I'm 45 years old. At about age 38 I had a very stressful and traumatic 2 year period (courtroom drama and a lawsuit that I thought would win and destroy my life.) After it was all over, I tried to get back into life but found I wasn't able to cope. I was relieved, but I hadn't taken time to relax and I became severely depressed.
As the stress waned, something new happens. In any moment that I have a recall memory, especially one with regrets, I blurt out noises. The noises aren't words but they are... well... "stupid" and self-deprecating. I am "mocking myself" by doing this. And doing so relieves the emotion.
It is specifically triggered by regrettable memories... including childhood interaction with bullies, etc.
I described it to my wife this way: It's a sudden surge of emotion. It's like the desire to swear when you hurt yourself. I am able to avoid this if I am in a public place and "on my best behavior." (Thank god for this, since I'm a business owner!)
But avoiding the noises is kind of like stubbing your toe, hard, in church, without swearing.
These noises are NOT a big problem in my life, since most people don't know I do this. My wife knows and she's very understanding. Luckily, I don't generally experience bad memories when I'm engaging in conversation.
I did speak to a psychiatrist about it. She said she "knew exactly what it was"... But when I asked her to tell me, but apparently she felt I would be better off not knowing. "I don't want you to think about it too much."
Well, I'm really not afraid of any stigma. What do you all think?