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Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)
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Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)

Hello ladies, (and what few gentlemen spend time here.)

I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week.  Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible.  She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.

So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion:  What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure?  I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers.  (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)

Let me know.
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155461_tn?1207868371
Well I would say to just be there for her if she needs a shoulder or if she needs to talk! Try to keep her busy! I hope everything goes well for her!
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Avatar_n_tn
Alot depends on the specifics of her procedure.  Is she being put to sleep?  Will she be awake the whole time?  
She will have cramping, etc.  but the pain isn't horrible.
The worst part for me was the mental anguish.  Even though a parent "helped" me make my decision, I still had unbelievable guilt after it was over.
I remember sleeping for most of the day, and night afterwards.  I think more from mental fagigue than anything else.

She will have bleeding, and you will need to keep a watch on that.
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Avatar_n_tn
How far along is she? Is she having the D&C procedure or is she taking the Abortion Pill?  Was this decision easy for her to make or did she ponder over it for awhile?  I've had 3 (1 D&C and 2 Abortion Pill).  My mom was with me for my first (19yrs old).  I say that you should not bring it up unless she does and just make her feel like you are there for her with no judgement.  If she is having the Pill abortion you may want to be there for her when she does the second procedure.  This is painful and feels exactly like childbirth, you have real contractions and you are bleeding terribly.  And this goes on for hours.(A heating pad is magic on those cramps)  Just make her feel at home while she is there, but don't fuss over her.  Just be her friend, not her mother.
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Avatar_f_tn
She's at seven weeks, although I have an update - rather than clinical abortion, she's chosen to go the route of medicinal abortion after talking to the clinic a third time.  My husband and I have agreed to keep her while she goes through it and make sure, if she has complications, to get her to a doctor.  Any experience offered is and would continue to be helpful.

I'm a little more experienced with miscarriage, so at least a lot of this won't be much of a surprise.  (For me, at least.)

I was present when the decision was made, though I didn't share my own opinion.  (I'd have told her to abort, personally, but I didn't want to encourage her or pressure her.)  When we found out she was pregnant, we sat there on the bathroom floor for a little while in silence and she said, "I have to take care of this."

So really, it only took a few minutes for the decision to be made.  I know she hates that it must be done, and she is very, very scared of the entire affair, but she's trying her best to be brave.  Despite the decision not taking long, I am -not- going to question it...in part because I agree with her, that it does need to be done and is in her best interest, and in part because she is an adult capable of judging for herself what is best.
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Avatar_n_tn
You said she is choosing the 'medicinal' abortion, by pill, right?  Ok, this seems like the easy way out, but it's not.  The only real comfort is you do it at home and nobody watches you walk crooked out of the clinic.  Once she does take the inducing pills within 1 to 2 hours she will start to have real contraction, she will feel them in her back in her abdomen.  Be patient with her, for someone who's never experienced child birth and who hasn't been pregnant long enough to get introduced and constantly exposed to a contraction before child birth, this is really painful.  She may get scared that she's bleeding too heavily, most likely she isn't.  If she's lying down for a while and then stands up alot of clots and blood are going to come out of her, this may be alarming, but it is ok.  If this is uncomfortable she can sit on the toilet and let things pass that way.  Like I said earlier, I've done this method twice, and once the contractions started coming I put that heating pad on medium placed it right on my abdomen where the uterus is and that really helped with the pain.  As long as she was sure that this was what she really wanted to do, then she may emotionally be ok.  It may bother her, but it sounds as though she has accepted this well.  It's very important that she goes to the follow-up appt to get the ultrasound done to confirm that all of the pregnancy tissue was passed.  If it hasn't she may still be pregnant with a dead embryo, or some of the pregnancy tissue.  This can cause really bad infections and in some cases, sterility.  Hopefully, her clinic is up-to-date with their methods and they supply her with antibiotics or a prescription for antibiotics to take while she is doing this.  If they don't she should mention something about getting some.  Not all women get an infection from this, but most do, and it's always better safe than sorry.  Hope all goes well.  And I hope this information helped you.
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107860_tn?1302930340
I dont get why she has to kill an unborn child. WHy doesnt she give up for adoption or something?
What does the father say on all this?
THis gets me mad, I mean I just gave birth to a little girl.. I mean if u open ur legs and u have to deal what happends...
I'm sorry if I got u guys mad.. how and why?
because ur in school doesnt mean to kill a child.. I mean it already has a heartbeat!
Im sorry, I gotta go.. I need to cry!
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Avatar_f_tn
Would you like to know what makes me sad?  Someone who is unable or unwilling to look past her own little world in favor of trying to offer some advice or sympathy to someone who is less fortunate than herself.  That makes me sad.

This is not an ethical discussion.
This is a question about how I can support a friend of mine.
Read that word carefully.  SUPPORT.

Not ***** at her, not tell her she's wrong, not argue about killing a baby, (and I want you to realize that there are people here who are NOT pro-life, despite the fact that there are many mothers and ttcs here), but SUPPORT her.  Make her comfortable, because she sought ME out for comfort...so spare me your self-righteous drivvel and either give me the advice I requested or keep your teeth together and your thoughts to yourself.

