How do you deal with pregnant family members and friends?

Hi.  I had a miscarriage October 10th.  Baby would have been born May 16th.  I was just over 9 weeks.   It's been rough.  It took over 6 weeks for my body "to process" the miscarriage, I develped an infection and had to take antibotics.  In December, another ultrasound showed yet sill remaining tissue and "products of conception."  I had switched doctors, and my new doctor was considering a d&c but hated to do it so late in the game.  I had to have another ultrasound in January, the kind where they use saline and a scope to get a better picture of my uterous.  All looks good, FINALLY.  But now the whole "trying again" is wearing on me.  I'm absolutly terrified.

The main reason I decidied to post something was becuase I'm having a very difficult time with pregnant friends / family.  It seems they can be so inconsiderent.  My cousin in law announced thier big pregnancy Christmas Eve.  "They" started trying as soon as they found out we were pregnant.  Then we had our miscarriage - which she knew about.  It was really difficult becuase I would get weekly test from her saying "when did you first think you were pregnant" "could you tell you were pregnant before you took a test" "did you have a lot of CM before you found out you were pregnant" ... I had a feeling it was coming and sure enough on December 24th she calls me and wants to know when Chris and I are going to be at his grandmother's house becuase they have a BIG announcement THEY don't want us to miss....  I asked - you're pregnant, she says "YES!!  Aren't you excited for us???"  (AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!)  So we have to go to Christmas and watch the big to do, they made the announcement by giving bibs embroderied with "Greatgrandmother" "Grandpa" "Grandma".... on them.  It was all I could do not to absolutly break down in tears.  Then she has the nerve to send me a text the next week "Why are you not happy for me?  You don't talk to me now.  Is it becuase you are resentful of me becuase I'm pregnant?"....  Some people. I had to finally tell her that no, I wasn't resentful of her, but I just couldn't talk about her pregnancy becuase I'm still grieving and hurting from my loss.  Questions about "when I was pregnant" was just too much to handle becuase thinking about being pregnant so soon after my loss was very hard to emotionally handle.  She seemed mad.

Today was more than I could bare.  We have lunch with the family the first Sunday of every month.  I was really dreading it and didn't want to go.  I even tried to make up the excuse to my husband that I really needed to work.... But he said his grandmother had called and was really missing us.  So I decided not to let seeing her growing belly keep me from spending time with my super sweet grammy in law.  But of course, as soon as we walk in the door, she's there and it's "Look! We have ultrasound pictures from 9 weeks and 12 weeks!!!!"  My heart nearly fell out on the floor. My husband too was heartbroken.  He took me outside and wanted to leave immediatly.  He said on the way home, he'd rather skip the family lunch and just go see his grandmother another day without the whole family get together.  

I wasn't resentful of her at first, but now I'm growing that way.  We've tried again and nothing.  I'll be 40 in November and I'm really having to face a reality that it may not happen again and it might really be too late.  How am I going to deal with this family situation?  I feel like the way she's handled it is so insensitive and inconsiderate.  Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I sure wouldn't flaunt my pregnancy in front of someone so soon after a miscarriage.  I could see if it had been years ago, but this soon?  The real frustrating part was that she didn't even want to get pregnant, until after she found out I was pregnant.  Then she said, "I HAVE to be pregnant too... and before Amanda..."  Another girl in our family who's trying to get pregnant.  She's "that" type.  Always has to be the center of attention.  She was angry at the other girl who got married one month before her becuase she would always "steal her thunder".  

Have any of y'all had to deal with anything like this?  Am I just a horriable person now because I absolutly want NOTHING to do with her?  Seeing her belly today felt as though someone was ripping my heart right out.  My husband and I want a baby so badly.  We're really at the end of our reproductive years and don't have long.  Months left really.  I'm afraid to keep trying after 40.  So we really now only have 9 more times to try.  I'm so sad.

