I don't want my baby

I am 23, almost 3 months pregnant and I don't want this baby. This was completely unplanned.. I found out almost 2 months ago and I keep hoping something will change, that some part of me will want this baby, but it's not. I spend most of my day trying not to think about it but when I do finally let myself sit and think I cry for hours because I just want it to go away.

I took 7 at-home pregnancy tests and then got it confirmed by a doctor because I just didn't want to believe it. My boyfriend and I sat and cried and talked about it and he said that no matter what I chose he would support me. After crying and thinking about it constantly for 2 weeks I decided I wanted an abortion. I had been against abortion my entire life until this happened to me and if anyone is going to comment on here and say what a terrible person I am for considering it you can save your time, I know your position and at this point I don't care. My boyfriend went back on it and said he would not support me having an abortion, he cried and cried and I couldn't stand hearing him like that. He said if it came to it he would rather me carry the baby and he would take it and raise it. He told his entire family and all our friends that I was pregnant, when I had told him not to yet because I wasn't sure what I was doing with it and I didn't want anyone else judging us for our decision, which is why I'm pretty sure he told them. So I felt I had no choice and would just carry this baby and hopefully grow to want and love it.

Everyone says you'll love your baby when it comes out and it will be the best thing that happens to you. Everyone seems to be excited about this, except me. I haven't told my family or my job, I've only told 3 friends so far. I just want this to go away. I don't care about this baby inside me, I keep thinking maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and want it. I thought when I had my first ultrasound something would click when I saw my baby, but nothing. I just thought "what have I done?" and wanted to cry the whole session. My boyfriend was so excited and sent the pictures to everyone..I can't fake being happy about it, just faked that I didn't want to cry and that was enough for him. But I have no maternal instinct towards this baby, I don't know when that's supposed to kick in but I am nowhere near it. The things that go through my head are terrible and I feel guilty for thinking them...I don't always intentionally think of them but when I see steps I wish I would fall, when I got into a car accident the other day my first thought was that I hope I had miscarried..things like that. It's just not normal and I don't know what to do who to talk to.

My boyfriend is just so excited about this baby, if I mention anything about not wanting this baby and just giving it to him to raise he flips out, again going back on saying whatever I decide to do he'll support it. I should have just had the abortion because if I give it to him to raise I am clearly losing him anyway. He's not very upset about losing me..he says he will deal with it but he doesn't want the baby to have to go through that. I think it would be better that it be raised by him alone or with another girlfriend or whatever, people who will love him, than for me to raise it and it always look to me for love and attention that I really don't think I can give it. I am not a party goer or clubber, I am not afraid it will take away my social life or anything like that. I know pretty much everyone feels they're 'not ready' to have a baby but I honestly feel like I would be a terrible mother and I think that is a big difference from just not being ready.

I know I am lucky that I am able to have a child and that my boyfriend actually wants it...I did want children eventually, or so I thought, until I got pregnant and now..I just can't see myself being a good mother, ever. But if I could be, it wouldn't be now. I am 23, haven't finished college, working for $11 as a receptionist, unwed (although my boyfriend keeps saying he wants to marry me, he's never proposed)...I can't even take care of myself and now I have to take care of a child? YES I know it is MY mistake and not the child's but knowing and accepting that still doesn't make me want to be a mother. I know that sounds selfish but if I don't want to be a mother how can I be a good one?! I don't understand what I'm supposed to do!!! How do I make myself love and want this child?

My boyfriend makes good money and I know he can support the baby with or without me. I guess what I'm asking is when am I going to start loving this..thing growing inside me?? When do I know enough is enough and I am just not cut out to be a mother, and know its not just hormonal issues like everyone says this is? I think about waiting to see how I feel when I first see it but I think ahead and I just want to scream and cry WHAT HAVE I DONE??? Nothing about raising a child makes me happy...not even the happy moments like I should be thinking about..nothing makes me excited or want this at all, I just want to cry. When I try to make myself get into it by reading baby things or looking at baby clothes I burst into tears and think how I want this to go away so badly. I know this is not normal!! I feel guilty about it but I just don't know how to make myself love and want something that I don't. If I could I would but at this point I resent it for making me fat and sick and tired, all for a result that I don't want in the slightest and I think I sound so selfish and looney but I just had to get this out somewhere.Please understand I know I am too far along for an abortion and I am not considering it anymore...my options here are to keep this baby or just give it to its father once its born... If you are going to say awful things about this please don't but if you have any advice on what to do about this please help me!

