Beginning in a marraige with a new baby

[jewelzdag]

The situation is, while we were dating he was great for the most part, he made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, we worked together, he was always supportive and loving and rarely complained.  Well it started going downhill just about right after she was born.  He blames it all on my hormones.  About a week after she was born, while I could barely move because I had second degree tears, the only time I could was right after taking the pain pills.  Well I thought he didn't mind at least changing her diapers since I couldn't walk, I figured I'd put together this desk I had bought for him since I could do it sitting in one place.  Well he gets pissed off and complains about all the work he'd had to do the entire week changing her diapers and now finding out I could move. Now everytime I'm sick or depressed now he just gets mad that I don't do as much, that he has to help out with some of the work.  The car I bought for him with the agreement to sell if we couldn't handle it, has become too much and he gets mad at me everytime I ask him to sell it.  The boss threatened to fire him and told me I need to give him some pointers to do better, well everything I tell him he just criticizes what I do.  He's nothing like he was before I married him, I'm not happy and I have a hard time forgiving the harsh things he says on a daily basis.  When I tell him he hurts me all he does is say he should be allowed to do it without repercussion.  I don't want a divorce because I don't want her to grow up with seperated parents.I know I loved him once, but it seems hard to happen again.

[lhowell]

I think the new baby just has both of you stressed.  Have you thought of counseling?

Also, you'll get a lot more replies if you post this in the relationships forum.

Sorry you're going through this---I hope things get better.

[tmv]

God bless you.  I know that you are under a great deal of stress and want everything to be perfect for you and the little one.  The truth is that both of you have had a lot of life changing events to take place at a rather quick rate.  This happens to so many families.  I just want to mention post-partum depression, not that I think that you have it but that you should be aware of the symptoms because of all that you have compounding things along with the day to day life.  Give it some time and maybe he'll start seeing things in your view.  He's got to have a lot of stress with work and knowing that he has a family to support.  Hang in there.

[lovethebops]

it sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now, but both the things you are dealing with (new marriage& new baby) are both incredibly stressful situations, you are bound to get on one anothers last nerve. hang in the there, it will get easier...i don't think its the end of the line for you both, it think you are just really sleep deprived and stressed..the first few monthes of our new baby were so tiring, and even though my husband and I rarely fight, we had our heated moments...but we got through it and are  both better parents' and spouses' because of it...i'm sure it will be the same for you! take care and congrats on the new baby girl!

[JJety]

First and foremost:  You have every right and a duty to yourself to rest.  It's so crucial that you get enough rest after giving birth so you don't wind up in real trouble with your health.  He MUST understand that or he really will be sorry about how much he has to "work" if you don't heal.

You both sound like you're under a tremendous amount of stress with regards to financial security.  While that's no excuse for him to say terrible things to you on a daily basis, it seems to be the root of the problem.  

You both need to understand that a new baby puts a tremendous amount of stress and strain on even the most perfect marriage.  It's completely normal.  The lack of sleep, the changing hormones, the feeling that the sleepless nights may never end, the concerns about money, etc etc.  It takes its toll.

I agree that counseling would be a good idea - or at least talk to someone (friend/relative) that has been in your shoes to assure you both that things WILL get easier as the baby gets older.  I just think that if I was not getting much sleep, my boss was hounding me about getting fired, and I knew I had to sell my car I'd be really grumpy too.

Maybe DH is just being selfish...??  It's impossible for us to say, so that's where you would benefit greatly from talking to a counselor.  

Good luck to you!!

[RockRose]

Did you know him very long before you married him - did you meet his friends and family?  

Guys who are really solicitous like he was - fixing you three meals a day - are often just putting on an act.   The "sweep you off your feet" kind of romantic guy is not usually showing his true self.

I think you need marriage counseling for sure.    

Best wishes - it's hard to be stressed AND a new mom.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I think you may have post partum.  I hope you are honest with your doctor about how overwhelmed you feel.

A new baby in the house is a huge stresser.  No one really tells you how hard it is.

WE have all been there.  It will get better my dear.

[jen2006]

He sounds jealous of the baby :) That happens all the time.

[sparkeler]

I agree it's the stress of the new baby.  I do think a marriage counselor may be able to help you & your husband straighten this out.  Good luck.

[mrs canada]

I'm SO not trying to be mean... please take this the right way... but it sounds like you've had things incredibly good with your hubby - have you, along the way, let him know how much you appreciate it? I would LOVE to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner made for me every day, etc, and that doesn't happen! :O(((

All I'm saying is, when people feel like they're overextended, waiting on someone all the time, and they don't get appreciation or adoration in return, it results in resentment. Adoring looks, adulation, doesn't require any physical strength.

Do you think that could be an issue?