That is all.
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My (2) frustrations with this thread are:
1.  I've been there, I know how it feels.  It's horrible.  It sucks.  I was 16.  However, I learned from my mistake.
On a site like this one, where women are struggling every day to HAVE a baby, it is unfathomable to me that someone would have 3 abortions.  One was more than I could handle.  
For goodness sakes, use a condom.  
Whether you believe pro-choice, or pro-life, abortion is not birth control.  That's insanity.

Original poster, I do commend you for wanting to "help" this girl. (You called her a girl in your first post.  Then, later she became an adult who can make her own choices.)  I stronly urge you to consider whether or not to tell her parents. I'm not saying that you should tell them, I'm just suggesting that you should urge her to tell them.  You have no idea what complications may occur.  This is not pulling a splinter out---this is an abortion.  What happens if this girl has complications and she's your responsibility?  What will you tell her parents then?

I was okay with this thread until the person with 3 past abortions responded like it was no big deal.  Sorry if I seemed frustrated with you---I just see so many potential danger zones here....and I did get frustrated with the other person.  Didnt' mean to take it out on you.
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I think Oceans just said exactly what I was thinking reading through this thread.  I agree, if you have views about whether or not to abort, you would naturally share them with your friend.  Why is it a problem if her family does the same?  You said that it is none of her family's business what she does.  I realize 19 is considered an adult, but, obviously this girl is having trouble with this very "adult" decision if she is coming to you for guidance.  She may feel horrible some day when her family finds out what happened without their knowledge.  It sounds to me like you have personal feelings against her family.  Obviously, they are pro-life "fanatics" as someone earlier put it.  The fanatic part cracks me up, by the way.  Why are people considered fanatics if they are voicing their opinions about other options besides abortion?  Does that make you a pro-choice fanatic?

I did have a friend who got drunk one night in college and had unprotected sex she didn't remember.  She became pregnant, carried the baby full term WHILE going to classes and had the baby.  She also knew a baby was not in her plan for finishing college, but also knew that it was her mistake, not the unborn child's.  She decided to give the baby up for adoption.  Am I saying your friend should do the same?  No, it is her decision what to do.  I do feel she should be presented with all of the options before she decides for sure.  Since you are the only one allowed to speak to her about this, don't you feel it is your decision to make sure she feels comfortable with her final decision?

Please don't get angry with others on this forum for posting their opinion.  Wouldn't it be a boring world, if everyone agreed with everyone?
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Avatar_f_tn
I defy the notion that I am bear-baiting, and have done what I can to resolve a flare of anger I did have earlier on in the evening.  I have stated repeatedly that I am in fact NOT impressing my beliefs on this young woman, and am letting her make the decision on her own.

Contrary to popular belief, nineteen does not equal stupid...the decision was NOT difficult, though she is worried about the proceedure itself.  I did not ask for opinions, I asked for experience, which is where the rub comes into place.

If I wanted a fight, I'd have asked for opinions.  You can read whatever you want into this thread, but do me a favor and don't put words in my mouth...especially when you do such a poor job at 'intuiting' what I'm here for.  What have I to prove?

Why do you think me so hostile for not wanting children of my own?  Where do you read that in the slightest?  I dislike children, I don't hate other people's children or their right to have them, and you need to realize that before attempting to psychoanalyze me further.
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Avatar_f_tn
Well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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79258_tn?1190634010
I agree with you.

But I also have to agree with some of the others, because it does seem that you are deliberately trying to stir up trouble. Many posters here are conservative, and easily shocked by your glib references to multiple partners, great sex, gay bars, and (gasp) green tea. And surely you can't have missed the fact that most posters here are rabidly anti-choice and/or actively trying to get pregnant... so much that it sometimes feels like you need an oxygen mask 'cause of all that sticky baby dust.

So you must also realize that you will NOT get the kind of answers you claim to seek from the people here. But I've found that the people here are actually pretty nice, and many are genuinely caring, kind, and sensitive even when they don't agree with you. I think they deserve the same kindness and consideration in return.
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Avatar_n_tn
Sadly, it is an ethical decision.  You may not choose to view it as one, but many people do.  Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Jgonzales was speaking the opinion of many on this site--and she has the right, as you do, to post her opinion.  She needn't be told to keep her thoughts to herself.

I think you knew when you opened this thread that it could be a heated one.  You've been around here long enough to know how some of the women feel.

I am admittedly against abortion, and I've had one!!  I have no shame in saying so---I've wished 1,000,000 times that the option had NOT been available to me.  No matter how it would've changed my life.

Unfortunately, in this particular scenario, you may be doing her more harm than good.

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Avatar_n_tn
i agree with the last comment, why does she fell that she needs to get an abortion. where is the father in all this and what does he fell about her getting an abortion. I  too don't understand how people can take an abortion lightly and act like it's nothing, Ex. when uses it as a birth control. I don't what to sound mean or anything but i think people need to think how they'll feel in the long run(5 years down the road)!
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Avatar_f_tn
Don't read too deeply into my use of descriptives, mom...yes I referred to her as a 'girl', this is because she is younger than I am by about seven years...she is nineteen years old, in college, and living at home.  Legally, that makes her an adult capable of her own choices.

