Last night I had a complete breakdown...

[dscoochie]

As I was getting my sons in bed, I was giving them a kiss and hug goodnight, and I just starting crying.  When one asked me Mommy, why are you sad (and I dont think little boys should EVER have to see that) I started bawling, you know, the kind where you make horrible sounds.  I squeezed them tight and held on forever.  They must have been terrified, my poor little guys!

Once I explained that I was scared, but told them it was okay, it was normal to be scared before surgery (is it normal to feel THIS scared???) they managed to settle down, but I did not.

I got straight into bed with my clothes on (how pathetic!) at 830pm and cried for most of the night.  When my husband came to bed, I pretended I was sleeping just so I didn't have to burden him, too, with my unbelievably low mood.

This morning I'm looking pretty scary.  People have walked by my office and can tell by my horrible appearance that they best keep walking!

How am I going to get through this next week until surgery? How are am going to get through this 3 hour surgery? What if its malignant? I hate those Hurthle Cells!!! What if its spread?  I dont want to die!!!  There arent enough scared synonyms for how I am feeling!

Am I beling overly dramatic, or is this normal?  

I hate to ask for help, but I need your support, please.

I promise to give it back tenfold once I am feeling better...

[dscoochie]

Thank you all so much.  

Last night was a much better night (well...I managed to hold off the tears until AFTER I put the boys to bed, and even so, there were less of them).

I am trying to take your great advice, give my fears to God, know that the surgery is half the cure if this is "c", know that my strength is being tested, and I AM WOMAN, I AM STRONG...well, sorta strong.

Again, you are the absolute most informed, amazing, strong, kind, positive, sweet (ENTER MORE WORDS MEANING WONDERFUL HERE) women in the world, and I dont know what I would do without you.  I pray that one day I can give back what you have already given to me!

MANY MANY HUGS TO YOU ALL!

Somewhat-less-scared Despina

[Thypatient]

We are here for you.

[worriedinmd]

I, too, had Hurthle cells in my FNA, but you'll be glad to know that the official report just came in today -- BENIGN! :-))

- viv

[ChitChatNine]

On the crying part ..............as they wheeled me into the OR that is when I began to cry as I looked @ my Mom .. the stare between us I will remember the rest of my life ... her look reassured me, all would be just fine and it was!

Cheryl

[MKlacza]

VERY NORMAL!!! I just had my TT last Thursday and I thought I was never going to see my beautiful 2 babies ever again!! I was so panic struck, I considered postponing! Please know that what you are feeling is extremely normal. i think it would be abnormal if you werent!! I had Hurthle Cells too and mine came back BENIGN!! YAHOO!!! Just take it day to day, minute by minute. Just tell yourself you will cross that path when it nears. You are in my prayers! To tell you the truth... the surgery was a breeze. Its recovery that has been a challenge for me!!! You will be just fine!!! Pinky swear!! :)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[skeeter42]

Oh my, yes it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling.  The night before my surgery I broke down and cried and my mom was also with me and told her what and where I wanted my boys to be if something happened.  I guess my biggest fear was the fact of maybe not waking up but I did.  I think that was my biggest fear because my doctor told me that he was pretty sure there was no cancer do to the way both sides of my thyroid was full of so many muti-nodules.  

It will be fine!!  You sound like a wonderful person and a GREAT mother!!!  You do need to take time for yourself!!

Everyone on here will be praying for you and those precious babies of yours!!  

Talk to you soon!!


I tried to send you a message but somehow I deleted the dumb thing!!

[whittie918]

I often felt bad at night time often getting a serious case of the "what ifs".  Maybe you can get a pill from your doctor to hold you off.  My mom was with me just before surgery and I just totally dumped on her and she really was there for me with strength, courage and positive thoughts.  I know I had cancer going in so it was easier for me I suppose but I was still afraid of the surgery.  In my case, surgery only made matters worse, it had gotten out and my thyroid was actually attached to my trachea.  

Keep in mind, for cancer the surgery is half the cure ~ rememebr that.  RAI is also a very good "cure" for this cancer.  It has a very high success rate.  I truly beleive that the other small percent left is for the most extreme advanced cases, old folks who get this who dont have a strong immume system and worse ~ can't get the surgery due to long term blood tinnner use.  We have an old (86) family friend who has this and can't get the "cure".  He was told he had 5 good symptom free years.  That is without treatment.  That to me was very comforting.

Sure, some folks need a few go rounds of RAI but keep the positive aspects in mind.  If it don't cure you the first time, it will significantly reduce and keep it from spreading.  Most of the foks I sourround myself with needed 2/3 treatments but did eventually go on to be cancer free.  Listen and ready ONLY the success stories.  DO NOT allow yourself to hear the na sayers or folks who only have negative stuff to tell.  Be careful where you go out there, most info is erratic and not correct or full of the facts.  

And finally, believe in mind over matter. Your mind can be very powerful and you must not allow the beast to wisper evil thoughts into your head.  Tell him to buzz off, you are in control and you WILL CONQUOR this!!!  

Trust me, I understand how you feel.  I have a 5 and a 2 year old who need their mommy.  I simply can not let this thing win, I have stuff to do yet.  It it wants to hitch a ride then fine, but I am not loosing.  I refuse!

[quincytoo]

I had my TT on Feb 19th and I was more afraid of the recovery part then the surgery or the fact that I might have cancer. I don't do lie down very well.  Everything came back clean,  they got all the bad cells. Five weeks after the OP if I had to do it again after all I went through I would :)

Peace of mind is a good thing :)

Thinking good thoughts and sending prayers to you :)

[dscoochie]

I'm surprised how many of you are more afraid of the surgery than the results.  I'm sick every time I think of the results.  I just dont think I can handle "bad" news, and I'm sure its going to be bad.  