[tinkcmt]

I am trying to deal with the whole pregnant family members thing too.  It is really  hard when they act like nothing ever happened and are  inconsiderate.  We were supposed to go to their shower the day after we had  our miscarriage.  When we did not go she was mad at me, seems kind of  crazy to  me.  I would never think it would be a good idea to go  to a baby shower the day after you have a  miscarriage.  If I think of any  advice or  find a way to  make things better I will let you know.  Good luck with everything.

[Jenni1187]

I found out today that I'll be facing that same thing. I had an ectopic pregnancy two months ago and my friend/coworker (who doesn't want a baby) just found out she's pregnant. I feel the same way you do. I am kind of resentful because she was talking today about how she's not going to quit smoking or drinking so it kind of makes me feel a little bitter inside. And I just broke down. I kept telling myself to save it for when I got home, but I couldn't control it. And when she saw me crying, she asked me what was wrong. I definitely think it's rude for your friend to flaunt it like she does. She should be more sensitive to your situation, but unfortunately some people don't have it in them to consider other people's feelings.

I'm still working on figuring out a way to deal with seeing her ultrasound pictures and her growing belly as the months go on. I'm happy for her though. I don't even think she's happy for herself yet, but I really am. It's just that my way of dealing with my ectopic is by not dealing with it. I don't talk about it and I try not to even think about it because I've learned that crying doesn't make it better and talking doesn't either because no one around me understands. So knowing she's pregnant is making me come face to face with my emotions. But I'm trying to separate the two. We were robbed of our pregnancy experience, but at the same time, it's not fair to rob someone else of theirs. It's an exciting time and I know I need to find a way to separate my experience from hers, for my own sanity so I don't have an emotional break down every time someone says congratulations to her.

It's hard to recover from something like this, and it's even harder when it's staring you directly in the face and you can't push it aside. I know how I need to feel but I don't know how to make that happen. Let me know if you find a way! And tons and TONS of super stick baby dust coming your way!! Good luck!

[jhannay]

hey.. I know how it feel's.. and how cruel some people can be.. not only did my sister anounce she was pregnant, afew weeks after our mc.. to make things worse, she is having twins.. ARGH..  I feel so bloody mad, I've had to distance my self from her,as it's the only way i can cope with it..  and dont really know where to go from here. think it will just take time. x.

[katymay02]

Hi,
Im going through the same thing..all of my close friends are pregnant, at different stages but I think im lucky in that they are all being so much help.. its wierd because they have become my main support, despite their own pregnancies.  

At first I avoided them and they avoided me, I just got the 'how are you bearing up' texts and ended up sitting on my own day after day, while they all met up for coffee without letting me know because they felt like they couldnt talk about their pregnancies around me.  Although I didnt want to see their bumps or talk about babies I felt so alone as they are my closest friends that I was almost forced into it.  So I got them together, told them exactly how I felt (granted I was pretty much in tears the whole time) while saying at the same time that I didnt want to take cast any negativity over their pregnancies and so if they got that impression at any point, that wasnt how I intended it, that I was just going through a grieving period and I needed them to bear with me.  

I started at the beginning and told them exactly how I felt.. the good and the bad, how I felt about myself and how I felt about them and their pregnancies. After this they have been amazing ever and it has made me face the feelings that I was bottling up.  I think telling these people how you feel will make them realise the reality of your situation and appreciate a little more what you are going through, that it isnt a game or play for attention, this is real life and it has affected your body and emotions even beyond your control (as I often find myself fine one minute then crying my eyes out the next!!). If they have never been in the same situation then they are never going to totally understand but by explaining to them it might help, while making them appreciate their own pregnancies all the more... especially if they are taking it for granted (which really really annoys and upsets me).  