Furthermore, and I realize you were not addressing me or discussing the girl when you went on the rant about condom use, no one knows the circumstances by which she became pregnant in the first place.  If it had been so trivial as 'Oh, I had sex without a condom' I'd have told her to rot, but you know what?  That's not the case...but I am not going to explain her situation in detail in a thread wherein I am asking for how to give her advice.

So don't assume.

I don't like abortion, but I also accept that it can and is necessary if pregnancy is poorly timed.  I am pro-choice, and although abortion is not something that should be done trivially by any means, it is a hard reality of this world that timing IS important for someone's future well-being.

Yes, having a child her freshman year in college WILL ruin her life...it WILL give her cause to quit school, and the absence of the father WILL cause her complications in trying to find care for the child or even provide basic necessities.  So Yes, I support her choice for abortion...I also support her choice for having an IUD inserted as soon as it is possible to do so to protect herself against it happening again.

But no, I'm not going to 'urge her to tell her parents'.  She's an adult, it is her choice whether or not to do so...and in her situation, I wouldn't tell mine either...not because it was some sort of dirty secret...but because it is none of their business.  So I will not make myself a hypocrite and give her advice that I myself would never, ever follow.  Those reasons for supporting her are related back to the family she has and how they believe.

As for potential medical emergencies, those angles have been covered...I knew when I posted this thread that there would be some heated replies - I was prepared for it, but I am still working to get experiences from women who have ben through it, none-the-less, so that I can offer her some measure of comfort where she DOES NOT find it in her own mother.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have been through it.
You just didn't like my response!

Unfortunately, with abortion, whether clinical or medicinal, its not the 2-3 days after that you must think about.  It's the long-term, forever impact on her life.

And, you need to re-read what I said.  I supported you.  It was the other person in the conversation that irritated me.  I couldn't care less how she (your friend) got pregnant.  It doesn't matter to me if she had sex once or one million times unprotected.

Don't ask for opinions from people "who've been there" but disregard responses that don't fit what you want to hear.

Will she bleed?  Yes
Will she be terrified? Yes  
Will she cramp?  Yes
Will she wonder if what she's done is the right thing?  Yes
Will she physically recover?  Yes
Will she go on and finish college/have a career/have a family one day?  Probably.
Will she ever forget?  No

If any woman who's had an abortion says it doesn't ever nag in the back of their minds, they're lying.  I've talked to 100's.  I've worked in a non-religious abortion counseling center for 10 years.  Women from every walk of life, and from every circumstance.

I'm not judging you.  I'm just suggesting, from experience, that you should carefully weigh your decisions regarding this "girl".
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Avatar_f_tn
I appreciate your experience on the matter.  Thank you for explaining it, and I hope that the condemnation you see in this thread, for better or worse, does not trouble you for the effort of helping me advise and support this friend of mine.
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Avatar_f_tn
You're right...I didn't...and let me tell you why.

The responses I am disregarding are the ones that beg me to *question* her choice, not the ones that make suggestions on how to proceed.  I recognize that you have experience to offer here, and I have taken that to heart, but what I dislike about the responses I am getting from you is the insistance that her family be involved in something that she had made clear is not their affair.

I am not deciding anything for her, merely being the platform by which she can get these decisions made and follow through.  As she is a good friend of mine, someone I've known for years, I would not let her sit within my hospitality and make a foolish choice, and as it is shown already I have a tendancy of mothering her.  I have not made suggestions about how to proceed, I've just given her a supportive ear when she's needed it, which is what I feel in this situation is required.

There are some things that I see and have trouble watching take place...one of my younger half-sisters was pregnant in high school, and my father refused to allow her to have an abortion.  She was forced -FORCED- to carry the child, give birth to the child, and ultimately she was unable to continue her education and ended up marrying the father, who because he had to support her and the child, was unable to finish anything more than trade school...they will be paupers for the rest of their lives...and she calls me to cry about it a few times every year.  Her child will grow up in that home, most likely loved and at the same time viewed as an immense burden, looked upon like an object of regret.

On another day, to another person I'd say something callous like, 'You had the sex, you bear the responsibility for the child,' but having watched her for a few years, seen her living in poor conditions, seen her life deteriorate and her eyes grow duller and more troubled each passing year, I find myself reconsidering what I'd say, if anything.  Sometimes life isn't simple, sometimes you don't have the convenience of saying a single thing to EVERY situation - which is how I feel in relation to Michelle, the young woman I've been discussing.

I don't want those things for her.  I was fortunate enough to miscarry the pregnancies that occurred during my stint in college, I have not had to go through this entire ordeal beyond the pain of miscarrying itself...and as a declaritive statement:  Had they not miscarried, I'd have aborted them...and to this day, I don't feel any 'what if' or any guilt over it...nor would I.  There is the occasional wonder about what my life would be like had I followed my half-sister's road, but I need not look far for the answer...so no, no guilt.  You can call me a liar, but I'd tell you the same to your face if you asked.

So let me tell you what I want to hear:  Advice from women who have gone through the proceedure and how they physically reacted to it, and what they needed in way of support during and after the abortion.  I've seen three good examples of that, but I am still looking for further experiences to better round out what I could be doing for her.  From what I understand, it's not much different than a miscarriage, but I don't feel that my own experience is enough to support her properly.  

