with child care was knowing that soon enough, at least some small amounts of my time would be my own again and I could at least get out for a haircut or a cup of coffee.
I know is MUCH much different to have one kid than two or three. But I still get overwhelmed with only one. I was never a children person. Ever!.... even when my nieces and nephews (SIL and bestfriend's) were born, I was not all that into babies.
It was up until I lost my first one that something just clicked in my mind and heart and I was set in mommy-mode immediately.
Sometimes Maddie can be a handful. For example last night, I think she was just TOO tired (could be that she's getting -knock on wood- sick?) and kept throwing temper tantrums ever since she saw me when I picked her up. There was one in particular that I just wanted to pull my hairs out (well two). I am carrying my child after trying to go to the restroom without any screaming in the background. Of course, there was. I go to the kitchen to prepare something for her, and of course, I need to wash my hands. My mother (it's like having two children I swear), comes over and tries to 'help' by taking Maddie off my arms. Maddie throws a MAJOR temper tantrum screaming 'mammaaaaa mammaaaaa' and throwing herself to me.... I got her back... and my mom goes: 'of course... (picture drama queen) not only am I rejected by your father, but everyone else including you Maddie'.
OH MY DEAR LORD!
I just wanted to slap everyone and run.
Instead, I just smiled and said: 'mom... DON'T BE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN!' I told Maddie to 'tell' grandma she didn't mean to 'reject' her, rather she wasn't feeling good and wanted mommy to hold her. She just nodded and left.
I put Maddie down and she, of course is in 'screaming-with-a-purple-face' mode, while I'm frantically washing my hands, trying to toss something together and heat it up all in 3 minutes... and .... *sighs*... yeah.... I don't think at this point in time I could handle two screaming humans under 30 pounds.....
I gave her a bath moments later... with same screaming and purple shades in her face... tongue fluttering in her mouth.... and tears pouring left and right.... stiff as a board...
But when I put her to sleep and she blows kisses to me... that's when I realize that, it's not all that bad after all. Like Brooke said, I much rather have this than the frustration of popping another pill and taking another temperature and still nothing.
Hun, we've all had those moments, but when it is that serious (I've heard the transition of one child to two can be REALLY hard) I think you could use some professional help. Nothing wrong with that! =)
The transition from one child to two is enormous and it is easy to become overwhelmed. Tristan was an extremely difficult baby and he made me question my parenting frequently. It was hard to see a silver lining in anything. In hindsight, it was definitely PPD.
I look at my boys now and am happy that my youngest is now 3 (today! Happy Birthday, Punkin!) and that I am no longer in the baby phase.
It is stuff like this that all those who have baby fever need to see before getting pregnant. It is not all sunshine and roses and even the best prepared mom can get overwhelmed from time to time.
I too have lots of days like this. Just this week, hubby was being a pain in the ***, my oldest was having screaming tantrums because I would not let him indulge in his current obsessive compulsive activity and the youngest was wanting to be Mr independent putting his own underwear on back to front and the shoes on the wrong feet and screaming the house down if I tried to help him at the very moment I needed to get out of the door with them. I could have quite cheerfully booked a plane ticket and gone right back home to England and told my selfish pig of a husband to deal with it all himself. At one point I just screamed "SHUT UP" to the lot of them and went to the bathroom for 5 minutes just to get some time away from it all.
I don't know if I am depressed but the winter months are nearly here and that always seems to put me in a funk. What I do know is that right now I am not happy with my husband for lots of reasons, that makes me short tempered and I know that I have less patience with the kids sometimes because of it. I feel terribly guilty that I don't always have the patience with my kids that I could have.
I am glad you wrote, least not so we can tell you aren't going mad and it does happen to everyone at some point. However if you can't pin point why you feel like this or it's getting overwhelming then it is a good idea to talk to your doc. A friend of mine had PPD and working with a councilor and having a low dose anti depressant has helped her loads.
Thank you all - I love my girls so much - my miracle and my blessing - and yup, sometimes I think if my hubby would help out more when he got home that would help so much - it's like this dirty little secret that nobody talks about because we need to appear to be these perfect little June Cleavers - well, trust me - I have NEVER vacuumed in pearls - in fact my carpets may go quite a few days without being vacuumed and there is a strong possibility that you might even crunch a Cheerio or two when you walk in my house and there are almost always a spit up stain or two that needs to be cleaned up - I do get frustrated because Abby was such a good baby and Alyssa seems to cry all the time unless she is being held - I do entertain these private little thoughts about getting in the car and driving away but I know full well that I would get a block away and turn around and come back to my babies - I think more then anything its not being able to control these crazy roller coaster emotions that gets to me - I am already dreading going back to work on Monday and being away from the girls - just have never had such crazy mood swings and such a feeling of being overwhelmed
Its so nice hearing all your stories and even though I know in my heart that everyone has been in this spot at one time or another - it's nice to actually hear that - I still remember my mom going into the bathroom and locking the door to take a bath for a few moments in peace - the whole time - she'd have four little ones outside the door knocking on it saying "Mommy? Mommy? She touched me - he took my toy - can I have ice cream?" My Mom's response was to yell through the door - "Can't I have a few moments of peace even in the bathroom????" Thanks for all your kind words!!!
