My wife has no sexual desire. She is always willing to let me have her but I feel it like taking out the garbage just a chore duty. It is hard to make love to her it is just one sided. She said it just her not me. I try dating her almost every day. I tell her how nice she smells, feels, looks and that I love her touch and the list goes on. I am not buff never have been but nor am I too over weight. you can see my abs but not like they are rock hard but defined. When we have sex or I should say I have sex she does ejaculte on me. It just a physical response she just not in to me at all. That said there is little to no reciprication on touch or forplay from her. I question me why cant my wife want me like I do her, whats wrong with me , I am I just loosy in bed and not performing like a man should. I feel like **** when I use her body because I know she not interested in me that way. Will it soon be over because she going to get tired of me using her body because she does not want to. Will it end our 17 years together? I do feel bad and think I should seek some one else for sex only who wants to. Yes I am hurt. Whats wrong with me?
Has she had a check-up for hormone levels, thyroid, anemia or even a touch of depression? I went through something similar with my husband but it was during the turbulent child rearing years. Having 3 pre-schoolers hanging on me all day didn't put me in the mood for hubby to hang on me, if you know what I mean. We got through it. I made great efforts to assure my husband that I loved him but I was just too wiped out from the kids to be an enthusiastic lover. It was hard on him emotionally just like you. But things did improve and we're back to being frisky again. We're coming up to our 35th anniversary. Don't give up yet.
Finding someone else to have sex with is the worst thing you could possibly do to in this situation, although I do understand that you are frustrated. If you sleep with someone else you will most likely lose your wife and your 17 year relationship forever. Your relationship should be about a lot more than sex, some people would say it isn't even necessary. Some people just don't need sex like others do, but you have to give your wife credit that she is willing to try to please you. I would think that taking your eye off sex may help your relationship and make your wife feel more comfortable. It's not good to feel pressured, that can actually make things worse. It may be more important to spend time together and wait for her to iniciate it. That way you will feel more like it is something she wants to do and she can be sure she is in the mood. Masterbation is a healthly thing men can do while they are waiting. It is common in many cultures to have periods of time when they substance from sex altogether. This makes sex something the couple looks forward to and makes it a lot more exciting for both partners, particularly as we get older and very use to eachother, it can get a big old without those breaks. It's not anything to do with how attacked she is to you, it's just about feeling like having sex. This is normal in any relationship, people need to take time to themselves and recoup, then they can bounce back with avengance. It is also important that your wife see her doctor about any concerns listed in the message posted by ireneo above. There may be something hormonal going on that needs to be adjusted, but it could also just be nature. It is very common that one partner will have a naturally stronger sex drive than the other. It's just really important to rememeber that being with someone means excepting them for who they are and finding ways to work together with the good and bad points about both of you. If you were to go out with someone else to have sex, you'd be opening youself and your wife up to a whole list of a nothing persons problems. Do you really need that, or would you rather work out this one little issue you have with your wife right now? By sleeping with you even when she's not in the mood, she is saying she is will to work on this, inorder to do that, you're going to have to meet her halfway..
Also. when you are with you wife, take your time doing things to her, don't be in a rush to get yours....and I also wanted to say that it is great that you are still interested in your wife. After 17 years most people are getting sick of sex, no matter who it's with, even if you were hercules. Try different things...but first find out what different things your wife would be interested in doing, don't come up with anything on your own. I'm sure your wife can think of something she likes. If she's never talked about it before, she may be too shy to tell you. Maybe work on making her feel as comfortable as possible about telling you what excites her, and then you can take it from there. Possibly a fantasy you can play out or maybe try using a vibrator to stimulate her, that might make things more exciting. They also have come out with lubercants that do different things that may be fun to try.
I have no idea if this is how your wife feels...I'm just throwing it out there...