In short:  I am fretting over her.  So, I don't mean to seem like a lion, but I really am asking for some advice here, not just bear baiting.
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Avatar_f_tn
I dont think having a baby in her freshman year will ruin her life. I think that any woman is strong enough to handle a lot more than we think. I know women who have put themselves through school, as single mothers. I know a woman who traveled the world with her four year old son strapped to her back. I'm sure there are many many women who have accomplished the impossible, and been single moms too. It is possible.
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Avatar_n_tn
I've read thru the posts & I remember being close to 16yrs old in school & one of my good friends decided to have an abortion, I never tried to talk her out of it, I never said this is a good decision for u, but I never ever tried to get her to change her mind. I've never had an abortion, but til this day everytime I hear the word I think of her & me not trying to make her see there more options, even though I was so young myself. The reason I wrote all this was b/c I hope u have thought of how this will also affect your life from now on. I know we can't make someone do what we want but I would give anything to go back & at least try w/ my friend. So before u go thru this w/ her make sure you've said or done all u can. This doesn't go away over night. Maybe she'll change her mind, a baby won't ruin her life at all, it changes things, but often times the choices we make thinking we r fixing things makes a larger mess than we could ever imagine. Does she know detail for detail how an abortion works? This is such a haunting thing.
This is so sad, look at it like your friend already has a child thats here on earth & she's decided the child has become too much of a hassle so she's going to end his/his life so she can have a good education, more money or whatever u imagine. It's very selfish & I'm sure u wouldn't help her in ending that childs life would u? Of course not so really think this out & maybe u can shed some light in on her. It's so sad here I am counting down the days of my babys arrival & moms r out there counting there babys death day down!!! Hope she changes her mind & keeps her precious baby. She'll find a better reason for living, it won't ruin her life by becoming a mom.
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93654_tn?1247502934
What you have to understand is that this is a patient to patient forum. Although some of us have worked in the counseling field, we are only here to offer our persoanl opinions. What happens then is you get many opinions based on everyone's beliefs and experiences.

The best advice I can offer you is think about who supported you during your m/c. Think about what they did or said that was helpful, and then do the same for your friend.
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't post on here very often, but always get a little agravated when I read about people trying to push their beliefs on others.  Although, there are many women on here TTC, this is NOT the TTC forum.  It's is a women's forum for all women's issues.  I can sympathasize with this young women as I am a college student myself.  I agree with the original poster that it would ruin her life.  Right now the most important thing for her to do is get her education.  If I found myself in the same situation, I know I would make the same choice.  Not because I am selfish and only care about myself, but because I know I wouldn't be able to provide for my child.

Soror: I have not been through an abortion myself but I have known people who have.  When she comes home she will probably just sleep for the rest of the day.  I would ask the clinic if there is anything she can take for pain afterwards.  I would assume ibuprofen.  I had the Mirena IUD for about 3 months, when last week my body decided to reject it.  It was the most painful experience of my life.  I went to the doctor immediately to get it removed and was sore for several days afterwards.  Could not lift anything, sit up for long periods of time and it even hurt to go to the bathroom.  Let her know that if she gets an IUD, before she has unprotected sex with anyone to make sure they are free of STDS.  My doctor told me that if I got an STD on it, I would get so much scar tissue I would be infertile.  I commend you for taking care of her, and not being judgemental.  Good Luck!
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I had an abortion 15 years ago when I was 20.  It was the right choice for me at that time.  If I were to be in the same situation as I was then, I would do it again.  It absolutely has not destroyed my life.  I am comfortable with the choice that I made.  I have gone on to have children and am still ok with that choice.

To the original poster.  The days following the procedure were not that difficult.  I was pretty numb emotionally.  It took a week to really have the whole situation sink in.

From what I understand, the pill is more painful then actually getting the medical abortion.  It is her choice.  

I am glad that she has a friend she can go to with this.  As you can see by some of the posters, there a quite a few pro-life fanatics when it comes to this issue. What they don't realize is that their behavior is a complete and utter turn off and will not change a woman's mind.



