Sad

My husband and I have been married for two years and we have a problem.  He is MORBIDLY OBESE.  I adore him with all of my heart, but one of the things we talked about before we got married was his commitment to lose weight.  I explained to him that I cared so much for him that I would not let his weight make me a widow, and he agreed.  In fact, it was a promise he made to me.  He weighs between 475 and 500lbs and he's 6'3.  Our first two years together, he went on a diet actually lost about 80lbs.  Then he fell off the wagon, which was okay, because we all do from time, but he's never gotten back on.  I've been an active person all of my life and I actually gave up that lifestyle because he didn't ever want to get out and I didn't want to be without him. I exercised everyday before I met him and now it's hardly at all.

Anyway, I was able to help him get active after awhile because I didn't like sitting around the house and that helped, but in '07, I got deathly ill and was confined to a bed for about 7 months.  I lost so much weight and almost every ounce of muscle mass I had gained over the past 26 years.  During that time, my husband gained back all of the 80lbs and then some.  He's bigger than ever.  I've had to gain back a ton of weight and get back that muscle mass I lost, which I don't even have half of it.  I can't even do a sit up. Before I got sick, my job was to help my husband get in shape and now I can't do it because I'm not in shape anymore.  I'll admit, I'm not the greatest wife in the world, in fact, I used to never cook and we constantly ate out (not fast food, but actual sit-down restaurants).  But now I cook everyday, breakfast lunch, and dinner, and I try to monitor my husband's intake.  My problem is that I feel like since I haven't been able to keep him off the couch since my illness, I'm failing him.  Plus, I get very angry at him when the first thing he does when he gets off of work is plop down on the couch and sit there for 7 hours until it's time to go to bed.  I'm angry that I have to watch what he eats and freeze leftovers so he doesn't eat them.  I'm angry that if I go upstairs for an hour or so, I hear him heating something up in the microwave and I have to ask him what/ how much/ why he's eating.  I'm angry that I have to take his credit cards and cash so I don't have to risk him buying food at work.  I'm angry that it seems like no one around him cares about his size except me and they feel the need to FEED him like he's not big enough already.  I'm angry that my husband is going to die unless he changes and he's always giving me excuses as to why he can't change.  

Now, I have been overweight before.  I know what it's like to not be able to stop eating.  I try to empathize with him, but it's getting out of hand and I find myself resenting him.  I love him with all of my heart.  He is the most beautiful man I have ever known and that includes my father.  I can't stand to be without him.  I bring up his weight all the time because it seems to be the stem of our arguments.  He asks why I act so cold to him and I keep telling him that it's me and not him, but truthfully it's him.  After I can't take the stress anymore, I tell him it's him.  I won't even have sex with him anymore.  It's been almost two months!  I dread losing my husband to this disease so much that I have distanced myself from him, hoping that it won't hurt as much when he finally succumbs to it.  I don't want to do that.  I have really bad anxiety because of it so much that I have to take anti-depressants and anti- anxiety meds, and even sleeping pills because I have insomnia!  I was even hospitalized last week because I had a panic attack that lasted an entire day!  I can't deal with this anymore, and he actually says that I should just leave him because I'm unhappy and he doesn't want to keep anyone that doesn't want to be kept.  THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!!!!  I tell him all the time that I want him to keep me but furthermore, I want him to try and keep me.  I want to grow old with him.  He says he wants to have the surgery just to get it over with, but the insurance company has denied him twice so it's not looking good.  I just want him to make the effort and I know how hard it is for him, because I have fought with addiction too, but it's possible and he doesn't seem to think it is, or at least he doesn't want to try.  It's so frustrating to me and all though I love him very much, it's hard to sit there and watch him kill himself.  I can't live like this anymore.  The other night, I actually asked him if he wanted me to leave him so he could die alone.  I didn't want to say that but it was an honest question.  I'm the only one in his entire life who is trying to save his life.  Even his mother (who I blame for making him this way) tries to feed him **** every time we visit and I have to take control and take stuff off of his plate.  Every time we go somewhere, I have to nudge him or whisper to him not to eat something or not to eat as much.  I don't want to embarrass him but sometimes I have to because I have to look out for his well-being.  We had very different childhoods.  I was not allowed to watch television during the week so I had a million different other activities to do, and his parents used TV as a babysitter.  His mom fed him for every reason, whether it was to celebrate his birthday, or apologize for something.  My mom was a health-nut.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I can't exercise like I used to and get him active so the only thing I can really do is dictate what he eats, and he is a grown man so it ***** to have to do that.  I just want to be able to relax and not have to keep an eye on him and not have to worry about whether or not he's going to die in his sleep or have a heart attack while he's at work or I'm at the store.  If it was possible for him to be obese and live a long, healthy life, I wouldn't worry about it and it would be strictly cosmetic.  I don't care about what he looks like (but for the record, he is gorgeous).  I don't know if I posted this in the right place, but I need some type of support and some type of advice.  I don't want to be a widow.

[Judy246]

I'm so very sorry for what you and your husband are going through. As I read I can feel your anguish, anger and pain.This is beyond what you and your husband can handle and it's time to have professionals step in.  Food has become the enemie here and it's, become distructive and life threatening. I don't know much of this type of struggle, but taking control of what is purchase  in the grocery store and do not buy any type of snack, cookies, ice creams. Basic grocery only.  Stop cutting down on meals, instead of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Either make small meals or skip a meal. That works for me, but it has reached beyond what you can do.

He needs a physician who specializes in obesedy and both need therapy to help with behaviors and to get to the bottom of why he is eating this way and why do you permit it out of love. I wish you the best of luck and intervension is crucial now...his health and life is at risk.