Petrified of sex

[pqrst]

I am 21 years old and am still a virgin. I have been dating this guy for about a year and we're both crazy about each other. I did the stupidest thing about 2 years ago and told all my friends that i wasn't a virgin. There is no way i can tell any of them especially my boyfriend that I'm not. I know that guys usually cannot tell if a girl is a virgin or not.

Anyhow, my problem is that i am petrified of sex. I'm so scared it will hurt. I have never used tampons and havn't been fingered. Any action in that area so far has been focused on the clit and not the vaginal opening at all. I really want to do this. He is being so sweet about everything and giving me my space and is not pressuring me but this is just right, i think he might even be the one.

People say to be relaxed and use lube and it wont hurt, but that does not really calm me.

What do i do?

[monkeyflower]

I think some women tend to have a image of their genitals as fragile and delicate, easily damaged or broken. Yet our vaginas are unbelievably tough, hardy little organs--we can give birth to a whole entire BABY through them. Plus, there's this outdated, sexist myth of excruciating first intercourse--you know, sweet, innocent women suffering through this bloody, painful experience for their man, lol. And since we associate blood with pain/problems/injury, it sounds pretty scary. But it's nothing of the kind. Most women's hymens are long worn away by the first time they have sex, and most people don't experience much, if any, pain at all (I had NO pain whatsoever), and most by far have no bleeding at all.

I think you need to start by getting in touch with your own body. Sometime when you know you'll have plenty of time to yourself, sit down with a mirror and really look at your vulva. Touch yourself. Explore your labia, and yes, insert a finger or two into your vagina. It may help you to remember that your vagina is INCREDIBLY elastic and you're not going to hurt yourself. I'd also suggest doing your kegels--contracting and relaxing your pc muscles, to help tone your pelvic floor and to get yourself in touch with your genitals.

And definitely do some sex-positive reading: Becoming Orgasmic, by Julia Heiman; For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach; and Sex for One, and Orgasms for Two, both by Betty Dodson, the godmother of masturbation. Oh, and The Clitoral Truth, by Rebecca Chalker, for some good info on basic anatomy :-)

Finally, if you find that you can't do this, if touching yourself makes you too uncomfortable (or especially if the idea of touching yourself makes you too uncomfortable), I would urge you to seek sex therapy--and soon, before this feeling really becomes entrenched. And if you find that you *can't* insert a finger, you might look up vaginismus. That's an involuntary physical response to anxiety that makes penetration uncomfortable or even impossible.

I wish you all the best in your explorations :-)

[lovethebops]

She is right, good advice. I will tell you that I was 18 when i lost my virginity..I thought it would be bloody and painful, but actually, we used some lube and it didn't really hurt. I did not bleed at all. i was a little sore the next day, but that was it..I think it would be good though to be honest with your BF, since you believe he is the one, it shouldn't be hard to be honest with him about this..Sex is a very intimate thing, he seems sweet and he should understand if he feels the same way about you..It might explain a lot for him if he has wondered, And can explain your nerves about actual intercourse..It is nothing to be afraid of, it actually can be a lot of fun;) LOL..Good luck Sweetie!

[socgirl]

like everyone else has said...i didn't really find my first time to e painful.  Like you, I was 21 yrs. old when i lost my virginity.  Take your time...use some lube...relax...and enjoy it.  It might feel a little akward at first, but probably not painful.  And like monkeyflower said, our vagina's are full of elasticity and it will adjust in no time. Most importantly...have fun doing it!!  Good luck

[boosty]

oh, thats definately some good advice they are giving you. i also did not experience much pain. you are definately supoosed to be "in the mood" so that you are pretty lubricated and make sure to use lubrication . tell the guy that you like using lube if he asks. and as long as you are into him and you guys "fool around" a bit before actual intercourse, you should be fine. it all depends on you being extremely in the mood and comfortable. although i didnt bleed the first time, i have heard of people who have. just incase , use a dark color sheet under you guys incase you have some spotting . i am not too sure about that so ask about it. but my biggest advice is that you and your partner warm up well before actual intercourse. good luck and have fun.

[boosty]

and be safe. hahah

[vsentz]

if first time sex would be that painful....all of us rest of women would STILL be virgins........I would have thrown my first boyfriend across the room if this would have been THAT scary painful!!! .....

needless to say, I am not a virgin, (hmmm loooooong time ago....) and I love to have sexual relations with my hubby......LOVE IT!!!....so, no, don't be scared, doesn't make sense.....if sex would be painful.......NOBODY would like it, prostitutes wouldn't exist......and Pamela Anderson would be a nun......

=)

Protect yourself!!! ;)

[marra]

hi , if you feel you want him in then just go for it , i had that my first time and thats the only way to tell you are ready ! it cann be uncomfotable but once you get used to the feeling you will enjoy it and its mostly caused by anxiety of what it will feel like . relax and go with the flow !
be safe and enjoy x x