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i am (and have been) trying VERY hard NOT to respond to your posts. each time you post to others or open one yourself, you seem to want to stir up controversy. perhaps other people have not caught on to that but i have.
from your first post about despising children to you being married to a man (but actively bisexual) and to the latest... abortion. honestly, i could give a rats ass about you not wanting children. whatever sad experiences throughout your 25 years drove you to that decision is okay by me. i have one girl and honestly, i dont *think* i want anymore. i could care less about your lifestyle and your "situation"... doesnt effect me or my family and i have gay friends..so what. its your decision with your husband and the type of marriage you want.
you have openly stated your beliefs on medhelp (which you should allow room for others to do as well) and now i cannot help but wonder if you are placing those beliefs about children upon this young friend of yours. of course someone who feels incredibly adament about NOT ever wanting children cannot help BUT to spill those beliefs over to this girl. if you were a friend you would provide her with ALL of the options, let her know exactly what her baby is like right now at 7 weeks and what the proceedure (whether clinical or medicinal) entails. shouldnt she be going to counceling for all of this information at the clinic/dr. anyway?
you often come across so abrasive, so angry? you say you are not but you also come across as one who "knows all" so why do you feel the need to ask about experiences? you seem to have all of the answers yourself and with such conviction. it's because you know you will cause contoversy. you chose a site/forum that the majority of woman are TTC and against abortion. i am not saying either way my feelings towards abortion because it doesnt matter and i know everyone's situation is different. what concerns me is your motive for being here? if you were already prepared for backlash, then why did you snap back? you knew it was coming...it was only a matter of time.
if you want to help your friend, then fill her in on ALL options and what exactly goes on. she will resent you down the road if you do not and she will feel you left her in the dark. although 6 yrs difference is not that much between you two it's not as if she is 14. she is indeed an adult who is capable of researching, asking questions all on her own. if you are SO against being a mother, then why do you feel the need to be one to her? you said that yourself.
if the end result was your friend has 100% confidently made the decision to abort the baby then what else can you do but to be there for her emotionally? be there for her if she regrets her decision (which she may express that too). dont expect her to feel the way you feel about babies/children.
the DR. will let her know what to expect physically/emotionally. they aren't just going to do the abortion and not say a word as she walks out the front door. i am sure after the proceedure there will be counseling and the dr. will send her on her way with papers on what to expect afterwards. then, your job is to be there for her emotionally either way she feels.
just know in advance you can cause an uproar about this topic as we all know from the past with others. why dont you search the archives here on MH? call a local clinic? something like that if you dont want people to talk about what abortion really is? you will get it from all angles here so you need to be open to that too. i am not sure you will find too many woman here who went through it? you will find more who WANT a baby more than their own life.
i hope your friend finds the comfort she needs.
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93654_tn?1247502934
Oh, sorry, I thought you were asking about emotional support. I've had 2 D&C's for abnormal pregnancies, and it is the same procedure as an elective abortion. I was moving around the next day and back at the gym after 3 days. Get her some aleve, a fluffy pillow, and some funny movies, and she'll be fine. They should provide her with post-op instructions that tell you what problems to look out for. And if you were wondering about emotional support, then refer back to my last answer.
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93654_tn?1247502934
Oh, your post just remembered this will be a medical abortion, and not surgical...duh! To the OP, I've had methotrexate, which caused no complications, but I'm not familiar with the pills your friend will be taking.
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Avatar_f_tn
Everyone that has posted, including the people I have disagreed with, have been very helpful.  I want to jump in and add that I appreciate the opinions I've been getting, despite some of them not being useful to this specific circumstance.  Although, I am definately realizing that as pro-choice, I am somewhat a minority here.  I'll keep that in mind if I choose to linger.
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*reminder*
No one is pushing beliefs from my end.  She asked for opinions, she got them.
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i couldnt even finish all the posts before responding. my best friend is 31. when she was in high school and 16 she got pg. her parents ordered her to have an abortion. she refused. she had the baby. everyone said it would ruin her life. well let me tell you. she finished school. with good grades. she worked part time while doing this. she then married the father. then 3 years later she had baby #2. well now she lives in a $400,000+ home. a new expedition, she is employed well and they are a happy family. they have love and they have it better than many that graduated college with some phd and then some. how do you know it will ruin her life? to me a ruined life is when you end up in prison with a life sentance. not having a baby. did you talk her into this???? now, i understand that sometimes situations are not best for having a baby and abortion may be the best. but to say it will ruin her life is not true, i think you put ideas in her head.

now! to have 3 abortions and then talk about it like you popped a damn zit is rather disgusting. i have had that pg scare in the past. i wasnt after all and who knows what i would have done. its like getting a dui. you would think after the first time you would learn. not continue to do it again when there is a simple way of NOT getting another. i guess now i will have to go back and read all that i skipped. i had to speak before this was closed. im trying to keep my emotions under control here and not fly off the handle. why does everyone have to call names? the left winged call the right this and vica versa. some say its ok to be one way and curse the others, but cant stand up to the same being done to them. its her choice and her life yes, as long as she makes the decision on her own and not influenced by someone who thinks her life is ruined or that the next abortion will be a piece of cake. sigh.
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First off,I know I said I would stay away but reading this I just can't.First let ME tell my story before saying I am 100% against abortion!!I had my son at 18 still in HIGHSCHOOL to my first love who had already graduated & was working.I NEVER thought once on abortion.I think thats selfish & cowerdley.I carried baby full term graduated high school & went to college with him right beside me.I got married & have been married for 12 yrs!My dh is making GOOD money.I choose to stay home.Had 1 more dd & am trying for 3rd.I live in a 400,000 house drive 3 cars & my ds is on the honor roll!!!SO dont come here telling ME that having a chid at an early age will keep you from having all the acomplishments in life,bc it doesn't.Everytime I look at my ds I cry bc he is the BIGGEST acomplishment, IN my life.MONEY,EDDUCATION & MEN come & go but your kids & their love is FOREVER.I'm not saying what to do or how to do it.But abortion is the selfish,easywayout & lazyest way to live life.I struggled & been threw hard times.And it is never easy.But I will never have the guilt.Or the what if's.And thats all I have to say about that....