So glad you posted this Rebecka! I haven't even had baby number 2 yet and your exact feelings are what has me wide awake when I need to be asleep! As many of you know, this baby could come anyday now...weeks early. I'm on bedrest and I hate it. I feel like it is ruining my entire set of plans. I can't go to school or work, I can't hold Max, I can't go out and enjoy the building of our house (that you all know I've waited forever for), I can't take photos for extra holiday cash, I can't carry out my maid of honor duties in one of my best friends' weddings...the list goes on. For as many times as I just said "I"...I know i'm being selfish, but damn it...I can't help it! I haven't been able to get excited about this baby at all. I don't feel the connection and bond with him that I had with Max. I keep wondering if it is normal because this is my 2nd and I'm just too consumed with the first? Am I going to have major PPD when I deliver? Will I show major favoritism to Max...because heaven knows I think that I can't love another baby as much as I do him! These thoughts just float through my head while heartburn floats through my chest every single night. It is causing me to go nuts and turn into a total b*tch. People keep offering to come over and help with things and I don't even want the company. People keep calling and asking "how do you feel?" Well I feel great physically......it's my mental stability that I questsion. I finally just started answering that way and people crack up. Glad someone gets a kick out of it. lol
Anyways, like Annie and others said...thank you so much for posting. You're not crazy at all. I would go in and see about being evaluated for PPD, though. I'd like an eval NOW and I'd like my Lexapro back asap!
I have had days where I have felt like that in the past but not day after day. It sounds like PPD but also just simply sleep deprivation, being overwhelmed and disappointed in the role your husband is playing with all of this and also the thought of returning to work. I worried what was going to happen after this baby was born up until a few weeks ago and now I have a new sense of comfort. I had some depression in this pregnancy and was very concerned that I would get PPD but I think I will be fine.
I also remember having my second child. Having Summer after Chelsey was the most challenging of all of my children. Chelsey was 19 months and I was SO overwhelmingly in love with her, our only child. I felt resentful to Summer, the new baby and how demanding she was of my time. I felt like I lost something so special with Chelsey. I was a mean person and I have never told anyone this before but my Mom came and got Summer and flew her back to MN (we lived in GA at the time) when she was 4 months old. I could not handle it and I was losing it. She had her for 6 weeks and would have kept her for as long as I needed her to. I then felt horrible because I didn't really miss her. But, I did do some therapy and got on some anti depressants. Things got better and having her back after that break was better. I haven't needed anything like that since. I didn't nurse my girls (can't believe it now!) so it wasn't a problem. She was a very, very fussy, demanding baby and I would cry when she would cry. I just didn't have it in me to take care of her and my husband was never home since he was in the military. We also had no friends in a different state thousands of miles away. I was 7 months pregnant when we moved there and got not one visit in the hospital after she was born!
I think of that time and now with this baby I was worried that I would be so sad that this baby would "intrude" on our special bond with Brody but gladly I am not feeling that way this time. I look at Brody and see that he will benefit so much by growing up with a brother, having a little playmate when his sisters all leave with their friends or to live their lives on their own and it just feels so right. Think of how much your girls will love each other and you for giving them the gift of sisters (:
Reno, I know that you were really uncertain in the beginning of your pregnancy but I promise it will get better. Once you establish more of a routine, once baby gets a bit bigger and once your hormones stabilize and you start getting a bit more sleep. However, I think (if you haven't already done so) it would be a great idea to sit your husband down and have a talk with him. Tell him you need to get out and that you are feeling this way and you need his help. Start having coffee or lunch or whatever you can think of with a friend, pamper yourself, buy a new outfit, get out of the house without the little ones and feel like YOU again. Every woman needs that, especially after giving birth!
You completely cracked me up....you know how many times I scream "SHUT UP". You feel awful because who tells their kids that but some days, it's just too much to handle. The other day I was so infuriated with my son I actually told him he was a spoiled brat....lol. Is that verbal abuse? He throws a tantrum and whines each and every time he doesn't get his way and it's so obnoxious. I never thought I would have a child like this. I always imagined, which I'm sure most of us do, that when we have our kids, they will be obedient and respectful and kind....HA! Right, dream world. You also killed me with the obsessive compulsive behavior...my son has the obsession with throwing paper in the toilet and flushing it, but it's constant and it's so irritating. I feel better now.
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