[CrazyLadyNeedsHelp]

I am concerned by your boyfriend's wishy-washy nature - first he says he'll support whatever you decide.  Then you decide on abortion and he says he wants the baby with or with out you.  Then he goes back to the 'whatever you decide' stance?  I think you might want to take his vote out of the equation - he seems confused.

I don't know when, if ever, you may feel the pull of maternity.  I do know, however, that some women never feel it.  I know one in particular, who had a baby because she enjoyed the attention, and now that the baby is 2, the 'newness' has worn off, and the baby is the one who suffers.  If you feel you won't be able to emotionally connect with your baby, that you will regret having it, then you should probably consider abortion - it's not fair to the child.  There are thousands of kids in foster care because their parents couldn't care for them, or decided they didn't want to.  Please, if you have doubts now - consider this:  its not just a 'baby'.  It WILL be a person, just like you.  Would YOU want YOU as a mother?

I am not trying to be mean - just giving a perspective.  If you change your  mind - see an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, feel a kick, that changes your attitude and you feel that 'instant love' you read about in preggo magazines, then i saw, AWESOME. Otherwise... you may still want to consider abortion (if its not too late... I think it depends on your state).

[AnnieBrooke]

People will come on and suggest adoption, also.  If your boyfriend is being changeable, you being ready to put up the child for adoption will cause him to clarify his thinking about the baby fast, he will either put up or shut up, so to speak.  

[skheavner]

I am so sorry that you feel this way.  I cried when I read your post.  I don't want to tell you anything you have heard, but I will give you the best advice I can.  It's your body and you can do what you want - I know that seems impossible because of feelings of disappointment from your boyfriend and family but a child is the rest of your life - always remember that!  It is true, that once you meet your child you will never have felt so much love for something, but pregnancy is a long hard road.  Even for me, I wanted my child and at times I just wanted to not be pregnant anymore.  I wouldn't stress out about supporting the child as you can defiantly make it work, babies only need love, you can re-use diapers and breastfeed.  I have a 2-month old and she really doesn't cost money.  There are also a  lot of community programs and thrift shops which make babies much more affordable.  You have made the commitment now, as you say it is too lat for an abortion and nothing can really change your situation.  So try to make the best of it, see a therapist and an obstetrician and tell them how you feel they can give you techniques to relieve the stress.  Don't worry about 6 months from now, see how you feel and what you think after the birth, don't make a decision now.  You will be okay, you will get through this.  Talk with someone who wont judge you try to enjoy milestones like the baby kicking and moving in you.  And don't stress about what you are going to do when the baby arrives, it will tear you apart.  Good Luck and I really hope you feel better!  

[pumpkin18]

This is heartbreaking to hear.  You said that you hadn't finished college, so I would see if your school offers counselling as many schools do.  They will be able to help you through these emotions - you aren't the first woman to have these feelings and you won't be the last.  Finding someone who can help you understand and process them while helping you through your decision making process will take a huge burden off of you.  Also, have you discussed these feelings with your doctor?  If they are as a result of hormones, your doctor may be able to help.

Secondly, I would suggest researching your options for adoption.  There are lots of families out there looking for newborns, but it will be harder to turn to that option as the child gets older.  Have a very serious discussion with your boyfriend about this.  Tell him what you are feeling.  It does not sound like you two have a connection that will be able to survive the stress of having a child and the emotions that will result in it on your part, so ask him if he is serious about raising the child by himself.  If so, I would get that agreement in writing (this may involve finding a lawyer so he doesn't come looking for child support).  If that step freaks him out, he probably isn't serious and you should start looking for the best option for your child which may be another family who wants a child and is ready to love him/her.

