Please help....need advice

[jacksynn]

Hi Girls..
I just had it out with my sis husband.
I have never really told him what I thought of him until just now.
He treats my sis like garbage...in front of the kids too....
Ups and leaves whenever he feels like....and leaves her with 2 kids.
I feel so horribly for her....I think when she got together with him....she SETTLED...now she feels STUCK.
Married....two kids later.
They were arguing today...and he left...he said for good...
So naturally she picks up the phone to call me...balling....and he returns...and grabs the phone out of her hand and starts yelling at me...so naturally I lay into him and tell him what a loser I think he is...
He tells me hes not happy...and hasn't been for 4 years...He tells me he wants a divorce and....
I say if you weren't happy wtf did u have a child with her 10 months ago and marry her not even a year ago???
LADIES....I'm not sure what it is I can say to her that will make her....leave him.
I am so sick of biting my tongue and listening to her upset almost daily...
All of sudden he is calling her fat and lazy...and talking to her like she is garbage....
BTW...I think it could have to do with the fact that an ex gf of his just looked him up on face book.
Help....Any advice would be so helpful...
Thanx
Love Jack

[mayflowers]

Wow, this must be so frustrating for you to watch.  You can see the dysfunction right before your eyes.  What I've seen finally happen in this type of situation is that one person will eventually find someone else and that will be their excuse to get out of the relationship.  You might think that what they are doing to each other is enough, but unfortunately this situation becomes a drama for both of them and they begin to identify with the craziness, thinking "this must be love" or we have to do this for the children.  It's craziness but they truly take on the roles of abuser and victim as their identity.    I have to say that I think both people are parties to their mix up marriage.  

I know this because  I saw it with my own parents.  Their relationship was ridiculous, even as child I could see that.  It took my father finding another woman to get out and he was the bully in the marriage!!!!  How he found someone else who wanted him, I have no idea.

If there is anyway you can get your sister into therapy or contact a domestic violence group, they may be able to talk some sense into her.  Once she see that the way she is living is no way of living at all, and that she is still young and could find someone who treats her with respect and dignity, then SHE might see that reason to leave would be to have a better life.  

All you can do is lead her to the water, whether she decides to take a sip and get better, is really up to her.  I'll be praying for this situation!!!!

[mami1323]

Hi Jack,

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do in this situation.  I know it's your sister and all but she's got to make the decision to leave him on her own.  He sounds like a complete a-hole.  Your sister needs to get the strength, all you can do is be the shoulder she needs to cry on and the support system for her in whatever decision she makes.  This guy obviously isn't worth her tears but there is a chance that she is going to go back and forth with him and unless someone breaks the cycle, either her or him, it's going to keep going like that.  I just hope that he is leaving her, it may hurt her now but she will get over it with time.  It's apparent that she's not strong enough to get rid of him herself so maybe if it's his decision, she will just have to live with it.  Just keep being there for her and in time it hopefully will work itself out.  But good for you for telling him what kind of a d-ck you really think he is.

[jacksynn]

Thank you so much for the advice...
Everything seems a little better today...
Only I'm sure nothing will change...He will still continue to treat her however he wants...and when he is feeling like dumping the kids on her....daily....I'm sure he still will.
Not sure if it was just a huge fight that somehow I got in the middle of...but all I know....
Despite the way we all feel about him...we can't do anything about it...Just support her in whatever she chooses....
Only now....he really knows how I feel about him...glad that's out in the open....
I just hope she doesn't keep things to herself now...when she really needs someone...
Apparently we have to LEARN to tolerate each other....I've only ever tolerated him....now at least I don't have to pretend to like him....
Hopefully she will come to her senses sooner than later.
My parents and I had a long talk with her yesterday....wanted to make sure she doesn't feel STUCK...We let her know...no matter what...she is never as stuck as she thinks....we'll pull her out and help her through anything...If and when she decideds to leave.
Thanx again
Love Jack

[mayflowers]

That's great that you got some very important things out in the open.  It's really about all you can do in this situation.  I find bottling that stuff us just makes us feel worse. I too am becoming more open with people if they do something I don't like because they will never change if they don't know.  Plus if they don't change, they can't come back to you and say you never told them what was wrong.

And that's great that your sister now knows that she isn't stuck!!  What a wonderful, supportive family she has.  She is a lucky girl!!!!!

Good luck Jacks!!!!  All the best!

[jacksynn]

Thanx...for the kind words....
xox