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595495 tn?1225479893

trigger - post RAI pitty party

RAi done June 5th 2008 ....feeling rather irritable and suisidal tonight. Want to self destruct and just burn the (deleted) out of my arms. This headspace is killing me. I dont know how much more I can take. next lab draw is the 2nd. Anyone know whats low enough to go the replacement?

Whats the magic number the doc's are looking for?

I am loosing taste and my vision is dramatically worsened. I am so psychotic I am a danger to self. how insane will they let you go before putting you on replacement? Do you get your sanity back once you start?

Im so done. I cant do this any longer.

to boot Im loosing my health insurance on Oct 1st. Lets play "stress out the crazy person".

sorry for the pitty party. Just need to keep my hands buzy so I dont off myself.

28 Responses
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Avatar universal
My heart goes out to you and I know it feels dark right now, but remember that this is only a temporary state of mind that is caused by your hormonal symptoms right now, and it will someday pass and it's not who you truly are.  I went through a really dark year where an integrative doctor put me on natural progesterone and told me that since it's natural, it won't cause any side effects.  What he didn't tell me was that it could cause depression in some people and since I already have that issue from Hypothyroidism (which I have only learned about this year), the medication took me to the darkest place I have ever known in my life and am still trying to crawl out of day by day.  

I only found out about it two weeks ago that what they gave me to make me feel better was causing the worst depression that lasted longer than anything I have ever known in my life.  Thank gooness that my new intergrative doctor caught that and I also started seeing a new EFT/EMDR therapist who is helping me w/ my anxiety and depression.  Thank God I kept reminding myself that my suicidal thoughts were not who I was and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other though it felt like things would never get better.  

Just remember who you are and remember that you are not this person that is brought on by the symptoms of your hormonal imbalance.  However, please let those in your life who are supportive and understanding know how you feel so that they can also be a support to you and your children.  

You have to tell your doctors honestly of how bad you feel and your suicidal thoughts and if they can't help you, keep going to the next.  If you truly feel you are going to hurt yourself, call a professional immediately.  I have never called in or used the people in the website below, but I saw them on someone else's website and kep their info. in case my suicidal thoughts ever returned and I felt like I was going to hurt myself.  

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I've learned that you have to go w/ your gut feelings and trust that you know what's best for you and that you will know when it's working b/c you will feel like yourself again.  

Hang in there.  Remember that you are the strong and courageous person who reached out to get help so you wouldn't hurt yourself, that is who you truly are.  There is light at the end of the tunnel eventually -- a wise friend once told me that, "When you feel like you are at the end of your rope -- tie a knot and hold on."

Good luck.  
Helpful - 0
393685 tn?1425812522
As I re read the posts I totally have faith in what AR mentioned too

It is so important to know your labs numbers and if you have them post them.

Your "TSH " may be still be ranging somewhere "normal"  It seems 3 months is a long time - but anything can happen with our TSH. Free T4 and Free T3 tests too would help knowing them too.

Everyone here on this post is supportive - and understand hypohe// ( did you know we call what you are going through that?)  :)


Be strong.
Helpful - 0
393685 tn?1425812522
You sound very similiar to me 6 yrs ago and yes I totally understand what you are going through.

I too was Dx with Graves disease My first Endo decided to not give me ANY blood tests and preformed a 35 minute breast and vaginal exam on me. Read my journal for the gorey details.

I left that office not ever to return.

The endo who gave me RAI only had me on PTU's for 1 month and made the decision to ablate my gland. I was not placed on meds for over a month and the med I eventually went on (at that time) was a untreatable for my condition)  After many attempts to get this endo to "help" me he Dx me with a brain anursym and told me to leave.

I had no medical treatment except a PA that knew nothing of thyroid disease

(again my journal can tell you alot more than this.)

I too had horrible thoughts as you - I lost a job I totally loved I lost my retirement and my insurance. I went into a coma due to untreatment and almost died.  I know the brain fog - I know the suffering - I know the thoughts you are having.

I prayed everynight/every day asking God why was I suffering.  I was undertreated for 5 yrs. I came to Med Help many times lurking at posts and was finally comforted by others who were going through what I was.

Two people here saved my life one night. Truely I owe them the little I have.