Hey,girls.How have ya'll been?I thought the drama would come with me but I guess not.It's sooooooo Good to be back...nanis
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very contraversial topic.  Throwing this up in the air on this site is like requesting world war 3.  The origanal poster got angery.  Did she not think that there where going to be things said like that.  My Friend "J"  Is 5 weeks away from giving birth, she is 21  She partied hard.  Drank popped pills.  She was having a good old time.  She never wanted kids.  that was how she felt the fist time she moved in with me.  Then she got pregnant.  She did not want to be she just turned 21 she finnally was able to go to the bar and drink legeally...sorry spelling sucks.  up until about three weeks ago she may still do it she cried said she did not want to be a mom.  I just told her when she was six months pregnant if she changed her mind she could give the baby up.  She now has a name for her and has chosen  the god parents.  J still has a long way to go.  she lives with me again due to no where to go and a baby on the way.  she is not sure who the father is but she is going to do her best for this child.  I would never abort a baby because I did not want it.  Somebody does..........................
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Statement:  Talk about people ignoring the parts that they don't want to hear...ahh well.  After all the ranting, fussing, reported crying, whining, and accusing, after all the insults thrown this way and that, I've realized that most of the women on this forum have pretty good heads on their shoulders, and yet at the same time, there are a lot of you who are often guilty of the same things you've been accusing me of all night long.

So here's the run-down ladies.  Those of you who have been kind enough to express your experiences to me, please accept my deepest thanks.  You've given me perspective on something I approached this forum for, and watched threads for a few days in preparation for asking *just this question.*  It was information that I needed, and when combined with my own research and reading on the matter, have rounded out my understanding, which is what I wanted.

The good news for those of you who have been unable to read a complete sentence (even when written multiple times, sailors wife) or are reading far more deeply into my responses than even an issue-hungry 'cry for help' school counselor would (my christ that was funny, Oceans), is that my purpose here is served, the information I wanted is captured, and I'll be on my way.
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Avatar_n_tn
I'm sorry, I can't give you advice on how to be there for her .I know as a friend you want to help her, but maybe being there isn't the best way to help her. I understand everybody makes mistakes. I was 17 when i got pg.. No, I don't feel like it was a mistake, it was ment to be. I have a healthy little girl now. I look at her and think - If I would of listened to my "friends" she wouldn't be here. God gave me this baby for a reason. She didn't ruin my life at all. I look at it as it was ment to be that I had mine so young. I am 28 now and am not able to have anymore children. maybe that's why I received such a gift from God at 17. There is a reason for everything.At the time we don't know what it is, but after a while we figure it out.
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y is it that u guys always thing someone is here to stir up trouble??????..............that  is so stupid to think of..........i don t agree with the orginial poster about abortion i hate that idea (that is my opinion)....... but damn u guys really don't read properly u just read what u want & accuse u guys said alot of harsh things to that chick & i love how she dealt with it.............damn it's annoying how u guys claim to be understanding, but still don't care..........:(
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93654_tn?1247502934
It's reading between the lines. Sometimes, people try to stir sh*t up, and disguise it as a question when they are perfectly capable of figuring out the answer themselves.
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i hear u mslkpage.....& i read what her last post was check it

So I'm 25 and childless...and have no desire for children whatsoever. It is not the sophomorish cry of 'NO BABIES OMFG', this is the decade-long choice not to bear children. I'm looking at my options.

1.) Birth control for life - I'm not into the entire, inflated-breasts/erratic-moods insanity associated with them, and having taken them on and off for several years I'm not keen on going back.
2.) Husband gets a vasectomy - The idea of my husband getting his bits snipped or sharp objects going even remotely close to his junk makes me fear for his manhood.
3.) Implatation method (long-term birth control) - I'm concerned that something will go wrong and I'll end up menstruating 24/7 like a friend of mine did on Depo.
4.) Barrier methods forever - It's true what they say, condoms don't feel the same, they really, really don't.
5.) Tubal ligation - By far the best choice in my eyes, but I hear lots of horror stories about hormone levels changing and early menopause and ovarian damage and estrogen levels going all wonky and ugh.

SO...in my place, what would YOU do? I'm interested in any and all relevant feedback, but please, as much as I love you, spare me the entire 'Why dont u want chirren' bit? I've been over it and over it.

she's not stirring trouble...........SHE IS TROUBLE.....................I JUST REALIZE THAT...CR*P
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Avatar_n_tn
First of all I like Oceans TRIED to hold my tongue, and secondly I am NOT ANTI-choice. I'm all for choice but totally believe the time for choice takes place BEFORE pregnancy.


Contrary to popular belief, nineteen does not equal stupid...the decision was NOT difficult, though she is worried about the proceedure itself.

How on earth can the decision to end a pregnancy, no matter how the pregnancy came about be "NOT difficult"??

As for her worry about the procedure itself... The "procedure" is no picnic for the unborn child either and I quite frankly am glad that it won't be a walk in the park. It SHOULD be difficult and memorable. Maybe this will prevent her from doing this again.