That being said, I think you are all wonderful people, and God will bless you for being so supportive and kind.

Thank you is not enough, but a million thanks to the power of infinity might be.

I'm feeling a little better.  And when I get back down (and I'm sure it will come often and hard, I will reread your words of encouragement.

:)

[thyroidbride]

just wanted to tell you that I too was very scared before my surgery.  I mean extreme fear.  and like someone else who posted, I was more afraid of the surgery than the cancer in my body even.  what helped me was to try to think of the surgery as a healing event as opposed to a harming event.  like, the surgeon is there to heal me, he wants to help me.  believe me, this was hard to wrap my mind around as I generally don't like Drs.  but I think it calmed me down somewhat pre-surgery.  there is a meditation CD that I listened to called "Surgery and Recovery" which helped me calm down, if you are interested, here is a link:  

http://cdbaby.com/cd/gurgevich14

I am sending good thoughts to you.

[KelDC]

Aww, D, I'm so sorry you had such a rough night!  I think it's perfectly normal...we're on a crazy roller coaster of emotions, especially when they throw that "C" word in there.  

I'm with Cheryl, though - I'm more terrified of the actual surgery itself - anesthesia! no make-up (seriously, who wants the doctor scared to death beforehand?)! complications! -  than the results.  My stomach clenches just thinking about it.

Just remember - the odds are in your favor.  You're going to do great!

I love Shannon's C.S. Lewis quote so much I am making it my pre-surgical mantra.  =)

[scarlet37]

YES YES YES  all normal!!! Hang in there- waiting is the hardest part.


I just wanted to tell you that I had Hurthle cells too. And as you already know there is not much information about hurthle cells and what is out there is totally frightening- don't read too much into that. My endo explained to me that hurthle cells have increased in the numbers of findings amoung adults who have not even had radiation treatment.( I think mine came from all the teeth xrays i had. Dentists do not cover your neck unless you ask them too.) With all the technology out there such as computers,cell phones, microwaves, etc. there is an increase in frequencies which travel through our bodies. Same thing goes for food all those added hormones,fillers,etc. - when i was a kid a twinkie did not have a shelf life of 2yrs!!!!

My hurthle cell #'s were high and surgery took longer than expected but my report was completely benign, and I was back to work 1 week later.

Hang in there~   you've got this wonderful forum and tons of people to pray for and with you.

Peace be with you

[CatieC]

First let me tell you that everything you are feeling is normal and you will be OK. Your fear of the unknown and the anticipation of your surgery is kicking in.

But please know that you are not alone. I was feeling exactly like you the week and days before my surgery, which was last Tuesday. I am posting to tell you that everything will be ok. My grandma had a saying that I will never forget - "And This Too Will Come To Pass". And your surgery will come to pass and you will recover.

I am a person of faith and I believe in the power of prayer, so my praying and visits to our chapel helped me alot. Give your fears and worries to God - He can do all things. You are going to be ok.

Don't think twice about asking for help - everyone here is so wonderful!

[shannon828]

My mother just sent me this:

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it,
not without pain but without stain (C.S. Lewis).

[shannon828]

Gosh, I think everything you are going through is COMPLETELY normal.  We're not having surgery on our big toes here!  This is scary stuff, but with the love and support of those around us we will get through this challenging time and emerge as better and healthier people.  I believe this diagnosis gives us an opportunity to look at everything in our lives and re-vamp things, re-evaluate things.  I am taking the initiative to eat healthier, do more yoga and spend more quality time with my 19 month old daughter.  As terrified as I get about not being around to be her mommy forever, I somehow know that leaving her is not any option, that I will get through this and together we ALL will get through this!

That being said, feel your feelings, it's perfectly normal and natural what you are feeling.  Just know that your feelings aren't facts and that the perfect acronym for fear is:

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Hang in there!!!

[ChitChatNine]

its' ok .. you will be ok .. all that you describe is totally normal .. I will tell you something personal . I was more afraid of being put out and the surgery than it being cancer!!!!!  I continuously played over in my mind the scenario of them telling me in recovery what they found ... I played out the good/bad in my mind ... how would I ask them .. OTHERS in recovery would know before me .. I didn't like that idea LOL ..... and guess what my first words were after reciting the vowels for the Dr. on the table after surgery ... I sais, "whew, thank goodness I woke up" ..

So fear is a tricky thing .. you may not conquer it completely until you are done and healing ... it's ok .. better to let it out than keep it in ..

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU .. so if you look scary this morning that is okay ... nobody will hassle you today .. keep them away ... you may need a personal day this week to maybe do something for YOU .. like a mani/pedi or something for you with the kids in daycare or with their caregiver ... what do you think?  Maybe even a long lunch with a girlfriend or two ?

Hugs,
Cheryl

[worriedinmd]

First, take a deep breath. It's normal to be concerned, but you don't want fear to crowd out everything else in your life. You have regained some control of the situation just by scheduling your surgery. I have two sons, 14 and 11, who just watched me go through the same thing. They really do feed off of our emotions, so as a mother you have to be careful. I tried to limit my breakdowns to outside the house -- with a friend at work or church.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hide things from my kids either, i just soften the message. The youngest was a bit freaked out thinking I might have cancer (still waiting for the post-op path report). But the rest of the family reassured him that it wasn't the kind of cancer he's used to hearing about. We reminded him of his grandfather, a 15-year survivor of prostate cancer, who hasn't slowed down a bit.

If you are a person of faith, give your fears to God. They aren't helping you any, so why hold on to them?  

Good luck. And know that everyone here is pulling for you.


- viv