I did find strength to "FIGHT" for my health back. As weak and depressed as I was I got the help I needed and my hypothyroidism is under control.

Please listen. Utah's post IS the right answer. NOW is the time to act. I can't say an ER visit will solve it BUT they can test you and see you need meds NOW!

I totally honey know this story - Understand - you need any thyroid med you can have Rx'd to you. You need to start them now.

The RAI has ablated the thyroid and your hormones is what's whacking out on you - IT's NOT YOU.

Call  the on call enod or your MD or ANYONE who can assist you medically and beg for help.

Do it.


We will walk with you in this thyroid ordeal . My heart goes to you and if I can do anything - please let me know



Helpful - 0
168348 tn?1379357075
We are here for you ... please know that many were watching out for you and that means a lot to know we'll see you through this.  Having  been a CL for over 9 yrs, I have seen alot online .. 2yrs here on thryoid has given me the ability to meet so many people with so many issues dealing with their thyroids. ..I know you were reaching out for support with genuine feelings of despair and I am very enlightened to hear you speak of your history and focus on your desire to heal from this awful roller coaster of emotions you are on.  Don't let them pop you a pill if you have history on anti-depressents ... once they regulate your hormone you should be feeling better .. I hope this is soon for you.

Others here may have natural ways to help enhance the down feelings and feel free to post/ask and bring their suggestions to your Dr. on Tues!
Feel free to Priv. Message me anytime .. C~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good morning.  

I have been reading the posts and I am glad to see that you are okay.  I am also a Graves disease patient and I had my RAI late Dec 2006--just before New Years 2007.  When I went through the RAI, I recently found out that I had thyroiditis, and my (then) endo didn't even know how to diagnose or recognize it.  I was also on a beta blocker for my heart during that time.  I had trips to the ER, and chest x-rays at that time with no findings.  I was then stabilized, finally, on 100 mcg synthroid for 1 1/2 years, until my (then) endo upped my dose to 125 mcg and changed the brand to levoxyl (Jan 21, 2008).  That sent me into a tail spin.  I then ended up in the ER on May 13, had heart palps and breathing problems, wasn't sleeping, had a chest CT because the doc thought I could be having a blood clot in my lungs (which was negative) and an echocardiogram, which showed that I was tachycardia (fast heart beat).  I demanded to be changed at that time to Armour thyroid and I have since switched doctors and have found a good one that listens to me and will monitor me closely AND knows whats going on.  

During all of this, I was maintaining a high level position (VP. etc) in mortgage organizations only to find myself laid off at the end of November.  My insurance ran out mid March of this year and now my savings has finally run out too.  We are now in the process of trying to sell our house (short sale) and just filed for bankruptcy and having to look for a rental house to move into.    

This has been majorly stressful--and I completely understand what you mean about stress and no insurance on top of it.  I haven't yet been able to go back to work and when I do, I will be trying to break into another industry--which will be challenging too.  

With all of this said--I know how bad it is to have your emotions all over the place, and to even question why we were burdened with such a difficult illness and what it feels like to be tired and have these terrible aches and pains.  It would make anyone question life.  (oh yeah--and I have two teenage daughters!!)  BUT--I'm here to tell you that it can get better with medication and a really good doctor!!  You may need to research really good doctors in your area and I would suggest having a very serious discussion with the one you have.  

It will all get better, but unfortunately, it does take some time.  Believe me, I am the least patient person there is--my husband will attest to that.  If something happens to your job, it may be a blessing in disguise, with some bumps in the road, but you will still have your life and your children--WHO REALLY NEED YOU!!!  

There is always something that you can do when things get rough--like financially.  If the medical bills are too much along with other bills and you can't pay for them and if you get laid off from your job--don't forget about the bankruptcy option if you need it.  My attorney said that circumstances like that are what the laws were made for.  

This thyroid forum has helped me a lot as I go through the medication changes and the affects of the disease.  This is a great place to talk to others that are experiencing the same things and they have even validated my symptoms when my former doctor dismissed them.  This is a good place to be when you need support and affirmation of what is going on with you.  Please stay with this forum and use this as your support system in addition to your family--it has really gotten me through some tough times!