And a final note.. You claim to be her friend. Have you told her what these women have said. That the medicinal abortion is a lot more painful and difficult than the cinical abortion? Have you given her the information you have obtained from these knowledgeable women? This information might educate her and that's what friends do on top of simply holding someone's hand. If you haven't shared this thread with her, then you are NOT the friend you claim to be.
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i do have a small apology to make and that is my long post above appeared AFTER yours from last night. you had already addressed some issues that i "presented" to you but other than that, i still feel strongly about what i wrote. i do feel that i (and others)interpret you quite well but you are just so strong willed you don't like to hear what others have to say. you are the one who put your life out here. if you don't want comments made then hit the "delete" key before you hit the "send post" key.
the more you write, the more we can "read" you. you sound very intelligent and articulate but your age (still young compared to most of us)peeks through your writing. so much of what you write explains the reason for your initial post of "snip or not to snip". i do wish to clarify that the fact you do not want children does not bother me in the least. i decided that in my late 20's early 30's that may be the way i want to go. however, someone else decided for me that's not the way to go and i found out i was pregnant. like i said, i am not sure i want anymore? i dont know. i respect people who know what they want. they just need to be willing to look inside themselves. there is a reason WHY you hate children. just know what that reason is.  
you cannot post here and just ask to have your question addressed and expect others not to digress or open their own lives and hearts. it just isn't realistic. besides, in your title you write "open" which means to us "open forum" so that is an invitation to say what we want to say. whether or not we adhere to the topic at hand which is how can you help your friend during this painful process?
my question to you is this. let's say you are like most woman here on MH TTC for years and anti-abortion. let's say your heart aches to carry a baby in your belly and hold that baby in your arms never letting it go. let's say you walk down the street seeing moms and dads pushing strollers wishing it was you. now, your 19 year old friend comes to you that she is pregnant and contimplating abortion. tell me your instincts would be the SAME as they are now with you....that you are remaining neutral about it? are you telling me that those "anti-abortion" (for arguments sake) beliefs wouldn't "leak" through your discussions with your friend? it's only natural.
i guess my long winded point is present her/educate her about ALL OF HER POSSIBLE OPTIONS. have you done that??? does she know what her baby is like at 7 weeks? does she know about each proceedure inside and out? does she know about adoption and what that entails? have you presented scenarios about what her life could be like if she keeps her baby? not every life is destroyed with a baby. fill her in. i feel everyones situation is different. the very least she should be educated about all options in the end so she can confidently say, i made the right decision with the information i had. no regrets whatsoever. isn't her procedure scheduled for tomorrow?
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soror you need to read again what you have said in all your threads on here. you say one thing then say another. you said YOU have untill thursday to decide. what to decide? you have tried so hard to sound so educated that you have also ran around with your sentances. i laughed at your previous post when you referred to children as mutant antichrist. im thinking you have some serious issues. you want to "save" this girl but you need some help yourself. live your life how you want. go to gay bars, have your fun, but when you say you had a "stint" in college and ended up pg 3 times and all mc and you are thankful for that , well how intelligent is that? you are so against babies , and so educated, but after the first time you couldnt remember to use bc in some way? you were givin the exact info you wanted by glad, and you turned it down. your tone in your writing is on the hateful side and you seem to need to really tell yourself how much you despise children. good. you dont deserve to ever be a mother.