I think ive been really lucky with my friends in how they have been with me and everyone takes their own time to heal, emotionally and physically, but please please dont bottle everything up inside. take it in  very little steps and confront those things that upset you, slowly... and it will be slowly, you will see the excitement in pregnancy again.  And as Jenni1187 said to me its ladies who have been through the experience of losing a child that will make the best moms

[tkst98]

I know exactly how you feel! I had a missed miscarriage at 9wks 2days, then had a d&c on march 30. since then have had friends (seems like all of them) come up to me and tell me they are pregnant. They have all been hard to deal with but one was more so.
She has 2 children already and is not raisin either of them. About two days after my d&c she called me to tell me not only was she pregnant but was having twins. She keeps asking me questions about how I found out, or knew i was pregnant and like you I keep having US pics shown to me. I found myself disassociating myself and ignoring her and feel really bad.
I feel like people think because it has been "x" amount of time that i should just "get over it".; but as you know thats almost impossible. I don't know if this will help but I have done a lot of praying (as well as crying and asking why).
I finally called her to tell her that even though she was happy, and rightfully so, that I couldn't constantly hear or see all the things she wanted to share at the moment and I asked her if she could stop asking me questions about my pregnancy.
Although she did not fully understand, things have slacked off.

I am soooo sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. Good luck!!

[bart166]

having this forum and friends online is my way of having my own support group. I find it really hard to talk to family and friends about TTC and also my miscarriage.

[Chelsea74]

Please don't give yourself a deadline. 40 is an arbitrary number - there is no logic to the belief that your fertility suddenly takes a nose dive the day you turn 40. You got pregnant at 38 and you can get pregnant again at 39 or 40. Stay with it and we'll soon be celebrating your BFP and then your baby day!
Sending you hugs and wishing you bucket loads of baby dust!!
Chelsea

[chele0531]

I know my comment is a year late, and hopefully you haven't been back on because your hubby and you have had success.  My fiance and I lost our baby at 11 weeks.  And I should have been due on Sunday.  Go figure, all 3 of my best friends are pregnant right now.  My friend that still lives in this state, has been driving me crazy.  She's had spotting, so she texts me, calls hysterical and I am expected to calm her down.  Just a week ago, her friend's mother bought her some things at a yard sale, and because we were having lunch, she says, we have to go pick the stuff up.  I held it together quite well until she ran in her home and I called my fiance and just lost it.  And I have to try and keep my feelings from her, because no one wants to make a pregnant woman sad.  But, what about me?  

[jenjen08]

I have also been experianceing the things that you are going through i just distanced myself away from all of them I have been ttc for 2 years we had a miscarriage and then a cp and both times I have gotten pregnant first it was my cousin in laws girlfriend and then it was my cousin and i cant be around them so i go visit family when i know not everyone is there so i dont have to see it
I know excatly what you are going through because in my family its all about competeing to all these people if someone is pregnant someone else rushs to get pregnant to espally my cousin who is now on her 7th child and had no consideration of anyone elses feelings

[lisha1201]

this is such a tough subject. im still dealing with feelings about pg friends & family and my miscarriage was over a yr ago. i try to be happy for them but it always raised the question why me...i hate to feel resentment for ppl who are having healthy babies. its not their fault. and having felt this pain i dont wish it on my worse enemy. but one things for sure-im NOT apologizing for the way i feel. if idw to be bothered, i wont. you have to protect u and your feelings. im never mean but i will not hestiate to let it be know if i just cant deal at that date & time. so if it means missing my brother's/his girlfriend baby shower-so be it!  tough titty-ill send a gift-lol. but wont subject my self to being in a situation thats goin to make me sad/depressed. so i guess im tryn to say you are allowed to have those feelings. and dont feel bad cause u do have those feelings. one sum things/situations u will b okay-on other u will have to distnace yourself. you should be your number one priority. they mite be mad/or dont understand but they will get over it!!! XOXO

[Shyladybaby27]

I had a miscarriage on June 30 and my DH friends wife gave birth the same day and I still have not seen there baby still because it is such a painful reminder of what I lost I recently concieved again and still cannot get over the people who are having babies when  I would of been due