Please take care!
Helpful - 0
599954 tn?1227493985
I am also non medicated and have had horrible symptoms since May. I do have alot of emotional up and downs. You must try to find yourself a safe haven.  Go outside and yell and scream. Work on something you enjoy.  I myself enjoy almost nothing right now. I dive into my pool when I feel like that. Swimming is my safe haven.  Your  children, take them to the park or just play in the back yard.  Do something spontaneous to get your mind in another direction.

YOU really scared me last night.
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
You did the right thing. ANYTIME you come across a post from a person saying they are suicidal you should offer the same advice you gave me. You are reading the words you have offered to you and taking them for what is there.

and that is what was there last night.

Your advice was right on.

Your nephew is not correct. People do tell you they are suicidal. If your gut tells you to post with passion, listen to it.

You have no way of knowing my story or my history. You gave what you have to offer over cyberspace: concern, compassion and advice.

Would it help you to know that it was your responce that helped me refocus my spiralling thoughts last night?

Im a writer I KNOW the power of that word. I dont toss it about recklessly. I use it when I am in the headspace that caused me at 3, 8, 11 and 14 to attempt suicide.

Now if I was a frequent poster on here "crying wolf" every other week then so be it, you should put me on ignore and write me off.

Im a unmedicated post RAI person stuggling with the graves rages and dips into psychotic thoughts brought on my stress reactions and falling thyroid levels. I am a mama of a almost two year old and a 6 year old, a wife a gentle loving carring man. I am a human trying to maintain her sanity in the mist of this medically induced craziness.
Dont think you were played...and dont stop responding to others in the same situation because you hardened your heart.

peace be the journey

Paja
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
Morning. Finally after wandering the house for hours crying last night I was able to got some sleep. It sure doesn't take much stress these days to just shove me over that edge between sane/insane.  I am so intuned to changes in my body that I'm afraid that I'm still not low enough for them to say lets start the synthroid. I can't afford to have needless labs drawn, or ER visits. The reason I am loosing my insurance coverages is my company was sold. I may very well be loosing my job in Nov as well. (can we say STRESS!) We are drowning in medical debt as it is.

I am not allowed to make any decisions without my husband. I know my head isn't right currently. (and yes that includes the desision to off my self)

Yup the doc will be getting a "omg it is a psycho fax from one of your RAI patients" faxes on Tuesday.

I just need to hang on two more days. Then my nurse will be back from vacation and I can ask her if she will take over from the endo and over see my case. I can't do anti depressants they have a history of making me suicidal.

They are only checking my free T4, and then if the number warrents will run the rest of the panel. I am loosing faith in this doctor. He knows I have a history of mental illness!


Today is just a stay home and hide day. I dont have to work, I dont have to do anything but be a mother. That I can do.

Appologies for the psychotic message last night. I was doing what I needed to do to stay safe, and that was to reach out.

peace be the journey

Paja
Helpful - 0
599954 tn?1227493985
I should of realized this last nite. My nephew informed me last nite that people who are suicidal do not actually tell other people. I actually got sick when I saw that post last nite. Once I saw the "funny" response I got back from the poster something told me I had read into the post too seriously  and I will not ever do this again. You cant see the other person and the expression.  Dont cry wolf too many times.
Helpful - 0
369861 tn?1306275686
How are doing today?  I know today just started but want to keep in touch to make sure that you are ok.   If you can, have someone watch the kids for you and try to relax today for a bit, since it sounds as if you do not want to go to the ER.  

I didnt have graves, but hot nodules and I had the RAI treatment Dec 07 and the endo dr waited until I went into hypo mode before putting me on 100mg of synthroid and now 112.
I started synthroid in June.  So you kow how long I had to wait to start the next level.

I went through some of what you are going through, but I had friends and this family to keep me busy and my mind off what my body was doing.

Please keep us posted.  We are here for you.

Take care

Terri


Helpful - 0
291645 tn?1445338570
&%#*_+% i AM SO MAD I was put on 137 synthroid the third day after RAI when I left the hospital. I cannot believe that Dr.? My dear you must be going thru hell. What are they thinking??? sorry but this is not right....waiting for the right number??? You must get to the ER, another Dr. there hopfully has a brain.Please keep us informed...we are always here for you.
Helpful - 0
168348 tn?1379357075
How are you today?  Please keep in touch with us via post or PM .. we are here for you and can understand how you feel.  PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR or go the ER even on this holiday weekend .....