island you are more than i can handle. it was nice when you disappeared. you are beyond help. maybe YOU never reproduce as well. being a mother is something that is special and you my dear will just mess it up. give it a break, enjoy your so called sex addicted boyfriend (that is all he will ever be) and move on to a site the specializes in "island love" .
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I don't believe you came her to find out how you can SUPPORT your friend during her abortion.  You would do the same thing you do everyday.  Be there for her. If she wants to talk be there to listen.   You said you waited for a few days to bring this up - this indicates you knew it would stir things up.   When my friend had her 2nd mc in 5 months I asked the girls if I should bring it up to her or not say anything (I have never had a mc) and didn't know which would be more upsetting but never once did I wonder how I could support her - I knew by being there for her and doing our daily routine of talking would help her.   I hope you figure out reliable bc soon because the thought of you having children or doing foster care makes me feel sick.   I'm for everyone making there own decisions, but as a true friend I hope you helped her to realize all her options besides abortion.  The way you worded her situation makes me wonder if she was raped.  I hope not because that along with pregnancy would be overwhelming for anyone. I don't see how a decision to abort would not be difficult.
Island: You annoy me!  Make up your mind and stick to it.  You are always doing a 180 and never stand up for what you believe.
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okay seriously I don't agree with abortion, I too have had one about 12 years ago and never have forgotten it and here I am 3 kids later... BUT, we don't know the circumstaces behind her decision! I DO think that her decision should have taken longer than it did UNLESS she was raped! The sad thing is the girl who has had 3 abortions like it is a form of birth control! Thats crazy! The thing is there are a lot of women who have had an abortion for one reason or another but to keep doing it over and over like it is nothing is really bothersome to me! I learned my leason the first time and will NEVER have another one. I was 16 at the time and did feel pressured into it! Whould I do it again? Well if I had to do it again I would have protected my self so I wouldn't have to do it again. I feel for the ladies that are TTC and my heart goes out to them! I think they are very strong women to be going through what they are! My hats off to them. It is a very touchy situation but what we have to understand that there is a difference of opinions and beliefs that many people don't agree with! That is life! I have some friends that have had abortions and I totally understand why and I have some that I look at with disgust! I do applaude the girl for going to get a form of birth control after the procedure, atleast she is going to do that and not be like the other girl that uses abortion as a form of birth control! I love this site and really value you ladies opinons on here! You are all great! But everyone is different!
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may be i should try to get a voodoo doll for u then........lol... u are the only person on this site who keeps getting at me & keep beleiveing i'm a fake thread.....i always have to laugh at your drunk comments....i know for a fact my fiance would be more than u would ever imagine just b/cuz YOU ARE VERY HATEFUL TOWARDS ME.........i think i remebered i had a posted and aplogized to YOU yes you mrs saliorswife, as well as all the  others i had problems with.....if u don't want to accept it just leave me be that's ok...... you read what u want & just judge i came back & realized what kinda person sorcor was..........but i also realized the kind of person u are also....you poor soul....so i would laugh at everything u say from now on to me..........ONE BIG HARTHY LAUGH
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I usually try not to say anything just read when things get heated up like this, but today, I just can't.  I personally don't believe in abortion.  For myself.  But, this is a free country.  My brother-in-law just came home from a year in Iraq fighting for that very freedom.  I have never been in a situation where I had to make the choice.  My husband & I were already engaged when I got pregnant with my first & married for 2 years when the 2nd came.  I like to believe that if I were in this position, I would keep the baby and raise and love it.  Or at least have it and put it up for adoption.  There are so many people out there who are dying inside because they can't have children.  But, I can't know for sure, because I haven't been in her place.  I do commend you for trying to be there for your friend.  I just think it was incredibly inconciderate and cruel to come to a site where so many women come for support when ttc to discuss this.  I imagine they felt like they had been kicked in the stomach when they read it.  And for the girl who has had 3 abortions, honey, your local health department will GIVE you a whole bag of condoms if you go ask for them, at no charge.  Once is a mistake.  Three times is stupidity.  Sorry in advance if I offended anybody, but I tend to call them like I see them to.
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i never said you were fake, silly maybe but i never said fake. laugh away, i dont even know what you are talking about! and as for your bf who would want him???? my HUSBAND is perfect for me thank you. good day.
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Avatar_n_tn
This is a rebuttal to the harsh comments you made about my past.  For your information, you do not know me, or the circumstances that brought me to have those abortions, so who are you to judge me.  I'm sorry but if you had one yourself you have no right to judge me period.  And to tell me to use a condom.  I was on the BCP since I was 14( had ovarian cysts doc said it would help), so there's protection layer #1, and I always use condoms, as we know no method is perfect, so there's protection layer #2, and even with a condom I have a 'no cumming inside' rule, layer #3,  Seems like I am ultimately protected right?!  My first abortion was at 18, I was raped by my step-father (please no sympathy or comments).  He just got out of jail and will be on probation for the next 5 years.  I had an abortion at 16 weeks because there were birth defects that were life threatening to me and the baby, at 23.  And my last abortion was one of personal choice, I was leaving my abusive husband and having experienced his disinterest and lack of responsibilty towards our 1 year old daughter, I couldn't see allowing another child to have to go through that, plus there was no way I could have afforded being a single mother with two kids, and before you ask, No I don't have any support, systems, no family nothing, I would be doing it by myself.  I wasn't allowed to have friends or socialize because my husband was like many typical arabic men, possessive and controlling.  I am now married once again, and my daughter is being loved very well by her stepdad and I am 13 weeks pregnant.  I would like to know how you would have handled these situations if they had been on your plate and not mine.  I was only giving the poster some background info with some experience to give her more information.  Real actual experienced information, so she could make a well-informed decision.  I see now that my mistake was deciding to whole-hearted want to help someone.  You can't judge people for what they chose to do in their life, especially when you yourself are guilty of the same 'crime'.  How dare you.
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wow - I try really hard to avoid these kinds of threads but this one just really got to me. Abortion shouldn't be a difficult decision - it should be this easy: she did the deed, she knew the risks, now she needs to deal with the consequences. Once you get pg, it IS NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. It is about your unborn child - that yes, is a human being with a heartbeat. If you don't want to have to deal with a pregnancy, than don't risk getting pg! I really wonder about the father in all this - does he know he has an unborn child?? Does he know that she is planning to end it's life? What a sad world we live in...

I have had two m/c - if she doesn't want this baby, I would happily adopt it. So give up 9 months of your life to give this baby a chance at life - adoption is a much better way to go.
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107860_tn?1302930340
19 years old and pregnant! so what! I think she's gonna get the abortion because she's scared, and doesnt want to tell her parents!
What happends if she goes home, and is put on bedrest, what happens next?
THe parents are gonna ask alot of questions, if she tells her parents, most likely they'll help her.
I think she needs to grow up.. sorry!
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Avatar_f_tn
If you reread your comments above, it really does sound like you were pretty nonchalant about having three abortions.  I've read many of Glad's comments on MH, and she does seem to be a genuine soul.  It sounds like you have had some unfortunate circumstances in your life.  Maybe if you would have posted differently, you would have received a different reaction.  Please look over the threads before you respond, and think about what I am saying.
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