Abstaining from Sex

[ravel5]

My boyfriend of four years and I (I'm almost 20) have been sexually active for the past three years. However, my boyfriend has recently become a fervent Christian, and feels that it is morally wrong to continue being intimate with me. We were both religious before, but he was always more devout. Am I wrong to feel...negatively towards this decision? I know that I can't force him to change his mind. As he says, it would be wrong for me to want an action, whereas the only complaint is his er...inaction in this matter.

A very close friend of mine is having the same problem. We both love our boyfriends very much, but we are torn between wanting to support the men we love, yet retain that intimacy with our loved ones. Her relationship has very recently exploded into horrible arguments and even mild violence by him toward her, over this matter. I am not even sure if they are technically "together" as we speak right now.

What should we do? Her boyfriend is making her feel like an immoral temptress that only wants to lead him into sin, blocking him from salvation, while mine is just annoyed at me when I admit that I am somewhat irritated over his decision. Are we being selfish? Are they for not caring about our feelings on the matter? It's all very confusing...the four of us are Christians, but our boyfriends moreso than us, I guess.

[ravel5]

Add-on:

My boyfriend and I are planning to marry as soon as we graduate college (I leave in two more years), and my friend and her boyfriend were planning to stay together as well. All four of us were virgins prior to dating each other.

[childrenrtreasures]

I think you need to respect his decision and give him the room. Consider if it were the flip-side...you said "no" and he continued to pressure you.

If you love him then wait for him. In his mind he most likely feels he's doing this for the betterment of both of you...not just himself. If you can't wait then maybe you need to consider a different life partner. This is mostly likely far from the hardest trial you'll ever face in your relationship. If it can't survive this then you're going to have a difficult time making it work in the future.

He is not rejecting you he's rejecting a situation he doesn't believe is right outside of marriage. For now, work on the other aspects of your relationship. If you're going to marry this man, you like more about him than just sex :).

Don't tempt him to do otherwise this will only drive a wedge between both of you. Work within his decision; I would imagine it wasn't an easy decision for him to come to. Not only work within it but support him in it (if you marry you'll be doing this for each other for the rest of your lives).

I think it may benefit you both to see a christian counselor or your pastor(you mentioned you were both religious) to work some of these things out.

Kelly

[BJ16]

trust me i know its hard after soo long but it is his desicion. and he's trying to be a better person. so u should look on the good things about it! u can talk more...cuddle...and just hold each other all nite instead of when are we gonna have sex!!! its hard i know (went threw it) but u do gotta respect and love him enough to say "okay". and maybe u guys can work something out so ur just messing around so u'll still get to be..and feel that intamicy with ur love. and as for ur friend... if he is becoming "somewhat violent" with her over this...than he is not being a christian at all!!! and she needs to kick his ass to the curb and get away from him b4 he could possibley get worse and she could end up a batterd women or worse....dead!

[ravel5]

I do love him and of course, our relationship is founded on a lot more than sex. I know it has nothing to do with me personally, but it's difficult when someone's decision affects you in some way beyond your control.

With my friend and her boyfriend, he is a really good guy- I don't know where this came from at all. I'm still in shock from hearing it and they have communication issues too.

Both of the men are very self-righteous, even condemning us as not being good Christians, but we'll see how it goes.

[monkeyflower]

I don't know. Regardless of what anyone says, sex IS important. Your partner made a unilateral decision that also affects you and your relationship, and you certainly have the right to decide whether you're okay with this. The right to say no should be respected, but you also have the right to say no, this isn't acceptable. In my opinion this isn't much different from his deciding to move to Alaska (assuming that isn't where you live or want to live). You don't automatically have to start packing your bags just because he wants to go. This is a life altering decision that also affects YOUR life. Personally, I have a feeling that only people for whom sex isn't that important would think this was acceptable.

I also think it doesn't bode well for your sexual relationship after marriage. When someone makes these kinds of decisions there are generally some issues about sex in general involved. Maybe he feels guilty, maybe he doesn't have much of a sexual drive. Either way it's not going to magically go away once you're married - in fact, I can almost guarantee it'll only get worse. Despite what most people think, marriage doesn't fix these issues as much as it worsens them.