Let us know how you are doing,

C~
Helpful - 0
213044 tn?1236527460
Your Free T4 is not high at all.

Do you know what your TSH is? How about your Free T3?

It's possible you are still hyper, but you should be getting tested every week right now. A TSH and a Free T4.

You should be starting replacement hormones as soon as your TSH goes above 3.0, I would think.

Have you had your Vitamin D tested? Low vitamin D can make depression worse.

Hope today is a better day for you.
Helpful - 0
280485 tn?1249013844
Every MONTH???  :-O

Did you not get some sort of treatment plan before you had this RAI?  Do you not know the "next steps"?  Step up and take the reins of your own healthcare!  I'd be calling at least weekly, if not daily, based on the description of how you feel!  I've never heard of this treatment plan.  You said you are a writer.  Writers are not dumb (usually).  You must have some knowledge of how to handle a situation like this?  A writer would do some research on their condition and at least have a vague idea of what to expect.

There is always an on-call doc at every practice... ALWAYS!  If you don't want to call them, go to the emergency room ASAP!   You don't need to wait and see if you might die... I guess unless you wanted to...  But that'd just make you crazy.  And being hypo (without thyroid meds) for even half as long as you have been, can make you CRAZY!
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
Kids are in bed. Im heading there myself. night everyone

Utah, yup hyper/graves.

peace be the journey

Paja
Helpful - 0
158939 tn?1274915197
This is insane!  I take it you are being treated for hyper/Graves???  Let's hit up AR-10, this is his specialty.

Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
Nope they haven forgotten me, they see me every month, there waiting for the lab work to show I've gone hypo enough for them to know that the RAI did its job. I was just wondering if anyone knew the magic number...what constitutes "low enough"

Ya gotta love civilized medicine.

Helpful - 0
158939 tn?1274915197
You have been off thyroid meds for over three moths??   Are they nuts???   You should have been put on thyroid replacement meds within a week of your RAI.   Call your doctor's on-call number *NOW* and let them know how you are feeling and that you haven't been on meds!  They may have forgotten you and it is driving you (and your family) to unhealthy places.   Please, make that phone call NOW!

Hugs

Utahmomma
papillary carcinoma and RAI twice
Helpful - 0
536139 tn?1273185952
Whew...  Okay, then!  By the way, I hate thinking about my thyroid everyday as well.  I hope that goes away...  Be well, Paja, and PM me if you need me!!
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
bed dear one, I'm going to bed. Dont worry.
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
Graves with hyperT going back to the early 1990's, doc never treated casue they felt it wasnt bad enough (Huh?...what ever) when I got pregnate and it went less than 0.05 THEN they treated it..not for me though for the baby (gee dont I feel important)

after two kids and no sign of going into remission and being off /on PTU for over three years, I weaned my daughter this spring and did the RAI as the they hyper symptoms were gettign worse as the years were passing.

On the PTU prior to the RAI my free t4 was 1.10

August 6 my free T4 was 1.10 and the doc noted "not low enough yet"

realized tonight I dont even know what # they are looking for. Would bug the doc office but there closed.

I have a history of depression so the free falling thyroid levels are having a wonderful messing with my head.

Im well wrapped for as nutty as I am so I'm in no danger, plus I am a writer so I can make even a hang nail sould like a 911 emergency.

Im just DONE ya know? Im ready for NOT having to think about my thyroid every blinking day.

peace be the journey

Paja
Helpful - 0
536139 tn?1273185952
Just keep posting away...  Did you mean you were going to bed after the kids are asleep?  I'm WORRIED!!!
Helpful - 0
280485 tn?1249013844
Why in the WORLD have you not started replacement meds yet?  I don't believe I know your story...  Were you hyper and having abilation?  Or did you have a TT for cancer?  I'm not familiar with hyper situations only the cancer.  But I re-started meds about a week after my RAI.  If you feel that bad, PLEASE put an emergency call into your doc or the on-call doc or go into the emergency room!  You should be monitored very closely either way!
Helpful - 0
595495 tn?1225479893
If I ran off to the hospital every time I was suisidal I would live there LOL.
Helpful - 0
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