Good luck with this.  I'm sure you will do what is best for you and your child :)

[Jaybay]

I'm so glad to hear you changed your mind about terminating your pregnancy.  I don't say that from any kind of moral judgment standpoint either.  I was little younger than you when I found myself in the same position.  I couldn't take birth control and thought I was being careful by using the Today sponge.  Don't think it's even on the market any more since they stopped making it after reports of so many failures.  I was one of them.

I didn't give myself any time at all to make a rational decision.  I had no family support and certainly none from the father.  Like you, it wasn't a lifestyle issue.  I was working full time at an entry-level job and could hardly support myself much less a baby.  Also like you, I was in a state of panic and just wanted to make it all go away.  I felt completely boxed into a corner where abortion was the only answer.  So I did it only 4 days after confirmation.  I was awake and sobbing the entire time.  Had I waited even another week I probably would have decided the other way.

There is no forgiveness for what I did.  At least, I can't forgive myself.  That abortion has haunted me for well over 20 years and probably will until the day I die.  The final irony is that with the exception of one early miscarriage, I never conceived again even with medical assistance.

It breaks my heart to think of all the young women out in the world who may have to live with the same pain that I have.  I will never say a woman made the wrong decision one way or the other, but knowing what it did to me leaves me biased toward life.

You have time.  You have time for counseling, for talking with your family and boyfriend and to make some plans.  No decisions about adoption need to be made immediately.  Use this time wisely.  If you want your boyfriend to marry you, then TELL HIM.  If you expect a certain amount of financial support should you keep your baby, then spell it out for him.  I sense a big lack of communication between you two.  Opening up with honesty can only make things better.  At least you'll both know where the other stands.  It was a hard thing for me to learn that men really don't understand intuitively why we women are upset.  You have to be brutally pragmatic and spell it all out like you would to a two-year-old child.

Please tell your doctor how you're feeling.  I really do think hormones have a lot to do with what's going through your mind, along with the incredible stress of an unexpected pregnancy.  Your life has been turned upside down, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing.  You may yet find that you'll be an awesome mom.  You may not.  Adoption is always a choice if you still feel the same way after the birth, but something tells me the reality will be different from what you envision now.  :-)

[sarah7351]

When I read your post, I wanted to cry.  My situation is VERY similar to yours...My husband wants the baby....I have no feelings for it at all...Only dread. Despair. and Anxiety.

I am hoping to see if everyone is right...and that I'll change my mind when I have her, see her, touch her for the first time.  I also found out that a big part of my disdain for motherhood comes from a mental condition called TOKOPHOBIA.  Look it up!!!! Google it!!!!  When I found out about this, it gave me the strength to at least make it through this pregnancy.  Mine is going to be born (elective c section) on July 1st.  

I hope you write and tell us how you feel after the baby is born.  I am very interested in your situation and wish you all the best.

[adonna2000]

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Try reading up on oxytocin and natural birth. No, I'm not crazy hear me out. Pitocin is a liquid medication that is a synthetic form of the naturally occurring hormone, oxytocin. Both  induce labor.
This is a small bit from
http://pregnancy.about.com/od/induction/a/pitocindiffers.htm

Pitocin can interfere with bonding. When the body releases oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, it promotes bonding with the baby after birth. Pitocin interferes with the internal release of oxytocin, which can disturb the bonding process.

Your body's own natural oxytocin is superior in many ways to Pitocin. There are also ways to increase the release of this natural oxytocin including skin-to-skin contact, lovemaking, breastfeeding, and others.

So it is very possible to suddenly want your baby as a result of your hormones when you give birth.  
If you still feel the way you do there are many families that will love your baby like you wish you did. Good luck and God bless you three.  

[MOMWANTING]

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[Ledec]

I felt exactly the same as you do now and ended up getting an abortion, it was by far the worst mistake ive made and i regret it every single day of my life, if u havnt done it by now then ur obviously not sure, be sure that abortion is what you really want