It'd be a good idea to see a sex therapist together, to discuss your feelings about this decision and your feelings about sex in general. But if he won't go, you should. It will help you clarify your feelings and thoughts about this and any other issues in your relationship. I also suggest reading Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. The basic premise is that we can experience true intimacy with others only once we've developed and nurtured our own independance and identity. Excellent book, and I think you'll see your situation there :-)

[ravel5]

Thank you :) I don't think a sex therapist will be a good idea for us, as we had a healthy sex drive before this. After we marry, he said he wanted to consummate the marriage the proper way, meaning no contraception, as it is acceptable in the Bible. Time and time again I have been the one to buy condoms. I tried bc pills and got nearly fatally ill over them. I am not ready for children, which would be the only positive from this, but that's only because he hates wearing condoms. I told him that I don't care how religious he is, I'm not risking pregnancy as soon as we marry, and he wasn't happy with that.

Just because I would be a married woman, does not mean that I have to take these risks, right? I should have the right to plan a family when I am financially and mentally able to begin having one. There's just so much here that is starting to worry me, because he was not like this before and is so innocent in not understanding why I would be concerned by any of this. I told him he should join the priesthood and he said, "No, I just want to wait until marriage. You should like this. It shows my appreciation for you", and I feel selfish for not feeling appreciated at all, but devalued in a sense. He will only kiss my forehead or my lips lightly- there is no passion, no intimacy. It is as though we are two people who love each other, but are only really good friends that will say so, and not develop it into anything further. I love him, I do, and I feel horrible for saying all of this. I am not sex-crazed...I just feel pushed away.

I told him all of that, and all he could say was, "Oh, stop it! I still love you."

Thanks for your replies.

[who_is_this]

Ravel,
The red flags are all there.  The worst thing you can do is to go along now, or you will go along for a long, long time to come.  Stand back, get some counseling yourself if he won't go, and examine how it came to be that what HE wants is becoming gospel. (no pun intended!)

You are a person in your own right.

[anamri]

While I disagree that only a person to whom sex is not important would do this, I agree that you do not have to stay in a relationship where you are obviously not happy.

This was a religious desicion for him... he is not likely to change his opinion, and will probably see any attempts to get him to change as temptation and wrong.  While I see absolutely nothing wrong with abstaining until marriage, I see how it makes things more than difficult when you were already having sex and this was not your desicion.

Talking with him about how you are struggling with this, and how you feel he is persecuting you for something that you both have been doing for years, is making you feel some resentment toward him, might help him to see that he is not helping your relationship with his attitude.

Though, in the long run, thisngs do not look too positive for your future... the resentment building up, the guilt trip, and his judgemental nature towards you... all could lead to a divorce if you DO get married.

I would say there are only two paths you can take right now, either re-evaluate your religious beliefs and accept abstinence until marriage, or leave him.

[monkeyflower]

Wow, your last post really did raise a TON of red flags. There's more here than just not having sex before marriage - this child thing is *serious* and a bad, bad sign. If nothing else, he sounds deeply controlling, and that doesn't bode well for the future of any relationship. Particularly if you don't share his fundamentalist beliefs (and that, btw, does NOT make you a bad Christian, just a different kind of Christian. And that's fine.). You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person. I definitely would give this relationship serious thought.

And I definitely encourage seeing a sex therapist, either alone or together. Sex therapy doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sexual desire; your issues are around sex, and that's what sex therapists work with. They aren't going to encourage either of you to have more sex or anything else; they're going to help you explore your feelings about your sexuality and each other. The difference is that sex therapists are regular therapists with additional and extensive training in working with sexual issues. A regular therapist would probably be working from his/her own ideas of what "should" be :-)

[Jenni6485]

You have already reached a level of intimacy, and have gottn used to your relationship in that way. To turn things around is just flat out confusing. If he's so devout, then he should have never had sex with you in the first place.
You should'nt take steps backwards in a relationship... It's all about moving fowards. Though it happens alot, some work it out, and some dont.
You just need to make that decision.

[mami1323]

I agree with the last poster.  I would be different if you started your relationship off that way but after being intimate with someone it is extremely difficult to go back to not being.  It's not just sex when you love someone it is so much more than that.  A closeness that you share together, without that the relationship feels less intimate and personal.  It becomes a friendship and being best friends is part of a relationship but there are so many more aspects to it.  It just sounds a little too strange for me.  It is up to you to decide if you want to hold out but it seems he's being very selfish.