Is it possible that your comments and attempts to date her are perceived as only a means to get her into bed? She might not be receptive to them because she thinks you're only saying it to get sex. Maybe try to say them and do nice things for her and totally forget about sex for awhile. Just lay off for a month and see what happens. Try taking her out to dinner, sending flowers to work, complimenting her etc, but then don't follow it immediately with trying to get busy. Play it cool. But obviously not cool enough to make her suddenly think you're cheating.
Oh, and that's the other thing - DON'T CHEAT! You want to put a big stop to your 17 years together, that's the way to do it.
I agree with speaking with her about getting her hormones checked. Lots of things can have an affect on sex drive.
When I say date my wife I mean date my wife. Dating is not about sex it is about creating experances and intamacy. Realy the sex is not as important as much as it is to at least be given a hug, and participating with me and our children. I feel depression is part of the problem but when she does not seem to try and particape or reciprocate in giving suport and acknowledgement. I buy her a gift just to buy her a gift no thank you nothing. Sons birthday comming up and she is making excuses not to be involved. Instead she wants me to hold it on mothers day. I would not let my children go to a birthday party on mothers day I want it to be a family day. But no it has to be on mothersday. We are both 50 and I think menopause is part of the problem. This has been going on now for a year. I asked her when was the last time you sugested something we can do as a family. It had been more then a year. She has particapted 4 times since dec january only after I had words with her.
I give and offer her masages buy candles, flowers, give her salt scubs followed by a aromic masage. These are not followed by a request for sex but on the contray I turned her down because I thought she might think thats why i did it which was not. It was to make her feel good it was about her not me.
Being told that she does not find me desirable or interested in me is a killer. I was concerned about how maybe just maybe I could try and make myself more appealling. I work out every day 1 1/2 hours in the morn and some times again in the evening when I she goes to bed and wants to be left alone.
We go sometimes 3 to 4 weeks with no interaction not even a hud or kiss from her.Not an I love ya just oneway me to her.
Sorry this was to be about her not me I have mixed my feelings in here.
Thanks for the words I just feel pushed out abandoned and question whats wrong with me she no longer interested. I have always tried to make love making special and turn things around buy toys, oils,share with her why she is so sexy. To be honest she is over eight by 40 to 50 and makes no effort to change it but thats fine with me. I do encourage walks,and exercise just to help her health, complains she cold, sorry let you go
The disinterest in the entire family is what really grabbed my attention. I definitely think depression should be explored with a doctor. There are things to help people in these situations, along with possibly counseling to help her deal with issues and depression.
Good luck to you!! You sound like a very nice man who loves his wife very very much.
I think it may be time to change directions....I would want to make sure you know what your wife is doing with her days, that would help determine if this is related to depression or hormones or not. The distance from the family stands out to me also. It could be that you may have spoiled your wife and she no longer sees what a good thing she has, reverse psychology may be what is required to turn it around. You may need to get tough and independant. It may be that showing her that everyone is fine without her, might be the thing that makes her realize what her "job" at home is really worth. It can get pretty dark for woman when they start to feel invisible, lost in the family routine. In reality there is nothing more important we can do with our lives, but sometimes we need to be reminded.
In our family I do not work my wife does. My income alone is 4 x what she makes each month. I was self employed until I had two heart attacks and my back gave out. I took precautions when I was well and insured my income. I do laundry most of it , cook, shop,. I may not keep the house 100 how she might want it but its not like you can not see the counter. I take kids to school kinda a mister mom but I can never be as good as mom as she could be I know this.
I do what I can and then some BUT there are days I can not lift my self out of a chair and had to sleep in it over nite. In the past 9 months on the floor. Sorry off topic. Myabe she does not like the fact I make so much more then her while I stay at home.?
I did do what I call a mirror image for about 1 month.
If she gave a hug I gave a hug, She cooked I cooked, she made a nice comment wait that did not happen but i did a couple not many just could not just stop being me. She said I was cold and she was not happy with the way I had been. I then told her what I had been doing and stated that what she seemed to experance is what I have been as I tried to give her a miror image. She did not like it but no change.
All of the money you both make goes basically in the same pot, right? It may be that she is just coming home exhausted and in a bad mood because of her job. It sounds like you two have a good routine going on. It's also good to have it go both ways sometimes, you cook for her, then maybe she has a night where she cooks for you. I seriously wish I could get my husband to cook, but that is not a good idea, as he has never been willing to learn how. It is frustrating because I'd really like him to be able to make me something. When I say reverse pyschology that is much different than giving a mirror image. Giving a mirror image is obvious first of all, it is also done with spite, which is never good. I just mean to become more independant. To take on your responsibilities and not worry if she is there to help or not. Just be confident that you have everything covered. I know this sounds exhausting, and it is, so don't take on all of of her responsiblities, but don't avoid those things with anger, just with a matter a fact adittude that you know what you have to do, and your list is full. Make sure your list is always full so there is never any wiggle room. You need to truely be prepared inside of yourself, that you could do it by yourself if you needed to. You obviously have health problems, so you do need help, you can't do all the house work and taking care of the kids on your own. That is the hardest job in the world, it is never ending work. There is always dishes, laundry, groceries, and kids needing to be picked up. She must learn to appericiate what she has and all you do, unfortunately, this can be one of the hardest lessons a person to learn. It may be that she is used to being taken care of rather than taking care of other people. It would require her acceptance of her life as it is in order to move forward if that is the case. She would need to learn to enjoy taking care of others more than taking care of herself. People often find themselves so caught up in what they thought should have been, that they have no idea that what is right in front of them is even better than anything they could have imagined for themselves. She may have had other ideas of how her life should have turned out. Maybe she hoped she wouldn't have to work this long, maybe she hoped you would not have had a heart attack. I don't know, but she must learn to except all these things and realize that time is only growing shorter. She needs to understand how fragile life is, people forget this until life throws it back up in our faces. It is always a painful reminder, but necessary to understand our purpose as parents and as families. There is no greater thing a person can do than build a catherdial. They may never get credit for it in there life times, but parents are leaving monuments the whole world will admire someday, all because of the work we do in silence.
This is an e-mail a friend sent to me recently that I wanted to share with you. It mayu help explain better what I was trying to say.
Invisible Mother...... .
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obvious ly not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of
hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock
to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is
the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated summa *** laude - but now
they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's
going, she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and
she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when
Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought
you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly
sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they
would never see finished.. They made great sacrifices and expected no
credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the
eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird
on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by
the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the
sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of
kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is
too small for me to notice and smile over. Yo u are building a great
cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
A t times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease
that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own
self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work
on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went
so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three
hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And
then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna
love it there.'
As mothers (and fathers), we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women...(and men.)
I am not sure if I am on the same page maybe. In our home I am the mom, I enjoy cooking and cooking with the kids is a blast.
My disability does not stop me tooo much and I have a few bad days not that many now on good pain management which works great. I dont get high but do loose my focus sometimes.
The invisable part I dont see how she can look at things that way. I will keep my mind and eyes open for it.
You mention sometimes it takes an event to open are eyes I have had a few not just the heart attacks but others. The link address below leads you to my story under construction. The pics in it are my family. As you probably learned by now my writting is not the best so if u want take a vist and meet us. See I am off topic again this is from my meds sorry better then pain believe me. I dont know what else to say I will digest all info and revaluate things. Right now all are nesled in bed and feeling mellow because I had two people who listened thanks to both. feel free to contact me icheck for messages regulaly. Take a vist it might give you a gigle.
Yes, your marriage should be about more than sex. Because likely that is going to go away as soon as your wife has gotten from you what she wants. After that, you're baggage. Read "The Female Brain" by psychiatrist Dr. Luanne Brizendine. It may make you cry, but at least you'll have some idea of what is happening (even though you will never really understand a female) and what's in your future.
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