[ravel5]

Thank you for your deep insights and advice. I'm going to talk to him today...and I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay in the long run.


thank you again :)

[AnnieBrooke]

I think something else is going on and he is using the religious conversion as a pretext for it.  I don't think you will get anywhere asking this, but frankly that is what it sounds like.  The whole having kids thing is scary -- will he insist you have a baby every year from your early 20s until menopause because that is "what God wills"? (and then not want to have sex once you are pregnant)?  It almost sounds like he has gone a little crazy.  The sudden lack of interest in sex with you after a satisfactory sex life before is also kind of unbelievable.  If anything about your post suggested it, I would think he was gay and just no longer interested in pretending, but you haven't indicated that.  But it just seems like some underlying thing is happening for him that has taken you out of the picture sexually and maybe in other ways, and he is using the religion as an easier way out of it.  Good luck, and you really don't deserve this indifference.

[Red_Rose]

My opinion on this is that sometimes people come to review their beliefs and I wouldnt agree that the sudden disinterest in sex would make him guy. For all we know this is very hard for him, but he is trying to 'do the right thing'. What u need to decide is do u think thats the right thing (which I guess u dont or u wouldnt be on here). There are alot of issures, I dont think he is selfish because if he believes what he is doing is good then he wants what is best for u and is trying to help u be righteous. Thats why it then comes down to ur beliefs. Im not judging whos the better christian etc, Im just saying ur obviously on different paths at the moment and its whether ul meet on the same or not.

Also the thing about the kids, from what I read he doesnt want to wear protection? I can understand maybe wanting to consumate the marriage but if the only reason is cause he cant be bothered then that needs to be adressed. U have the right to want a baby or not and so does he, which is why it needs to be discussed.

I think sometimes people may really love each other deeply but religion can be what stops it, so I think the first question is where are u in ur religion? Will u be where he is? If not it maybe time to make a break because marriage will feel more like a bound, a contract. I def think sex therapy is uneeded its a simple religion issue here.

Good luck to u and ur friend

[Tia Lucila]

I didn't read the whole post, so I'm not sure of all the details.  I'm going to be the crazy lady and go out on a crazy limb though.  Maybe he's gay.  There are people who try to pray really hard so that they will switch over and there are people who have been in heterosexual relationships for years and later make a switch.  OK, like I said, it's probably just a crazy idea.  Disregard if it's too crazy.

[w4lucy]

There's nothing wrong with a guy's sex drive when he chooses to abstain until marriage.  The Bible clearly states that that is God's design for marriage, so it sounds like he's just been really convicted.  This doesn't mean he doesn't ever WANT to have sex--he just wants to wait to have sex until the proper time.  I know of lots of people who were invovled in sexual relationships before committing themselves to a Christian lifestyle.  They struggled in that area but desired to wait until marriage before engaging in sex again.  It shows not only a commitment to God, but also a commitment to the other person involved, saying that they're willing to to wait for that person because they respect them and who God desires them to be.

[Red_Rose]

Im with lucy

[blondie72]

You need to respect his beliefs - If you love each other you will - And also sex is NOT important -  It is not a huge part of a relationship - I still feel just as loved even if my husband and I are not having sex on a daily basis - We do things together, cuddle, hold hands when we go somewhere - That means more to me than sex - It shows love.  I hope you can accept this for him - If not it is time to move on - If I were the one who found God the way your boyfriend has and someone was "tempting" me - I'd have to walk away from it.

[AnnieBrooke]

I am quite ready to believe that someone could pledge to celibacy in pursuit of a closer relationship to God, I think I could do it myself.  But this story just has a lot of loose threads in it. I'm reacting to two things in this poster's description; that his change of behavior seems odd to her based on who he was previously, and that now he isn't just saying he has converted and prefers to go with the directives of the church, but he is being really unfriendly and insulting and making her feel bad.  Frankly, the story is so unusual -- usually this story is the guy pressuring the gal for sex on the threat of leaving, and here is the gal apparently pushing for sex and the guy apparently making her feel like a slut for doing so.  But the way he is doing it is so insulting to her and also shutting her out that it made me wonder if something else was going on, and he prefers to 'blame' his religious conversion (possibly because he thinks this will hurt her feelings less) than to tell her that he doesn't want to be with her.  Changes of behavior with explanations that are hard for people close to the person to credit are pretty unusual!  I didn't say he was gay, the writer of the post said nothing to hint at this, but I did say this reminds me of the behavior patterns of people who have decided to cut a behavior but don't want to tell the reason. (Like, he met someone else, he really never liked sex, he has stopped liking her.)  These people sound like they already live in a Christian community, so you wouldn't think a deeper religious conversion would be so hard for her (who knows him well) to believe.  That, plus the tone of his comments to her, prompted my remarks.